Disclaimer: Twilight still isn't mine. It's a shame, really. I'd love to be rich and/or have hot vampire friends.
AN: Well look what we have here, another chapter! I'm consistently blown away by you guys, it seems the fans of Rosalie/Esme are more vocal than Alice/Bella. Thank you so so much for your input and continued reviews :) Some of you brought up some really important points that should explain themselves as the chapters unfold, so sit tight and enjoy the ride! And for those of you who were worrying, I do have a plan for Carlisle. There will be no Carlisle-bashing in this fic, though his gift might make it seem like I am at times. The wait between chapters should be much shorter now that my life is settling down, so here we go!
The way Esme's voice carried across the yard with such ferocity froze everyone. You could almost hear their eyes snapping to hers, witnessing a look that made my chest clench with both fear and want. There was something primal in her eyes that set off my instincts like a wildfire sparking in a drought. Emmett, in his shock, had dropped his hold on me and I realized that in that moment, even more than before, I had to move. I couldn't let anyone see how this side of Esme affected me. I knew, in our brief moment of eye contact, that she had seen my eyes darken. I didn't take the time to see if anyone else had noticed as I turned on my heels and ran as fast as my legs would carry me away from the house.
I blocked out the way they all called after me, cringing at the hurt I could hear in her voice. Run, I told myself. Run as fast and as far as you can. The trees molded into a blur of green and grey as I ran faster than I had ever pushed myself to go. I could hear the uproar fading fast in the distance. I tried my best not to parse out the individual voices, to leave them as a blur, but with my senses I couldn't help but hear Alice's scalding tone and Emmett's child-like protest, Edward's silence and Jasper's concern. Esme's hurt and anger cut right through the air, so clear I could almost make out her words even as the miles between us grew.
I couldn't allow myself to hope her hurt was from my departure, as much as it made my heartstrings pull. She was the matriarch of our little "family," and it was currently in an uproar. The pain and confusion of her "children," what she had just found out about my feelings, everything going on around her had to be contributing factors to what I could only imagine was an overwhelming night. But I couldn't let myself think her distress was in response my departure in particular. I'd left before; she was perfectly happy to carry on as normal and just wait for me to return.
Part of me imagined she would feel some relief from my departure. I couldn't help the self-loathing seeping into my bones. All these years of a cold, hard exterior, only to tear apart everyone she worked to protect. What sort of self-righteous person would do such a thing? That's right, I thought to myself. You would, Rosalie. Too caught up in your own head to even consider the world around you. And while I hated these thoughts, I knew they were true. The moniker of the "Ice Queen" had not been lost on me, and I recognized, perhaps even more so as I left my friends behind, that the facade I had built up for decades had indeed become a part of me.
For what seemed like hours the trees blurred by without my noticing as I trusted my senses to guide me while I focused on quelling the thoughts swarming my mind. By the time I slowed and looked around, it was apparent I was headed straight through British Columbia. I slowed my pace as the sounds of civilization lurked around the edges of my senses. Taking a brief survey of my surroundings, I found a small clearing and decided to stop.
I sat, leaning against the trunk of the fallen tree that seemed to create the clearing. Staring out into the forest, my vision burned with venom tears. The weight of the feelings I carried bore down on my chest, and I let myself feel them fully. The fissure that seemed to split into my chest forced my eyes shut once I let my guard down, the feeling so powerful that I couldn't help the pained snarl that bubbled forth from my lungs. My hands shook as I tried to put them in my pockets.
The beast reared its ugly head in the silence, filling my mind with doubts and demands. She protected you, it whispered. She stood against your husband for your freedom. You heard the pain in her voice; you saw the look in her eyes. She knows, and she belongs in your presence. Not back there alone. I ignored it. It was wrong. It didn't understand the complicated dynamics of the situation, and it certainly didn't understand that she was married. Of course she was hurt, I was her first "daughter." But I was sure that was all. The beast, of course, had other ideas. What are you doing? It asked. Run back to her. Your mate. She'll be there, waiting for you, as she always has been. Didn't you ever wonder why she'd wait?
I shook my head, unwilling to listen to the nonsensical rambling. The beast only knew two things: to mate and to kill. I wasn't foolish; I knew better than to blindly follow its attempts at reasoning. Soon, though, the words in my head were silenced by rapidly approaching footfalls.
Much too fast to be any woodland creature, I concentrated on the pattern and scented the air. They were quick, covering the ground with ease and leaping from root to root gracefully, leaving very little impact on the ground. As they grew closer, I picked out a scent of fresh mint and berries. Alice.
Both relief and a new wave of nerves filled me at the realization of my visitor. I should have known I would be followed after leaving like I did, and that only one person would dare to do so. But what had she seen? What had been said after my departure? How many of my decisions would she respect? But while these questions swam in my head, I knew that she, of all of them, would be the most understanding. She and I had formed a relationship over the years akin to what Esme and I tried to build in the beginning—she became my best friend and confidant, though I had managed to dodge her visions enough to hide how deep my feelings for Esme truly ran.
As she blurred into sight, our eyes met. I felt no hostility and saw only a cautious openness. She slowed, and I dipped my chin to indicate that she could come closer. She danced up to me with her little Alice steps and settled in the moss beside me, still looking at me calmly.
"Hey," she offered gently.
"Hi, Alice," I responded. It was quiet for a minute as she looked out into the forest.
"When you told me you were thinking of Esme a little too much, I had no idea it would come to this," she began, her voice light and in the distance like her gaze. "I understand, you know. I get that you couldn't really talk to me about it. We never had much time to speak, but from what I've seen today I think I know why you kept things quiet." I couldn't help but feel a pang of guilt at her words. I wanted to interrupt, to defend my actions like the Rosalie they knew would, but I didn't say a word. "The things that happened tonight, the things you've decided, have set things in motion that I still can't quite make sense of. There are a lot of things that could happen that worry me, but there's also a lot of good that could come from this." She paused, and the words settled in my gut like anchors. "A lot of it depends on how Esme reacts. And that's why I'm here." Alice's eyes met mine again. Before she could speak I saw her imploring look and shook my head.
"No, Alice," I interrupted quietly. "You cannot ask me to go back right now." She sighed.
"You need to, Rose. The whole way here I could see you switching back and forth in your mind. I had a hard time tracking you because of it. But you have to go back. I can see in your eyes that you don't believe it to be true, but Esme really is worried about you and wants you there with us. At home. I've seen what would happen if you packed up and left, Rose, and it's not pretty." She sighed, turning to look out into the forest again. I didn't want to believe her words were true, but I knew better than to bet against Alice. Even though she was eccentric and liked things to go 'according to plan,' she was only ever honest. Especially where one of us was concerned. She began to speak again, quieter this time. "There's a sadness inside of her, Rose. I don't know how long it's been there, but you leaving all the time has brought it to the surface. With you leaving Emmett, she's so worried for you. I know it's hard for you to be around her with how you feel, but if you want what's best for her, you'll come home."
I took a deep breath, tasting the air in my lungs. The earthy scents seemed to calm me somewhat. Of course I wanted what was best for Esme. Of course I wanted to ease her pain. But I also had to consider the cost of doing so, the toll it would take on my own emotions. If I went back, there was no way I could return to how I was before. Now that everyone knew Emmett and I weren't mates, and now that she knew how I felt about her, my facade would be seen through like glass.
The depth of my feelings for Esme was something even I wasn't fully prepared to experience, and I knew that as I came to terms with things I would be exploring and experiencing them more. Decade after decade I suppressed and denied, but my time for that was running out. The beast was finally driving me mad, alienating me from myself and in turn from my family. It had to stop.
I couldn't stand the thought of Emmett being around that. He really was my best friend and lover. He was immature on the outside, and a very passionate lover, but underneath all of that he was wise. It would be naive of me to assume he hadn't known a bit of what was happening before. The loss was still hitting him hard, though, and I didn't want him to have to watch me struggle with feelings for another. He didn't deserve that. More than anyone I knew, Emmett deserved happiness. His selfless care and his resilience were the traits that caused me to truly love him despite my pull to Esme. I really hoped he would be able to move forward and find his mate.
Alice, of course, saw what I was going to ask before I could open my mouth. She shook her head as I opened my mouth.
"He's packing up for a trip to Denali. That's another reason you need to go back, though I can see your decision solidifying as we speak. Esme would be absolutely crushed if she lost the both of you. Everything you've said and done aside, you're still her first daughter, Rose. That isn't a loss she should have to bear." After staring out into the forest a moment longer, she stood. Our eyes met, and she nodded with a sort of certainty in her eyes that reflected the hesitant confirmation of my decision in my mind. "Things will be okay, Rose," she murmured. She stretched her little arms out and I rose to wrap mine around her.
"I trust you, Alice. I trust that you know what you're seeing, and that you can see what I'll need."
"I may have missed a few things over the past months with Bella taking up so much of my time and my mind, but I've always kept an eye out for you. Esme wasn't the only one waiting for you to come back, you know." I nodded.
"I know, and I know I should have been around more. I just...couldn't." The words were hard to say. I should have been much more present, but the suffocating feeling still rose within me and threatened to drown me every day. She stepped back, smiling at me slightly.
"You did what you had to, Rose. But now you have to do what Esme needs you to do."
I swallowed hard at the thought of returning to the chaos. I wished that the house would be empty when we got back, though I knew better than to be so optimistic.
"I know." The words left my lips somberly as I dipped my head once in agreement. I considered asking her who would be there when we got back. Shaking my head, I began to walk past her in the direction I'd come from. As I heard her gentle footsteps behind me, I picked up the pace, the trees blurring into a mass of green and grey once again.
AN: Whoo, that chapter was a little more dense than the others. I'm torn between wanting to write these 2,000-ish word updates so I don't keep you guys waiting, but I also want to reward you guys with more content because you definitely deserve it with all of these reviews haha. I need more hours in the day! Let me know, though, if you'd be willing to wait a little longer for longer chapters, because I'm totally ready to do that. If we stick to 2,000 word updates, I'll be able to post once or twice a week. If we bump it up a bit, it might take a week to two weeks for me to update, but that depends on my schedule (it could be even faster than that, especially now that things have calmed down a bit in terms of work). As always, reviews are appreciated, and I will reply to any ideas you guys bring up!
...also, if anyone cares, I'm making a playlist to go with this fic because I'm weird like that. I'll be changing the chapter names to reflect the corresponding songs on the playlist, too. The first track on the playlist is Drown, just like the title of the fic, because that's the song that inspired this madness, and I feel that it will remain relevant throughout the entire plot. I'll be adding songs as the story progresses, so if any of you are interested in listening (or seeing what the lyrics are if some of the songs aren't your cup of tea), just shoot me a PM. There will be songs from a variety of genres, though the first few chapters are pretty tense so the songs reflect that. I'm building the playlist on Spotify, so you can listen to it right in your browser once I send you the link. Don't worry, this isn't going to turn into a songfic, I just like the idea of having songs that reflect the mood of each chapter :)