AN – This is a fairly long chapter. It takes us through the days before her surgery and her actually surgery.

Thank you again to everyone who is reading this and reviewing it. Although I am terribly behind I am working on responding still.

BPOV

The next two days went by too fast. Faster than I wanted them to because with every second that ticked by that meant I was closer to surgery, closer to finding out how much was truly wrong with me. At the moment I could enjoy a state of blissful ignorance. I spent every waking moment with Edward, trying to just enjoy these last few hours of normalcy, well as normal as life with a vampire could be. For some reason I was expecting the worse, was only optimistic to a point. Perhaps because every time Alice glanced my way I noticed the sadness in her eyes. I noticed the way Edward never quite wanted to be away from my side, he was always there. While to some extent this was normal, we never did feel whole without each other there was an air of difference about it.

I didn't ask questions though. I honestly didn't want to know, didn't want to acknowledge that what I was facing would be more serious than expected. I didn't want to believe that fate could be so cruel to me, like I was some huge cosmic joke. First off I was abnormally clumsy, of all people in the world to fall in love with I find Edward who is perfect with just that pesky vampire issue, then my husband doesn't want me as an equal until I get sick (no dwelling) and then cancer, and now I risk leaving my husband to an eternity of loneliness. No pressure there of course, it was either being changed and have eternal happiness or refuse, die, and abandon Edward. I still couldn't quite explain why I was being so stubborn, why it meant so much to me to hold onto my humanity at a time like this.

"What are you thinking about?" Edward look concerned. Damn, I forgot he was watching me, always watching me.

"Just thinking about tomorrow," I knew that would distract him, as bad as that was I couldn't admit to what I was actually thinking. He had thankfully not brought up changing me again, Edward would never willing upset me and he was going to respect my wishes on this matter, no matter how much it hurt him.

"I have a surprise for you tonight if that is okay," I nodded, surprises still weren't my favorite thing in the world but with Edward as a husband it was something you got used to. He never missed the opportunity to show me how much he loved me. I think that perhaps that is why it hurt me so bad when he refused to change me. He pulled out all the stops to show his love except for the one thing I had always wanted the most. Deep down I knew we should talk more, that by avoiding the issue we were solving nothing but I didn't want to ruin what we had now.

"Of course," sitting down next to him I couldn't help but sigh, it always just felt right.

He looked down at me, the sadness there; it was always present in his eyes now. I knew that he tried to hide it from me but I knew him too well.

"Bella?" it was amazing how many questions a single word could hold. His eyes searched mine, looking for something. Something he didn't appear to be finding judging by the look in his eyes.

"What?" I said it so softly I barely heard myself but I knew that he would.

"Are you sure? Are you sure that you want to do this tomorrow?" He didn't have to elaborate on why he was asking. I imagine to him it was the sensible option that I should be taking.

"I don't know anymore, I don't know what the best answer is. I thought I wanted something for so long and now that it is being offered to me I don't know why I just can't say yes." He looked at me, his ancient eyes filled with sorrow. "The worst part of this is that I know that I am hurting you," tears came quickly now, blurring my vision. I dropped my face into my hands.

"Bella, please don't worry about hurting me, please don't let that influence your decision. If hurt was the deciding factor than I should have changed you a long time ago. I've been hurting you for over a decade without even realizing how deeply."

"I didn't think we were supposed to be talking about this anymore," I just wanted to avoid this topic, move on from here.

"Bella, honestly I don't think we are solving anything by avoiding it," he picked me up and pulled me onto his lap. "If I ask you something will you answer me honestly?"

Not sure of how to respond but knowing I couldn't deny him anything I just nodded. I hoped that it wouldn't be a question that would be too hard to answer but I knew that the chances were against it.

"Why?" One word, one simple word yet the answer was not even close to simple.

"Edward, do we have to do this?" I really didn't think it was necessary to keep rehashing the past.

"I just want to know why Bella, why after all I put you through, rejection after rejection, why you stayed with me. I would have understood if you wanted to leave, wouldn't have stopped you." The pain as he said those words was evident in his eyes.

"Edward, I've told you this before; there is nothing you could say or do to me that would stop me from loving you. Does that mean you can't hurt me, no, not at all but even if you were to leave me I would still love you? We were destined for each other from the first moment that we met, nothing could keep us apart. I'm not complete without you. Why did I never say anything to you about how much it hurt me? Honestly, I didn't want to hurt you when I knew it wouldn't make a difference anyway. I learned to live with the hurt and tried to justify it to myself. To understand that you weren't rejecting me because you didn't love me but because you thought you were doing what was best for me. It hurt that you didn't trust me enough to make my own decision but I thought I understood where you were coming from."

"There's more than that though Bella, I wouldn't even touch you beyond my barriers I had set for myself. I didn't even think to make you feel good because I feared hurting you too much to even attempt it. How could you accept that? After these past few days I'm sorry doesn't even began to cover the remorse I feel for not taking full advantage of the intimacy we could have been having in our relationship."

"Edward, although I may not always agree with your methods I understand them. Understand that you only have my best interests at heart. Your intentions are usually selfless in your mind," I sighed, not sure what else there was to say. "Edward, I think we've always tried so hard to please each other that we weren't always selfish enough. We were always so worried about the impact of our actions that we never forced our own desires to be known. I don't think that makes us horrible people, just naïve. We were each others first love, we didn't know any better. Now we know we know where we can go from here."

"Please, let's move on from here. Not because the past is unimportant but because I think we have learned from it. We've learned to not make the same mistakes again, please." He leaned down and kissed the top of my head as he sighed into my hair.

"I agree Bella; we've come a long way this past week and a half and I want us to move forward from here. We won't make the same mistakes again, I won't let us." The way he said it was so final, so certain.

"I love you," tilting my face up my lips found his. As his hard lips met mine I knew that we would somehow make it through this stronger.

As we lay in bed side by side talking sometime later he reluctantly pushed himself out of bed.

"We need to get going, time for our surprise," I had completely forgotten.

"Okay," I didn't want to appear reluctant. I knew that these things meant a lot to him. We got up and headed to the car together. It was eerily quiet downstairs and I didn't see anyone as we made our way out.

"Where did everyone go?" That was definitely not the norm.

"I think they all went hunting together," he answered but sounded distracted.

"Where are we going," I really wasn't expecting an answer and I was correct.

"No more questions, you'll see when we get there," he was smiling at me so obviously this was a good thing.

"Okay, thank you in advance, in case I forget later," laughing he put his hand on mine and raised it to his lips, kissing me gently. Just that simple act sent chills thru me. I wondered if I would always feel this way, if his touch could still elicit the same reaction 50 years from now. Would I even still be around 50 years from now?

EPOV

Even though she still didn't want to be changed I felt better knowing that we had at least talked. We couldn't avoid the subject forever after all. Looking over at her in the seat I hoped she would like the surprise that I had planned for her. I always felt like there were not enough ways to show how much I loved her.

Pulling into the parking lot I watched her look around, confused. We've lived in Alaska a number of years now but she has never truly experienced it. We walked up to the office and after some paperwork we were escorted to the waiting helicopter. After we were buckled in we ascended quickly into the heavens above, the majestic views of Alaska opening below us.

Bella was speechless, trying to take everything in. Without looking her hand searched for mine and grasped it tightly. I leaned over her shoulder, looking out her window with her, filling her in on what we were seeing below us. All too quickly the flight was over and we were back down on solid ground.

"I don't even know what to say, any words I can think of don't seem to do it justice," she was beaming. It had been a while since I had seen her so happy. "Thank you," pulling herself closer to me she kissed me. How long we stood there like that I didn't know, didn't care.

She pulled away from me, "Let's go home."

No words were necessary. I lead us to the car and headed home, my hand never losing contact with her body. We got home and I helped her out, almost carrying her through the door.

She gasped when she looked around. My family had done what I had asked, candles were lit on every available surface; the room appeared to be glowing. Whatever space was open was occupied by flowers. I had wanted to make this evening special and I could tell by the look on her face that I was succeeding.

"Oh Edward," her voice was shaky. Her eyes were filled with tears. I walked her over to the dining room table on which her favorite meal of mushroom raviolis was waiting, still steaming hot. It never failed to amuse me that this only became her favorite meal after our first dinner together in Port Angeles.

"I don't want to waste any time eating," she attempted to walk away from the table but I stopped her.

"Bella, tomorrow is a big day, you can't eat after 12:00, it's important to eat while you still can," her smile dimmed a bit and she sat down. Damn, this isn't how I wanted tonight to go, I wanted to help her forget about tomorrow not chastise her about it.

"I'm sorry Bella," running my fingers thru my hair I tried to find some way to capture the moment again.

"Don't feel bad, you're right, I forgot that I can't eat after a certain time," she smiled at me. She was also determined not to ruin this evening. She ate her food quickly and came to my side. I walked her over to the piano and sat her down next to me.

Music filled the room as I began to play. I began with her lullaby, the melody that would always belong to her. As soon as I ended I began my next song, the song that I had been working on while she slept. It started off slow and haunting, the music somehow managing to convey my anguish of the past week and a half. I noticed the tear drops on the piano keys as they fell from her eyes. Continuing I looked at her and smiled as slowly the music became loving and hopeful, trying to show that we would move on from this.

She just held me as it ended, her tears hadn't let up. "Bella, don't be sad," I wasn't getting anything right tonight. Every thing I was doing was making her sad.

"I'm not sad, just scared, I don't know if I'm ready for tomorrow," I knew how much it took for her to admit fear so I just held her, not certain of the right words to say in order to comfort her. I didn't want to promise her that everything would be okay, couldn't make that promise with any certainty.

"Can we go to bed please, can you just hold me, nothing can hurt me if you are holding me," if tears were an option for me they would be flowing freely right now. She so rarely allowed herself to appear too weak, to ask for anything and the fact that she did it now showed me how scared she truly was.

We were heading up the stairs before the question had even finished leaving her mouth. I gave her time to wash up, pulled back the covers and waited for her. She looked embarrassed when she got into bed, I wasn't sure why.

"What's wrong?" I couldn't understand why she would feel this way.

"I just feel stupid for being so scared. So many other things I have faced in my life and surgery frightens me," she bit her lip, trying to keep it from trembling.

"Bella, being scared is nothing to be ashamed of. I've been to medical school twice and I would be lying if I said I wasn't scared for you. Every surgery has it risks and in your situation it is a major surgery. I'm not trying to scare you more I just want to be honest with you, let you know that being afraid is natural." Pulling her tighter to me I rubbed my hands along her back as her body shook, I had never seen her cry as much as she had these past few days. She was barely holding herself together, the stress of everything finally getting to her.

"What if something happens?" her voice was barely a whisper.

"Then I'll join you and I'll find you, we'll be together again, I'm sure of that," I swallowed a lump in my throat.

"Please Edward, if something happens to me, don't do anything rash, think of your family, please Edward," she was pleading with me but that was one promise that I would not make her.

"Bella, I would be useless to my family if you weren't here with my anymore. Life without you would be no life. I've known that from the moment I met you, you have to understand that," she sighed and nodded.

"I love you," I still marveled at how this angel loved me.

"As I do you, forever Bella," I kissed her forehead and pulled her as close to me as I dared.

She brought her lips to mine and effectively ended the conversation. We spent the night in each others arms. I tried to offer her whatever comfort I could. Watching her while she slept was maddening. She tossed and turned, alternately between crying out my name and sobbing.

Before the sun was even up it was time to wake her up, we had to be at the hospital early to check in. She already had circles under her eyes from her restless night and I knew that the next few days at the hospital wouldn't make it any better. She got ready quickly. Her hands never quite stopped shaking as we heading downstairs where everyone was waiting. The looks on their faces was one of worry and fear, no one would ever be the same if something happened to Bella, she had touched each of our lives.

She walked to each one hugging them and smiling as they uttered words of support to her, each one squeezing her as tight as they dared. Carlisle and Esme came to the garage with us. They were driving and were going to stay by my side during the surgery. The drive was silent. I sat in the back with Bella, holding her hand. She was paler than usual and her hand felt ice cold even to me. I tried to smile, to reassure her but I had seen what Alice had shown to me and it felt forced and I hoped she wouldn't look too closely. All I wanted to do was to pick her up, hold her to me and never let her go.

We arrived at the hospital all too quickly. All I could hear was the beating of Bella's heart. The speed at which it was beating was overwhelming to me. Squeezing her hand I walked up to the check in desk with her, all the paperwork had already been filled in before hand so all we had to do was sit and wait. It wasn't long before a nurse entered thru the double doors and called us back, we were shown to a pre-op room and Bella was told to change into her hospital gown. Her small body was shivering as I helped her tie the strings up in the back. I wanted to ask her again if she was sure, to let her know that being this brave wasn't necessary. But I didn't because Bella had never in her life done what I thought she would.

Watching her sitting there on the bed it all suddenly became too real for me. She looked so utterly breakable. What would I do if something happened to her, how would I survive? I wouldn't, I couldn't it was that simple. Every second without her would be filled with agony. I needed to stay positive, for her I needed to remain calm. Trying to compose my face I went to her and sat on the bed next to her. She immediately fell into my arms, seeking comfort, reassurance. My arms wrapped around her, offering her everything, all that I was, anything to take away her pain.

We sat there, wrapped in each others arms until the nurse came in, wanting to get Bella prepped for surgery. Reluctantly I let her go, leaving a piece of myself with her. Somehow I know that even if we both survived this we would never be the same, something had shifted in our relationship, I realized that she wasn't as fragile as I had always assumed. She was stronger than me in so many ways and I'm not sure why I hadn't always realized that. Watching her as she talked to the nurse I was struck by her composure. She is always so reluctant to have anyone worry about her, even in situations such as these.

The nurse finished with checking the vitals, starting an IV, everything that would need to be done before they took Bella away. I was by her side again before the nurse had even left. She laid her head against my chest, her breathing slow but her heart racing. I smoothed down her hair and kissed her forehead, the top of head, her neck, anywhere my lips could reach. She said nothing, just accepted the comfort I was offering to her.

All too soon the doctor and the anesthesiologist entered. They once again explained the procedure to Bella and told me they would let me know the status as soon as possible. I know from medical school to expect the procedure to take 2 hours at the very least so I hoped it would go by fast. Time slipped away quickly after the doctors left, nurses were there and ready to wheel her back to surgery. Her brown eyes widened in fear, she grasped my hand tightly.

"It will be okay Bella, I love you," I wished that I could produce tears, it would be the only way to properly convey what I felt in this moment.

"I love you too Edward, always," our hands were forced to separate as we reached the doors that I couldn't enter. I gave her one last kiss and watched her until I could no longer see her. My shoulders hunched over, pain rippling in my chest I made my way back to the waiting room where Esme and Carlisle waited for me.

Esme stood up instantly and hugged me. Offering me comfort without saying a word. I sat down in the chair, willing time to pass by quickly. Esme would tap me every so often to remind me to move, I was so focused on my thoughts that I had forgotten the charade that had become so ingrained in me. I was thankful for the fact that we were all comfortable enough with each other that the need for small talk was non existent.

Watching and willing someone to pass with thoughts of Bella all I could do was wring my hands together. In all our time together, all the danger we had encountered I could not remember every feeling this powerless over Bella's future. Esme and Carlisle's thoughts alternated between concern for Bella and concern for me, I could only imagine how I looked.

It seemed like it had been days but surely only hours had passed before I could hear Bella's name in someone's thoughts. I closed off my mind, wanting to hear the news face to face, not wanting to know any sooner than necessary.

Before long her doctor entered the waiting area, quickly coming to our area.

"Dr. Maher," I stood up to greet her. I could tell by the look on her face that her news was not good.

"Mr. Cullen, I'm afraid that when we went in we found that the cancer had spread further than we had originally anticipated," she looked at me, her face full of pity. "We took out as much as we could but she will need extensive treatment after she recovers from her surgery. I wish that I had better news." She looked angry, and from her mind I could tell that she was, angry at the fates that had allowed this young woman to be inflicted with this horrendous disease. It was a testament to her character that after all this time it still affected her deeply when things went wrong.

"Thank you, I appreciate everything you've done for her," I shook her hand before she headed back thru the doors.

Before long a nurse appeared calling my name. I looked to Esme and Carlisle wanting to let them know that they were welcome to come back with me but they simply shook their heads, dealing with the news we had received.

Following the nurse down the hall I tried to assimilate all the thoughts running through my head. I was trying to make sense of the past two weeks, trying to understand what had happened to our lives. As we turned a corner I could smell her before I could see her. It was almost more powerful than the first time we had met; it overwhelmed me in a way that I had forgotten.

Taking a deep breath I followed the nurse into her room. My body stopped when I saw her lying there, pale and helpless. Her fragility had never been more evident than it was now. Quickly I went to her side, grabbing her hands in mine, wanting to be the first thing she saw when she woke up.

Slowly she started to come to, her body shifting from side to side, words falling from her lips. She called my name several times and once again my desire to shield her from this engulfed me. All I could do was be there for her until she woke up, stay by her side like I had always promised to do.

Her eyelids began to flutter and she looked around the room. It didn't take long for her to remember everything and she clutched at my hands. The pain in her eyes was evident and I wished I could do something to take it all away. She smiled when I came into focus, always trying to protect me at her own expense.

"How are you feeling?" My eyes look down her body, trying to ascertain the damage inflicted.

"Sore, tired, not too much pain," she tried to smile again but I could tell it was strained.

"Why don't you just rest then," I trailed my fingers along her face.

She simply nodded and drifted back to sleep. I stayed by her side, never letting go of her hand as I sat there, wondering what I would say to her when she woke up.

Hope you enjoyed that. The next few chapters are a bit rough so just a warning. More coming tomorrow and thanks again for reading.