AN – This chapter is what I had in mind when I first started this story. I had this idea and then wrote the rest of the story around it.

Thank you again to everyone who is reading this and reviewing it. Although I am terribly behind I am working on responding still.

EPOV

After a restless drug induced sleep her eyelids finally fluttered open again. I hadn't left her side once. I had just sat and listened to her talk, she alternated between calling my name and gentle sobbing. It broke my heart listening to her cry, wondering why she couldn't simply escape the pain at least in her sleep. Brushing her hair from her face I was once again struck by the urge to take her away, find a place where nothing could ever harm her again.

"Edward," it was a hoarse whisper. "What's wrong?" She looked disturbed by the sadness that must be apparent on my face.

"Bella, you're lying here in a hospital after surgery and you're asking me what's wrong?" I shook my head, not sure whether to laugh or scream.

"You just look so sad Edward," she squeezed my hand with hers, her delicate hand that so easily could be crushed with just the slightest pressure from me.

"Oh Bella," I stroked her hands with my own. "Dr. Maher came to talk to me after the surgery was over," that was all it took for her to understand exactly what I was talking about. Tears glistened in her eyes and she grabbed my hands as if she was holding on for dear life.

"What have I done," she shook her head back and forth and the tears fell upon her cheeks. "What have I done?"

I was confused, why was she blaming any of this on herself?

"Bella, what are you talking about?" She was crying hysterically now and I was truly getting worried. I pressed the call button for the nurse and told them to please hurry in. "Bella, you need to calm down love. Please, you need to calm down." Her wide eyes just darted around the room, not focusing on anything. I tried to soothe her with my words but she was beyond my help.

The nurse came in quickly and noted the dangerously high blood pressure on her monitor. Quickly she pulled a syringe out of her pocket and inserted it into her IV. She spoke with Bella in a soothing tone until the medicine began to take effect. It wasn't long before long Bella had dozed off again. Her face still held a trace of the tension of the past few minutes but she at least was calm again. When she was deeply asleep I called Carlisle and Esme, needing their support.

They arrived quickly in the room and Esme's face was filled with shock and despair. While used to Bella being weak we weren't used to seeing her so fragile. Esme immediately came to me and just held me. I collapsed against her, needing some way to release the emotions inside of me.

"Did you tell her Edward?" Her eyes were filled with concern.

"I started to and she just started crying hysterically and blaming it on herself." She rubbed my back, trying in vain to comfort me. "Why would she think that, why?"

"Edward, she is dealing with a lot right now. She is trying to so hard to make you happy that it is killing her to do otherwise."

"As long as she is with me I'm happy, doesn't she know that, I've told her over and over again." I went to Bella's side, sitting on the bed next to her. "All I've wanted is her since the moment I met her. Nothing could keep me away from her."

"Edward, then you have to understand where she is coming from. You claim to love her beyond reason and yet you have never wanted her as an equal as one of us."

"But you know why, you both know why," I looked to each of them, begging them to understand.

Carlisle came over to me, "Understanding and agreeing are two completely different things," he sighed and pulled a chair over. "Edward, I always knew better than to attempt to change your mind. If I thought for one second it would have made a difference I would have pushed you. Do you not realize how Jasper has to avoid you sometimes when she is around? You've never seen how she looks wistfully after you when you go hunting, hating to be reminded of your differences. Edward any time anyone even hints at it you go insane, you can not speak of it calmly."

"She's wrong it's not her fault, it's all mine, and it's always been mine. I've never deserved her. I have never been good enough for her."

"Damn it Edward, no more of this. It's not going to help either of you at this time." Carlisle seemed quite angry. It was not a side of him I was used to seeing.

"I've made a mess of things haven't I?" Looking at Bella looking so weak and so frail brought it all home to me. If I hadn't been so stubborn I could have saved her from this. She was my mate and the thought of losing her killed me, it always had. I didn't even remember the reasons why I had been denying her for all these years. All I wanted to do was change her, change her so I would never lose her. I'd do it right now but there were too many witnesses, no way we'd escape unnoticed.

My mind began plotting the different ways in which I could sneak her out. Trying to determine when the most opportune time would present itself. The nurse's shifts would have to change at some point. I would listen to get that necessary information. I could run away with her before anyone would notice, before the machines even registered her absence I would be gone.

"Edward, whatever you are thinking, stop!" Carlisle knew me too well. "You can't change her now, not against her wishes. She may never forgive you. Son I know it's hard but you can't make this decision for her now." He put his hand on my back and I knew that he was right. I could never think clearly where Bella was concerned, my need for her overwhelmed what I knew to be right and wrong.

She began moving again, crying out in her drugged sleep. My name over and over again and I tried holding her hand, caressing her face. Nothing calmed her down. I decided to lie down next to her and immediately she moved into my body calming down instantly. It was so natural. I had spent countless nights with her by my side sleeping. To be honest I looked forward to those moments. In her dreams Bella offered me a view into her thoughts I normally didn't get. I would miss that. What was I thinking? Was I so desperate that I would change her against her wishes? No. I knew that I could never do anything that would disappoint her. That would anger her. Not if I could possibly help it.

I stood in bed with her while nurses came and checked on her occassionally. They raised their eyebrows but no one challenged me. Carlisle and Esme stayed in the room and suddenly she began to stir again. Quickly I moved out of the bed, giving her room to move freely. Her eyes still were reflecting her obvious pain. She looked at me.

"Please, please come back. I need you by me." In an instant I was back, holding her as close to me as I dared. The last thing I wanted to do was cause her more physical pain.

"How are you love?" I looked deep into her eyes, trying to determine how she was coping.

"I've been better," she made a pitiful attempt at a laugh. Carlisle and Esme just smiled at her.

"Please Bella. Please don't try to be brave for us. It's important to know how much pain you really are in." I looked down her body, the smell of blood stronger than normal due to her incision.

"Honestly Edward, it hurts but nothing I can't handle." She smiled at me, always trying to shield me from her pain. She moved and a grimace marred her lovely face.

"I can get a nurse in here. Get you some more pain medication." She shook her head.

"No, all it does is make me sleepy. I just want to sit here with you. Nothing else matters as long as you're here. Please don't ever leave." She started crying again. I looked to Carlisle for direction. I knew it was a combination of the drugs and tiredness that was doing this to her but I couldn't handle seeing her like this. Sitting by her side again I tried to soothe her. She eventually fell back into a fitful sleep. Her breath would stutter occasionally from her earlier crying.

"Is this normal?" Trips to medical school do not prepare you for this. It's easier to be calm when you aren't emotionally invested in the patient.

"Yes it is," Carlisle switched to doctor mode. "Anesthesia affects everyone differently but everyone is disorientated to varying degrees. She'll be okay."

I simply nodded and stayed by her side. Trying to offer her whatever comfort I could. Her breathing calmed and she seemed at peace for the moment. Wondering what okay for her meant. Chemotherapy, radiation, more surgeries, what did her future hold? I sighed. I had never in all my years felt as helpless as I did at that moment.

Our next few days in the hospital were a blur. I never left her side and the nurses quickly learned that asking me to leave was a useless endeavor. She slowly got stronger. I helped her walk around the hospital, helped her eat. We waited patiently until we could finally go back to our new home. She wanted to be out of the hospital just as badly as I did. She hated having so much attention upon herself.

When she was finally released we sat in the back of the car while Carlisle drove us to our new home. I held her hand and she leaned against me. She was still quite weak and in pain but we were taking this one day at a time. Her parents called her everyday, wanting to come and visit. She always said no, she wanted to be better before she saw them again. When we pulled into the driveway I could tell by the noises coming from inside that everyone was there waiting to see her. They had come to see her at the hospital as much as they could but that atmosphere was hard for some of them to handle. They were excited to see Bella back home again.

Helping her from the car I just carried her inside, against her protests. I knew that everyone was anxious to see her and that the simple process of checking out had tired her. I carried her straight to the couch. Esme had been busy while we were in the hospital, completely decorating our new place. Everyone gathered around her, trying hard to not let their faces betray how surprised they were by her appearance. If possible her skin was even paler than normal. She had deep shadows under her eyes and she had lost some weight and appeared frailer than usual.

Everyone quickly had pillows and blankets for her, wanting to make her comfortable. I could tell that all the attention made her uncomfortable but she smiled at everyone.

"Thank you for being here," her voice was tired, barely a whisper.

"Of course, we've missed you Bells," Emmett was trying very hard to be chipper for her.

"Welcome home Bella," Rosalie smiled at her. She debated about whether or not to try to hug her. Eventually she decided to just give her a gently pat on the shoulder.

"Oh Bella," Alice just sat next to her, holding her hand. She couldn't bring herself to say more. She knew far too much and still didn't want to accept it.

Jasper kept a safe distance, the emotions that swirled in the room making him uncomfortable. The room was filled with love, pity, sadness, it was almost unbearable.

Everyone stood around her, not quite sure what to do or what to say.

Bella tried to make small talk with everyone but I knew she was quickly tiring. A large yawn escaped her mouth and everyone quickly excused themselves. They all promised to return soon to see her again. Only Carlisle and Esme stayed behind. I carried her upstairs to our bedroom and placed her on the bed.

"Get some rest love," I kissed her forehead.

"Don't leave," her eyes pleaded with me. Quickly I was beside her in the bed. I placed another blanket around her and savored the feeling of her next to me. She fell asleep quickly.

Edward, I'm sorry. Please Edward don't go, don't leave me alone. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

Her dreams had been like this lately, always apologizing to me. I was never sure what they were about but didn't have the heart to question her in the morning. It broke my heart that she could never escape her agony.

Rubbing her back I allowed myself to dream. Dream of a life with her as my equal by my side, a life where I could never lose her. Her beauty would be magnified when she became a vampire. I couldn't imagine Bella more amazing than she was now.

She would be different though. Better? I wasn't sure. Underneath the changes she would still be the human girl I fell in love with. Perhaps that is why I had never changed her. Not only would I be taking her life I would be changing who she was. Changing her from who I had fell in love with. Was I afraid of that?

Looking down at her I couldn't imagine a Bella that I wouldn't love. Who was a bigger fool than I was? She was everything I had waited decades for, everything I had never thought to ask for. Yet the one thing she had wanted from me I had denied her repeatedly. It was the one thing I had always wanted too though, to never lose her. It was why I had never been able to stay away.

There had to be some way that I could convince her. Some way to make her see I wanted this. I couldn't bear to see her in anymore pain. She was scheduled to start chemotherapy in a few days and I didn't want her to go through that. I would know the entire time that none of this would have ever happened if not for me.

There was no insight into her mind again. Her sleep was silent but restless. She never lost contact with my body though. Her hand would always find a way to reach for me. I offered her whatever small comfort I could, cherishing these moments we had together.

As she slept I allowed my mind to wander to the very real possibility that I would lose her. She seemed to think that somehow I would be able to survive losing her. That somehow I would be capable of moving on with my life. I couldn't fathom how she would even be able to think such things. She was my life and without her by my side my existence would cease. There was no question about it, no doubt. Our lives were irrevocably tied together.

I was not sure how I could make her understand that. How could I make her believe me that I wanted her as an equal? I had fought her on this for 1/3 of her life. She had every reason to doubt my motives now. To be honest they weren't pure. They were selfishly motivated to a degree. It all boiled down to the same thing though, life without her was not a possibility. Why I had not arrived at that conclusion sooner was not something to focus on. I had reached the proper conclusion, albeit the timing was bad but the motivating force behind it was the same. I loved her, beyond all reason, beyond all distraction, I loved her.

She stirred in my arms. Her wide brown eyes opened and searched for me instinctively.

"I'm here love," she smiled and I felt whole again.

"Edward, don't you need to hunt?" When would she ever put herself first?

"Don't worry about me okay, I'm fine," she just nodded and sighed. I knew these last few days had to be trying on her and wished I could somehow make it all better. All I could do though was be there for her as she got better. Try to help her to become whole again.

Our days became routine. Bella was still too weak to do much beyond sleep and rest downstairs. Everyday I made her walk as much as possible, wanting her to heal as soon as she could. Although it would be so easy for me to carry her around everywhere it wouldn't help her. I had to fight against my natural instinct to protect her from pain. It was a necessary pain, something that had to be endured in order to move on. It was almost ironic to think about, our lives were always about pain being endured in one way or another.

Everyone came to visit daily. They all wanted to spend as much time with her as they possibly could. They all sensed that something was changing but weren't ready to admit it quite yet. Bella really wasn't Bella anymore. She was a paler, weaker, sadder version of her former self. Her face still lit up whenever I entered the room but it didn't always reach her expressive eyes. I missed the life that used to radiate from them.

The family's presence allowed me time to hunt quickly around our home, just enough to sustain me so that I wouldn't be gone long. Not extremely satisfying but I wouldn't be leave her side for longer than necessary.

All too soon the day for chemotherapy was upon us. I didn't want to think of poison flowing thru Bella's body. How ironic once again, I would love nothing more than to have my poison flowing through her body at this moment.

We drove to the hospital together once again. She was nervous but talkative. I think she wanted me to distract her, to make her feel somewhat normal in a life full of chaos. We checked in and waited to be called back. I tried to watch her without drawing attention to myself. She was so frail. I didn't want to think of the effect that this would have on her. Her body didn't seem like it could handle much more.

We were called back and Bella was hooked up to the IV that would administer the drugs into her system. Drugs that would attack her cells, attack her precious body. They would make her sick, lose her hair. It would change her.

I held her hand while she sat down, a role that I had been perfecting lately. Me standing by offering her comfort while she was in pain. It was the story of our lives to date. Always trying but somehow failing to keep her from getting hurt.

She closed her eyes and held my hand tightly while the poison moved through her veins. I could smell it as it moved through her blood stream, smell the changes it made in her normal intoxicating scent. It offended my nose and made me want to cringe. Every day my poor Bella was changing into something I didn't recognize anymore.

When she finally finished her treatment I had to hold my breath. Her scent was so offensive to me now that it burned me in a different way. She must have sensed my discomfort.

"Edward, why don't you just get the car while I check out," I was never very good at hiding things from her.

"Don't be silly Bella. I'm not leaving your side." I pulled her close to me, ignoring the urge to run away.

"Thank you Edward, I really need you right now," now I felt even worse. All she ever wanted was my presence and I as always thought about myself.

We drove home, making small talk, trying to avoid the topic we had been avoiding steadily for weeks now. I tried to crack the window, get fresh air into the car. I was impatient for an opportunity to escape her scent. Finally we made it home and I opened my door before the car had even fully stopped. I took huge breaths of fresh air trying to prepare myself before I opened her door. Although the offensive odor was still very strong I found that with the deeper breaths I could still catch traces of my Bella.

Having processed all this information in about 1/10 of a second I was at Bella's door before she could suspect anything. I opened it and noticed she hadn't even unlatched her seatbelt yet. Quickly I removed it and lifted her in my arms. She was looking a bit green and a sheen of sweat covered her face. We made our way upstairs, she obviously needed some rest. We passed Carlisle and Esme on the way up and I could tell by their wrinkled noses that they had noticed the smell also.

Once in the room I went to place her on our bed and she shook her head and pointed at the bathroom. I placed her next to the sink and make my way out, closing the door behind me. Going over to our stereo I picked some soothing music to turn on. Nothing could drown out the sound of her retching behind the door though. She was horribly sick for quite some time. I went in to check on her, rubbing her back and holding a cold wash cloth to her head. Finally her frail body was spent and I carried her to bed, covering her up.

I sat next to her as she fell into a fevered sleep. She was too weak to thrash around much but she never stopped talking.

No

Why

It hurts. Why does it hurt so badly?

Please Edward, don't go.

Don't go.

I'll change…..I'll change.

My ears perked up at her last sentence. She was willing to change now? In what way was she referring to? Over and over again she repeated these things and I sat there rubbing her back. I tried to ignore the smell that now filled the room but it was too strong to be denied. It burned me with an intensity that I had forgotten.

I needed to smell her, the real her. Lifting her wrist to my nose I inhaled deeply. There it was the slightest trace of her. Perhaps if I moved to her pulse points it would be easier for me to find her scent. I moved around her body inhaling deeply until suddenly her smell filled the room again. It was if I could taste it, taste her. I was buzzed off the greatness of it. It was so strong and intoxicating. My body hummed with it.

Abruptly her sleep talking ended. I looked down at her, making sure she was still sleeping. I was surprised to find her eyes filled with terror and pain. She opened her mouth and a bloodcurdling scream escaped her. Over and over she screamed. They filled the room, echoed around me. I attempted to soothe her but it only made her more frantic.

Suddenly our bedroom door slammed open and Carlisle and Esme ran in frightened.

Carlisle took one look at Bella and then his eyes settled on me, "Edward, what have you done?"

Okay I promise that I will update again tomorrow. I won't leave you hanging there for long.

Let me know how you are liking it so far.