The Truth Of The Heart
Summary: Lily Evans has always, ALWAYS hated James Potter. So when they become Head Boy and Girl, nothing could be worse. But could working with him change Lily's opinion? Has she been ignoring the truth in her heart all along?
Disclaimer: I don't own any of this….except a few minor characters, so please don't sue me, JKR, 'cause I have nothing you want….unless you're into human flesh (you're not, are you?) Kudos to JKR, since I copied some bits out of CoS for authenticity in this chapter.
A/N: Thank you guys all SO MUCH for your reviews – it's nice to know I haven't been forgotten! I would do review thank-yous, but if this fic gets taken down again for anything, it won't be going up again, so I won't risk it. Read on!
NOTE: This chapter contains one reference to PG-13/ mild R-rated content. Don't read it if you don't like things like that.
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Chapter 15: . . . And Ten Steps Back
At seven in the morning, a few days later, an alarm clock went off. A hand emerged from under the blankets to turn it off (translation: bang it vigorously until it shut up), and the figure of a dishevelled redhead rose up. Realising what time it was, she dressed quickly and made her way to the common room. She sank into a comfortable chair and tried hard not to fall back into slumber.
Five minutes passed.
Shaking herself awake, she walked to the foot of the boys' dormitory stairs, and called up them.
"James!"
There was no response. Frowning, she tried again a few minutes later. "JAMES!"
A pair of fourth-years passing through gave her a curious look, but there was no response from the person she was calling. Sighing, she sat down, and waited for a further five minutes before groaning, getting up, and going up the stairs. Making her way towards the seventh-year dorm, she smiled guiltily to herself as she retraced her steps from a week and a half ago. She knocked lightly on the door. "Hello?"
Footsteps sounded across the dorm. "Who is it?" Sirius called.
"Lily. Can I come in?"
There was a muffled yelp, presumably from Peter, and Sirius called back hurriedly. "No, don't, Peter isn't quite . . . uh, presentable yet."
To her amusement, Lily could hear him muttering to Peter. ". . .no you idiot, just put some trousers on and then get rid of the Dungbombs – push the fireworks under Remus' bed, yeah, and the ink pellets . . ."
"Sirius," Lily called, trying hard not to laugh. "In case you didn't realise, I can hear every word you say, so unless you want to give me the advantage of blackmail, I would suggest you shut up and did what I wanted."
"Damn," Sirius muttered. He exhaled loudly. "Ok Lily, what do you want?"
"Is James awake?"
"No . . . he's," Lily heard Sirius crossing the room, and there was a rattle of curtains being drawn back, "fast asleep."
"Can you wake him up please? Remind him that we've got . . ." Lily looked at her watch, "fifteen minutes to go deliver the plans to McGonagall before breakfast."
She heard bedsprings creaking, and Sirius' slightly more stifled voice. "James? Wake up! Oi, Prongs mate, you've got company! Our lovely Head Girl is standing outside!"
A few seconds of silence, then Sirius called out, "He's not waking up!"
Lily groaned. "Then do something, anything! Strip the covers off him, pour cold water on him, whatever it takes!"
There was the sound of something falling to the floor, and a moment later, Lily heard a tap open.
Sirius sounded more hesitant when he replied this time. "Pete just stripped the covers, but obviously he finds it comfortable, even when his whole upper half's soaking. Still asleep, Lils, sorry."
"Arrgh!" Lily made a noise of frustration. She thought for a few moments. "Sirius, you can hear me fairly clearly, right?"
"Yeah," came the bemused reply.
"Good." Lily took a deep breath. "JAMES POTTER, GET YOUR LAZY ARSE OUT OF BED THIS INSTANT!"
A second year emerging from a dormitory further down the hall gave her a scandalised look. She smiled apologetically. "Sorry, just trying to wake up a lazy Head Boy." The boy gave her a strange look and scuttled off quickly; Lily sighed. "Well?" she asked impatiently.
"I definitely heard you, and I'm pretty sure the whole Tower did too, but Jamesie here didn't." He was chuckling as he spoke.
Peter was laughing too. "Always knew you had the language in you, Lily! I'm sure James would have been glad to know that he was the one who brought it out!" he called.
"Oh trust me," Lily said darkly. "He's brought it out plenty of times before this."
Sirius sighed. "I am helping you out for the sole reason that I don't intend to be blackmailed into being nice to Snivellus for a month, or into scrubbing the Transfiguration classroom. Remember that." There was a creak again, and then Sirius began yelling.
"JAMES! LILY AND I HAVE DECLARED OUR UNDYING LOVE FOR EACHOTHER! WE'RE GOING TO GET MARRIED TOMORROW! AND THEN WE'RE GOING TO HAVE WILD SWEATY ANIMAL SEX DAY AND NIGHT FOR THE NEXT TWO WEEKS ON OUR HONEYMOON IN THE CARIBBEAN!"
"SIRIUS!" Lily cried. "You are so dead!"
"I thought it would be worth it to see the look on his face when he woke up," Sirius called innocently. "Only problem with that was that he didn't wake up."
"Is the boy completely deaf?" Peter's shocked voice sounded.
Lily breathed deeply and slowly, trying to stay calm. "What am I going to do?" she asked frustratedly. "I can't go alone, we're both meant to hand the stuff in, and I now have," she checked her watch, "seven minutes to go down here." She slumped against the door and slid down into a sitting position against it. Inside the dorm, there was silence. Lily could almost hear Peter and Sirius shrugging helplessly at each other.
"I can't believe I'm going to say this," she said at last, resignedly. "James, if you get yourself out here in less than five minutes, I will kiss you."
There was a brief pause as Sirius relayed the message by yelling it into James' ear, sounding more than a little shocked as he did so. Seconds later, there was an answering flurry of movement, and Peter whooped.
"Way to go, Lily! You've really lit a fire under him!"
"If I'd known he reacted this fast to this kind of bribery, I would have used it years ago!"
James' disgusted voice sounded. "Padfoot, never, never try bribing me with a kiss from you."
Exactly three minutes and twenty seconds later, the door opened and Lily fell backwards onto a pair of shoes. James grinned as he hauled her up, his hair tousled, and his t-shirt looking like it had gone years without knowing the touch of an iron.
"Ow," she complained, rubbing her back. "You could have warned me! Your trainers hurt to fall onto!"
"Sorry," said James, not looking sorry at all. "Now, I believe you promised me something?"
"Oh yeah," Lily said. She caught sight of Peter and Sirius hovering just inside the dormitory, and pulled the door firmly shut. "No audiences."
"Fair enough."
"How come you ignore everything except the last offer?"
"I have selective hearing." James smirked. "Besides, kisses from girls like you are not something you come by every day."
"And flattery will not get you round me," Lily said, although she was half-smiling. She stood on tiptoe, grabbed his arm, and pressed a kiss to his lips.
Well. That was what was supposed to happen. In theory, at least. The reality was that Lily stood on tiptoe, put one hand on his arm to steady herself, and used the other to bring his face closer to hers, and pressed her lips briefly to his cheek.
Deed done.
"Hey!" James complained.
"I never said where I would kiss you!" Lily said merrily. She looked at the time. "Oh God! We have to go! One minute!" She started running down the corridor.
"The plans?" hollered James, as he chased after her.
"I got them from the Head rooms just now, before I came up to find you," Lily tossed over her shoulder as she scrambled out of the portrait hole.
Damn early risers, James thought as he screeched to a halt and knocked Lily over outside the Transfiguration classroom.
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Having handed in three scrolls of parchment to an only slightly irate Professor McGonagall, Lily and James made their way to the Great Hall for breakfast. Sapphire gave them a smile as they walked past, while Emma looked determinedly in the other direction.
It was when Lily sat down that she realized how very strangely Sirius was behaving. He and Remus were sitting at one end, and Sirius was laughing madly at something while Remus, plainly trying to ignore him, had his nose buried in a book.
"Jamesie!" Sirius guffawed and Lily pulled a few slices of toast onto her plate. "Betcha that's what your mum calls you when no one's around. 'Jamesie dear, come get your tea like a good little boy!''" He chortled, and James rolled his eyes.
"How much sugar has he had?" he asked Remus.
"Hmm?" Remus said absently. He looked up at Sirius, then James. "Is that including or not including the two packs of Bertie Botts, our entire stash of Chocolate Frogs, and all that toffee your mum sent him last week?"
"Bloody hell," James said. "Sugar high," he explained briefly to Lily. "This is why it's a bad idea to let him loose in Honeydukes."
Meanwhile, Sirius had picked up the orange that Lily had been peeling, and pulled it apart.
"Segment!" he said cheerily, holding one up. "Isn't that a sexy word? Come on, say it with me! Segment. Seg-ment."
"Told you he was a demented maniac," Remus said, as he turned a page.
Lily turned to Remus. "Remus, have you . . . uh, talked to Emma recently?"
Remus looked up again. "No, not really. I've got a funny feeling she's avoiding me . . ."
". . . because I'm around," Lily finished. "I'm really sorry."
"Don't be." Remus took a sip of orange juice. "It's up to her to choose what she does."
"Don't be silly," Sirius snorted. "The only reason they aren't talking is because of a minor disagreement, isn't it? What is it now, Remmie-poo? Sleeping positions?" He giggled madly; Remus eyed him in disgust and moved away towards James. "Doesn't she know that werewolves like it doggy-style?"
There was silence.
James' head had shot up, and he was staring in undisguised horror at Sirius.
Remus was still looking down at his book, though the sudden tenseness of his body showed that he had clearly stopped reading.
A confused look crossed Sirius' face. "Oops?"
James looked furious; his hazel eyes darkened, and a thunderous look on his face showed that he was evidently getting ready to launch into a furious tirade. But Remus spoke first.
"I suppose you know now." He put his book down, carefully marking the page, and looked at Lily.
She shrugged. "I already guessed." She said. At this, James turned round to look at her, his face now betraying his surprise.
"How?"
"Disappearing once a month, always around the full moon, those stories you always told us about where you went, the way you looked so ill before and after, the way the Boggart changed into a moon in third year when it saw you, the way you hate silver." Lily shrugged again. "It was obvious when I put it all together."
Remus was pale, but still sounded calm. "Have you told anybody?"
Lily shook her head. "No. And I don't intend to either. Although I don't see what their problem is."
"They look at me and see a monster." Remus' tone was dejected, to say the least.
"But I don't." Lily got up and climbed over James to sit down beside Remus, and put a hand on his shoulder. "I look at you and I see nothing but a friend. A friend who's kind, clever, caring, funny, and a friend who definitely ranks among one of my best. I see someone who was one of those there for me when I needed them. Look at me, Remus." Unwillingly, Remus raised his eyes to hers. "I don't care about what you turn into once a month. I care about you."
There was a very pregnant pause.
"Thanks," Remus said, in a low voice. It wasn't much of a statement, but Lily knew he meant it.
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"I'm telling you, that just proved it, girls are statistically better at Charms than boys!" Lily argued, as she walked out of the classroom.
"No it does not! Maybe we were just having a bad lesson!" James shot back. They had been having this discussion all the way through Charms. The class had been set a particularly complex form of Emotion Charm to practice, and strangely enough, many girls had found it easier than boys did, giving rise to the aforementioned argument.
"Seriously, if you look it up, you'll see that 72 of girls gained an E or above for OWL and NEWT level Charms, compared to only 23 of –"
"Oh don't throw statistics at me. They're just a bunch of numbers, and I dropped Arithmancy after fifth year. Besides, you don't even know what I got."
"What did you get, then?"
"An E."
"I'm impressed," Lily said dryly. "But the fact remains that girls are just better at Charms, and especially types of Emotion Charms, because they're more in touch with their own emotions."
"That's a load of crap. I'm totally in touch with my emotions."
"So, do you discuss the way you feel about problems and things with your friends? Because when we do that, you call us girly."
"I'm not girly!" By this time, Remus, Sirius and Peter had given up trying to change the conversation and had walked on ahead.
"Well then there you are. You aren't in touch."
"Yes I am! I'll have you know that I discuss a lot of deep things with Remus and Sirius and Peter!"
"Oh yeah, I've heard some of the 'deep things' you discuss." Lily snorted. 'Let me see, there's 'Peter! I saw you changing your sheets in the middle of the night. You had a . . . wet dream!'" Lily mimicked Sirius' tone of voice perfectly. "And how about 'So what exactly goes on in this 'working relationship'?"
All at once, she realised her mistake.
Oh hell. Oh bloody hell. What have I done?
One glance at James told her that it hadn't passed him by either. He was frowning, his eyes narrowed at her.
"Where did you hear that? We wouldn't have said anything like that in front of you."
Lily tried to laugh it off. "I suppose I must have been walking behind you and overheard."
James shook his head and looked even more suspiciously at her. "No, anything like that would have stayed up in the . . . dorms."
His eyes widened. Lily could see him putting two and two together, and to her horror, they were making four.
"Sirius said those things a while ago . . . and the only people were us . . . and Keegan. And Keegan." His voice was almost a whisper. "Lily, please tell me that you didn't turn into Keegan."
Lily couldn't trust herself to speak. She looked away. James interpreted her silence – correctly. Abruptly, he too turned away.
"I don't believe it. I won't believe it." He turned back, and expression in his eyes that she had never seen before; hurt, anger, disbelief, and something else she couldn't identify.
"You – you took -"
"Polyjuice," Lily said numbly.
James simply looked at her. Lily found her voice again.
"James you have to understand, I didn't do it for myself! I did it for -" She stopped short.
She couldn't betray Emma, even if she had wanted to.
"Who, Lily?" James spat. "Who'd you do it for?" He took a step closer as she backed up, and Lily realized again, as if for the first time, how tall and imposing he was. His eyes had gone incredibly dark, and he was glaring down at her. 'Come on, tell me!' he shouted, and his voice echoed down the corridor; but no one would hear – they were all at dinner. Lily flinched as he took another step forward, and she found herself up against the wall. "Was this for Emma, or Sapphire? Or was it just some bloody dare that you planned out? Or better yet, was it just you wanting to do a check on our room? What the fuck made you want to betray our friendship like this?" His eyes showed plainly how furious he was, and they were trained on Lily with all the intensity of a spotlight.
"I . . . can't tell." Lily struggled with herself to just admit the truth, but she couldn't. She couldn't expose Emma.
'Oh right, so that's all you have to say? You spy on us, listen to all the things that we say to each other in confidence, then use our friendship when we try to help you, and you can't tell? For God's sake, this isn't a game! Using people, and eavesdropping aren't bloody games!" James was so near now that she felt enclosed on all sides by his rage. Lily's head was beginning to swim. She breathed unevenly, sensing how close he was to her, how near his face was to hers. Even though their robes weren't touching, weren't even brushing each other, she felt as though she was caught up in a straitjacket by him, and every time she breathed in, all she could take in was his intoxicating cologne. The cold stone wall gave her no escape, either from him, or from her own flushed cheeks.
"Let me just understand this. You've spent all these years telling my friends and I that we're bullies and prats, and players and that we use people? Talk about hypocritical."
"James, please." Lily could feel a lump in her throat as his gaze bored straight through her.
"Don't James, please me! You're the one who fucked up!"
Lily wanted to sink into the floor and die. James looked dangerously angry. His eyes, dark pools of emotion, were holding her gaze, and a pure, unadulterated fury was emanating from them, striking her to the very core.
"James, I've told myself this a hundred times! Please, you couldn't make me feel any worse! I'm so sorry . . ."
"You think sorry is going to change anything? You think it's going to erase my mind? Get out your wand and obliviate me if you think that." His eyes were blazing with suppressed emotion. When he spoke again, however, his voice was back to a normal volume, but cold, as cold as ice. It was almost worse than when he was yelling. "The single reason that I'm not going to tell Remus or Sirius is that I've never seen Remus so happy as he is when he's with Emma, and I don't want to ruin that."
It's already ruined.
"But I would rather have a hundred Remuses and Siriuses than one of you. I can't believe I spent four years following you!" He looked her up and down in an expression that was close to loathing.
"Maybe you're not the girl I thought you were."
Tears finally spilled over Lily's paled cheeks as James walked away. "Wait," she cried, but it was too late, he had turned the corner.
Moments later, she heard a crack as he punched or kicked a wall, and a loud "Fuck!"
She leant back against the wall, trying to push back the ball of misery that was threatening to erupt. A slight movement made her look round, and she saw Emma standing at the other end of the corridor, shock written plainly all over her face.
It was too much. Sucking in a soft sob, she raced away, down the passages towards toe Heads' room, where she flung herself onto a sofa and buried her face in a pillow to muffle all sound.
Bitterly, she cried.
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A/N: Sorry this chapter took so long to get up – personal issues meant I wasn't on the computer long enough to edit and proof it before I could post it. I just want to say that I support The Great Break, and although I'm going to continue posting here because I only just started reposting, I'm fairly sure that most of you have heard of Sarinileni's horrible treatment by this site. The Great Break is against the unfair no-questions-asked-removal-of-story policy, and they have my full support – what this site does is completely unjust and if they want to have such a big site, they should be able to run it in a way that is appropriate and fair – the way they handle their administration right now is turning away a lot of good authors. I've had first-hand experience of it, and what makes it worse is that they add insult to injury by being incapable of even responding to polite emails questioning removal. I suggest checking out Sarinileni's profile or Solarism's, if you want more information. Fight the unfair policies.
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