The Truth Of The Heart

Summary: Lily Evans has always, ALWAYS hated James Potter. So when they become Head Boy and Girl, nothing could be worse. But could working with him change Lily's opinion? Has she been ignoring the truth in her heart all along?

Disclaimer: I don't own any of this….except a few minor characters, so please don't sue me, JKR, 'cause I have nothing you want….unless you're into human flesh (you're not, are you?)

A/N: Thank you guys all SO MUCH for your reviews – it's nice to know I haven't been forgotten! I would do review thank-yous, but if this fic gets taken down again for anything, it won't be going up again, so I won't risk it. Read on!

Chapter 16: Solitude

When Lily opened her eyes again, it appeared to be morning. The room was lit by a weak daylight that made the ever-burning fire look even more enticing. For a moment, she wondered why she was feeling so miserable, and then she remembered the events of last night. Awkwardly, she pulled herself off the couch and went into her room, where she surveyed the reflection in her mirror.

She looked a mess. Hair all over the place, and red eyes from crying so much. Going into the adjacent bathroom that the Head Boy and Girl shared (although she doubted that James had discovered it), she did her best to clean herself up, and hoped that light make-up would cover the evidence of a rough night.

As Lily walked out of the rooms and down the corridor, she wondered idly why she had cried so much over her fight with James, when she had not so much as shed a tear over her argument with Emma.. Maybe it's just that I was hit hard by going through another fight. Or maybe it's just that I feel the loss of the Marauders now because I know them. She sighed as she pushed open the door to the Great Hall. I am going to miss Sirius splashing water at me to wake me up at breakfast, though, she thought sadly. And Remus helping me with homework. And James . . . James being James. She stepped into the Great Hall, which was just beginning to empty, and made her way quietly over to the Gryffindor table, hoping to sit down unnoticed. Unfortunately, Sirius happened to look up at that exact moment.

"Lily! Over here!" he called jovially. Lily stopped short in her tracks. His voice had alerted the last three people that she wanted to meet to her presence. Emma, who had previously been studying a textbook, looked up; but then her head snapped back down again. Sapphire, sitting next to her, was eyeing her in concern – the make-up had obviously not done its job – and was already half out of her seat. James had stolen a glance at her, but when she looked at him, she could see him glowering at his cereal.

Making a split-second decision, she turned on her heel and walked as coolly as she could back out of the hall. Rounding a corner, she stood still and breathed in deeply.

Maybe she would eat later.

-&-

Breakfast turned out to be a preview of the rest of the day. Lily seriously considered skipping all her classes that day and hiding out in the Heads' Rooms, but in the end her more studious nature won out, and she found herself down in the dungeons as usual. Potions was normally hell anyway, because of Professor Stingrey, who favoured his own House pupils almost to a fault, but if it wasn't for Tom Jacobs, who invited her to work in a three with him and Keegan, she would probably have walked straight out of the room, unable to control herself. Herbology was not good either – this was the one class that she took with Emma alone, and unlike the past lessons, where she was used to ignoring Emma, she could sense her now looking at her with a hint of guilt – no, pity, Lily corrected herself sternly, that was the only thing she could feel for her now, now that the Marauders were gone.

She arrived in Charms early and parked her bag on the desk next to her, hoping that this would indicate that no one was to sit there. Unfortunately, although Emma and James gave her a wide berth, she looked up a few minutes before the bell to see Tom's face looming over her.

"Mind if I sit here?" he asked cheerily.

"But what about -" Lily began, looking around. Then she saw Keegan sitting on a side with a pretty Ravenclaw brunette, Claire Jaimeson, talking animatedly. She changed mid-sentence. "Yeah, ok, I suppose." Nice as the gesture was, she was beginning to wonder why he had to be in all her classes that day.

Finally, Lily was able to breathe a sigh of relief and escape to her Head room after Defence Against the Dark Arts. She sank into a chair, and then pulled herself up, remembering that the Marauders were unlikely to swing by and drag her off to the kitchens today. Slowly, she sneaked downstairs and entered the kitchens, requesting an apple pie.

"Hi Lils."

She started and turned round to see Sirius sitting at a table behind, chewing on a chicken sandwich. He looked mildly surprised to see her there alone.

"Hey."

"What're you doing here?"

She accepted her food from a house-elf, and sat down opposite. "Same as you."

"What, avoiding Quidditch practice in the rain with James by saying I had detention, and then avoiding homework in the common room with Remus by saying I had a sore throat?"

Lily smiled. "Ok, maybe not. I'm just hungry." They chewed for a few moments in silence.

"Lily, can I ask you something?"

"You just did," she replied, not taking her eyes off her plate.

"Yeah, well, something else. What happened between you and James?"

Lily looked up sharply. "What did he tell you?"

"Nothing, but he's been in a really weird mood all day, either depressed or moody, and he snapped at us every time we tried to ask him what was wrong. I just figured that since you aren't hanging around with us – and what with the fact that both of you looked like you wanted to murder me this morning – there was something going on."

"You figured right," Lily said, as lightly as she could manage. She took another bite of pie and swallowed before speaking. "But I can't say anything."

Sirius studied her face for a moment. "Well, don't forget that Remus and Peter and me aren't James," he said quietly. He got up. "I'd better go back before Remus catches on to the fact that I'm not really in the Hospital Wing," he said, grinning at her. "See you around."

Despite herself, Lily grinned back, and he left the kitchens. Washing down her pie with a glass of water, Lily left as well, feeling only slightly more comforted.

-&-&-&-

By the end of the next day, Lily was ready to admit defeat. She had not felt so shunned for a long time. Although Remus and Sirius gave her a smile whenever they saw her, she could not help but feel rather low now that she had the enmity of four people in her class alone. Then there were the Marauder groupies, namely, girls who followed the four boys around like hounds with their tongues hanging out. Although they had maintained a fairly regular neutrality to her for most of the year so far, and then become sickeningly sweet during her brief respite with the Marauders, they now acted like she was a witch – a witch in a world full of suspicious Muggles. Whispers followed her like dogs as the news that she was not with the Marauders spread like wildfire, until Lily was heartily sick of it. Let them talk, she thought sourly, and she walled herself up in her room, where she tried to work and ignore the pangs of loneliness coming from the bundle of misery that seemed to have gained a permanent home lodged in her chest.

She was carrying a pile of books, with the top one open so that she could read as she walked, back to the Heads' rooms from the library. She was so engrossed in trying to understand the complex Transfiguration that James helped – had been helping her with, that she walked straight into someone. Looking up, startled, she saw that she had bumped into – literally – James. Mumbling her apologies, she bent down to pick up the books lying on the floor, expecting him to walk on. Instead, his trainers stood in front of her for several seconds before he too bent down and began to gather things into a neat pile. Risking an involuntary glance at his face, Lily saw his expression, twisted between pretended indifference and an emotion that she did not want to identify.

"Thanks," she said as she stood, dusting her skirt down self-consciously. She rebalanced her books in her arms, waiting for him to go, but for one moment, she thought he was going to say something to her – his mouth opened and he took a breath, as if to speak; but then it snapped shut again, and he dodged past her and walked off without a word.

Shrugging to herself, Lily opened her book and began to read and walk again. It was best to distract herself from the stinging sensation behind her eyes and the lump in her throat.

Reaching the masks, she rested her chin on the books to keep them from falling as she stretched for the nose.

"Lily!"

She was so unused to hearing people call for her that it took a moment for the call to register. When it did, she turned round. Sapphire was standing at the end of the corridor.

"Hey Saffy," she said quietly. Sapphire ran up and grabbed her wrist.

"Lily, you have to come!"

"Huh?" Lily looked perplexed.

"Please Lils, just come on." Sapphire looked strangely excited.

"But my books -"

"Can wait. Who cares about your books? Lily, please, you need to come. This is really important."

Lily allowed herself to be dragged off by Sapphire, who led her down corridors, looking feverishly excited, until they reached the Fat Lady.

"Chizpurfle," she said quickly, and the Fat Lady swung obligingly open to admit them. Sapphire pulled Lily over to the girls' stairs, when –

Sirius bounded up in front of them. "Boo!" he said cheerfully. "And here's a rare sight: our Lily-of-the-Valley actually in the common room for once, with Sapphire-of-the-Valley." He considered for a moment. "No, that doesn't sound right. Sapphire-in-the-Mud suits you more."

It was a mark of how distracted Sapphire was that she actually responded to him, instead of ignoring him as per usual.

"GET LOST, Sirius! Go to Manchester, go to Italy, go to Pakistan for all I care, just go away from me!" She shoved him roughly aside and continued upstairs, Lily in tow.

Sapphire pushed the door open impatiently and pulled Lily inside. She came in, wondering what Sapphire wanted her to do in an empty dorm, and then stopped dead in the middle of the room. Emma had stood up awkwardly, her hands clasped nervously in front of her.

Lily looked at Sapphire. "Is this why you wanted me to come?" Sapphire opened her mouth, but Lily didn't wait for an answer. "Well then, I'm going." She turned around and moved towards the door again.

"Lily, I'm – I'm sorry." Emma's soft voice sounded through the silent room. Lily stopped in her tracks, but did not turn back.

"What for?" she asked in a harsh voice.

There was a brief pause. Lily was quite sure the other two could hear her breathing; to her, it sounded unnaturally loud.

"For – for everything," Emma said at last. "I'm sorry I talked you into the whole Potion thing, and I'm sorry I made you come between Remus and me. I'm even more sorry that I made Sapphire choose between us, and I'm sorry that I let James get angry with you."

She stopped. Lily dropped her head, closed her eyes and sighed. Slowly, she pivoted round, and faced Emma again. Sapphire was standing to a side, her hands over her mouth.

Taking a deep breath, Emma looked Lily directly in the eye. "Most of all, I'm sorry that I fought with my best friend and wouldn't talk to her for two weeks over this."

Lily did not know what to say. She put her hands over her face, and for a few minutes, grappled with herself against the sob of relief that threatened to overcome her. Finally she was able to lower them and look at Emma.

"Emma." The word sounded strange in her mouth, after all this time that she had not used it. "I'm – I." She stopped and swallowed. "I'm sorry too." She forced herself to keep going. "I'm sorry I didn't say something when I should have."

Emma looked at her hopefully. "Friends?"

"Always."

Emma smiled shakily, and held out her hand. Ignoring it, Lily launched herself at her and they hugged tightly.

Sapphire burst into tears.

Lily and Emma broke apart. Lily looked at her in amazement. "There's nothing to cry about now, Saffy," she told her, bewildered. (A/N: Sound familiar? Like mother, like son!)

"You two are so stupid!" Sapphire half-shouted, tears falling down her cheeks.

"Oh come here," Emma said, and the three of them locked each other into a tight hug.

-&-

Three hours later, Emma, Lily and Sapphire were still lying on their beds, catching up in the way that only girls can do. Lily had filled the other two in on her brief interlude with the Marauders, and Emma had admitted that although she had been feeling guilty for several days, it had taken the scene between Lily and James that she had witnessed to act as a catalyst and force her to face her. Having filled Sapphire in on the brief details of that night, they left the topic behind, as Lily did not want to dwell on it. She could not manage to hide, nor the others fail to notice, her trembling lip, and the way she blinked several times to keep the tears at bay.

Later that evening, Lily was studying in the Library (it now seemed like heaven to work with friends). "Done!" she announced jubilantly, pushing her Charms essay to a side.

"Yippee," Sapphire said sourly. "I still have six inches to do on this."

"Well, I might as well start Transfiguration, seeing as I'm in study mode." She bent down to search through her bag, and emerged a few moments later, looking flustered.

"Have either of you got my Transfiguration textbook?"

The other two shook their heads.

"Damn," Lily moaned. "It must be in the dorm. I'll have to go get it."

"Just find one in here," Emma said lazily, chewing her quill. "They're all the same."

"Yeah, but I took extra notes to help me, 'cause I'm doing so badly, and they're in my textbook. I need the help here!"

"So go get it," Sapphire mumbled, flipping back and forth in her Charms textbook.

"Be right back," Lily said. She slid off her seat and made her way up to Gryffindor Tower. Climbing through the portrait hole, she was about to mount the stairs, when she heard voices.

"Yeah, the alarm is the only thing stopping you from going up to the girls' dorms, isn't it? I mean, there's nothing to catch you once you're in…"

Lily turned, ready to give whatever boy it was a piece of her mind. Her eyes lighted on none other than James and Sirius, talking intently, their heads together. As if feeling her look, James' head swivelled, and his cold glance grazed her face. The next moment, he was looking back at Sirius. There could be no doubt that he had been the one talking.

Feeling very small, Lily continued up the stairs. She opened the door to her dorm, walked in, and began to search through the piles off books in her trunk. Having found the one she needed, Lily stood up and cast a cursory glance over her area before turning to go.

She never made it to the door.

Two steps away, she suddenly registered what it was that she had seen. She spun round again, and froze.

There, lying on top of her pillow, was a pink lily.

It looked innocent enough, but Lily could not help eyeing it suspiciously as she approached her bed again. Was this some kind of a prank? She could think of no one in the female population of Gryffindor who was around the level of the Marauders.

Throwing caution to the winds, she picked it up carefully between finger and thumb.

So far so good. It hadn't exploded in her face.

She turned it, admiring the delicate beauty held in the fragile pink petals. She had no way of telling how long it had been here, but it looked freshly picked. A frown creased her brow again. Who was it from?

She turned to sit down on the bed once again, and it was then that her eyes caught sight of the snow-white card lying camouflaged on the pillow. Laying the flower aside, she picked it up and opened it. Inside was a short message, written in block capitals.

DO YOU LIKE THE LILY? IT'S BEAUTIFUL, ISN'T IT? JUST LIKE YOU.

Lily stared at it. Who on earth would write this? She studied the handwriting on the card. The letters were so uniform that it would be impossible to compare with anybody's normal handwriting, yet there was an undeniably masculine quality about it. And was that . . . She brought the card to her nose and sniffed. There was a very faint scent of cologne still hanging about the card. Boys. What boy would break into the dorm just to leave a card and flower for her?

It was as though a light switch had suddenly been flipped on in her brain. Words replayed themselves in Lily's head.

"…the alarm is the only thing stopping you from going up to the girls' dorms, isn't it?…there's nothing to catch you once you're in…"

The words ran over and over like a broken record.

"…the alarm is the only thing stopping you from going up to the girls' dorms, isn't it?…there's nothing to catch you once you're in…"

"…nothing to catch you once you're in…"

Could it really have been James? Lily thought. But why is he making up when I'm the one who did something wrong? It was a sweet gesture, but would he really do it in this secretive way? It certainly sounded like it was him. But then again, not quite…he was very upfront most of the time; why hide about this?

Realising suddenly that she had been away far too long to have just got a textbook, Lily shoved the card under her pillow, away from Serena's prying eyes, hastily filled a glass with water for the flower, grabbed her book, and ran, debating how to put it to Emma and Sapphire.

Maybe I'll thank James tomorrow, she thought.

-&-

She was walking down the Charms corridor. Her footsteps echoed through the apparently empty passage, as torchlight flickered dimly on the walls. Eventually, she saw an open door and peered round it, wondering who would be there. Two shadowy figures moved on the opposite wall, and the sound of male laughter rang. Finally gathering the courage to look in, with her wand at the ready, she saw . . . Sirius and Remus, watching a rat on the floor as it chased its tail in a circle. "Hey guys," she tried to say, in relief. The words did not seem to reach them, however, but dissolve into the air instead. She tried again, only to be met with the same result, and for some reason, she could not manage to move past the doorway, and neither did Sirius or Remus notice her. Worried about what was going on, she gave up and walked on.

Rounding a corner, she came across Sapphire and Emma talking together, seated on a bench that she could not remember as being in the middle of the corridor.

" . . . I don't understand why he does it to me especially," Sapphire was saying. "It's not like I ever did anything to him."

"Who, Sirius?" Lily tried to say, but once again, the words seemed to disappear somewhere between her mouth and their ears. Angry now, she reached forward to tap Emma on the shoulder, but her hand went straight through her, and she found herself pulling her arm out of what seemed to be nothing but a shapeless grey mist. Frustrated and panicky, she had no choice but to continue forwards.

Suddenly Professor McGonagall loomed out of nowhere, looking furious. "Miss Evans! I am thoroughly displeased with you! I thought that the Head Girl would at least keep up an acceptable grade on NEWT Transfiguration! A 'D' is not acceptable! This merits punishment!"

"But I -" Lily began to protest, but she had no time. Her feet began to carry her forwards, faster and faster, until she gained so much momentum that she was sure she would crash if she stopped. Against her will, she ran down a twisting corridor that did not seem to have any end. On and on she ran, gasping for breath, not knowing where she was going.

Finally she found herself slowing down, and ran through a doorway that seemed (like many other things) to have come from nowhere.

She had entered a stone classroom, set out as if in the middle of a lesson, with books and parchment strewn all over the desks. Several chairs were knocked over, and desks were out of place, as if the people in it had been desperate in their hurry to get out. Lily backed away nervously, wondering what horror had terrified them, whether it was coming for her as well, and where it would come from if it did. She swiveled round and breathed in sharply – in front of the teacher's desk was a . . . vortex? Glowing green, it looked eerie, but suddenly Lily let out a gasp of horror and rushed over. "James!" she cried frantically.

"Help, Lily!" he groaned, his eyes shut as he fought to stay up, his arms flailing wildly to keep him up in what appeared to be green light.

"Grab my hand!" Lily yelled. She threw herself full length on the floor and stretched a hand in to reach him – but it wasn't quite enough. "Come on!" she grunted furiously, and she stretched even further, praying she would make it.

For one long moment, she watched, her face contorted with effort, as James opened his eyes briefly and the pure terror shone through.

Just a bit further.

The vortex was pulling at her now too; her other arm was curled tightly around the leg of the teacher's desk. "Damn it!" she growled, and she moved herself even further to reach down, down into the emerald green depths. Finally, she felt the slightest brush of skin, and a moment later, James' fingers clasped round her own. A flash of green light blinded her.

White fog obscured all her senses, seeming to simply materialize out of thin air. Out of the mist came a man's voice, shouting, panicking – it was James' voice.

"Lily, take Harry and go! It's Him! Go! Run! I'll hold him off -"

What was going on? Who was Harry? And why did she seem to be in a house with James? Lily had no time to ponder these questions because all at once, the fog cleared abruptly into a small room, decorated and furnished as a child's nursery, complete with a rocking chair, blankets, a cot, and a Quidditch motif on the walls. Lily found herself standing in a corner, her gaze transfixed on a woman with long red hair backing against the wall.

All at once, Lily realized with a sudden jolt that the woman was her. An older version, certainly, but still the same person. She was attempting to shield a small bundle of . . . blankets? with her body, but was still trying to stand tall. Lily could not see the shadow in the doorway – she could not move her head – but the terror was clear on her older self.

The shadow advanced, and her older self clutched the blankets tighter still, tears running down her cheeks.

"Not Harry, not Harry, please not Harry!"

"Stand aside, you silly girl . . . stand aside, now . . ."

"Not Harry, please no, take me, kill me instead -"

With another sickening jolt, Lily realized that the bundle of blankets was actually a baby, wrapped tightly. Her older self was flat against the wall, the anguish clear on her face as she begged heartrendingly for mercy. The shadow was laughing now at the rivers of tears on her cheeks as she hugged the child to her chest unyieldingly, laughing a cruel, high-pitched laugh as it came forward, raising its wand, and in a moment of utmost horror and shock, Lily realized that he was going to murder them. "No!" she tried to cry, though she knew it would be no use; they could not hear her. She tried to move forward, desperately working against the invisible bonds that held her in place, tried to stop it, but there was another flash of green light, and cruel laughter –

-&-

Lily sat up, drenched in cold sweat. It took her a moment to recollect where she was. She looked around at the familiar dormitory, and let the calm silence, broken only by the soft, even breathing of four other girls, invade her ears, soothing her body. Wrapping her arms around her body, she hugged herself tightly, rocking back and forth on her bed. It had been so vivid. When she touched her skin, it felt ice-cold. The dream had completely unnerved her. But one resolve had come out of it. She knew now what she had to do.

-&-&-&-

A/N: Chapter 16 reposted…feel like leaving a review?