Disclaimer: Arakawa-sama owns Fullmetal Alchemist, not I!

To Be Strong

Ed basically told me he wanted to die, and he tore me apart by those words. I really started to believe he was going to, too; Leaving me and Al in this world alone. He was giving up on us, on his life! But now he was more then just any childhood friend, now I loved him. I had stopped trying to hide my feelings and shared them with him, just one person who I trusted and had already forgiven for giving me a new home on this side of the gate. Something I had not wished for. The word death began to hurt. As if it was a person, a monster who hated me. It would dive into my body through my mouth, and rap around my heart tightly. It was hard to breathe, as gose bumps appeared on my cold skin.

But if Ed were to die, the entire reason Alphonse and I decided to cross the gate would be gone in a flash. If Ed gave up everything he lived for, then what would I have left? What would I have left to live for? I couldn't tell Al what had had told me, I didn't want Alphonse to fall apart like I had. But it was hard to keep such a horrible truth a secret. It affected my daily actions, my mood, my voice, the way I slept. I could hardly sleep at night, as I listened to Ed's heavy breathing, wishing and hoping it wouldn't stop. I felt as though every time I closed my eyes his heart would secretly stop, just as I let my guard down. I wouldn't pass out for hours until I finally was too tired to keep my eyes open in the darkness. I began to wake even sooner then Al, only to jump up to Ed's bed and feel his heart. But it was always still beating, a strong, sturdy beat.

But still, I wouldn't trust it.

Ed wasn't the kind of person to suddenly get deathly ill, and never come out of it. As long as I knew him, he would always be willing to fight back against anything. He has always thought he could be the strongest, he could do anything if he really wanted to. But he wasn't trying at all this time. This was different, Ed was simply done. And that's what scared me the most.

Another horrible week past, Ed still as sick as ever. Al began to give me strange looks as I never seemed to speak anymore, as dark bags began to form under my eyes. And so it was late that Wednesday night as Al decided to cook dinner for the three of us. I sat on the floor that had used to be Ed's bed silently reading to my self. But I couldn't understand each word I had read, they weren't making sense. I had too much on my mind, and reading wasn't going to get me off the topic of death. Suddenly the next word printed on the page disappeared; My tear drop had fallen straight onto the paper, instantly smugging it. I couldn't make out what it had said, and it tore me apart. I exploded in tears, sobbing loudly as the book fell off my lap onto the floor. I wish I could be strong.

I felt Al's warm eyes rest on me, I knew he was looking at me as I fell apart. I couldn't help it, the room smelled like sickness and fever, it was dark and silent, only the steam from the cooking pot was audible now. My long hair had fallen out of the bun I had placed it in a few hours ago, and was hung over my shoulders; Some pieces sticking to my wet face. The black sweats I had been wearing were stuck to my legs from the moist air. Al's light foot steps crept over to me, as I turned away. There was nothing in this world that could heal the pain I felt. The only thing I regretted was that I had been making it worse for Alphonse by crying.

"Winry, what's wrong?" He sighed. He didn't touch me, he waited for me to speak. He was so strong for a 14 year old; How come he could be so strong when I could not? Even when I tried so hard, I would collapse. He knew I loved Ed, but I wasn't sure he knew we had confessed our felings to each other yet. He knew what the reason was for my tears, and he knew there was no way to help. And maybe that's why he got so mad.

I hadn't seen the anger begin to form in Al's eyes and I had no choice but to follow him after he grabbed my wrist hard, dragging me to Edward's bed. Ed was asleep, still in the same position I had left him last when I had placed a cold cloth on his forehead like I always had; But Al didn't care. He grabbed Ed's arm with his free one shaking him, as his grip around my wrist tightened. Ed awoke immediately, coughing a bit as he waited for the reason for Al's actions, yet still no expression at all. I couldn't look at Edward, so pale and sweetly. If I were to make contact with those yellow eyes, they would lock with mine, and I would have no choice but fall to my knees and sob. I took in a deep breath, waiting ten seconds before letting it back out, starring at my feet trying to hold back the sadness that was about to explode like an overfilled dam.

"Brother, your awake now, aren't you?" I couldn't remember the last time I had heard Al's voice so upset. But I couldn't help but think why, what I had told him to act like this? But it was nothing to cry about, it was my time to be strong. "Are you back to your old, grumpy self? Because I'm only going to say this once; What the hell as gotten into you?!" He screamed at his brother forming a sturdy fist, and nailing Ed right in the face. I gasped in shock as Ed's eyes showed emotion; The first time they had in two weeks. I couldn't read his expression, I just watched, my hand covering me mouth.

"Do you know what the hell you did to her?! Or yourself, you do know the entire reason your lieing here in her bed is because you gave up on yourself! You gave up on us, brother! Your kidding right, you told her that your ready to die?! She's tearing herself apart for you! We're broke now because you got fired from your job, and all you do is lie and around and sleep! What happened to you? What happened Ed...?" Al sighed, looking way from his brother as he relaxed his voice. I stood there horrified as Alphonse released my wrist. Why wouldn't you speak Ed? It was true now, his love was a lie.

I had no choice but to run, I turned away from everything, not looking back and ran out the door, through the hall way and jumped down the stairs. I ran so fast the tears pouring out of my eyes, dripped all the way back behind my ears. I reached the road, as the muggy, September air rushed through my skin. But I didn't look back, and I didn't know were I was going. But who would care anyway, my decision was final, and I wasn't turning around. But I wish I had. I wish I could have been strong.

xxx