The Truth Of The Heart
Summary: Lily Evans has always, ALWAYS hated James Potter. So when they become Head Boy and Girl, nothing could be worse. But could working with him change Lily's opinion? Has she been ignoring the truth in her heart all along?
Disclaimer: I don't own any of this….except a few minor characters, so please don't sue me, JKR, 'cause I have nothing you want….unless you're into human flesh (you're not, are you?)
A/N: Thank you guys all SO MUCH for your reviews – it's nice to know I haven't been forgotten! I would do review thank-yous, but if this fic gets taken down again for anything, it won't be going up again, so I won't risk it.
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Chapter 22: By The Lake
If Lily had been at breakfast that morning, she would have sat down in the place that Emma had saved for her, and observed the cheerfulness of her House table, all looking forward to a lazy Saturday morning, Marauders included.
She would have been too busy talking happily to Emma to take much notice of the arrival of the owl post, but eventually, she would have looked up to the flurry of feathers and her eyes would have fixed on James.
She would then have picked up on the snowy owl that had swooped down to him and held out its leg (simultaneously trying to dip its beak into his goblet and managing to knock it over, spilling pumpkin juice all over the sausage Sirius had been about to eat.)
She would have watched as he untied the letter and stroked the owl gently before allowing it to fly off.
As he read the words before him, Lily would have perceived his eyes, darkening to ebony, and his jaw, rigid with suppressed emotion.
She would have seen him look up briefly, to close his eyes and take a deep, shuddering breath, before crumpling the letter forcefully, hurling it from him with loathing, and then getting up to walk quickly out of the hall, his hands clenched at his sides to control the shaking.
She would have looked on in concern at Remus' and Sirius' identical expressions of alarm as they stared after him, until Sirius reached out to tentatively pick up the parchment and smooth it out.
She too would have stared at the expression of horror that spread over his handsome features as he read.
But she wasn't at breakfast.
So she didn't.
In fact, she woke up feeling relatively refreshed, after a peaceful sleep. She was the last one to wake, although it was a Saturday (no cause for waking early), and both her friends had left. She stretched, watching the way the cool November sunlight danced across the mirror, and felt ready to face the day.
That was, until she remembered the drama of the previous night.
Everything good about her day more or less went out of the window after that.
She wanted to crawl back under the covers and hide…which she did. After a moment of lying there, however, she had to face the facts. A few minutes of soul-searching and replaying the events made Lily see things in a clearer light. Perhaps she had been a little harsh on James. He had been annoying her, but when was he ever not annoying? For all that, he had, in reality, been trying to help her, in his own twisted way, and she had reacted defensively. So both of them had become stubborn and irritated, and things had gone a little too far. As for the last thing he had said, she chose to ignore that for the time being, preferring to stick instead to the parts that she could explain away with Muggle psychology. So surely, at least in the interests of Headship, it was up to her to be the bigger person and apologise for the way she had dug at him? They were both so obstinate that unless someone made the first move, they would never get anywhere.
Having settled all of this, (although she hoped she wasn't over-rationalising as much as it sounded like she was), she sat up again, just as the door burst open and Sapphire ran in. She flung herself on to her bed (messing up the neatly-made covers), buried her head in her pillow, and screamed.
Lily stared. "What on earth…" she began. Sapphire lifted her head.
"ALL I wanted was a quiet breakfast. Just a quick bite to eat before I hit the books. I even got up early, so I would be able to eat in peace. But no, apparently that's too much to ask, since I was hounded by not one, not two, but three idiots on the way down!" She punched her pillow violently, and Lily winced instinctively at the impact.
"What happened?" she asked, jumping as Sapphire laid into her pillow again.
"First off was Derek Balderwinde – he decided to wave mistletoe at me again. So I uh…I…erm…"
"Saffy, what did you do?" Lily demanded, slightly worried by the manic grin on her friend's face.
"I, uh, kneed him in a, uhm, sensitive place," Sapphire said. "Only lightly!" she protested, as Lily looked scandalised. "Well, maybe a bit more than lightly…ok, maybe a little harder than that…ok ok, it was hard!" She smirked unrepentantly. "He might have to go to Madam Pomfrey and re-evaluate his chances of becoming a father."
Lily sighed, deciding to let it pass. "Who else?" she asked, unsure whether she actually wanted to hear more or not.
"Let me see…" Sapphire considered. "Then Leon Wilkes came up to me in the Entrance Hall and asked if it was true that I was going out with Black, because if not, he wanted me to know that 'his love for me was undying.' So I slapped him." Sapphire grinned. "I'm getting rather good at this self-defence thing, aren't I?"
Lily shook her head. "You're impossible. Go on."
"So then I walked into the Great Hall, and I picked up a piece of toast, when someone goes, 'Is this place empty?' It was Keegan. I just said, 'It is now,' and got up and came here. And I'm not happy. I need food!"
Rolling her eyes, Lily stood up and started pulling out clothes. "Tell you what, I have some business to take care of, but since I'll be skipping breakfast too, wait for me in the common room, and we'll go down to the kitchens together. Okay?"
Sapphire nodded, and having extracted a promise from her friend that she would not physically harm any male for at least a few hours, Lily headed for the shower.
Once she was dressed and ready, with her cloak over her arm, just in case, she headed downstairs, wondering whether James would still be at breakfast, or would have gone off somewhere, and if so, how the hell she was to find him. Briefly, she thought of going to the boys' dorm and borrowing the Marauder's Map. She had found out about it last year, when she had accidentally walked in on the four boys putting the final touches to it. Against her better instincts, she had been sworn to secrecy about it, and knew only that it was some sort of magical map that showed people in Hogwarts, though she had a sneaking suspicion that it also provided aid in the acquirement of Butterbeer and sweets at times of celebration. Deciding not to bother, Lily reached the Portrait Hole just as it swung open to admit none other than Sirius.
"Hey Sirius," she said. "Have you seen James?"
Sirius focused on her, and it suddenly dawned on her that he was not looking remotely like his usual cheerful self – instead, his face was tired, but set, as though it were a mask.
"Weren't you at breakfast this morning?"
Lily shook her head, wondering inwardly what his cryptic manner was leading up to.
"So you don't know that…James' sister was – was killed?"
A bolt of shock shot through Lily like lightning. "Maddie?" she asked numbly.
Sirius shook his head too, looking almost annoyed with her. "No, no, James' other sister. Alyssa."
Lily lifted her hands to her mouth, feeling almost numb from horror. "Oh no."
"Oh yes."
I totally stamp all over the boy yesterday, and today his sister is killed. I am so going to bad-girl hell when I die.
Recollecting herself, she asked hesitantly, "Where is he?"
Sirius' cool grey eyes studied her face before he answered. "I don't know. When I caught up with him, he said he wanted to be alone, and then disappeared."
"The map?" Lily asked, feeling her heart sinking.
Sirius shrugged. "He's put some sort of charm on himself so that the Map doesn't show him. Last I saw of him, he was heading outside."
"Right," Lily said. Making her mind up, she began putting her cloak on with shaky, unco-operative fingers. "Thanks for the help, Sirius."
"Where're you going?"
"Library," Lily said automatically, disregarding the fact that she had no books, and that a cloak was hardly what one would wear in a library. She brushed past him and climbed out.
Sirius gave her a few minutes, and then, hands in pockets, walked to the window and looked out.
He smiled grimly.
Despite the fact that the green verdure of summer had changed to the golden hues of autumn, there was no mistaking the red-haired girl walking swiftly away from the castle.
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Lily tramped across the grass, pulling her cloak tight around her as the cold wind swirled about her, tugging both her hair and her clothes in every direction. Above her, clouds scudded across the overcast sky, and reddy-orange leaves spiraled down to rest on the dry, hard ground. She reached the edge of the lawns, and paused for a moment to debate where James would be. Quidditch pitch? The gardens? Driven by a gut instinct, she swivelled, and headed towards the lake, her footsteps crunching on the gravel walk.
And yes, there he was. A lone figure sitting huddled on a bench, messy black hair tossed by the same currents of air that rippled across the surface of the lake. He appeared to be looking out across the water, and from the back, his pose was both defiant and defeated. Lily continued to walk along the deserted path until she was only a few paces behind him. There she stopped, and waited.
There was a long silence.
Eventually, he spoke, words so quiet that Lily nearly missed them. "You can sit down, if you want."
Mutely accepting the invitation, Lily came forward and sat down beside him. She shivered as she came into contact with the cold wooden bench, and wrapped herself into her cloak even more.
"James, I'm – sorry."
There was no response, just the sound of the wind.
"Not just about your – your sister. About yesterday as well. I guess…we should talk about that later."
James gave a bark of a laugh. "S'ok. I've kind of got a better perspective on things now."
Lily twisted her hands in her lap, feeling the awkwardness of the situation all the more. "I – I didn't even know you had another sister. When Sirius told me, I thought he was talking about Maddie."
James shrugged, his eyes fixed on a non-existent point on the water. "I have another sister, Alyssa. She's twenty-one. Just came out of Auror training."
"Oh." Lily did not know what to say. "How did she…" She paused, trying to find the most delicate way of putting it.
"Die?" James smiled humourlessly. "She was a field operative. She raided a suspected Death-Eater rally point, and they came back unexpectedly. She threw herself in front of someone else to protect them and was murdered."
Lily was silent, trying to absorb all this new information. She had never really imagined James as a person with a big family, with sisters; he had always been so arrogant that she had imagined, until she found out about Madeleine, that he was an only child. But then again, James had changed, and that was equivalent to everything changing. She looked again at James, trying to see him with two girls, and saw how hard he was trying to keep his face emotionless and impassive. His entire body was tense with the effort.
"James?" she asked gently. "Wouldn't it be better to, you know, talk about it?"
Again, there was no response. The wind was the only one that whispered back, ruffling both their hair.
Minutes passed.
Lily, calming herself with the quiet of her surroundings, realised suddenly that James was clenching and unclenching his hands, though his face was still turned to the horizon. The silence was almost stifling, and Lily wondered why she had come down here in the first place, when surely Sirius or Remus would have been of more help. Still she kept quiet, giving him the space to talk.
Finally, he let out a long breath, slowly. "I should have known this was coming," he said, almost harshly.
Lily was startled out of her silence. "What?" she asked.
James swallowed, keeping his face turned away from her. "When – Alyssa – just like I babysat Maddie, she had to look after me – our parents were busy a lot. Before Maddie came along, she and I were – really close. I helped her dye her doll's hair hot pink, she taught me where to find the hidden chocolate supplies." He closed his eyes again briefly, and for a moment the mask broke, and he looked so lost and child-like that Lily felt an almost maternal instinct to take him in her arms.
But of course, with the standards she set, that would be unacceptable.
So she gave him nothing but a sympathetic silence.
"When I was old enough, she sneaked me and her broom out once a week and – taught me to play Q-Quidditch." His voice caught in his throat. But then, all at once, as Lily turned a compassionate eye one him, the mask was back up in place, and his face was blank once more. His words seemed to come out with more of an effort.
"The summer after she left Hogwarts, Ally had a big fight with Mum and Dad. Even after she chose her NEWTs, they were hoping she would become a Healer or something. When she wanted to sign for Auror t-training, they weren't too happy. Even though Dad's an Auror, he didn't want her to get into the – the same…situations that he sometimes…ended up in. So they told her that it was too dangerous for her, and that she should think of all the worry she would make Mum go through." James shrugged, in a would-be-careless manner. "Ally did it anyway. Four years of Auror training. She l-loved it." His voice was low; so quiet that Lily could barely hear the words he spoke before the restless wind stole them away and threw them into the sky. "She loved the friends, the hours, the food…everything. She finished last summer." James breathed out, a long, held-in breath. "There was another big fight over the holidays. Mum said it wasn't too late, that she could still start something else, like Healing. Ally said she wasn't going to throw her four years away. So then Dad offered to get her a desk job…but she wouldn't listen. She was always stubborn." The ghost of what should have been a smile flitted over his face. "She signed up and was cast as a field operative." For the first time, his carefully and rigidly controlled voice began to shake slightly.
"The day before she sent off the acceptance letter, she took me aside, and told me that – that there was a…risk that she could die." James' impassive face wavered a little more. "In fact, she said she probably would. They were so short of Aurors that they were sending anyone to do anything, left, right and center. So she…said she was telling me now, because Maddie was too young, and Mum and Dad would freak. He doesn't deal with the new operatives – he's in a different area. If anything – if anything did happen to her, I should know that she loved us – all of us, and she hoped I would make a good eldest child, to take her place." His voice broke, and he looked even further away from Lily. "I've know this could happen since July. I shouldn't be doing this now."
"Yes you should," Lily said quietly. "James, it's perfectly alright to grieve for your sister."
James did not reply, and Lily could see that he was still fighting to maintain that infuriatingly impassive expression.
"Look at it a different way, James," she said. "Your sister loved you, and for the time that you were together, you were close. My sister wouldn't care if I was dead or alive."
For the first time, James angled his head back towards her. Although not looking directly into her face, at least it now seemed like some of her words had sunken in.
"Why?" he asked. "I thought you said she taught you when you were little."
Lily laughed bitterly. "Oh, Petunia and I were really close when we were young." She paused. "You see, my mother died when I was five, so Petunia was the one who helped me and played with me. A few years later, my father met another woman, and we got a stepmother. Annabel." Lily shuddered. "Even though Petunia and I had the odd disagreement, we banded together against Her. She had this thing about children being seen and not heard – maybe she felt that we took away time from Dad that she wanted. Dad was still the same loving person he always has been, but Annabel was so controlling – in a bad way, that my father never realised what she was doing to us." Lily's lower lip trembled for a moment. "She used to mock me for being 'Daddy's little girl'. So I stopped running to Dad for help, and I ran for Petunia instead." Calming herself, Lily smiled ruefully. "That is, until I got my Hogwarts letter. Dad wanted what was best for me, and Annabel was only too happy to see the back of me, but Petunia thought I was abandoning her to Annabel on her own, and gave me an ultimatum – my sister, or magic." She shrugged. "I picked magic; I lost my sister. Now, if she talks to me at all, it's always laced with a few insults."
She looked out onto the opposite side of the lake for a few moments in quiet reflection, and then came back to earth with a bump.
"Value what you had with your sister, James," she mumbled, almost inaudibly. "It was special. Not all relationships are like that."
Again, there was another long silence, in which neither person could quite manage to look at the other.
When James spoke, his voice trembled even more.
"I'm – going to…miss her."
Looking at him, Lily saw his face, screwed up as if with pain. And finally, she understood what it was that he had been fighting against all along.
Himself.
"James," she said gently, reaching out to turn his face towards hers. "It's okay to cry."
James shook his head and resumed his gaze out into the distance. "I – I have to stay…" he said tightly, in a choked voice. "For – for Mum. And Dad. And M-Maddie."
Lily felt her own throat close up. She sighed. "James," she said softly. "You are strong. You're strong and you're so stubborn – in a good way – that I know you'll get through anything. You're persistent, and you'll keep going." Following a natural instinct, she gave in to the impulse and rested her head on his shoulder, feeling the soft fabric of his expensive cloak beneath her cheek. "What else would have kept you asking me out since third year?" She laughed serenely. "That's quite a feat, since we both know I wasn't the nicest person to you." She sighed again. "Don't kid yourself, James. You're the strongest friend I have."
There was a pause. After a while, Lily felt a sudden warm weight, and she realised that it was James, lying his own head on hers. They stayed like that, two figures in a bleak and lonely world, and Lily drifted off into a peaceful daze. She remembered where she was when a drop of wetness fell onto her lips, and darted her tongue out, only to realise that it was salty.
He was crying.
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A/N: What can I say except to once again apologise profusely for my extreme slowness in updating? When I say sixth form's a btch, I am NOT joking – I don't seem to have any time any more for ANYTHING other than work, and I only ever seem to make it onto the net for like, five minutes at a time, which is not long enough to update L Anyway, please be nice and click the Review button below, so that you can make my day that little bit brighter :pouts: please?