"Off with his head!"
The door to the palace throne room was kicked open, and a beautiful, red-haired woman stormed in. She was dressed all in red, and wore a huge red gown decorated with hearts, her skirts swishing around her as she marched toward her throne.
"Your majesty, it was an honest mistake…" began the old man hurrying after her, holding a puppet in his arms.
"Painting my roses was not an honest mistake!" shrieked the woman, rounding on him. "And I'll thank you not to plead for clemency for murderer of my babies!"
"Yeah, you heard her, you dummy!" snapped the puppet, in a completely different voice. "Let me handle this, and you zip it, or it'll be off with your head next, capiche?"
"Yes, Mr. Scarface," muttered the old man, his Ventriloquist. "I'm sorry, your majesty, please forgive me. Mr. Nygma does indeed deserve death for painting your roses red. I think he just thought it would please you…"
"Please me?" repeated the woman, her green eyes flashing fire. "He thought it would please me, Poison Ivy, the Queen of Hearts, to cover my precious, beautiful babies in red paint and suffocate them horribly to death?! He's either stupid or mad, and either way he deserves to die! So off with his head!"
"That's rather harsh, your majesty – after all, we're all mad here…" began the Ventriloquist.
"I said button your yap, dummy!" interrupted the puppet. "Gabbing on is a great way to go from royal advisor to headless corpse quicker than you can say Lewis Carroll!"
"Yes, Mr. Scarface," murmured the Ventriloquist. "I'll let you give her the news about the Monster then."
"What news?" demanded the Queen of Hearts.
"Great, stick me with the fun job," muttered Scarface. "Just 'cause cutting off my head won't have any effect on me…"
"She likes you," insisted the Ventriloquist. "You're made out of a tree, and she loves trees…"
"What news?!" shrieked the Queen of Hearts, grabbing Scarface and flinging him across the room.
"Um…the…the news…your majesty…is that…the…the Monster," stammered the Ventriloquist. "The Monster…has attacked Chessboard Land. There were…no survivors. The rumor is…it was seen…heading in the direction of your queendom."
The Queen of Hearts said nothing, but clutched her scepter with a heart on its tip so hard that the Ventriloquist heard it cracking. "We are running out of time," she muttered. "I will not have it destroy everything I have worked so hard to build in Wonderland. It must be slain, and fast."
At that moment, the door to the throne room was thrown open, and a two-faced man stormed in, dressed in a red, playing card uniform with hearts on it. The Queen of Hearts stood up to greet him.
"My Knave, what news?" she asked.
The Knave of Hearts, otherwise known as Two-Face, smiled. "We found him," he muttered.
"Found him?" repeated the Queen of Hearts, beaming. "Have you brought him?"
"Of course, your majesty," said the Knave of Hearts, snapping his fingers. Two playing card guards escorted a man into the room between them.
"Oh, my faithful Knave, I knew you wouldn't fail me," purred the Queen of Hearts, approaching him and sliding her fingers down the bad half of his face. She planted a tender kiss on the good half, and then headed toward the man who stood in between the guards. The Queen pushed his top hat back, revealing his face, and smiled.
"Hello, Jervis," she murmured. "Or do you prefer the Mad Hatter?"
"A Mad Hatter in a mad world is sane," murmured the Mad Hatter. "So yes, I do prefer that."
"Speaking in nonsense, as usual," said the Queen, smiling. "That's good – I need your particular brand of nonsense to help me."
"And once I've served that purpose, it's off with his head, I expect," said the Mad Hatter.
"If you don't want your head removed right now, I suggest you tell me what I want to know," growled the Queen, her smile suddenly dropping. "You know how to defeat the Monster. Tell me."
The Mad Hatter smiled. "It cannot be defeated by any citizen of Wonderland," he murmured. "Only Alice. She is the only one with the power to defeat it, as was foretold in the ancient prophecies of Wonderland: Try as they might, try as they may, the Monster no lunatic can slay. Woman and child, animal and man, no being can free Wonderland. Until the Frabjous Day arrives, and Alice comes to save our lives; the only one with the power to stay the Monster from its wicked way."
"Where is this Alice?" demanded the Queen of Hearts. "How can I find her?"
"She lives in the world above," replied the Mad Hatter, nodding upwards. "A long, long way from Wonderland – a rabbit hole's distance, at least. She has long, blonde hair, and an otherworldly, far-away look in her large, blue eyes. You should send a rabbit to bring her."
"I'm not really a fan of rabbits, Jervis," retorted the Queen of Hearts. "Nor of any animal, really. Nasty, horrible things that dig up and consume my precious babies. If I see any animal in my queendom, I behead them."
"The same thing you do to men, then," retorted the Mad Hatter.
"Yes, exactly," agreed the Queen of Hearts, with a smile. "I either kill them, or make them serve me. There's nothing I enjoy more than subjugating a man to my will," she murmured, sliding a long, red fingernail down the Knave of Hearts's face again. "So strong, so dominant, and so satisfying to break."
She kissed him again, deeply, and then turned back to the Mad Hatter. "But frankly, Jervis, you're not worth that," she retorted. "Take him to the dungeons – I need him alive for now, so that he can identify this Alice for me after I lure her here. There has to be a better way to do that than by using some dumb rabbit."
"I do believe that's the tried and tested method," said the Mad Hatter. "After all, you don't want to make a mistake and get the wrong Alice, or your kingdom is doomed."
"My queendom will survive whatever happens!" snapped the Queen of Hearts. "This Monster will not destroy it! Nothing can! I will reign over Wonderland forever, and neither the Monster, nor this Alice, can stop me! Take him away!"
The guards obeyed, dragging the Mad Hatter off. The Knave of Hearts took his customary seat at the Queen's feet, while the Ventriloquist went to pick up Scarface. "So…what do you want us to do, your majesty?" asked the Ventriloquist, slowly. "Should we…send one of your subjects to go collect this Alice from the world above?"
"No," murmured the Queen of Hearts with a cruel smile. "I've got a better idea."