"Joker, this has absolutely nothing to do with the Lewis Carroll story!" protested Jervis Tetch, breaking into the narrative.
"No, but it's awesome!" exclaimed J.J., excitedly. "I love the thought of Aunt Ivy being a queen who dominates everyone and who wants to keep her power at any cost!"
"Suits her, don't it?" agreed Joker, nodding. "When I had the premise of an angry, irrational queen who demands constant executions, there was really only one person I was gonna cast."
"I also object to our friends and associates being cast as characters," continued Tetch. "This story is pure fantasy – putting any form of realism into the narrative completely ruins it."
"Says the man who bases his real life completely on fantasy," retorted Joker. "Anyway, what are you complaining about? I've given you a big part. Spoiler alert: that's not the last we see of you. I coulda been a jerk and cut you outta the story completely, but I didn't. You should be thanking me."
"Thanking you?" repeated Tetch. "For mangling my favorite story?"
"Y'know, it's people like you who give fans a bad name," snapped Joker. "You treat the thing you love like some kinda religious cult with only one true version. You need to be more open-minded about different interpretations of your favorite story, Tetchy. Otherwise you'd be stuck with the same old narrative time after time, and where's the fun in that? It's like how they're always making new movies with us in them and interpreting our characters in different ways. Well, not you, obviously, because you're a lame villain, but there are tons of portrayals of me out there."
"Yes, and as I recall, you got so angry about your last portrayal that you stalked the actor who played you, caused him grievously bodily harm, and then drove him to suicide," retorted Tetch. "So I'd hardly call you open-minded."
"Look, that creep got what he asked for by playing me as a psychopathic, anarchist terrorist, and hitting on my dame," retorted Joker. "It was a personal thing."
"So is this story for me, being the Mad Hatter," said Tetch. "And I didn't stalk Johnny Depp and drive him to suicide, so frankly I'm the more tolerant one."
"Yeah, and I'll have to do the same with this new guy too," sighed Joker. "So many people to kill, so little time. This new imposter's got a 'damaged' tattoo on his forehead. You want damaged? I'll give you damaged, kid."
"Puddin', I've just got off the phone with Red, and she thinks I can't give into you like I always do," said Harley, storming in from the kitchen again. "She thinks it's demeaning for me to just let you get away with murder just because you kiss me. She says I need to assert myself more, so here I am doing that. I want you to put this story on hold and get into the kitchen right now!" she snapped, pointing.
"I'll do the dishes, Harley," volunteered Tetch. "Anything to get me out of listening to this insult to Carroll."
"You're staying right here," snapped Joker. "And so are you, pooh," he said to Harley. "I'm just getting to the part where you come in."
"Really?" asked Harley, curiously. She shook her head. "No, Red said to be assertive…"
"Don't listen to the Queen of Hearts, cupcake," interrupted Joker. "She's a tyrannical psychopath who's got poor Jervis locked up in jail."
"What's she locked him up in jail for?" asked Harley. She shook her head again. "No, wait, I don't want to know. If I start listening to the story, I'll want you to continue, and I don't want you to continue, I want you to do the dishes."
"Ok, pooh," sighed Joker, resignedly. "Then I guess you'll never hear all about how you save the day, and all of Wonderland from the Monster that's threatening to destroy it."
"What?" snapped Tetch. "I thought I said it was meant to be Alice!"
"It was," said Joker, nodding. "But it's partially your fault for not being more specific. All you said was blonde hair and blue eyes. Millions of people match that description. It's also partially the Queen of Hearts's fault for not being more thorough before she drags people down to Wonderland. But I can't tell you all about that – I gotta go do the dishes," he sighed, standing up.
Harley glared at him. "Sit down!" she snapped. "I wanna hear how I save Wonderland!"
"Is Alice even going to feature in this story?" demanded Tetch.
"Hey, no spoilers," retorted Joker as he sat back down and Harley settled herself onto his lap. "I'm not giving away anything about this story, so you'll just have to stay and listen, or stay in suspense. Your call, Hatty."
Tetch folded his arms across his chest. "Fine," he muttered. "But my expectations are not high."
"Well, neither are mine for this new Joker," agreed Joker. "Especially after the savaging this latest movie has got – holy crap, have you seen the reviews? That's what they get for going all grimdark, I suppose. If you ask me, all movies should be comedies, especially ones about guys in bat costumes fighting other guys in blue tights. But I'm gonna go support it, if only to annoy Lexy, who was infuriated about the way he was portrayed. Anything that gets on Lexy's nerves, I'm in favor of..."
"Story, Daddy!" cried Arleen.
"Right, went a little off track there," said Joker, nodding. "Sorry, princess. So anyway, up above Wonderland, in a town called Gotham, there lived this girl named Harleen Quinzel, but everyone called her Harley. She had blonde hair and blue eyes, and at this particular moment in time, she was attending a garden party and was feeling pretty bored. She didn't really know anybody at the party - it was being thrown by friends of her parents, and she didn't know anybody in their family, except for their daughter, Alice Pleasance. Harley and Alice went to college together, but they hung around in vastly different circles. As in, Alice had a circle of friends, and Harley didn't. She was a bit of a wallflower around people she didn't know, shy and keeping to herself, and after a quick, awkward greeting to Alice, she did her best to disappear from the crowd. She had just managed to escape into the garden, and stopped in front of a beautiful red rose bush."
Harley had never seen flowers like these before. There was something hypnotic and fascinating about them – whether it was their fragrant smell, or their unique red color, they seemed to beckon her to reach out and touch them, despite the thorns that surrounded the blossoms. She felt almost under a spell, and drew closer to the bush, powerless to disobey the gentle urging of a sweet, kind voice in the back of her mind to touch the flowers…
Her finger was inches from the petals when all of a sudden, the bush came to life, the thorny stems rising up like a snake and wrapping themselves around her. Harley tried to shriek as the thorns cut into her, but another stem wrapped around her mouth, silencing her. With a mighty jolt, the plant suddenly lifted her up and disappeared into the ground, dragging Harley after it.
She was dragged helplessly down, down, down, past all kinds of plant roots and ancient fossils and all that other stuff you find in the ground. At last, she landed with a thud, and felt the thorns unwrapping themselves and releasing her.
"Hello, Alice," said a voice.
Harley looked up to see a beautiful yet intimidating-looking red-haired woman, regally dressed, and smiling down at her. At her side was a man with half a face, dressed in a playing card outfit.
"Um…no," she stammered. "My name is Harleen Quinzel, but everyone calls me Harley…"
"Don't bother denying it, Alice – lies will get you nowhere but a jail cell, followed by a swift execution," interrupted the woman. "I am not here to mince words, and I do not have the time to play games. I need you to get to work defeating the Monster at once, before it's too late."
"Monster?" repeated Harley, who was beyond confused. "I'm sorry, I don't...understand what's going on. I'm not Alice, and I don't know about any monster. I don't even know where I am…"
"You are in Wonderland," retorted the woman. "I am the Queen of Hearts, ruler of this realm, and this is my faithful Knave of Hearts, who will be happy to escort you to the dungeons if you refuse to cooperate with me, Alice."
"I told you, my name is Harley," replied Harley. "I don't know any Alice except for Alice Pleasance, whose party I was at when I was attacked by a rose bush."
"She's lying, your majesty," hissed the Knave of Hearts. "She's just playing dumb - it's a trick so she can be released, and doesn't have to fight the Monster."
"She will not escape her fate so easily," retorted the Queen of Hearts. "Take her to the dungeons. We'll see if a couple hours there can't loosen her tongue, and refresh her memory. You will learn that the Queen of Hearts is not to be trifled with, Alice," she snapped, glaring at Harley. "If you choose to be difficult, it will be off with your head, prophecy or no prophecy. Take her away!" she commanded, striding off.
Harley was seized by the Knave of Hearts. "Hey, watch the thorn wounds!" she shouted, as the Knave dragged her down to the dungeons. He threw her into a cell, slamming and locking the door, and then hurried off back to the Queen.
"Alice, is that you?" whispered a voice from the cell next to her.
"No, and I'm getting really tired of being mistaken for this Alice already!" snapped Harley in annoyance, glancing into the neighboring cell. She saw a man in a top hat staring back at her hopefully. His face fell when he saw her clearly.
"You're…not Alice," he stammered.
"Thank you! That's what I've been trying to tell everyone!" exclaimed Harley. "You wanna go upstairs and explain that to that wacko Queen and Knave guy?"
"Oh no," murmured the man in the top hat. "Oh, no, no, no! She's brought the wrong Alice! We're all doomed!"
"Look, could somebody please tell me what the heck is going on?" demanded Harley. "Ever since I came to this place everybody has just been speaking a lotta gibberish!"
"Not gibberish, my dear, nonsense," corrected the man in the top hat. "That's all anyone speaks in Wonderland. We're all mad here, you know. I myself am the Mad Hatter, how do you do?" he asked, holding out his hand to her.
"Uh…hi," stammered Harley, shaking it. "So…why am I here? And what's everyone here so worked up about?"
"Simply put, the fate of this entire kingdom depends on a girl called Alice, a girl the Queen was meant to lure to Wonderland. Instead she brought you, ergo, we are doomed," finished the Mad Hatter.
"What's this Alice supposed to do?" asked Harley. "Maybe I can fill in somehow."
"She's meant to slay the Monster, the greatest threat to Wonderland there has ever been or ever will be," replied the Mad Hatter, in a hushed voice. "It is a horrible, merciless beast, a creature of such unrelenting evil who has destroyed whole kingdoms in its wake, and countless lives. It is so terrifying that we in Wonderland dare not speak its true name lest we bring the horror down on us, and refer to it only as the Monster."
"Sorta like Voldemort, huh?" asked Harley. "He-who-must-not-be-named? Or is this the wrong story for that?"
"I haven't the faintest idea what you're talking about, which is good," said the Mad Hatter. "It means you're starting to fit in to Wonderland already. But no, the Monster's name is not Voldemort."
"What is it?" asked Harley. "I mean, it's just a name, right? How scary can it be?"
The Mad Hatter looked nervous, but nodded slowly. "Its name…" he whispered, in hushed tones. "Is…the Jokerwocky."