"The what?" demanded Harley.
"He guards the entrance to the Dark Knight's lair," said the Scarecrow. "If we want to see the Dark Knight, we have to get past him."
"And nobody has ever got past the Man-Bat alive," said the Mad Hatter, nodding.
"Well, that's reassuring," muttered Harley, as they peered through the gaps in the trees to see a huge, craggy cavern in front of them, gaping like a set of open, toothless jaws. Suddenly, a giant creature landed in front of the entrance, and settled itself down in front of it.
Harley glared at the creature. "There's gotta be a way past it. This is Wonderland, right? Anything's possible."
"Nobody ever said that about Wonderland," retorted the Mad Hatter. "It is a place of nonsense, not necessarily a place of possibilities."
"Well, I sometimes believe as many as six impossible things before breakfast," said Harley. "And getting past this Man-Bat is gonna be one of them, or my name ain't Harleen Frances Quinzel."
"It's not here – it's the Wrong Alice," retorted the Cheshire Catwoman.
"Shut up," snapped Harley. "Does this Man-Bat speak English? Maybe we could just go up to him and explain the situation and he'll let us through."
"I suppose it's worth a try," said the Mad Hatter, nodding.
"Are you mad?" demanded the Scarecrow. "It sounds incredibly dangerous! Whoever decides to do it will almost certainly be killed!"
"Don't look at me," retorted the Cheshire Catwoman.
"It was Harley's suggestion," said the Mad Hatter.
"No, she can't go!" snapped the Scarecrow.
"Why not?" asked the Mad Hatter. "She's the Wrong Alice. She's technically expendable."
"She's not! She's unique and beautiful!" snapped the Scarecrow. "Selina, you go."
"Hey, I'm unique and beautiful too!" snapped Selina. "Make Jervis do it."
"I don't believe six impossible things before breakfast," said the Mad Hatter.
"Oh, I'll just do it!" snapped Harley, striding out of the woods before anyone could stop her. Man-Bat turned to look at her, its hideous face glaring and letting out a warning shriek.
"Can you…uh…understand me?" asked Harley, slowly.
"I understand you're trespassing," hissed Man-Bat. "Which means you will be torn apart."
"I'm trespassing for a good cause," said Harley. "See, I'm the Wrong Alice. Well, technically I'm not any Alice, my name's Harley, but I'm called the Wrong Alice because I was brought here by the Queen of Hearts but I'm not the Alice who's supposed to slay the Jokerwocky, so…"
"You speak nonsense," growled Man-Bat.
"Yeah, so does everyone here," retorted Harley. "I'm fitting in…"
"I don't like nonsense," interrupted Man-Bat. "My master the Dark Knight and I, we wish to eradicate nonsense from Wonderland. Make it a place of grim darkness and brooding night."
"Wow, that doesn't sound very fun," said Harley, slowly. "I don't think that would be a great place to live. I know I wouldn't like to live anywhere that wasn't fun."
"We will eradicate fun," hissed Man-Bat. "Fun leads to disorder and chaos. There will be only order and justice in our New Wonderland. The Dark Knight will make it so once he slays the Queen of Hearts, and the Jokerwocky."
"Oh…you're not afraid to say its name?" asked Harley.
"There is also no place for ridiculous superstition in New Wonderland," retorted Man-Bat. "The Jokerwocky is nothing to be afraid of – he has no power, and he never will. Only the foolish and cowardly would be afraid of him. My master the Dark Knight is not. And he does not have time to be bothered by trespassers. So I'll just take care of you for him," he muttered, advancing on her and spreading his giant wings with razor sharp claws at the ends. He hissed, baring all of his sharp, white teeth as Harley turned and ran at full speed back toward the safety of the trees. Man-Bat followed her, flapping its wings and gaining on her. He flew over her and prepared to pounce…
When she heard an explosive sound, and saw Man-Bat's wing with a hole blown through it. Man-Bat howled in pain, whirling around. "You!" he snarled.
He was cut off by another cry of pain as another explosion rang out. "Run!" shouted a figure standing on top of the Batcave, and pointing a device at Man-Bat. "I'll take care of this!"
Harley didn't need to be told twice – she pelted toward the trees, hearing Man-Bat roaring in rage and turning to attack the figure. Harley watched between the branches as something fired from the device, exploded upon impact, and took off Man-Bat's head. It fell to the ground, dead.
The figure hopped down from the top of the Batcave, chuckling. "Talk about off with his head, huh?" he laughed. "Eat your heart out, your majesty!"
The figure whistled happily as it pulled a knife from his belt and cut the letter J into the body. Then he dragged the body toward the cave entrance, and shoved it inside. "Hey Bats, got a present for you!" it called inside. "Special delivery, and DOA!"
The figure cackled, throwing off its hood to reveal a clown face, bleached white with bright red lips and green eyes. It replaced the device it had used to kill Man-Bat on its belt, and then called into the woods, "It's ok – you can come out now."
"That…that was amazing, thank you," stammered Harley, emerging from the forest with the others and staring at the clown in fascination.
"What was that thing you used to kill it?" asked the Mad Hatter.
"It's called a gun," retorted the clown. "They don't seem to have these here, but superior firepower gives you a heckuva advantage, let me tell you."
"Well…I'm really glad you were there," said Harley.
"Yeah, me too," agreed the clown, nodding. "Been wanting to eliminate the Dark Knight's guard-bat for a long time now, but I knew I only had a chance if I could catch him off guard. Thanks for providing the distraction."
"No problem," said Harley, slowly. "Um…I'm Harley, this is Jervis, Johnny, and Selina," she said, gesturing to her companions in turn.
"Hi, I'm the Jokerwocky," said the clown, nodding at them.
They all stared at him for a moment, and then everyone except Harley leapt back in terror. "You're the Jokerwocky?!" exclaimed the Scarecrow. "But…but that's not possible! It's a monster!"
"Been called a lotta things in my time," agreed the clown, nodding. "Monster among them. You were probably expecting some kinda dragon thing, huh? Not surprised – you get misunderstandings like that when you use vague words like monster."
"But…but you're just a man!" exclaimed the Scarecrow.
"Just a man who killed the Man-Bat," snapped the Jokerwocky, nodding. "And a whole buncha other creatures in this insane asylum too. I think that's pretty impressive, and frankly, it's no worse than what your Queen does. But for some reason, I'm the bad guy here."
"You're trying to take over Wonderland!" exclaimed the Mad Hatter.
"Who told you that?" asked the Jokerwocky.
"The Queen of Hearts made a proclamation…" began the Mad Hatter.
"Of course she's responsible for the misunderstanding," sighed the Jokerwocky, rolling his eyes. "I don't want to take over Wonderland - you couldn't pay me to run this joint. I'm just trying to get that stupid Queen of yours to concede to my demands. Namely, getting outta this nonsensical hellhole and back to where I came from."
"Where did you come from?" asked Harley.
"A place way above here," said the Jokerwocky, nodding upward. "Called Gotham."
"Really? Me too!" said Harley. "I'm also trying to get back there – the Queen dragged me down here by mistake because she thought I was Alice."
"Who's Alice?" asked the Jokerwocky.
"The one who has been prophesied to destroy you," retorted the Mad Hatter.
"Prophesied by who?" demanded the Jokerwocky.
"…the ancient prophets of Wonderland," said the Mad Hatter, slowly.
"Really? They could see that far in the future to determine every little detail of what's gonna happen? They could see that the Queen of Hearts was gonna come to power, and drag randomers down to this place who would be so angry at that that they'd start killing people until the Queen sent 'em back to where they came from?" demanded the Jokerwocky. "That's a lotta variables they took into account for a time when they'd be long dead. You'd think they'd have had better things to do with their time, like pick the winning lottery numbers."
"The ways of the ancients of Wonderland are sacred and mysterious, and not to be questioned," snapped the Mad Hatter.
"Sounds like a lotta crap, just like everything in this nuthouse," snapped the Jokerwocky. "Y'know, I'm a guy who generally embraces crazy, but this isn't fun crazy. It's crazy for nerds who like poetry and dancing and tea parties."
"It's so refreshing to find somebody else who feels out of place here," said Harley, beaming in relief. "We're on the run from the Queen and Knave, and we were hoping the Dark Knight might be able to send me back to Gotham, but he probably wouldn't want to help you after you killed his pet…"
"He ain't exactly a helpful kinda guy," said the Jokerwocky, nodding. "Plus he doesn't have the power to do that. Believe me, I've fought him lots of times. He's nothing but a man either, but he uses his secrecy to convince people that he's supernatural and magic. It's just cheap psychological showboating from a cowardly charlatan."
He spat on the Man-Bat's body in the cave. "If you're serious about getting back to Gotham, there's only one way," he continued, turning back to Harley. "We've gotta capture the Queen of Hearts and make her do it."
"But that would involve an assault on her palace!" said the Cheshire Catwoman. "She's surrounded by hundreds of guards, plus the Knave! We'd be completely outnumbered, and killed instantly!"
The Jokerwocky shook his head. "If the Dark Knight can use cheap tricks, so can we," he said. "Sometimes it's not about quantity of allies, but quality, and sometimes it's not about the direct approach, but a little theatricality. But fine, if you don't wanna help me take her down, I'll just do it myself," he said, turning and stalking back toward the woods.
"No, wait!" cried Harley, racing after him. "What did you have in mind?"
He shook his head. "Not here. Follow me back to my hideout, and we'll talk."
Harley nodded, and looked toward the others, who hung back. "Well, c'mon," she said.
"Harley, let's think about this for a moment," said the Scarecrow, slowly. "He's the Jokerwocky. Why would we trust a monster?"
"Because you don't have any choice," snapped the Jokerwocky. "You know I'm not gonna kill you, not yet anyway. But you don't know that about the Dark Knight. You can trust me, or you can head in there to your deaths," he said, nodding at the Batcave. "You all may be crazy, but you ain't dumb. So just follow me."
They obeyed reluctantly. "Um…what should I call you?" asked Harley, keeping pace with the Jokerwocky. "I mean, Jokerwocky's quite a mouthful…"
"Call me J," he said.
"J," she repeated. "What part of Gotham are you from?"
"Look, sweetheart, I ain't one for a lotta chit chat," he retorted, glancing around the trees. "Plus enemies are lurking everywhere here, and every tree could be a spy for the Queen. Just shut up until we're safe at my hideout."
"He's charming," said the Cheshire Catwoman, sarcastically. "No wonder he's known as a monster."
"Yes, it's a very apt description," agreed the Scarecrow, nodding. "Wouldn't you agree, Harley?"
"Uh…sure," said Harley, staring after the Jokerwocky. "Monster, right."
But for a monster, she thought, following him deeper into the forest, he was pretty cute.