"In conclusion, your majesty, should the Monster decide to attack, we have approximately a 0.293 percent chance of surviving the assault. Rounded to the nearest thousandth percentile."
The Queen of Hearts glared at the man dressed in a green question mark outfit in front of her, and then turned to her Ventriloquist advisor. "Really? You talked me outta cutting off his head for this?" she demanded. "Well, I'm not making the same mistake twice. Off with his head!" she snapped, gesturing at the man.
"I really don't think I deserve to be executed just for speaking the truth!" exclaimed Edward Nygma, the Riddler, as the playing card guards came forward to drag him off.
"Well, I'm queen, and you're not," retorted the Queen of Hearts, shrugging. "So the only thing that matters is what I think. And I think you deserve to lose your head. So off with it," she repeated, motioning for the guards to take him away.
It was at that moment that the door to the throne room was thrown open, and a man strode in, dragging the Knave of Hearts behind him, tied and beaten. The man threw the Knave at the Queen's feet, and she looked up in astonishment at the man who had brought him. He was a huge, hulking figure, dressed in black armor, his face covered by a bat-shaped helmet.
"How dare you?" demanded the Queen of Hearts, her surprise turning to fury. "How dare you storm into my palace and treat my Knave so harshly…"
"I don't have time for a lotta pleasantries, your majesty," interrupted the armored man, in a deep voice. "Your Knave was in my territory – you're lucky he's still alive."
"I was hunting the fugitives, your majesty – they escaped from me into the Dark Knight's territory," snapped the Knave of Hearts, nodding at the armored man.
"And were picked up by the Jokerwocky," growled the Dark Knight. "Who killed my servant."
The Queen of Hearts stood up. "You mean…the Monster has Alice?" she demanded, furiously. "But he'll kill her! She's the only person capable of destroying him!"
"Not the only person," retorted the Dark Knight. "I don't believe in these so-called prophecies of Wonderland. The Jokerwocky is nothing but a man, and a man can be killed by anyone with enough strength and power. And that's where you come in, your majesty."
The Queen glared at him, folding her arms across her chest. "I'm listening," she said.
"We both want the Jokerwocky dead," said the Dark Knight. "I've been trying to defeat him for a long time, to no avail. And so have you. Our philosophies might be different, as are our goals for Wonderland, but neither of us want to see it fall into the hands of the Jokerwocky, who will bring chaos and madness untold into an already chaotic and mad land. And the enemy of my enemy is my friend. I propose we join forces, unite to save Wonderland from this monster, and once he's dead, resume our mutually antagonistic relationship."
The Queen of Hearts nodded slowly. "That seems…satisfactory," she said. "But perhaps our relationship doesn't need to end antagonistically, the more we get to know each other," she added with a smile, as she came over to him. "After all, any man who could beat up my Knave has to be…quite a man."
She studied the Dark Knight's impressive build, and then adjusted the bodice on her dress. "Do you like what you see?" she asked.
"I would like to discuss the destruction of the Jokerwocky with you," growled the Dark Knight. "We should make the first move and attack him if we can."
"Of course, we'll talk over tea," said the Queen of Hearts, snapping her fingers. "Scarface, bring us some tea!" she snapped. "And off with his head, I said!" she shouted at Nygma.
She resumed her charming smile at the Dark Knight, taking his arm. "Follow me, my Dark Knight," she purred, leading him out to the gardens.
"Your majesty," said the Knave, who was glaring from her to the Dark Knight. "Let me go after the fugitives again and catch them for you. I won't fail you."
"You already did," retorted the Queen, with a sneer. "Anyway, you're in no fit state to go traipsing around Wonderland, thanks to my Dark Knight. If anyone's capable of slaying the Jokerwocky, it's him, not some pathetic girl. So you are relieved of your duties for the present. Why don't you go eat something to make yourself feel better – I'm sure there's some cake around here that can fix your broken nose. But there's no cake that will fix your missing head if you ever fail me again, understand?"
She wandered off with the Dark Knight on her arm. The Knave of Hearts gazed after them, gritting his teeth. "Let me get you some tea too, Harvey…" began the Ventriloquist.
"I don't want tea!" snarled the Knave, shoving him away. "I want that stupid knight to get his hands off my Queen!"
"Technically she's the one with hands on him…" began the dummy, until the Knave struck it a blow in the mouth that knocked its jaw off.
"Mr. Scarface, there's only so many times I can repair your jaw," sighed the Ventriloquist. "You really must stop speaking unwanted truths to people."
"I'll get her back," growled the Knave, storming off. "You just watch. I'll get rid of that goddamn knight and get her back."
…
"Joker, why on earth would you put Batman in this story?" demanded Jervis Tetch, breaking in on the narrative as he held Alice tightly, who had her face buried in his chest, shivering in terror. "You know how terribly he frightens my goddaughter, and for good reason!"
"Well, who else was gonna be the bad guy?" asked Joker.
"I thought Poison Ivy was," retorted Tetch. "The Queen of Hearts is traditionally the villain in adaptations of the Wonderland stories."
"Can't ever have too many villains, that's my motto!" chuckled Joker. "And DC's too, apparently – they got new ones cropping up all the time. None to rival my greatness, naturally, but still…"
"We don't like Batman either, Alice," said Arleen, gently. "But knowing Daddy, he'll make him suffer some horrible humiliation. He usually does in his stories."
"Frankly, I think being pawed by the Weed Lady is humiliation enough!" laughed Joker. "But don't you worry, princess, there will be lots more to come. Now c'mon, kid, you gotta man up," he said, nodding at Alice. "I don't wanna stop this story just because of your psychological trauma. Stop ruining it for everyone."
"Mr. J!" snapped Harley. "That's not how we talk to children! How would you feel if it was Leenie who was scared?"
"She wouldn't be, because she ain't a wuss," retorted Joker.
"How about a cookie, sweetie?" asked Harley, ignoring him and addressing Alice. "Would that make it all better?"
"No," murmured Alice. "But I would appreciate one, if you'd be so kind."
"C'mon, kid, you can't live your life being afraid of stuff," said Joker. "You'll turn out like that freak Johnny Crane. Anyway, Batman ain't scary, not once you get to know him, anyway."
"He's a lunatic who hurts people," whispered Alice.
"Well, so am I, and you ain't scared of me, are you?" asked Joker.
"Yes," retorted Alice.
"Well, you're smarter than you look, then," said Joker, as Harley returned from the kitchen with a cookie for Alice. "Where's my cookie?" he demanded of Harley.
"You can't eat and tell a story at the same time," retorted Harley, handing them out to the twins and Tetch, and taking one for herself. She seated herself back on Joker's lap, taking a bite out of the cookie and smiling at him.
"And…they defeated the Dark Knight and the Queen of Hearts and lived happily ever after," snapped Joker. "Now gimme the cookie."
"No, Daddy, finish the story properly!" snapped Arleen.
"I'll save mine for you, Daddy," said J.J. "But only if you finish the story the right way."
"And what do you know, that's the last cookie," said Harley, popping the remains of hers into her mouth. "So you'd better finish the story the right way, puddin'."
Joker glared at her. "Nobody blackmails the Joker!" he snapped. "But I do have a weak spot when it comes to cookies, so fine. And that's some good bargaining, J.J. – you remember that skill when you get to do your first professional blackmail," he said, nodding. "Promise 'em something they really want, and the best part is, you don't even have to give it to 'em at the end – you can just kill 'em, and then the joke will be on them! Except in this case, you actually do have to give me the cookie, or I won't be happy. Now where was I? Oh yes. The Queen of Hearts behaved like a tart, all on a summer's day. The Knave of Hearts obeyed the tart, and followed the prisoners away. The Dark Knight wants a Jokerwocky fight, and beat the Knave full sore. The Knave of Hearts wants back his tart, and vows he'll steal no more."
"Now who's reciting poetry like a freak?" muttered Tetch, cuddling Alice as she settled down to hear the rest of the story.