The Truth Of The Heart
Summary: Lily Evans has always, ALWAYS hated James Potter. So when they become Head Boy and Girl, nothing could be worse. But could working with him change Lily's opinion? Has she been ignoring the truth in her heart all along?
Disclaimer: I don't own any of this….except a few minor characters, so please don't sue me, JKR, 'cause I have nothing you want….unless you're into human flesh (you're not, are you?)
A/N: Thanks to ALL of you who reviewed, because you all rock my socks ENORMOUSLY!
-&-
Chapter 31: Awkwardly Unexpected MomentsFor the next hour or so, Lily debated over whether or not she would actually go to the Heads' Room at the time James had specified. Part – well, most of her was worrying that it was some kind of horrible joke – some form of retaliation as a follow-up to what had gone on before. She felt positively ill at the thought of going if she was only going to get into another fight, and yet she couldn't be easy unless she did go. Her mind tossed backward and forward; one moment she was resolved to go, the next determined not to, and then she was enraged against herself for being so ridiculous! She couldn't ask anyone for a second opinion – Emma had gone somewhere again, and though Sapphire was nearby, she was so distracted in her own thoughts that Lily very much doubted that she would get the reply she wanted.
Eight o'clock came and went, and it was close to a quarter past when Lily actually realised what time it was. Siding with instinct, she made a split-second decision and left the common room.
When she climbed in, she thought at first that James wasn't in the Heads' Room. It looked empty enough – it was a dim light, the roaring fire giving the room a red glow. None of the lamps were on, leaving most of the space in flickering shadow.
"You're late."
James' tall form unfolded from the floor – he must have been sitting beside the couch, where she could not have seen him. Lily bit her tongue, but, as usual, her automated James Hate System kicked in.
"Well that makes us even," she said sharply. "You were late yesterday, I was late today."
James looked away, and when he faced her again, his gaze was free from anger. "I'm…sorry – I just...didn't think you would come.'"
"Neither did I," she replied. There was a moment's pause, during which Lily wondered why on earth James was calling her here just so he could stare at the floor. "What did you want?" she asked finally.
"I want…" James hesitated, then took a step forward, squaring up to her. "Well, it's just – this is ridiculous. We're seventeen, we're Heads of the school, but we're jumping down each other's throats like we're eleven again. I just thought we could, you know, clear the air." He took another step forward, as if to prove his point. "So…here goes." He took a deep breath. "I'm sorry for what I said before, at lunch. I just got a bit – annoyed, and I sort of exaggerated the facts. It was – it was unreasonable of me to – say those things, and – and I hope you'll forgive me," he ended in a rush.
Lily half-smiled, in spite of herself, at his tentative look. "Okay. I'm sorry if I provoked you…and for my part in our arguments."
James shoved his hands in his pockets. "So…truce?"
"Truce," Lily agreed, clasping her own hands. She felt uncomfortably warm as he watched her, and swallowed. The half-light coming from the fire lit only one side of his tall figure, and she found herself thinking of things that she knew she REALLY shouldn't have been thinking of.
James let out a breath. "Well, at least it's over," he said quietly. "It's horrible fighting with you, you know that?"
"Same," Lily returned. "It's like I can't be in a good mood if I'm busy glaring at you."
"You?" James laughed, and Lily cursed herself for thinking that it was a nice sound to hear, after all the hours of harsh tones. "Clearly you missed all my dirty looks."
"Well I thought you liked annoying me. You did it so naturally over the last six years." Lily smiled as he raised his eyebrows and then grinned.
"It was fun to see you get worked up," he said, his glasses glinting with silent laughter. That look faded as he took another step forward and his voice lowered. His eyes were overpowering her now, and she was unable to move or speak. Her cheeks burned, and she could only focus on his neck, and how smooth it looked. "You were so passionate when you yelled – you were beautiful."
His voice was almost a whisper. "You still are."
Somehow, the gap between them had closed entirely, and James leaned down. The next moment, his lips were unexpectedly on hers, and he was – he was kissing her.
For a moment, she felt completely powerless in his warm arms; as if someone had simultaneously allowed the bottom of her stomach to drop out and taken her breath straight out of her lungs – it was the airy, light-headed feeling she associated with that of being drunk. And yet, at the same time, an overwhelming sense of peace and security enveloped her like a blanket. This is how it's meant to be, a tiny, deep-buried part of her whispered. This is how it should be.
Then, almost instinctively, her body began to respond, starting with an entire Guy-Fawkes-Day-meets-Fourth-of-July explosion of fireworks somewhere in her abdomen. Part of her seemed to drift up and leave the rest of her; a part that watched cynically as one hand trailed round his back and reached into his hair to press him closer as she relaxed into his chest. This is how it should be, the cynical voice said silently, but is this how it is going to be?
His heart was beating erratically; she could feel it through their clothes, and tingles of shock ran through her veins as his hand dropped to rest lightly on her waist and the other held her arm in a comfortably tight grip. That was all she remembered as she melted against him – his lips were so warm, and sugary. Being this near to him was intoxicating; the musky, undeniably James-like smell of his cologne was pervading her consciousness and all her thoughts – the last time she'd been close enough to do this had been when he had lost his temper so ferociously after discovering the Polyjuice incident, but this was infinitely nicer.
Her fingers threaded through his hair, soft and silky, and she let out a small sound as his lips caressed hers. James was such a good –
Wait a minute. James????
Her eyes flew open and she wrenched herself out of his arms. He took a step backwards too, and she could see that the realisation had just hit him as well. An identical flush rose up on both their cheeks, as they stared at each other, wide-eyed.
Oh God, Lily thought, her heart pounding like there was no tomorrow. I just kissed James Potter.
There was only one option in times like this.
Run.
And so she did. Hastily, she backed off and muttered a quick "Bye" before climbing out and walking – half-running – as fast as she could, towards the safety of her own bed.
-&-
Next morning, Lily was the first to get up. She brushed her teeth, and got dressed, and then, while she waited for her friends to get up, decided to tidy her clothes and bed up. Humming cheerfully, she sorted through everything, until she found her robes from the day before. As she unpinned the Head badge, the cool silver brought a rush from her memory.
Head badge…Head Boy…Head Room…kissing…
She let out an involuntary gasp, and her cheeks burned as she sat down weakly.
"What's wrong?" came the sleepy voice of Emma.
Lily swallowed.
"Uh, nothing," she called back. "I just uhm, pricked myself on my badge."
There was a clatter of curtain rings as Emma pulled her hangings back fully and blinked at Lily.
"So why are your cheeks practically on fire?" she demanded.
Lily feigned innocence. "They are?" She put her hands to her cheeks. "Oh."
Shrugging it off, Emma swung her legs down and sat up, rubbing her eyes. "Whatever. I may as well get dressed, now that I'm awake." She picked up a towel. "And then," she called, "we are going down to breakfast, where we will sit with Remus, Sirius, James and Peter, so that we can all discuss why you and James are incapable of having a civil conversation, and why Sirius and Sapphire are incapable of having a conversation."
"No!" Lily blurted.
Emma turned, hand on the bathroom door. "Excuse me?" she asked, raising her eyebrows.
"No – it's just -" Lily fumbled for an excuse. "I don't think we should – should spend so much time with – with the boys," she ended lamely.
"What time?" Emma snorted. "We've barely spent any time with them! Remus and I decided that for once we were going to sit it out and do – what's it called? – conflict resolution."
"But – it's -" Lily thought fast. "Well, think about it, Em – we were totally happy on our own, from first year to sixth. This year…I don't know – the Marauders seem to play a big part with us, and it's suddenly made life a bit too dramatic. I mean, there was your entire saga with Remus, and all the Sirius and Sapphire arguments, and the entire Polyjuice thing – it feels like we're in a story, where about a million over-dramatic things happen in one week. Maybe we should…just stay away from them for a while – you know, just go back to normal."
Emma regarded Lily for a long moment. "Lily, I can understand what you're saying," she said, her voice unusually gentle. "But it wouldn't work." Lily opened her mouth, but Emma carried on. "Think about it. You and James are the Heads of the school – you'd have to run into him at least once or twice a week, probably even more now that the Ball is so close. I spend a lot of time with Remus, and Sirius is like part of the James package, which means that if Sapphire is with us, she's going to collide with him once in a while. We can't just sever ties now, because they're…well, they're forged in iron, so to speak. No way round it." She smiled. "I think you should make the best of it – at least your Transfiguration grades are improving!"
"That's little comfort," Lily muttered, as the door closed behind Emma.
A while later, when it was a decent hour to go down to breakfast, Lily Emma and Sapphire headed to the Great Hall. Despite Emma's pleadings, Lily staunchly refused to sit with the boys, and went off to sit on her own further down the table. Emma, determined that at least one of the problems would be sorted out, forcibly dragged Sapphire into a place beside her, and tried to make her look anywhere but at her plate.
Feeling rather stupid on her own, Lily positively refused to look anywhere in James' direction, and took out a book. She began to eat her way through a pile of toast, reading about the history of Cheering Charms as she did so.
Before long, however, her mind was drifting, and while she stared at the page, the majority of her brain began a Spanish-Inquisition-style interrogation into why she was feeling so uncomfortable.
Because he kissed me! she screamed at herself. He's my colleague – he's a friend! Friends don't kiss you!
Ah, said that little niggling voice at the back of her head; the voice Lily would dearly have loved to hit with a frying pan, but that's not the real reason, is it? If the voice had had a face, it would have been wearing the unbearably smug smirk of a cat that got the cream. You feel uncomfortable because you liked the kiss, didn't you? Come on, Lily, admit it to yourself, you thought his lips were-
"Shut UP!" Lily said fiercely.
"Sorry?"
Lily turned, flustered, to see Sapphire sitting down next to her, looking bewildered. Beyond her, James and Remus were watching her questioningly, though as Lily turned her eyes on him, James looked away, with the faintest tinge of pink gracing his cheeks.
"Sorry," she apologised. "I was just…out of it." She looked back at her friend. "I thought you were meant to be 'opening the channels of communication'?"
Sapphire snorted. "Yeah, right. It's not like we even opened our mouths to each other. Then the owl post arrived, and he got something – I think it was some sort of list, and after that he just looked moody and stared at his plate. Not that he wasn't doing that already."
"Ah well," Lily said. She glanced at Emma. "You know, Em is going to give you the mother of all lectures later on."
"Yeah, but I can live with that," Sapphire said. "Now, pass me some toast – it's not healthy to keep all that to yourself."
-&-
"Lily, do you mind if I ask you a question?"
"What?" Lily asked, still focused on Achievements in Charming, through which she was trawling to find information she could use for a revision timeline.
Emma cleared her throat. "Where's Tom been lately?"
Looking up, Lily saw her friend bite her lip as she watched her earnestly. "I was wondering that myself," she said, furrowing her brow. "I haven't really seen him around."
"It's nothing really," Emma said, almost hesitantly. "I was just thinking…I mean, usually he turns up to give you a hug or something once a day – I thought I had just missed him or something."
"No-o," Lily replied. "He hasn't been around." She considered for a moment. "Wow, it must be bad if even you've noticed it."
"Like I said, it's probably nothing," Emma repeated. "We're all really busy, so maybe -"
A pair of hands covered Lily's eyes. "Guess who?"
Lily twisted around. "Speak of the devil," she said, laughing.
Emma grinned. "Hi Tom," she said. "Lily, I'll catch up with you later."
"See you," Lily said. She turned to Tom. "So where have you been lately?"
"Oh, around," Tom said lightly. "Did you miss me?"
"Maybe," Lily teased. She wrinkled her nose. "Ok, so maybe I was just wondering where you were," she admitted.
Tom put his arms around her. "Well I'm here now," he said, eyeing her books. "Clearly I'm not going to drag you away from the world of homework tonight, so anything you want help with?" He flexed his fingers. "I'm good at flicking through books. Lots of practice."
Lily laughed in spite of herself. "Not unless you want to help me burn them."
"No matches," Tom said mock-ruefully. "Well, if I can't help you in that way, let me at least help you…relax." He kissed her neck, and Lily smiled.
The portrait hole swung open, and a tall, dark-haired boy walked into the room. He looked around, and his gaze settled on Lily and Tom. For a moment, he stared at her with an unreadable expression on his face, and then he turned and walked to another chair and began to read.
Tom, feeling her tense, looked up. "Oh come on," he said, misunderstanding her, "surely your Head business can wait for a little while."
"Y-yeah," Lily said, trying to smile again. She looked back down at her work.
Tom kissed her cheek softly and began to trail kisses across to her ear, but Lily moved her head away awkwardly. "Don't, Tom."
"What?" Tom questioned. He rubbed her arm, and Lily glanced up at the figure of James opposite, still apparently intent on his book.
"Nothing," she said. Tom's hand drifted down to her waist, and she sucked in a sharp breath. The last person who had touched her there had been J-
"What's wrong, Lily?" Tom inquired. Nuzzling at her neck, he repeated his question, while Lily could do nothing by stare down, occasionally lifting her eyes to James. This is stupid, part of her said angrily, he's only sideways on, and he hasn't even looked round at you – why are you so uptight?
Tom's voice was slightly colder when he next spoke. "Ok, I guess you're busy." His voice softened. "Can I at least kiss you before I go?"
Slowly, he leaned towards her, but just as he was about to reach her lips, James turned a page, and Lily leapt back as if she had been burnt.
Tom opened his eyes. "What's going on?" he asked injuredly. He looked at the group of chattering first-years. "Look, I know you don't go for public displays of affection, but what's -" Lily, who had been staring at the desk, head down, sent a fleeting glance in James' direction. Unfortunately, Tom caught it.
"Oh," he said, in a slightly different tone of voice. "Well." He looked at Lily's downcast eyes. "I'll just uh, leave you to your schoolwork." Without another word, he left, and Lily let out a sigh as she watched him go. A movement made her change her gaze to James, who had looked up. Blushing, she averted her eyes and went back to work. What good would it do?
-&-
Sirius was pissed.
Indeed, not in the alcoholic way. That would have been a trade-up he thought sourly, as the cold breeze wafted across his face. At least he would have been too fuddled to have to think. Instead, he was out here, sitting on a balcony in the cold, raging at his own fate, while the stars above glistened, icy and crystal bright.
He had been fairly upbeat, after the original shock of being disowned. Really. Okay, so there had been a few pranks to let off steam…maybe more than a few…but nothing drastic. Hell, he wasn't about to slit his wrists. Yet.
Still, the owl that had arrived this morning had been an unwelcome reminder of what he was trying to escape.
Pushing cold fingers into his pocket, Sirius brought out the piece of parchment and stared blankly, with unseeing eyes, at the list written in his mother's slanting script. It was an inventory of everything he owned in the house. Apparently his mother had enlisted her house-elf's help to write down all that was in his room, so that he would take only what he was given. Frankly, Sirius shuddered at the thought of that slimy little toerag (more commonly known as Kreacher) pawing through his clothes and books. He would probably have to bleach everything clean once he got them out.
Consequently, he had spent most of the day living up to his reputation as a blood traitor, by silently cursing every member of the Black family that he could think of. The only people excepted had been Andromeda, his only normal cousin, and Uncle Alphard, out of respect.
Fumbling in his pocket again, he took out a small gold box, and looked at it, glinting in the moonlight. He had found it in his trunk after dinner. Actually, the plan had been to escape to Hogsmeade, but James, probably suspecting something of the sort, had hidden the Invisibility Cloak, and in the end, he couldn't be bothered to get drunk alone again. Instead, he focused on the box, before taking out a cigarette from inside and lighting it with a Muggle lighter.
It wasn't a habit of his to smoke – in fact, he couldn't even remember the last time he had opened the box. When he had seen it today, however, it had seemed liked an opportunity for release, and he had taken it with both hands.
Placing the cigarette to his lips, he drew on it, and then let the smoke escape from his mouth slowly, watching the faint tendrils as they slipped away, and wishing that it was more than just smoke disappearing. The grounds were quiet, and castle lights were beginning to be extinguished as the minutes ticked by. Faint footsteps sounded now and again as teachers or Prefects made their rounds, but no one would think to look here. It was his place alone.
Slowly, very slowly, Sirius felt himself drifting off in his own thoughts, where the only reality was that of the crisp air gnawing at his face, and the clear night sky above; where the gigantic drop below was not a thing of fear, but of interest, and the little light in Hagrid's hut was the only sign that this world was inhabited by anyone else. Taking a drag of the cigarette again, he stared out towards the mountains and rough, wild country that surrounded him.
"WHAT ARE YOU DOING???"
The next few seconds were a blur. There was a rush of hurried footsteps, and the next thing Sirius knew, his cigarette was being torn out of his hands by a feminine figure, who stubbed the glowing end out on the stone wall before flinging it off into the air.
Sirius got to his feet, scowling. "What the hell are you doing? And who the hell are you?"
The girl swung around, pushing a curtain of brown hair off her face, and as the moonlight fell on her shadowy face, she came into focus. Sirius gaped.
"Heathleigh?" he said incredulously. "What the hell are you doing?"
"What the hell are you doing?" Sapphire hissed. She held out a hand. "Give me the rest of them – don't tell me you only had one."
Sirius was so surprised that he actually did hand his box over. He regretted it, a moment too late, as Sapphire hurled the box over the wall and into the darkness. Getting to his feet, he stared at Sapphire's tense back. "What's wrong with you? What was all that for?"
Sapphire faced him again, angling her face so that her expression was barely visible. "I hate smoking," she said tightly, and turned on her heel. She was almost at the doorway, when Sirius replied.
"Huh?"
Sapphire looked back. She let out a long breath. "Do you know what happens when you smoke?" Her expression was unreadable.
Sirius had no idea what she was getting at here, but he kept his voice neutral as he responded. "It's not good for you. Your lungs and stuff."
"But you do it anyway." Her voice was quiet.
Sirius shrugged. "One-off."
"That's how it starts. Just one cigarette."
"So what?"
Sapphire took a step forward, still in the shadows. Her voice sounded almost tired. "I don't know why I'm even bothering with this, Black, but maybe I should tell you something. In Muggle schools, you learn about dangers of smoking very early. I've read books. Bronchitis, cancer, heart disease, cardiac arrests, smoker's cough, brain damage…" Her tone was monotonous, with a dull, learned-by-heart quality. "Muggle and magical diseases. No magical cure."
"I don't understand. How do you know all this?"
Something in Sapphire seemed to sag. "My dad smokes," she muttered.
"So what?" Sirius honestly failed to see what she was trying to say.
"So what?" Sapphire laughed bitterly. "If I had a Knut for every time someone said that, I'd be a rich woman by now." She sighed. "It means that I have first-hand experience of what it's like."
"What what's like?" Sirius glared at her. "Stop being so overdramatic."
"You just don't get it, do you?" Sapphire's voice had risen. "My friends all said that – I was being melodramatic. You know what?" She almost spat the next words out. "You don't know! You don't know what it's like living with someone who smokes heavily! You don't know what it's like watching someone you love burn their life away! And you sure as hell don't know what it's like watching your family's finances turn into ashes!" She took a deep breath.
"Your dad's got the addiction?"
"No," Sapphire said bitterly. "He's got the disease."
Sirius wasn't entirely sure what he was supposed to say. Sapphire's face, or what he could see of it, was in a carefully controlled expression of forced calm, her eyes overbright. "Well it's not the end of the world," he tried. "He can always quit."
Sapphire stared at him for several moments, so intently that Sirius felt uncomfortable. "I don't know why I'm telling you this," she said at last. "I've done it before. It never worked with anyone else. You know why?" She laughed harshly, and Sirius blinked; this was an embittered side of Sapphire that he had never seen before, and somehow he doubted that anyone had seen her like this, including both her current and former friends.
Sapphire carried on, her voice as bitingly cold as the night air around them. "You can't understand. You never will, unless you're in the situation." She paused. "I didn't either. I grew up, and cigarettes were just these things that my dad had a lot of. I knew they were bad for you – really bad – but I didn't understand the whole truth." Blinking, she brushed at her eyes. "You can't understand until your mother gets so desperate and worried that she turns to you to talk to, because there's no one else, and suddenly the world isn't a cosy cocoon any more. You just have to watch, powerless, while one parent smokes their life away, and the other worries their life away."
Sirius watched as she walked to the balcony wall and leaned on it, looking at the grounds below. "Sometimes, I wonder if it'll be my mum, not my dad, who'll go down first, from the stress of it all," she almost whispered.
Raising his eyes, Sirius looked at her taut back, silhouetted against the hills and mountains. He had no idea why Sapphire was telling him her history. Something told him that this wasn't about who she was saying it to, but the fact that she was saying it; it didn't sound as though she had ever let this out before.
"Well, I'm sorry," he said quietly. If he had been anyone else, he might have hugged her, but in his situation, that was practically taboo, and he would probably come out of it with a black eye and bruised ribs.
Sapphire sniffed, and when she turned round, he could see that she had been crying. "I wouldn't even let my worst enemy go down to cigarettes," she said. "Just – don't. There are other ways to escape your life."
Sirius stared. How had she-? He opened his mouth. "Sapph-"
But she was gone. He looked at the door as it swung shut, and then back out at the stars. When he had come here tonight, he had wished that he had had something to think about, to take his mind off himself.
Now that his wish was fulfilled, he wasn't entirely sure it was a good thing.
-&-
Meanwhile, for Lily, concentrating on her work was horribly hard, distracted as she was by a certain Head Boy who was paying absolutely no attention to her. The owner of a pair of high heels, who was coming down the stairs, was about to make it even harder.
"Hello James," a sultry voice purred.
When Lily looked up, she felt physically ill. Serena Parkinson was sitting straddled on James' lap, trailing a solitary, seductive finger down his cheek.
-&-
Whatcha gonna do,
When you can't say no,
When her feelings start to show,
Boy I really need to know,
And how you gonna act,
How you gonna handle that,
Whatcha gonna do when she wants you back?
-&-
A/N: Sorry for the long waits between updates - I really do try to remember to get each chapter sorted on time, truly :( the song is from Mya, Case of the Ex. Anyway, I promise the next chapter will show up e-ven-tu-ally, and until then...spend some of your time reviewing?