"I still kinda wish we'd brought the others as backup," said Harley, as she and the Jokerwocky followed the Knave toward the Queen of Hearts's palace.
"They can do more good out in Wonderland rallying the people," said the Jokerwocky. "They'll be more inclined to listen to them as some of their own kind. We're just strangers here, and nobody trusts a stranger."
"Yeah, but maybe I could have milked the whole Alice thing more," said Harley. "She kinda a god-like figure to these people – maybe I could command them to rise up against the Queen."
"If I didn't know better, sweetheart, I'd assume you didn't want to be alone with me," retorted the Jokerwocky. "That Scarecrow guy definitely didn't want you to be – I thought he was gonna flip when I suggested it. The Hat guy and the Cat lady practically had to drag him away from you."
"I think he's just overprotective," said Harley, shrugging. "You know, like a father figure."
"You sure it ain't something else?" asked the Jokerwocky.
"Like what?" asked Harley, puzzled.
"Like the same reason I wanna be alone with you," he retorted, grinning.
Harley felt herself blushing. "I'm not objecting to being alone with you, really," she said. "I just think maybe it would have been a good idea to bring someone native to Wonderland along, in case something crazy happens that we're not prepared to deal with."
"And I'm glad they ain't along," replied the Jokerwocky. "They'd kill the mood with their weird nonsense crap."
"I'm not sure what kinda mood you're expecting when we're about to head straight into danger by stealthily infiltrating the palace of a beheading-happy psychopath with the help of a man with half a face," retorted Harley.
"Well, personally, I think the danger kinda adds to the romance," said the Jokerwocky.
Harley grinned. "Well...I guess it is kinda exciting."
"Would you both shut up?" demanded the Knave, whirling around. "You're making me feel sick."
"Relax – it's just flirting, half-face," retorted the Jokerwocky. "I'm sure you do the same kinda thing with your psycho queen."
"Not after this I won't," the Knave muttered under his breath. "I doubt she'll ever let me flirt with her again."
"Well, just because your love-life is over, no need to ruin the rest of ours," retorted the Jokerwocky. "Some of us still have a chance at being happy because we're not attracted to power-mad tyrants with a passion for random executions."
"Maybe she'll be better after she's deposed," said Harley, encouragingly to the Knave. "Some people just go crazy when they get a little power. Or a lotta power. Maybe once it's taken away from her, she'll go back to being a normal, productive member of society."
"Nobody in Wonderland is normal or productive," retorted the Knave.
"You know, I can see why you people are still stuck in Victorian times," said the Jokerwocky. "I mean, I'd be the first to admit that the world is only improved by lunatics, but you gotta be the kinda lunatics who don't just sit around drinking tea and reciting poetry. That sorta stagnates a society. I guess if nothing else, you gotta admire the Queen of Hearts for shaking things up a bit. Even if by shaking things up, she executes half her subjects on a whim."
"We're here," said the Knave, nodding at the palace that loomed in front of them out of the clearing of trees. "The only way I'm going to be able to sneak you inside is if they think I've taken you prisoner. So give me back my axe and pretend you have your hands tied behind your back."
"I dunno if I trust you with the axe again," said the Jokerwocky.
"If you don't trust me, you shouldn't have asked me to help you," retorted the Knave, holding out his hand.
"I don't trust you," agreed the Jokerwocky. "I don't trust anyone who could love a woman who destroys half your face."
"But we don't have a lotta choice," said Harley. "Give him the axe, J."
The Jokerwocky sighed but obeyed. "Okay, but if he double crosses us, on your head be it, toots. If your head don't get chopped off, of course!" he chuckled. "Can't trust a two-faced guy if you ask me," he muttered, holding his hands behind his back as Harley did the same.
The Knave of Hearts nodded, and then headed toward the gate. "Who goes there?" asked one of the playing cards.
"It's me, the Knave," replied the Knave. "I've brought her majesty some prisoners. The Wrong Alice, and the Jokerwocky," he said, nodding at them.
The card stared at him. "This…is the Jokerwocky?" he stammered. "Is he a shapeshifter?"
"No, he's just a man," retorted the Knave. "That's what we've been cowering in fear of this whole time. A man capable of great destruction, but whose head can be removed from his body just as easily as any other man's. As her majesty will soon discover," he added with a smile.
"You will be rewarded for this," said the card. "You have saved Wonderland. You're a hero. They'll write songs and poems about you…"
"Yeah, that's just what this place needs, more songs and poetry," interrupted the Jokerwocky. "But I guess a lotta things do rhyme with hearts. Knave less so…depraved, slave, which is actually a pretty good description of him…"
"Laugh it up, clown," snapped the Knave, rounding on him. "We'll see who has the last laugh when the Queen gets through with you."
He shoved past the guard, dragging the Jokerwocky and Harley after him. "Now what?" asked Harley, once they were inside the palace.
"Her majesty will be in the gardens – it's croquet time," said the Knave, glancing at a clock. "You two hide in the throne room – you'll be able to get a view of when you can leap into action from there."
They obeyed, taking their place behind two pillars, while the Knave headed through the doors into the garden, where the Queen of Hearts held a flamingo upside-down, trying to use it to knock a hedgehog ball through a series of wickets.
"Good shot, your majesty," said the Knave, approaching her as she knocked the hedgehog through one of the hoops.
She glared up at him. "What are you doing here?" she demanded. "You're supposed to be trying and failing to find the fugitives."
"I told you I wouldn't disappoint you again, your majesty," said the Knave.
"You failing to find them wouldn't be disappointing me," she retorted. "Failure is exactly what I'd be expecting from you. Your shot, my Dark Knight!" she called.
The Knave bristled both at the comment, and at the armor-clad figure who approached them, holding his own flamingo. "I can't be distracted by a silly game. Why hasn't the card army we sent to kill the Jokerwocky returned yet?" he demanded.
"Patience, my Dark Knight," cooed the Queen, running her finger down his chest. "All good things take time. Just relax – the game should relieve your stress. Unless you'd like to try something else that would do that."
"The game is fine," muttered the Dark Knight, aiming his flamingo and knocking it into the hedgehog. The creature went flying, over the high wall surrounding the palace and out of sight.
"Maybe…a little gentler next time," said the Queen of Hearts, slowly. "Not that I like a gentle man. I prefer them a little more rough and rugged," she purred, sidling up against him.
A clock chimed somewhere in the palace, startling both the Jokerwocky and Harley. "Teatime!" shouted the Queen. "Where is the Ventriloquist with the tray?"
"I'll go see," said the Knave, heading back inside. He met the Ventriloquist on the way, and grabbed the tea tray from him, saying, "I'll serve her majesty today."
"It's really my job…" began the Ventriloquist.
"Yeah, but it must be inconvenient having to carry the tray and the dummy," said the Knave.
"Yes, but it's my job," said the Ventriloquist. "I really can't let anyone else do it – her majesty wouldn't like it."
The Knave looked helplessly toward the pillars, and the Jokerwocky obliged, creeping up behind the Ventriloquist and raising his gun to strike him hard on the back of the head, knocking him unconscious.
"Thanks," muttered the Knave, grabbing the tray away from the Ventriloquist. Or at least, he tried to, but the dummy clung on.
"No, you don't, you dirty rat!" snapped Scarface. "Nobody knocks out my dummy and steals from Mr. Scarface…"
The Jokerwocky obliged again, raising his flamethrower and enveloping the dummy in its blast.
"Thanks again," said the Knave, ripping the tray away from the burning cinder block. He took out the shrinking potion and carefully poured it into one of the teacups, then headed back to the garden.
The Queen hadn't noticed the commotion in the throne room – she was too busy draping herself over the Dark Knight. "It's about time…" she began, whirling around, but was surprised to see the Knave carrying the tray.
"Where's the Ventriloquist?" she asked.
"He was feeling under the weather," said the Knave, placing the tray down. "There you are, your majesty."
The Queen shrugged as the Knave poured the tea into the cups. "The army should really be back by now," repeated the Dark Knight.
"You worry too much, my Dark Knight," said the Queen. "They're probably engaged in a mighty battle with the monster…"
"They've actually all been burned to a crisp," interrupted the Knave.
"How do you know that?" demanded the Queen.
"I saw them," he said. "The Jokerwocky had some kinda device that spewed fire – the cards didn't stand a chance."
"I knew it," snapped the Dark Knight, standing up. "I should have gone myself – I don't know why I let you talk me into staying behind."
"So lead the next army," retorted the Queen, waving her hand. "Plenty more cards in the pack, and plenty of time to deal them. But now it's teatime, my Dark Knight. Do sit down and have a cup."
The Dark Knight obeyed reluctantly, taking the cup the Knave offered him. He sipped it slowly while the Queen sipped hers, the Knave's eyes flicking between the two.
Suddenly, the Dark Knight choked, dropping the cup. He gasped, clutching his throat, and as everyone watched, he began shrinking until he was no bigger than a blade of grass. "What have you done to me?" he squeaked, in a high-pitched, shrill voice, the opposite of his normally deep, gruff tones.
"What you deserve for stealing my Queen from me," growled the Knave, raising his boot and stomping it down hard on the Dark Knight. Or at least that was the intention, but the Dark Knight was quick, and managed to scurry away across the grounds, being chased by the hedgehog croquet balls.
The Knave knelt down in front of the astonished Queen. "My most gracious and beauteous majesty, I have brought you a gift. The Jokerwocky and the Wrong Alice are in the throne room as we speak. They wanted me to betray you and shrink you as I did to the Dark Knight, but I would never do such a thing to the woman I adore. Instead I have delivered your enemies into your hands, which the Dark Knight could never do. Say that you forgive my earlier failure, and take me back."
The Queen stared at him, and then smiled slowly. "Of course, my Knave," she purred, kissing him deeply. "But first, bring me my prize."
"Somehow, Harley, I don't think that went according to plan," said the Jokerwocky, as the Knave turned and strode toward them. "I knew that two-faced jerk would betray us. It was as plain as the nose on his face."
"What do we do now?" asked Harley.
"Offhand, I'd say run," said the Jokerwocky.
They both pelted toward the door they came through, out into the corridor. Stacks of playing card guards began descending on them from nearly every doorway as they ran along the long, seemingly never-ending hall.
They turned a corner to be met with more playing cards blocking the exit to the palace. "I'll hold 'em off for as long as I can," said the Jokerwocky, aiming his flamethrower.
"No, you're coming with me," said Harley. "I won't leave you here."
"We can either both be captured and killed, or one of us can have a chance at escape while the other acts as bait," said the Jokerwocky. "And it's me they want. I don't have time to argue with you, kid. You need to run," he said, as the cards began to swarm them.
"You'll die…" began Harley.
He cut her off with a tender kiss on her lips. "At least I'll die happy," he murmured. "Now go."
"J…"
"Go!" he shouted, firing a blast of flame at the cards and burning a path to the exit. He shoved her through the gap just as more cards came to fill it up.
"J!" shrieked Harley, fighting to get back to him. "J!"
But it was no good. The cards had folded up behind her, sealing the palace shut and trapping the Jokerwocky inside. Harley stared helplessly at where he had disappeared.
"I'm gonna save you," she whispered. "I promise."