"You shouldn't have come back," said the Queen of Hearts, shutting the door to her throne room and leaving the Jokerwocky and her alone. He was tied and beaten, but glared at her defiantly.
"You knew I was gonna be back one day," he retorted. "You knew I wasn't gonna stay in this hellhole forever. And you're the only one with the power to send me back to where I came from."
"Yes," agreed the Queen. "But I was hoping to kill you before then, or have Alice do it. And I won't send you back, of course, not after all the trouble you've caused. Terrorizing and killing my subjects – that's something only I'm allowed to do, J."
She went over to her throne and poured a cup of tea for herself. "You have no idea how much I enjoyed frightening my subjects by convincing them you were this monster bent on complete domination," she said, sipping it slowly. "But then they're all a pack of cowards here. Even my own Knave was afraid of the very thought of you."
She sipped from her cup. "I don't like cowards," she said. "I like strong, determined, fierce men, men who would risk danger and death to achieve their goal. Men like you, J."
"You can sweet talk me all you want – I'm not gonna be your stupid King of Hearts," he retorted. "I'm not gonna do anything you want me to do."
"You're going to die either way, you know that, don't you?" asked the Queen of Hearts. "You can die in a couple months after I've had my fun, and after you've ruled this land, subordinate to my will, of course. Or you can die now at the hands of my executioner. It's your choice, but frankly you'd be crazy not to take advantage of those last few months with a beautiful woman."
"Like I told you before, you ain't my type," said the Jokerwocky. "And I don't have any interest being subordinate to anyone's will. I'd rather die a free man now than be your slave for an hour. I've seen how you treat 'em - just look at your Knave's face."
"Oh, but I have every confidence that you wouldn't fail me, J," murmured the Queen, smiling at him. "A man like you, so strong, so determined…I might not get sick of you at all."
"You would – that's not the kinda men you like long-term," retorted the Jokerwocky. "You like to break 'em, and you won't break me, toots."
"I do so want to try, though," she purred, running a finger down his chest. "It's been a long time since I had a man worthy of a challenge – the Dark Knight would have been one had my Knave not chased him off. But frankly, I don't like small men, and I'm betting you're not one of them. Come on, J – you could do a lot worse than the most beautiful woman in Wonderland."
"You're not the most beautiful woman in Wonderland," retorted the Jokerwocky.
"Then who is?" demanded the Queen.
"You know her as Alice," said the Jokerwocky. "But she's actually the Wrong Alice. Her real name is Harley."
The Queen gaped at him. "You think that pathetic little pretender is more beautiful than me?" she demanded. "Are you blind?"
"I must be," he said. "Because I kissed her, and there's no way in Wonderland that I'm kissing you."
"You're going to do what I say!" shouted the Queen. "I am the Queen of Hearts! No man can resist me!"
"You know, I don't know what delusions you labor under, your majesty, but you're really not as hot as you think you are," said the Jokerwocky. "Certainly not irresistible. I mean, you may be good-looking compared to most of the freaks here, but by Gotham standards, you're pretty plain."
The Queen of Hearts's eyes flashed fury. "What…did you call me?" she hissed.
"I called you plain," he retorted. "Not even ranking in the top ten most attractive women I've ever seen."
The Queen looked like she might explode. "I will not stand for being called…plain!" she choked out. "If you want to die, J, I won't stand in your way!"
She threw open the door to the throne room and shouted at the waiting guards, "Off with his head!"
…
"Harley, you're all right!" exclaimed the Scarecrow as Harley burst into the clearing where he, the Mad Hatter, the Cheshire Catwoman, and various other citizens of Wonderland were gathered. "I was so afraid that mad clown had gotten you killed…"
"Worse, he's got himself killed!" exclaimed Harley. "Or he will soon if we don't help him! We need to attack the palace now and rescue him!"
"We're used to hearing a lotta nonsense here, but that's the craziest thing I've ever heard," spoke up Killer Croc, and the others murmured their agreement. "We can't possibly attack the palace."
"Why not?" demanded Harley. "Your numbers are greater than theirs. What's a few of the Queen's playing card guards against the entire population of Wonderland? And if you're afraid that some of you will die, some of you will anyway with the way she just chops off randomer's heads! You have to show her that her behavior won't go unpunished, that she can't just kill anyone she likes! Being Queen doesn't grant her that power!"
"To an extent, it does," replied the Mad Hatter. "She was granted the right to rule by the ancient prophets of Wonderland, who foretold all our history. She can do what she likes with her own power."
"Are you really going to listen to a bunch of old, dead people?" demanded Harley. "When your lives are at stake, you're going to put your faith in some silly superstition?"
"Sounds good to me," said Croc, and the others murmured their consent again. "We don't have anything else to put our faith in, do we?"
"You have to put your faith in yourself!" exclaimed Harley. "You have to believe you can change things! But only you have the power to do that!"
"Me?" asked Cobblepot, to which Harley had pointed as she gestured out at the crowd.
"Why him?" demanded Cobblekettle. "We're twins – contrariwise, I could be the one with the power."
"No, I meant…each one of you has the power to change things," said Harley, slowly.
"How do we know that?" asked Croc. "Was it foretold in any ancient prophecy of Wonderland?"
"Oh, for God's sake!" snapped Harley, trying not to explode in a mixture of fury and desperation. And then suddenly, an idea struck her. "Do you know who I am?" she demanded out at the crowd.
"The Wrong Alice," said the Mad Hatter, nodding.
"No," she retorted. "I am Alice. The one who was foretold to stop the Jokerwocky and save Wonderland. And as Alice, I know exactly what to do to accomplish that. But you have to do exactly what I say, which is fine, because I'm Alice, so you know, whatever happens, it was foretold and all."
The crowd murmured amongst themselves for a few moments, and then collectively nodded. "All right," said Croc. "Attacking the palace it is, Alice. Let's get to it."
"How dare you?!" hissed the Mad Hatter under his breath. "How dare you pretend to be Alice?!"
"It's the only way these psychos will listen to me, all right?" snapped Harley. "I'm kinda desperate here. If you've got a better idea, let me know. But frankly, since these zealots are too blinded by their weird prophecies, if I wanna get anything done, impersonating a god is the only way to do it. And I gotta save the Jokerwocky."
The Mad Hatter stared after her, and then repeated the end of the prophecy to himself, "Until the Frabjous Day arrives, and Alice comes to save our lives; the only one with the power to stay the Monster from its wicked way. No, no, no, this is all wrong!" he exclaimed to the Scarecrow. "It's not the Frabjous Day, and she's not Alice!"
"And I doubt she has the power to stay the Monster from its wicked way," agreed the Scarecrow.
"I dunno, boys – love can make people do strange things," said the Cheshire Catwoman, shrugging. "Like impersonating Alice. And maybe even staying the Jokerwocky's wicked ways."
"Don't be absurd!" snapped the Scarecrow. "The Jokerwocky isn't in love with her, and she's not in love with him!"
"Then why is she leading an attack on the Queen's palace to rescue him?" asked the Cheshire Catwoman. "Sure seems like a crazy thing somebody in love would do to me."
"Yes, well, nobody asked you, did they?" retorted the Scarecrow. "A woman as wonderful as Harley couldn't possibly be in love with that clown-faced freak. It's all wrong."
"So is her impersonating Alice, and she's done that," retorted the Mad Hatter. "Perhaps two wrongs do make a right. In which case…Harley might have the power to save Wonderland after all."