Author's Note:
This is probably the longest chapter I've ever posted. It wasn't intended to be this long, but when I wrote this part I kinda got too invested emotionally and simply couldn't stop myself. When I re-read the chapter I couldn't bring myself to cut anything short to match the usual chapter length, but I also couldn't bring myself to post it in two parts as it would have impaired the reading flow and I rather dedicate every flashback scene to a singular chapter, not have it drag out over multiple chapters.
Anyway, I hope you won't get bored reading this extra long chapter. And hopefully I can take you on an emotional ride throughout this part.
October 2004
"I can't believe you're doing this!" A teenage girl with long wavy blonde hair bellowed furiously and wildly gesticulated with her hands. She was about 5'5'', a little taller than average for her fourteen years of age, and of a slender frame. She paced back and forth in the living room of the small house, wearing a hole in the carpet with her converse sneakers.
"Emma, listen…", Her older brother was standing helplessly near the leather couch that was situated in the middle of the room. He took a few steps towards her, reaching out to touch her and calm her down, but she just shrugged him away forcefully.
"Don't touch me!" She growled dangerously low. Eric threw his hand up and nervously ran it through his curly blonde hair.
"Emma, please let me explain", he pleaded desperately, but Emma just continued her pacing.
She huffed a breath. "What is there to explain? You're shunting mom off in a home! You shuffle out of our responsibility. That's pretty self-explanatory to me", she yelled and Eric gasped at the bitter words.
"Emma, that's not…" Eric stopped for a second and sighed. "I don't have much of a choice", he tried to reason with her, but she wouldn't have it.
She stopped and regarded him with a look of disgust and disappointment. Eric flinched a little at the hostility directed towards him. Her usually sparkling light-green eyes were dark with anger. "Of course you have a choice!", she spat at him and a few droplets of spit hit him in the face. He wiped it away carelessly. "Mom doesn't need to be in a home. She's perfectly fine here with us! But apparently you turned into a selfish asshole and are too egoistic to care about her. You only ever care about yourself!"
All color drained from Erics face at the accusation. He stood stock-still for a moment as it took him a while to get his brain to work again. When he spoke again, his voice was very quiet. It was almost a whisper. "That's not true and you know it."
Emmas' voice on the other hand didn't lower one bit. Her fury had gotten the better of her and she just couldn't stop the hurtful words spilling out of her mouth. "Of course it's true. You obviously don't care about mom one bit or you wouldn't be sending her away."
Breath hitching, Eric tried again to reason with her. "I care about her and because of that I'm moving her to a nursing home." He attempted to step closer to her again to try and calm her down, but this time she didn't just shrug him away. Anger got the better of her and she shoved him away with both hands. Thankful for the quick reflexes he had accustomed to over the last years of living with his mother, he grabbed to the backrest of the couch in order to steady himself and avoid falling to the ground.
"That's bull! I hate you, Eric! I hate you so much!" Emma was sobbing now and without another word the teenager stormed out of the room, her feet heavily pounding on the stairs as she ran up to her lair.
Eric watched her leave helplessly, then plopped himself down on the couch and pinched the bridge of his nose with a little more pressure than necessary. Her words stung, even though he knew she probably didn't really mean them. It was the heat of the moment, the shock of what she had overheard, that made her say those hurtful things. Emma wasn't supposed to overhear his conversation with Patricia, the daycare nurse for their mother. She was supposed to be at school still, not come home early. He had wanted to present the news to her later that afternoon.
He jumped, when a firm hand landed on his shoulder and squeezed it lightly. "You're doing the right thing."
He turned his head to the side to look at the woman now sat beside him. It was Patricia. "Am I", he asked doubtfully.
"Yes, Eric, you are", she reassured him.
"I'm not so sure about that", he sighed and rubbed at his temples to fend off the building headache.
"You did and you know it", Patricia reinforced and Eric hunched his shoulders at that, leaning his lanky frame forward to rest his elbows on his knees and put his hands on his head.
"Yeah. She doesn't seem to think so", he replied flatly, doubt still lacing his words.
"She'll come to her senses." There was a certainty to her voice that Eric admired and he had to remind himself time and again, that Patricia was a professional after all and probably hadn't witnessed such an outburst of a family member for the first time today.
"I hope so."
Patricia leaned forward as well and laid a reassuring hand on his back, just below his neck, and gave him a squeeze. "Give her some time to cool off. She just got the news."
"Yeah, not the way I wanted her to." Eric ran his hands through his hair again, making it stick in every possible direction. It made him look like he just got out of bed.
"It's unfortunate that she walked in on our conversation this way, but we can't change that now", Patricia said with an air of calmness. Eric sighed again. "Don't beat yourself up."
Raising his head and looking Patricia square in the eyes, he answered a little more forcefully this time. "But I do!"
She didn't seem fazed by his little change in attitude and stayed as calm as before. "I know. I could try and talk with her, if you like, Eric."
He furrowed his brows at that and after a few seconds shook his head. This wasn't Patricias' obligation, it was his and he wouldn't back down from it like a coward. "No, Patricia. It's my responsibility, not yours. I'll give her some space and talk to her later."
Patricia nodded, understanding his need to make this right himself. "You do that."
"It's just… I feel like I failed her", he admitted after a minute of silence.
"Are we still talking about Emma?" Patricia asked him, catching up on the ambiguity of the statement.
Eric stood up and paced the carpet. He threw his hands up in frustration and rested them at the base of his neck, letting his head fall back into them, before he let his arms fall to his side again and the tension left him, making him look like a puppet on a string. "Yes. No." He sighed. "Yes and no, but mostly I'm talking about my mom. I feel like I didn't try hard enough."
Patricia remained seated even though she urged to comfort him, sensed that he needed a little space. "Don't put yourself down. You did the best you could for as long as you could."
He looked at her with desperation. "Did I really? I mean, I could've seen the signs earlier, tried to get her doctor's to try other medications…"
"You were just a child, you couldn't possibly have known", she scolded him. He always blamed himself for things he couldn't possibly have any influence on and that was somewhat of a concern for her. He was still so young and already carried around so much guilt on his shoulders. It was unsettling.
"I actually know that, Pat, but sometimes my mind tells me otherwise."
"Then tell your mind to shut up", she suggested in an attempt at humor.
He snorted drily. "If only it was that easy."
"Eric", Patricia started, her tone turning serious again. "I have been working as a nurse for almost thirty years now and I never had the honor of getting to know such a courageous person like you are before. You've been accomplishing things these past years that no lesser man could ever have."
He laughed bitterly. "That's flattering, but I'm sure there are plenty people out there who would do the same."
Patricia shook her head in exasperation. The boy was too stubborn and too self-deprecating for his own good. "No there are not. Most would break under the pressure", she said strongly.
"Patricia…"
"Please let me finish, Eric. You practically sacrificed your childhood for your mother and your sister. You protected your family by stepping up at way too young an age. Look at you, you are still a teenager yourself and already you raised a little girl and took care of your mother for the past years. And you still managed your school work, including summer school, skipped two grades during that time and graduated top of your class at the age of 16. It's remarkable accomplishment and you should be very proud of yourself."
He deflated and nodded, head bowed. Then he added in a small voice, "I couldn't have done it without your help."
"But you did for the most part. Eric, I've only been here for three years and only during the day. Up to that point you did it all by yourself for the better part of three years, still are most of the time." Patricia laid a comforting hand on his forearm.
"She's my mom…" Eric stated as if it explained everything and to a degree it did. It didn't explain, where he got the strength to keep it together for so long, though.
"Yes, she is. And I'm sure that in the moments of clarity that she sometimes has, she's just as proud of you as I am."
Eric drew a shaky breath as he felt the moisture in his eyes. He tried to keep the tears at bay though. He felt like if he lost it now, he wouldn't be able to get his bearings back anytime soon.
"You did the right thing in finding a nursing home for her. I can only tell you that again." Patricia repeated what she had said earlier and gave him a gentle pat on the back.
"Yeah…" He blinked back the tears and swallowed the lump in his throat. "Thanks, Pat", he said shakily.
Patricia nodded and gave him a reassuring smile. "You're welcome. I'll be with your mother, if you need me." With that she departed from the living room and headed upstairs to his mothers' bedroom.
Eric sat down on the worn leather couch and took a few moments to get his bearings. Then he stood up walked to the hallway and grabbed his keys from the counter before heading out.
He returned a couple hours later, packed with paper bags full of groceries and didn't waste any time in unloading the food into the fridge, before heading up to his sisters room. He stopped in front of the door, taking a deep breath and squaring his shoulders, and then knocked before entering. Emma sat on her bed, seemingly engrossed in school work since she showed no indication that she acknowledged his presence.
"Emma?", he called softly from the doorway. "Can we talk?"
She halted in whatever she was doing, but didn't look up. "I don't want to talk to you."
"Okay", he replied nonchalantly, but took a few steps into the room, grabbing her desk chair by the backrest and drew it closer to the bed, positioning it two feet away from her and sat down. He watched her as she feigned to do homework, didn't say anything though.
They remained like that for an unknown amount of time until she finally caved in. She sighed, threw her pencil down on the mattress and looked up. Eric couldn't help but notice that her eyes were red and her makeup was smudged, presumably from crying. He felt a sting in his heart. "What?", she exclaimed, trying to sound annoyed, but it came out rather weak.
The lanky young man opened and closed his mouth a few times, trying to find the right words to start this conversation. "Look… Emma. I never meant for you to find out this way. I wanted to tell you personally about my decision when you came home. I didn't know you would be here early this afternoon."
"Yeah, well… I was", she bit out without any further explanation why she had been home early.
He grimaced. Seeing no other option than to share some recent developments concerning his mother with her – things he usually kept from Emma for a reason – he finally gave in. "Mom has been getting a lot worse lately. I talked to Patricia about this a few days ago. She had noticed it too. She called me on not taking care of myself and frankly she is right. I barely slept or ate in weeks. Mom's been nocturnal almost every night and I've been going above and beyond to get her to calm down so she wouldn't wake you up as well. I don't have to remind you that I'm still working two jobs aside from going to college do I?" He knew it was lame to rub the last part into her face, but if this was what it took to make her understand his decision, then so be it.
But it didn't seem to do the trick, as she turned defensive once again, just like that afternoon. "So what, we get a nurse for the nights as well. End of story."
He resisted the urge to sigh in exasperation. "No, Emma, it's not that easy. Mom needs professional help. Professional being the key word."
Emma scrunched her face and her voice was lacing with sarcasm when she answered, "And here I thought all the nursing classes you took after high school made you something akin to a professional." She emphasized the last word with the mimicking of quotation marks.
Eric pinched the bridge of his nose. Not able to hold his own irritation back any longer, he slightly raised his voice and put all the authority in it that he could possibly muster. "It doesn't. It merely empowered me to keep this family intact for as long as possible without the authorities knowing that two minors were basically without real parental supervision. I don't know if you would have liked to end up in foster care instead, but I sure as hell didn't."
Emma paled at the mere idea of ending in foster system and she struggled with a comeback this time. The anger left her body and she lowered her head in embarrassment. "I'm sorry", she mumbled apologetically and for the first time that day Eric had the feeling that he had gotten through to her.
"No need." Eric sighed, relieved that she finally dropped the attitude.
"So what happens now?" Emmas' voice was small and childlike. She was after all still a child, Eric reminded himself.
"Patricia will drive me and mom to St James Home for the Elderly tomorrow morning for a tour. Patricia worked there for a while, she knows how things are being handled there and she said it was a place where people with Alzheimer's were still treated as human beings and not like animals in a cage, if you know what I mean." He stopped for a minute, only continued when she gave him a small nod. "If I approve and mom feels comfortable there she will spent a day in their daycare and if that goes well we'll accommodate her as soon as possible. Most likely by the end of the month."
"That's in two weeks…"
"Yeah. I know it's soon. But it's in the best interest for all of us. And it's not that far from here. We will be able to visit her any time we want, every day if you like."
"It still doesn't seem right", Emma voiced her doubt.
"No, it doesn't", he agreed. "But I'm exhausted, Emma, and I won't be much of help to either of you, if I keep going like this." Eric sounded weary and drained and Emma raised her head at the unusual tone of his voice.
The teenage girl looked at him and for the first time in weeks she took the time to really watch him closely. Popped veins were visible in the white of his eyes from constant strain, his eyelids were swollen and there were dark circles under them. His skin looked pale and taunt, a deep frown line had formed on his forehead and his cheekbones were more prominent than ever. All this made him look a lot older than his nineteen years. And while her brother had always been tall and slender, he now looked scrawny. There was nothing but skin and bones, his shirt and shorts were hanging loose on his frame.
Suddenly Emma felt terrible for making things even more difficult for him than they already were. She knew that he tried to keep their everyday life as normal as he possibly could and that what he did wasn't to be taken for granted. But sometimes her pubescent moods got the better of her and she stomped down on every attempt he made to make things right. All the while he was on his last fumes, running himself ragged. She felt miserable and the feeling almost suffocated her as tears started falling uncontrollably.
Ever the selfless gentleman Eric immediately moved from the chair and sat down beside her on the bed. He took her in his arms, embracing her tightly. She gave in almost immediately and clung to his shoulders. "I'm sorry, Eric. I'm so sorry", she sobbed into his t-shirt. "I'm a terrible sister."
His heart ached at the words and his breath hitched. "No, Emma. You're a great sister. The best I could ever imagine having", he whispered into her ears, tears building behind his own eyes as well and he knew he wouldn't be able to hold them back this time.
"I'm not. I called you things that I shouldn't have. I was being mean to you for no reason", she sniffed.
"It's okay, Emma. I know you didn't mean them." He stroked her hair absentmindedly.
"But I had no right to say those things to you… I called you an egoistic bastard, when you are anything but. You always put the needs of others before your own." She tried to pull back from him, but Eric held her close, needing the physical proximity just as much as Emma.
"You were angry is all", he soothed into her ear. "People say things they don't mean in the heat of the moment. I don't hold a grudge against you." Eric wondered why his voice still sounded so calm and unaffected, when he felt like his heart might break into a thousand pieces any time now.
"I know and that's just the thing. You are too good for this world."
Eric just shook his head against hers. "No I'm not."
"Yes you are. You are my hero, Eric." She snuggled a little more into his embrace and finally added with pure sincerity, "I don't hate you."
"I know, Emmy. I know", his voice crackled at the last two words. He couldn't hold the tears back any longer. Every ounce of self-control left him in that moment and the tears started to fall freely as he came undone. While he still rubbed her back in a calming manner, it was only because comforting her was edged so deeply in his brain. Her body was wrecked with sobs and his trembled from the sheer amount of stress relieved in that moment as well.
It seemed like eternity until their collective crying subsided and when Eric spoke again, his voice was raw and on the verge of breaking. "We'll get through this. Together."
I would really appreciate it, if you would leave a review letting me know what you liked or disliked. As much as I am thankful for anyone putting my story on alert or adding it to their favorites, a comment helps a writer so much more in advancing their story and improving their writing skills.
Thanks in advance!
- S.