Author's Note:
I'm satisfied with myself right now. My interest in psychology got the better of me while writing this chapter. What started out as a small idea for a filler chapter (mostly because I'm still working on how I want to resolve the emancipation issue and because it fit so well with the hints given in the previous chapter) grew and grew and turned into this monster. While this is easily long enough to make two chapters there didn't seem to be a right place to cut it in half, so I decided to leave it in one piece and just present you the whole thing.
In hindsight I hope it makes up for the most likely longer wait between chapters that is to come. September is always a very busy month for me in terms of my private life, so I simply won't have much time for writing. But for now I hope you'll enjoy this extra long chapter.
November 2008
"Mister Getz."
Dr. Nate Getz, startled, turned on his heels and turned to the source of the question, which happened to come from the small Operations Manager who suddenly appeared to his left seemingly out of nowhere. "Oh, hi Hetty," he acknowledged her. Upon noticing the grim set of her chin he could tell that something was on her mind. "Is something wrong?"
Hetty squared her jaw and tipped her chin with one finger. "How much do you know about Mister Beale?" she asked without preamble ignoring his question completely. She wasn't one to beat around the bush, but the question still came as a surprise to the Operations Psychologist.
Cocking his head Nate frowned down on the smaller woman. "You mean Eric Beale? The new member in the tech squad?" he asked for confirmation. "The one helping out on that case that ended so tragically for that family?"
Hetty nodded once, eyes dark. "Yes."
"Um…" Nate blinked his eyes a couple times and pushed his bottom lip forward while thinking about the question. "Not much, to be honest. I know that you basically hired him right out of college, but he didn't start working here until six weeks ago. He surfs in his free time and the way he dresses is a little – extraordinaire," Hetty chuckled. "I haven't really had the chance to get to know him better, so there's not much else, I'm afraid. I only worked two cases alongside him so far."
Hetty tapped her finger against her chin again. What Nate recited was pretty much common knowledge around the office and frankly she hadn't expected Nate to know much more. "What's your impression after working with him?"
Nate rubbed at his hairline in concentration. "As far as I can tell he's a hard worker. He offered interesting insights, especially on that second case. He mostly keeps in the background, but when he feels like he has some vital information he provides it without hesitation. He's purely professional though. I haven't seen him initiate any closer contact to any of the people he works with. He's polite but guarded, but that's to be expected. He's still new and he' probably the youngest ever working here, though I don't know his actual age."
"Twenty-three," Hetty offered and Nate's eyes widened in surprise. He hadn't figured the young man to be this young. On second thought he looked more like a senior in high school, especially with the choice in attire. "And the last case?" Hetty broke him from his thoughts.
Nate frowned in confusion. "What about it?"
"How has he handled it?" Hetty elaborated.
Nate's forehead creased in concentration. "Now that you're asking, he seemed a little tense. He worked the case relentlessly and without a break as far as I can tell. And he seemed angrier about the way the family was torn apart by the authorities than he should be." Nate exhaled audibly. "But the case was a heartbreaking one and he's still not used to this kind of work." Hetty pressed her lips together tightly but refrained from saying anything. Nate's right eye twitched suspiciously upon detecting that slight shift in mimic. "Mind me asking, what this is about?"
Still not answering his question Hetty swiftly turned and stalked over to her office motioning the psychologist to follow her. He did, reluctantly so, came to a halt right in front of her desk and watched as she grabbed a manila folder off the small pile on her desk. She handed it to him. "Make yourself familiar with this, Mister Getz." He looked at her with confused unease. "This is your case for now." Nate held eye contact with her for a while, hoping to get a read on what was on her mind, but his skills failed him as they always did when it came to the little ninja.
Averting his eyes Nate turned the outer page of the folder to reveal the name of his so-called case: Eric Bartholomew Beale III. stood on the front page in bold letters. Getz drew in a deep breath and held it for a moment before blowing it out slowly. "You want me to profile him?" The small woman nodded. "Didn't he have a psych evaluation when he started?"
"Yes. I executed it myself," Hetty answered in confirmation. A dark look crossed her face. The psychologist was unsure as what to make of it.
"Why would you want me to perform another one so soon?" Nate pried. This was getting strange and evaluating a new member of the Office of Special Operations was highly unusual and only performed when there was reason to doubt the persons' ability to withstand the pressure of the job, which was mostly the case with the field agents, rarely with support staff.
Hetty firmly closed the folder he was holding and put her flat hand on top of it carefully, a gesture that spoke volumes about what this obviously meant to her. "Read the file, Mister Getz. You will find your answer in there. But be discreet about it."
The unsettling feeling in his stomach increased. "I don't understand, Hetty."
"Just read it," she repeated, calm but insistent. Nate looked at her worried, but he felt himself nod his affirmation. When she turned away he clutched the file to his chest and retreated to one of the less frequented areas of the Mission where nobody would disturb him. Settling himself at an empty desk he got to work immediately. The trepidation remained. Something wasn't right and he was more and more determined to get to the bottom of this.
Two hours later Nate made his way to the ops center where he assumed his 'case' to be working on something. He dragged his feet upstairs, the information he had gathered weighing heavily on his mind. The file had turned out to be an intense read and he'd learned things about the newest employee that he would never have expected. There was so much more to Eric Beale than met the eye. Concealed behind the blonde surfer façade was a highly intelligent young man who had had it rough over the past decade. His onerous teenage days had shed some light on why Hetty felt the need for another evaluation. The case was bound to open some old wounds for the young man and Nate couldn't blame the tech for taking it a little too personal.
With the new insight into the kid's life Nate was surprised that the case hadn't disturbed Beale more. He couldn't know that for sure, though. Maybe it had hit him harder and he was just very good at hiding it. And if he was honest with himself, Getz hadn't really paid attention to the twenty-three year old after the case was over.
Nate stepped through the automatic doors that led him into ops and spotted the man of his desire in the far corner of the room. He observed him for a few minutes. At first glance the Technical Operator appeared at ease, leaning back in his chair lazily, legs stretched out and the flip-flop clad feet moving in a silent rhythm under the desk. But as Nate moved closer to get a better angle he noticed the stiffness in his shoulders and the way his teeth grinded against each other. Dark shadows surrounded the younger mans' eyes, but Nate couldn't tell if it was simply the poor lightning in the room or something else.
Casually leaning against the desk right next to the blonde Nate initiated conversation with the other. "Hey."
The Technical Operator glanced up for a brief second. "Hi," he passed back and returned his attention to the monitor. His fingers didn't even stop their typing. His look was one of concentration and Nate wondered what had captured the kids' undivided attention.
Nate cocked his head forward to take a closer look, but the endless rows of random numbers and letters made absolutely no sense to him. Computers weren't really his thing and the language of them might as well have been all Greek. "What are you working on?" he asked nevertheless, more as an in to a conversation.
Beale didn't even avert his eyes from the screen when he replied absentmindedly, "Just changing some of the codes for the security protocols to make the firewalls less of a target for any possible attack."
"Are we at risk of an attack?" Nate asked slightly alarmed.
The blonde smiled. "Not at the moment, but we shouldn't make ourselves vulnerable by relying on the current setup either. Technology advances all the time, so do hackers. They get more and more creative and it's their goal to detect any loopholes and breach them. We don't want sensitive information about locations and ongoing cases leaking out." Eric stopped typing for a moment, fingers hovering over the keys of his keyboard ready to resume their work, but he awaited the psychologists' answer.
Nate nodded once. "Sounds reasonable," he agreed. While he wasn't familiar with the art of hacking he understood the underlying threat. Seemingly satisfied with the reply the tech started typing again.
"Why the sudden interest though? Aren't you supposed to get into people's heads instead of their technology?" The kid chuckled lightheartedly, eyes glued to the screen.
The dark-haired man grimaced. "Oh, I'm just curious. Can't hurt to broaden your horizons, you know?" The clacking noise of the keyboard stopped again and Nate was faced with a sceptic look from the younger man. Ignoring it Nate changed the topic. "So, how are you?"
Eric Beale's eyebrows rose even higher, hands dropping to his lap and abandoning their earlier work completely for the time being. "Not exactly the smoothest transition there, doc," he pointed out and quirked one corner of his mouth upwards. "I'm fine, why?" He spun his chair from one side to the other leisurely, but the psychologist didn't miss the barely noticeable shift in the younger man's shoulders.
Nate was intrigued by the small reaction he'd garnered. "Just asking." He shrugged, but was met with a questionably raised eyebrow. "You seemed a little on edge during the last case you were assisting with and I was wondering why," he relented and found himself a little nervous. Eric probably wondered why the psychologist only made a move to ask him about it now. The case had been put to rest a week ago after all. Nate shifted a little and braced his arms against the surface of the desk.
The tech frowned suspiciously and stopped spinning his chair. "Huh," he huffed out. He sat up a little straighter, crossed his arms in front of his chest and dug his heels deeper into the floor beneath him. "How can you tell?" he asked, trying to appear nonchalant. "I'm only here for six weeks and we only worked two cases together. There's no way for you to tell the difference between my 'normal' and 'out of character' behavior," he reasoned.
Grimacing at being called out on Nate shifted uncomfortably, crossed and uncrossed his legs a couple times and scratched his scalp thoughtfully. "Granted, you have a point there," he admitted sheepishly.
Eric pulled his chin and smiled proud of himself. "So what has you so on edge, doc?" He started spinning his chair again, but it wasn't as smooth as earlier and the tension didn't leave his body completely. Nate noticed, but was too flustered to give it much thought.
"Beg your pardon?"
The blonde smirked, amused that he had rattled the psychologist a little. "You're a psychologist, right? Aren't psychologists supposed to be the epitome of calm? Yet, here you are fidgeting like a puppet on a string, stepping from one foot to the other and stumbling over your sentences because I turned the tables on you. Why are you so nervous?" It was merely a collection of observations and the facts were presented matter-of-factly and rather offhand. No venom, no intention to be hurtful. Eric probably wasn't even aware that he questioned his opposites' capability to perform his job.
Nate resisted the urge to shuffle his feet again, squared his shoulders instead and cleared his throat, but obviously it took Eric too long for him to form an answer and the blonde started talking again, his voice now serious and slightly demanding. "No, let me rephrase that: why are you here, doc?"
Nate remained silent for a while longer, the two men silently challenging themselves in a staring contest. Surprisingly, or maybe not so surprising at all, it was the psychologist who relented first. He rubbed a hand over the stubble on his chin and clutched the file Hetty had given him a little tighter than necessary in the other. "Hetty wants me to evaluate you," he finally admitted.
Erics' posture stiffened and his face scrunched up in confusion. "Why?" he asked and sounded genuinely perplexed. "My annual psych evaluation was performed before I started working here. Hetty did it herself. Why would she need another one?" If he was being honest with himself, he already suspected the answer to that question but there was no way he'd willingly admit to it.
Nate replied with a calm and quiet voice. "Because of the case."
Eric shifted in his chair, sat up a little straighter and pressed his back against the backrest for support. His hands found their way into the pockets of his board shorts, his left heel digging deeper into the concrete while his right leg started bouncing up and down nervously. "What about the case?" Eric blurted out with a strained voice.
The psychologist sighed. He resented Hetty right in that instant for putting him in this position. "Apparently it reminded you of unpleasant past experiences," he offered quietly as not to arouse the attention of the other two techs working in the other corner of the room.
The jittering of Erics' leg stopped and the young man leaned forward ever so slightly. The next words that left his mouth were spoken dangerously low and if Nate hadn't been standing so close to him he might have missed them. "How would you know about my past experiences?" Nate studied the man closely, taken aback by the carefully concealed anger in those words.
He inhaled deeply and blew out a long breath. Coming clean seemed the only logical thing to do. "Hetty gave me this." Getz held out the file.
Eric tilted his head ever so slightly to one side and without breaking eye contact with the lanky doctor took the folder. He opened the lid and only averted his eyes long enough to read the name on top of the page. What transpired afterwards happened too fast for Nate to remember all the details: The file was shut immediately after the briefest glance, Beale basically leapt from his chair leaving it spinning madly and tipping back precariously close to the technical equipment and its former occupant was out of the door in the matter of seconds. Nate registered from the corner of his eye that the other two techs had turned around and watched with stunned expressions that probably mirrored his own.
As soon as he found himself able to move from the trance and follow the younger man Eric was already halfway down the stairs and heading towards Hettys office with long angry strides. Nate made it to the ground level just in time to hear angrily spit words and slowed his steps defeated that he couldn't prevent the altercation from happening.
"What the hell?"
Nate watched and winced as the personnel file landed and its contents spilled all over Hettys' desk. He noticed the fleeting look of surprise on the Operations Managers' face but it was gone almost as soon as it appeared. "Mister Beale," she greeted calmly.
"You gave away my file?" Eric yelled. It made both Lange and Getz flinch as neither of them had heard the young tech raise his voice like this before. His breathing was harsh, fists clenched tightly at his sides, body stiff as a board. He was standing stock still opposite Hetty and while fury was written all over him he still didn't seem to be able to put all the venom in his voice. There was something else, barely hidden in his tone. Disbelief, vulnerability, but most of all betrayal.
Hetty looked rueful, but her voice was steady and calm when she admitted, "I did." Nate couldn't see Erics face but he heard the hitch in breath at the verbal confirmation to what he already knew.
"Why?" the young man breathed out barely above a whisper and his breathing became even harsher. He cleared his throat and the next sentence came out a lot stronger. "You had no right!"
Hetty pursed her lips and schooled her features. "I have the right, whether you like it or not, Mister Beale," she corrected him self-contained as she pierced the young man through her round glasses.
"This is private information and it's nobody's business but mine!" Eric fumed, digging his fingernails even deeper in the flesh of his palms and Nate was sure if he kept doing it he might inflict some damage.
"I have the right to share this information if I feel the need for an extraordinary evaluation. Considering the subject of your latest case I have reason to believe one might be in order to ensure the safety of my agents out in the field. I can't afford to have any one of my employees distracted and putting lives at risk because of a personal issue."
Eric gasped. The color drained from his face and he braced his hands on the backrest of the chair facing Hettys desk, gripping it so hard his knuckles turned white. "What?" he blurted out and left his mouth hanging open, staring at Hetty with shock.
"You heard me, Eric." The atypical use of his first name didn't even register with the young tech. "I can't have you work any more cases unless I'm certain that your head is in the game."
Beale stared at the older woman for a long awkward moment. Dr. Getz could feel the tension in the room. He was positive that if he brought a knife over he'd be able to cut the air in half. But if the whole surreality of the situation wasn't throwing him for a loop the next three words certainly did.
"Screw you, Hetty."
Nates' breath caught in his throat and he was rooted to his spot as the blonde man spun around and pushed passed him, unaware that he almost knocked the taller man off his feet in the process. Dr. Getz managed to keep his balance though and followed the kid with his eyes until he vanished behind a corner. His gaze lingered for a while, trying to make sense of what had just happened and then turned around to face Henrietta Lange, who occupied herself with reorganizing the papers on her desk that had been mussed up before. The thin-lined lips, the deep crease in her forehead and the sucked in cheeks told Nate that the woman was deeply affected by the event as well. He assumed that she hadn't predicted the outburst either, but with her he could never be sure.
"As much as I hate to admit this," he started unsure if this was the right thing to say, "but I understand his reaction." Hettys jaw protruded ever so slightly and she refused to meet his eyes. "You should have asked him if he was okay with this."
"I know, Mister Getz," Hetty answered with a sense of calm. "But I chose not to and I have my reasons for it." She even wore a barely visible smile on her lips.
Nate furrowed his brows and tilted his head in confusion. Then it dawned on him. "Oh," he stated and he blew out a long breath. "You actually wanted to provoke a reaction from him."
A hint of a smile ghosted across her lips as she nodded. "Yes." She leaned back in her chair with a cup of tea in hand.
"Why, though?" Hetty cocked one eyebrow cryptically, hoping he would catch up on what she wanted to say. "You think he will bottle his emotions up and they will backfire at him when he least expects it to happen, like during a case. That's viable concern, Hetty. But might I ask why this is so important to you? If you think that Eric can't handle the pressure of high threat cases you could always keep him away from that and have him work in the basic tech support." Nate mused, still confused.
Hetty pursed her lips and shook her head. "I could, but I won't," she answered with determination.
"So, you want him to work on high profile cases? Why?" He tried to make sense of it, but couldn't find an answer for now.
Hetty smiled cryptically. "You read his file, Mister Getz. Mister Beale is highly skilled in his field of expertize. He would perish in low-level tech work, but he might flourish as an asset for our field agents."
Nate nodded slowly, but still didn't understand completely. "Yes, but he is still knew and he's still young. There's plenty of time for him to work towards this. It doesn't need to be now."
"Or does it?" Hetty bid defiance.
A light bulb went on. "It does," Nate realized. "He's had one obstacle after the other thrown his way all through his childhood, never really had the time to lean back and relax, shut off his brain and take a breather. He's been under pressure from all angles – his mother, his sister, the state, college… all those instances were blown with the wind this summer and he might feel like he's lacking a purpose in life. He needs the challenge to feel needed."
"Exactly, Mister Getz." Hetty nodded and smiled at him proudly.
"But do you think this is the right way to give him one?" Nate made his reservations.
The smile slowly vanished from Hettys features. "I'm not and that's why I need you to have that evaluation with him, Mister Getz."
He was shaking, shaking so hard that he could barely get his legs to keep moving. In his mind he catalogued all the signs of an oncoming nervous breakdown that he currently experienced: the way his heart was rapidly hammering in his chest, the way he was sweating profusely, the way his stomach was churning, the dizziness and the headache pounding in sync with his heart. The trembling was only the most obvious symptom. But he couldn't break down right here where people might see him. He needed someplace safe. Forcing his brain to recall the layout of the building he'd internalized when he first started he remembered a rarely used men's room at the back of the downstairs level of the building. He'd be safe there. No-one would come looking for him there, right?
Reaching the door he pushed through it and stumbled into the dimly lit room just in time. His legs gave out and his self-protective reflexes kicked in just soon enough for him to grasp for one if the sinks with clammy hands to slow his fall. He slid down the tiled walls with his back, hands holding onto the porcelain bowl like a lifeline until he was safely sitting on the floor. His breath was hitching and a single sob escaped his lips.
He had trusted Hetty, had hoped she'd understand his need for privacy and discretion. He'd never asked her to keep it a secret, though and it might have cost him not only his dignity but maybe even his job. Why had he been yelling at her? This wasn't like him. He was used to keeping his emotions in check, to think before he acted and restrain himself from saying or doing things he might regret later, yet he hadn't been able to now. He ran a shaky hand through his blonde locks and buried his head in the crook of his arm while grinding his teeth to keep from crying. It didn't work. His vision blurred with unshed tears and soon the salty liquid spilled over, dropping on his glasses and rolling down his cheeks. He couldn't hold them back any longer.
That was how Nate Getz found him five minutes later. Eric barely registered the creaking of the door as it was being opened from outside, but as soon as his brain caught up with it he panicked. Wiping away the tears he tried to scramble to his feet, but his legs still felt like jelly and he failed miserably. Looking up he found himself staring into the concerned brown orbs of the psychologist and felt his need for self-composure slip away again. There was probably no way he would have been able to fool the man either way, so why even bother?
Nate lingered by the door for a while, waiting and observing. He didn't want to intrude in this intimate moment, but it was probably his best chance to get the young man to open up to him.
"Psych evaluation in the men's room?" Beale quipped sarcastically, hating how broken and raspy his voice sounded. He chuckled involuntarily, hysterically. "Sounds like a poor title for a B-movie in the gay porn section." Eric ran his hands through his hair once more before dropping the still trembling appendage in his lap.
Nate smiled, slightly amused by the attempt at a joke. "I agree. Poor title indeed." He pushed away from the door and gestured to the spot on the floor next to the young man. "May I?" Eric shrugged and Nate took it as an invitation. He sat down and stretched his long legs out in front of him, resting his hands leisurely on top of his thighs. For a minute they just sat there in silence, Nate biding for Eric to say something and Eric unwilling to do so. The former was ready to break the quiet when the younger man suddenly spoke.
"Why are you here, Dr. Getz?" The words were spoken softly but with a hint of suspicion. Turning to the geek he noticed the deep frown and the redness in the kids' eyes from his crying earlier. The glasses were smudged with tears and his face still damp, hair ruffled and sticking in all kinds of directions. He looked utterly miserable.
Nate's heart ached for him and he sighed. "You can call me Nate, you know?" he offered, but was merely answered with a shrug of one shoulder. "Eric," he started, "I'm sorry about…" He took a deep breath to collect his thoughts, but Eric interrupted him, seemingly hadn't even been listening to his apology.
"She's gonna fire me," the younger man blurted out in a rush.
The dark-haired man was baffled for a moment, but composed himself. "Why would you think that?" He didn't need to ask whom it was they were talking about. It was plain obvious.
The blonde shot him an incredulous look. "You really have to ask?" Nate opened and closed his mouth. The tech took off his glasses and pinched the bridge of his nose. "Yelling at your superior isn't exactly the first impression you would wanna make," he added in a bitter tone.
"It's kind of late for first impressions," Nate stated and before he could stop himself he recited from memory, "It actually only takes tenth of a second for someone to decide whether he likes someone or not. It's an instinct imprinted in our genes and we don't really have much of an influence on how someone perceives us at first glance. While people might change their opinion over time when they get to know a person better, this initial imprint has already been made and it has an impact on how we are being treated."
Eric chuckled next to him and the sound made the psychologist pause his speech. "Going all psych 101 on me, aren't you now?" Nate smirked, happy to have tickled a laugh out of the younger man even if it turned slightly hysterical and died away in a hitched breath when Eric was in desperate need for some air. "Still, raising my voice at Hetty wasn't right."
Dr. Getz sighed. "Probably," he agreed. "But if it's any consolation: Hetty provoked you on purpose. She wanted to see how you would react," he revealed and glanced at the surfer from the corner of his eyes.
Said man's head snapped in his direction in shock. "Great," he exclaimed. "Now you're telling me she set me up? This was a test? One that I obviously failed. Is that supposed to make me feel better?" Eric ran another agitated hand through his already ruffled hair and let his head fall back against the tiles, squinting at the bright overhead lights of the room.
"Who said you failed the test?" Nate retorted innocently, a content smile playing on his lips. Eric rolled his head to one side and raised his brows at the psychologist. Nate's smile grew a little. "You reacted just the way Hetty wanted you to." Erics' eyebrows rose even higher, the look in his eyes turned even more disbelieving. "She wanted to see some emotion."
The Tech Operator sat up a little straighter and shifted so he could get a better look at the Operations Psychologist. "Why?"
Instead of answering Nate redirected, "Hetty recruited you, right?" Eric nodded confused about what this had to do with anything.
Nate leaned forward a little, resting his elbows on his slightly bend knees and looked the younger man straight in the eye. "Eric… Let me explain something to you," he requested, waiting for the kid's approval which was given with a hesitant nod. "When Hetty handpicks someone to work for her it's always for a reason. She does so only if she sees something very special in someone, a unique skill that will provide an essential asset to the agency. She saw something special in you too, or you wouldn't be here." He glanced at the younger man, but he was still listening. "So I'm not exactly sure about this, but I believe Hetty wants to put together an elite team of agents and an elite team needs the best technical support as well."
Eric shook his head in confusion. "I don't follow. What's that got to do with anything?"
Nate held up a hand. "Getting there, Eric," he placated and cleared his throat before resuming his explanation. "You're not here for long and we only worked on two cases together so far and I would never claim to know you from that short period of time. But," he drew the word out in a long exhale, "I know Hetty and while it's hard to get a read on her sometimes I can tell when she's impressed. And she's definitely impressed with your work. And I can see why. Even though I don't really know you and even though technology is so far out of my field of expertize, I can tell that you have skills. Aside from the hacking and analyzing stuff I saw with my own eyes that you don't merely present the facts to the agents to let them do the investigative work. You offer insight, make connections others don't. You're becoming your own investigator up there, which is so much more than any of the other techs do."
Eric blushed, clearly uncomfortable with the praise. "That's what I'm supposed to do, right? I'm just doing my job." Eric replied, feeling the need to defend his integrity.
Nate shook his head. "No, it's more than that. And that's what Hetty admires: your passionate investment in the cases. But that's also the reason why she worries about you. The last case hit close to home for you and Hetty fears that it might push you over the edge. She's concerned."
"I'm fine," Eric answered in a clipped voice and bit his lips. Hands fidgeted in his lap, but when the young man realized that the psychologist noticed, he fisted them tightly to hide the tremble.
Getz closed his eyes briefly and sighed inwardly. That kid was a hard nut to crack. "No you're not. You do realize that I observe and analyze people's behavior for a living, right?" he reminded the young man. Eric refrained from answering and turned his head away in denial. "When you were assigned your first case three weeks ago there was a sparkle in your eyes. You were enthusiastic, you were focused, eager about the challenge, you smiled and you joked and you were relaxed and well-rested," he started and watched the blonde's Adams apple bop as he swallowed around the emotion. "But the man sitting next to me right now…? If I didn't know better I would say you're not the same man." Eric frowned, but still refused eye contact. "That sparkle is gone and judging by the dark circles under your eyes you barely slept in over a week. It also seems like you lost weight, which is cause for concern and leads me to believe that you either don't eat properly or not at all. So please, Eric. Don't tell me you are fine, because it's plain obvious that you are anything but."
There was a long drawn-out silence in which Beale nervously chewed his lower lip and hugged his legs tightly to his chest. Nate, used to waiting in his line of work, patiently leaned back and did just that. It proved to be successful, because five minutes later the eerie quiet was broken.
"I'm having nightmares."
The words were spoken so softly that even in the otherwise silent room it was hard for Nate to catch them. He sat up straighter and tilted his head with peaked interest.
Beale inhaled shakily and swallowed around the lump settled in his throat. "I thought I'd finally overcome them, but after the case last week…" His breath hitched and upon noticing that the young man wouldn't be able to keep talking, Nate took over for him.
"You were reminded of what could have happened to you and your sister," he finished and closed his eyes in sympathy for the man. He'd suspected it as soon as he'd read the personnel file of Eric Beale, but hearing it confirmed made it much more real. The case had been of the murder of an honorably discharged marine. His death had left his wife, who was suffering from dementia, with two young children whom she couldn't provide care for on her own. With no other family in the picture the children, aged nine and eleven, had been sent to foster care and the mother brought into a nursing home. If Eric hadn't been able to hide his mother's illness for as long as he had and if he hadn't been able to fight tooth and nails to keep the family together, his family could have ended in the same tragic way.
Shaking his head opened his eyes again and glanced at Eric. "How did it make you feel? Angry? Sad?"
"A little bit of both I guess. At first I was mostly angry. I know that CPS only wants the best for the family, but they don't even know what this is doing to them and their mother. They already lost their father and now they lost their mother as well. And the mother lost the only thing still remotely normal in her life. Tearing them apart is just wrong on so many levels." The young tech drew a deep breath and exhaling slowly. "But when the case was over I was just sad. Even though it was hard I cherished every single day I had with my mother as long as I had it. It didn't give me closure but at least I know that I did everything in my power to make my moms' life worth living as long as I could. It still weighs heavily on my mind, but on the good days it gives me at least an ounce of peace. These kids don't even have a chance at that and their mom…" he trailed off leaving the rest unsaid, but Nate understood anyway.
While his words had started in a state of agitation, once he was done talking he just sounded tired and drained. His eyes were dull and filled with sadness. Nate felt for the man and he couldn't agree with him more. He cleared the uneasy feeling out of his throat and chose his next words. "You're right from a psychological point of view, but that doesn't change the fact that they just comply with statutory regulations. You realize that there's nothing you could possibly change about that."
"I know that," Eric retorted defensively and started fidgeting with his hands again.
"So what exactly are the nightmares about?" Nate inquired carefully, well-aware of the other man's nervous habit.
"My mother. The disease." Eric hesitated briefly, then added much quieter, "My fears."
"What kind of fears?"
Eric gulped and wrought his hands even more, before forcing them to rest on his knees. "That's something I really rather not talk about right now," he admitted.
"Okay," Nate reassured the younger man, refraining from prying deeper into the topic for now. There would be plenty of time later. "But you've been having those nightmares before?" Eric nodded. "When did they start?"
"I've had them occasionally ever since she got sick. But after my mother died I've had them every single night. I thought I had finally overcome them, but now they are back and I'm afraid that if they don't go away I might drown them out again."
Nate frowned at the phrasing. "What do you mean by drowning them out? Have you been drinking?" He hadn't expected something like that and he couldn't help but feel a little worried about the detail.
Eric grimaced and blushed in discomfort. "Once. It was an accident really. I didn't mean to do it and I swore to myself that I wouldn't do it again."
"What happened?" Nate encouraged him quietly, careful to keep every judgement out of his voice.
"It was after her funeral, after everything had been sorted out and I finally had the time to really process it all. The nightmares came as soon as I closed my eyes, every single time. Eventually I didn't dare close them at all. After a week without sleep I couldn't take it anymore, though. I've been playing an online game with a friend, had a couple beers already and I lost every single game against him. He made fun of me, because I rarely ever lose against him. It made me realize that I couldn't keep going like this anymore. I needed sleep desperately. I was so exhausted already that even the beer made me lightheaded. But it wasn't enough to shut off my brain, so without giving it much thought I downed a bottle of Single-Malt Whisky. I don't even know how I got to it and what happened afterwards. Just that I woke up next to the empty bottle on my desk the next morning to an angry phone call from my sister. I was supposed to pick her up from the bus station, but was running two hours late."
The psychologist winced in sympathy. That sounded like an unpleasant memory and if it was his he would have wanted to forget about it as soon as it happened. Eric must have felt ashamed for his inebriated state, especially in front of his sister whom he was a role model to no less.
"My sister talked some sense into me, reamed me out like there was no tomorrow and I was shocked enough that I banned every droplet of alcohol I could find in my apartment. Even threw out the mouthwash. Haven't even touched a bottle of beer ever since." Eric paused. "Gosh, I was so disgusted with myself. Still am." Nate blew out a long breath, trying to process everything he had just heard. It was a lot of information to take in and not exactly light stuff either. He felt Erics' eyes on him. "Judging by your silence this wasn't in my file," the young man half-asked wearily.
"Uh, no. Did you expect it to be in there?" Nate redirected the question. Eric squirmed under the older mans' gaze.
"Well, I never told Hetty about that. But I never told her much of anything about me so…" He trailed off and shrugged one shoulder carelessly.
"Yeah. Hetty has a way of knowing things." Eric nodded, biting his lips. The psychologist changed the subject. "So, obviously you learned your lesson from that one incident. Why are you scared that it might happen again? Do you feel the urge to drown your sorrows now?" he asked, afraid of the answer he might receive for Erics' sake.
Eric blew out a long breath. "No. Not yet anyway." He rubbed his neck absentmindedly, then shuffled his knees closer to his body and hugged them to his chest again. "Look, Dr. Getz… Nate," he corrected him and the psychologist felt relieve that the younger man was comfortable enough to address him by his first name. He seemed to understand that his secrets would be safe with him. "I know that going without sleep… running on fumes… it isn't healthy. I know that. But I don't know how to break that vicious circle right now. I've tried, but nothing really helps except coming here early, staying until late at night and keep my mind occupied."
The amount of agony, the sheer desperation in the kids' voice was almost unbearable to listen to, but Nate was glad to hear that at least his 'patient' understood and acknowledged the underlying problem. It would hopefully make it easier to find a way out of the loop that he was in. He rubbed his chin and considered how he should proceed. Finally he asked, "How did you break out of the circle last time?"
Eric frowned and got a far-away look. "My sister was by my side, distracting me in all kinds of ways. It helped to have someone to look after, someone to talk to. We spent the whole summer together: Vegas, New York…" He smiled in remembrance of their adventures, the precious memories they had made for themselves. "Back home we both learned to surf. That really helped clear my head, but…" Eric trailed off and swallowed the lump in his throat.
"But what?" Nate encouraged.
"Haven't had much time to do it since I started working here. The work schedule has been tight, especially with all the getting used to the new equipment, the people, the work itself… Everything really," the blonde explained.
Nate nodded sympathetically. "But you're getting used to the work, right? You've settled in so there should be enough time for the occasional surf. Not every day but a few times a week?" he mused.
Eric shrugged with one shoulder. "I guess so."
"Maybe you should work it out, make it happen. If surfing is what you need to compensate the stress of the job, to give you a peaceful mind at the end of the day and a good night's sleep, then you should make the room for it in your free time. I'm sure Hetty is more than willing to grant you enough leeway to do it."
The younger man raised his head and looked at Nate hopefully. "Do you really think she'd grant me anything after what happened earlier?"
Nate tilted his head to one side and raised his eyebrows. His right hand landed on Eric's shoulder and squeezed firmly. "I already said it, but I will say it again: Hetty wanted you to react. She's not mad. She's worried about you, is all." Eric took a shaky breath and nodded hesitantly, smiling shyly at the taller man.
The tension seemed to leave his body for the first time since he'd entered the bathroom. He rotated his shoulders and neck a couple times to get the stiffness out of them and stretched out his legs. "So…" he started and Nate noticed the lingering unease. "Are you going to tell Hetty what I told you?"
Nate made a face. "I have to brief her, yes. But she doesn't need to know about the details, if that's what you're worried about," he assured Beale, who looked relieved at that.
"Good. That's good," Eric affirmed more to himself than to Nate. He smiled, this time with more confidence and honesty. "Thanks, Nate."
"You're welcome." Nate returned the smile, then got up, determined to give the younger man some time alone so he could regain his composure. "I'll give you some space, talk to Hetty. Take your time." And with that he left the room.
"How did it go, Mister Getz?"
Nate leaned forward in the chair opposite Hettys' desk and braced his elbows on his knees, hands clasped loose. "Better than I expected."
Hetty watched him closely and when he didn't say more waved her hand in a flourish. "Care to elaborate?" she urged patiently.
Nate frowned and contemplated his words carefully. "Eric is a smart kid. Recent events obviously rattled him and he's having his fair share of nightmares, but he's a fighter. He realizes that there are things that he can't change, so he learned to overcome those obstacles and battle his way through. He knows that the way he's handling things right now isn't healthy, but in theory he found his counterbalance of choice. He just fails to put it into action right now. He might need a little help with that."
Despite his cryptic answer Hetty seemed to catch up with him. "What kind of counterbalance are we talking, Mister Getz?" she probed and leaned back in her chair.
"Surfing. We're talking about surfing," Nate clarified. "It seems to have helped him tremendously after his mother's death, but he hasn't gotten around to doing it much since he started working here. But it might be the key to get his mind settled down."
"'You can't stop the waves, but you can learn to surf.' Jon Kabat-Zinn." The corners of Hettys' mouth curved into a satisfied smile as she clasped her hands in front of her chest.
Nate nodded. "That's an appropriate analogy to Eric's life," he remarked.
"Indeed, it is," Hetty agreed with a feeling of pride before she made eye contact with her psychologist. "So what you're saying is that if he finds a way to juggle work and surf, it will help him focus enough to go through with my plans?"
"Probably. Personally, I would wait though. Give him some time to adjust, find a balance between his work and private life. He needs to learn to give himself enough downtime to recuperate and he needs to talk about the nightmares he's having, if only to acknowledge what he already knows deep down. But he's having trouble trusting people so I wouldn't recommend have him go to counselling with someone else. He opened up to me surprisingly fast, though, so I think he might feel comfortable enough to talk to me in the future as well. He needs a friend and I'm happy to provide him one."
Hetty nodded. "That's very honorable of you, Nate." He smiled at the praise. "Keep me posted on his progress. And I'll talk to him about the surfing. Thank you for your insight, Mister Getz."
She dismissed him and let her thoughts roam while sipping a cup of tea. While she had her doubts about giving Eric Beale some more time she trusted Nate's judgement implicitly. He was the Operations Psychologist after all. She just hoped that his assessment and his suggestions would help the young tech in the long run and not just for a short amount of time.
Let me know what you think.
- S.