Thursday, October 17th

Today was a good day.

It feels like everything that could go right did. We got no homework in any of our subjects, the new salad bar opened up today at lunch. And we started our track and field unit in gym. (I refuse to call it PE, because that stands for physical education and they haven't exactly educated us yet.) I like running, and am admittedly pretty good at it.

The only thing that was better than being able to run for 15 minutes straight was watching everyone else wonder how I got so fast… even the football players (who keep bragging about their first year of tackle… Ok, you can charge into someone… not very impressive in my opinion, but that's just me…) couldn't keep up with me. I'll have to try out for the track team next year at my new school (Amity Park Elementary only goes up to fifth grade).

When I run, I feel like I'm flying. Leaving earth behind me in favor of going somewhere higher up. The wind rushes past me, and the track around me starts to blur. It's just me and the vast expanse of blue above me.

On another note, today in English we had to read our what-we-want-to-be-when-we-get-older essays we've been writing of the past week in front of our class. I honestly thought that fifth graders would be more mature, but I was wrong. Either way, it was fun to laugh at how stupid some of the essays were.

Half of the guys said they wanted to be football players. A lot of the girls said they wanted to be models. Some of the nerds said they wanted to be authors or inventors. I said I wanted to be an activist. That I wanted to help people and animals get their rightful rights.

"So, like a superhero?" my teacher asked me.

I was never into comic books or superhero movies. They just seemed so… unrealistic. How a person could juggle to identities is beyond me. Plus, I find when I read stories heroes, be them military, civilian, or super heroes, I find myself longing to be a hero.

But I will probably never be one. Or, at least in society's view. I will probably never save a life, I will probably never be selfless enough to sacrifice myself for someone else, and I will never have super powers. I'll be lucky if I even know a true hero before I die.

"No, not like a hero. An activist. As in fighting for people's and animals' rights. I'm not going to be a superhero."

"You want to fight for other people… and animals… who can't fight for themselves. Sounds like a hero to me."

Maybe it did sound like a hero. But sounds like and is are two different things.

I will never be a superhero. But I do want to help people. I want to make a difference… a positive difference. Even if it is a small one.

And maybe then I'll be a hero, maybe one day I'll save a life. Or help save a life. Maybe I'll change someone's life for the better.

I sure hope so.

Oh wow. I went from talking about track and field to making some sappy statements about being a hero.

But it's true, someday I WILL help someone. Someday I'll be a hero.

No I won't! How could I make a difference? I'm an anti-social, trying-to-be-apathetic aspiring Goth. Doesn't sound like someone who could help someone.

Anyone can help someone. Maybe I will prevent someone from doing something dangerous by saying something nice to them. You never know.

Oh come on, Sam! When was the last time you said something nice to someone? I'd be more likely to say something to make that person do something crazy, knowing me.

Then I guess I'll just have to be nicer to people!

Being nice gets you hurt. Being kind gets you walked on. Being hopeful just makes the disappointment when what you hoped for doesn't happen even worse.

But… but I can try! And sometimes what I hope for happens.

Rarely. Just don't hope for a lot, and I'll be fine.

But hope keeps us alive!

These are the types of internal conflicts that ravage my head all the time. To hope or not to hope… that is the question. Sometimes I wish I truly was apathetic. Then I wouldn't have to deal with this crap.

But then I wouldn't be able to feel any emotions, including the good ones. Like happiness or peace.

As is, I'm rarely happy. And apathetic people are always at peace.

I HATE ARGUING WITH MYSELF LIKE THIS! I don't like fighting with myself…. No matter which side wins, I always lose. Plus its somewhat weird to be writing out an argument between me and myself. Oh well. I've got bigger problems.

Like the fact that I can never come to a conclusion about my feelings. Usually I just stop thinking about it before I get myself too confused. Like right now. I'm going to stop thinking about this in 5… 4… 3…. 2… 1!

Ok! But like I said, other than that internal debate I just had, today was pretty good. Although I still have to write a poem…

They always told me
"Don't let others get you down."
They always said,
"Don't let them get into your head."
Well that's great and all
And thanks to them I don't care
What others think of me,
But I can't help to think, that they were wrong.
They told me to not let them get me down.
But they didn't say anything about me hurting myself
They didn't mention I'd be fighting my worst enemy
And now I'm fighting me.
They said that guarding myself from others made me strong,
But they were wrong.

Well, that was deep.

Time to think about something else!

See ya later, Journal,

Yours truly,

Sam.

AN: And that was that chapter. Sam's internal battle? Yea, that has basically what has been going on my mind since I started watching cartoons with super heroes in them. Well, I'm going to make like Sam and think of something else, so don't forget to leave a review and I'll see you soon!