CHAPTER 2
Emily's POV
A has been gone for a month now, permanently, no more texts or messages or threats, so why don't I feel any better? I still haven't felt relief when I know I should. I should be worried about school and the swim team and college and the fact that my dad is coming home before I graduate, but I'm not worried about any of that, I don't even care. The girls have gotten their lives back on track and in working order, so why am I the only one who feels dysfunctional? Aria and Ezra are back together for sure and her family is ok with them being together. Aria is planning on going to Hollis to pursue an English degree, or maybe something for art. Spencer and Toby are happier than ever, with Toby in the Rosewood PD, fully recovered from his accident and Spencer getting ready for college, and I think Toby wants to propose to her soon. Even Hanna, who's had to suffer through Mona's death, is beginning to be her normal self again, with her dumb, yet funny comments and all too frequent shopping sprees. She and Caleb seem to be over their drinking problem and happy together. She's planning on moving to New York or Los Angeles, some big city, for fashion and design. But I don't banter with Spencer anymore, I can't playfully tease Aria about her height, and I haven't even had a heart to heart with Hanna in ages. Oh, I can't forget who put us all together, and then there's—there's—
Ali. I- I- why can't I forget about her already? What do I care what she's up to lately? Maybe she's out scheming how else to ruin someone's life or break their heart or maybe she's building a new group of friends to string along while they worship her. I know Aria, Hanna and Spencer are all trying to trust her again and let her back in, but not me. It was there idea first that Alison was A, so I don't understand why they suddenly feel the urge to befriend her again. Even though we were partly wrong, she's still lied. I can't forgive her like the others are trying to, not after she's broken my heart twice. I'm not the same timid girl she knew who would melt into her hands, so she could manipulate me. She knew how I felt and she laughed in my face, used me for fun, but no part of any of that was fun for me. They say you can feel when your heart breaks and I did. As a matter of fact I felt become like lead and sink to the pt of my stomach, right before I felt it shatter into a million pieces and have each one of those pieces smashed to dust with a sledge hammer. She tore my heart out time and time again, and I was so stupid for loving her. But I won't make the same mistake for a third time, the longer I stay away and forget she exists, the easier it'll be to piece my heart back together again.
I tried alcohol but after Hanna found out, she gave me the third degree and was persistent with me, keeping tabs so I wouldn't drink anymore. I can remember the time our roles were reversed and for the first time, she was the one holding my hair back and making sure I was in bed okay. I owe it to her that I'm not drinking every day, replacing water with vodka and carrying my flask everywhere I go. I even tried to rekindle what I had with Paige around Thanksgiving but it just didn't work out. I tried to love her the way she loved me, but I just couldn't, and she could sense that. There will always be a place in my heart for Paige, but not the way she deserves. She's been with me through some of the worst parts of my life and I will never forget that. There was a point in my life where I loved her and I was happy, but that point has dulled and I can't be for her what she wants, or what she deserves. Part of me thinks it was wrong of me to get back with her when I knew it wouldn't get far, I didn't want to act like… I wanted to break up with Paige after New Year's Day so neither one of us had to spend it alone, but with A officially gone since a few weeks later, it was easier to stay, she was safe and comfortable. Valentine 's Day came along and I thought it was wrong to be her Valentine but she got me a gift early, and I didn't have the heart to do it then. A week after Valentine's day is when I did it. I couldn't keep lying to her or myself anymore, plus I thought should have time to find a proper date for Prom in May. I sat her down outside my house on my porch and let her down as easy as I could. I expected for her to yell at me and blame it on Alison again, but she just sat there and listened, letting tears fall slow but constant down her face. She apologized for not being what I wanted and said we could still be friends, we should stay apart of each other's lives, and I agreed. I'm just glad we ended on good terms. But before she walked away from my porch, she turned around and said, "Oh and Emily? You deserve the best, someone who loves you and is honest, who will take care of you and your heart. Promise me, you won't settle for anything less?" I looked at her and tried to process what she said, but I couldn't, I just nodded, and she half smiled before saying in an almost whisper, "I love you, Em, I always will." And then she left.
I went to sleep that night thinking about what Paige had said, and more importantly, what it meant.
That was a month ago.