CHAPTER 3

Emily's POV

March

I woke up this morning with a migraine, I guess thinking all night, probably wasn't the best thing to do, and neither was the scotch. I know I promised Hanna I wouldn't drink away my problems anymore, but I was so tense, I just needed to relax, and it was only a glass, or two. I was still thinking about what Paige had told me awhile ago. In January, A was finally gone and just last month I became single, I should be living up these last few months of Senior year, but I'm not. Just as I turned to roll out of bed, I got a text message and jumped slightly. Even though A is gone, I can't help but always feel jumpy or nervous when I hear that sound. I grab my phone to see who it is, probably my mom, making sure I don't just stay in bed all day, which I've done several times over the past month. But it isn't my mom, it's Alison. I delete the message and only 2 minutes after I received another one, and another, and another…and then the phone calls started…which I also ignored and sent to voicemail.

She practically called, texted, left voicemails and knocked on my door every day since she managed to make our lives A free, and I've completely shut her out since. I should be proud of myself for standing my ground, but a part of me knows that it's all a mask, worn to cover up the feelings I've been trying so hard to suppress. I've been on guard for awhile but know I can't avoid her forever. I still have to see her at school, spending every second looking over my shoulder to avoid contact. The girls have let her back in, having had a sleepover where everything got resolved just a few months ago…I respectfully declined my invitation. But it sucks to do this every day, because they have to choose between me and her every day, practically scheduling when to talk to whom. Avoiding Alison every day means avoiding Spencer and Aria and Hanna on some days. It's taking a lot of energy for everyone to keep this up, even my mom is tired of lying, turning Alison away at the door because I'm "sleeping or in the shower or am not feeling well," she knows that I'm hurting because of her but thinks I should talk to her. When I contemplate that idea, I think about the night I yelled at Ali. I was so mad that I believed her and stuck up for her against everyone, and she was planning on leaving her out of her plans again and throwing us all under a bus that I'm sure she'd drive. I was mad that I spent every day since she left thinking about her, hoping that she was alive, yearning for her touch and missing her playful laugh, or blue eyes and the way she always smelled like warm vanilla, but I wasted so much of my time loving someone who didn't love me back. So much time gone, given to someone who didn't care what she did to others, so long as she had her way. But that's what I get for being the loyal one; I just couldn't believe it took the sociopathic A for me to realize that.

And the only way to stop seeing her is for me to get away, far away where no one can find me and I wouldn't look back.

Alison's POV

I can't take any more of this. 5 texts and still no reply, I wonder if she ever actually opens them, let alone reads them. I even called her 3 times, all ignored after the first ring.

Ali- Hey Em, its Ali, call me back

Ali-Look I know you're upset but I think we should talk.

Ali-Please stop shutting me out, talk to me Em

Ali- I'm sorry. For everything, please just answer me

Ali-I miss you

Two months of this and I was desperate. I couldn't sleep at night. All I ever thought about was Em and her smile and what I would do to see that smile, better yet to be the cause of it. It was driving me nuts, I knew Emily was stubborn, but I couldn't believe she was this stubborn. I wanted, no needed to have her back in my life. She always brought the good, what little there is, out of me and I missed that, but her shutting me out like this, I- I- it was a whole other kind of pain. And the worst thing was I didn't even a chance at making it up to her if she never let down her walls, so I called Hanna.

"Hello? Ali? Is everything okay?" I could hear the worry in her voice.

"Yeah Han, calm down."

"Sorry, it's just- I mean I know A has been gone, but you usually don't just call, so what's up?"

"Um, well I mean it's hard for me to say, I- I- It's-"

And the words wouldn't come out, why wouldn't they? Dammit Em, why'd I have to care for you so much? Oh, yeah that's right; because you're the only one who actually gave a shit about me even when I was a total bitch. You were the one who always seen the best version of me, you always brought out what good was inside, but why did it take me so long to realize that I lo- But then Hanna's voice snapped me back to the present.

"Yeah Han, I said I was fine, it's just, it's Emily, okay, it's been weeks and she hasn't returned any of my phone call or texts messages and don't get me started if she sees me in public, and oh- her mom is even turning me away telling me she's sleeping…at 4 in the afternoon?! Oh bullsh-"

But Hanna cut me off, "Woah there tiger, hold on, what are you saying? Do you actually miss you're little Em-Em?" I couldn't see Hanna, but I could hear the smile in her voice.

I myself couldn't help but smile at the sound of Hanna teasing, it was a serious matter to me but Hanna was good at making others feel somewhat better, using her goofy antics. I love her for that.

I sighed heavily when I realized she was still waiting for an answer, "Yes Hanna, I miss Em, I miss her a lot," I didn't mean to say a lot, I wasn't sure if I was ready to admit my feelings to the girls when I haven't even told Em yet, I told Hanna anyway, because Emily had always found a way to make me feel vulnerable, even when she wasn't around.

It wasn't long until I realized I was wrong again, there was no need to hide the pain or yearning in my voice, if Emily was ever to believe that I cared about her and really missed her, then Hanna and the rest had to believe it too. I awoke from my reverie when Hanna continued.

"You really do love her this time, don't you?"

"Of course I do, I always did."

"Well, I hate to cut it to you, again, but you sure in the hell had a shitty way of showing it."

I sighed heavily again, thinking back to how I had treated the only person I had ever loved, "I know Hanna, and no one feels worse about that than me."

"I bet Emily does…I'm sorry Ali, I didn't mean…"

Ouch, another dagger thrown right at my heart. But I was the one who provided them with those daggers, so I embraced the sinking feeling I started to get in my chest. "Yes you did, Hanna, and its okay, I know you're just looking out for her, but I swear I'd never do anything to ever hurt her ever again."

"Hmm, alright Ali, I can live with giving you another chance, but I swear to God you hurt my best friend again, break her precious heart another time, or let her shed one little tear, I'm coming after you. You won't be let back into my life, and I'll make sure you stay out of Em's. She went through so much pain after your disappearance and when the police said they found your body, she…well I don't need to recap on every detail, do I?"

"I get it Hanna, I can respect all of that, but I won't let her down, I won't let any of you down…not again."

"Ok just make sure you're making promises you can keep, I'd hate to be the bad guy."

"Hanna, I just want her back. I need her back. I messed up so bad but how can I convince her that I've changed if she won't even give me a chance?"

"Ali, I'll be honest, you two were always drawn to each other, I know I say stupid things and act dumb but I was not stupid when it came to you guys. I seen the way she'd look at you, I seen how happy she was when you came back, I seen after how hurt she was, she still couldn't help but love you still and when we first thought you were A, she defended you. I also seen the way you'd look at her sometimes, even if it was only for a second, I seen you loved her back. You guys were like each others' Krypton."

Haha oh Hanna, there you go again, "Kryptonite, Hanna, its Krypton-ite."

"What? Who cares what Superman called it, all I'm saying is I know you have a chance, deep down Em still loves you, she's just being cautious."

It hurt thinking that Em might be scared of me, cautious around me so I couldn't use her or hurt her again. It made me so frustrated with myself.

"Thanks Han, but it's already the end of the year, pretty soon we'll all be parting ways, I can't let her go, if she goes away without telling her first."

"Well, give her some time, it's only been like 5 weeks, but who's counting, right? I'm sure she'll come around, it's just, well you know we love you Ali, we're still mad as hell but we still love you, it's just that Em loved you too. She really deeply and passionately loved you, more than as a friend and in a way that you didn't reciprocate-

Tears welled in my eyes as I listened to Hanna tell me something I already knew yet chose to ignore for so long, pretending I didn't care…

"Wait, did you just say "reciprocate"? AAAND use it correctly?"

"Yeah, stop sounding so surprised, we ARE friends with a Hastings, remember? I guess she starting to rub off on me."

Haha good old Hanna, I'm sorry for all the years I bullied you for your weight, you'll always be beautiful no matter your size.

"Haha yeah, I remember, but seriously, what do I do about Em?"

"You can start by apologizing for everything, like"

I cut her off before she could make me feel bad again "I know Hanna! You don't have to recap on that!"

"I'm sorry but I don't know what to say or tell you. I don't know how you can get her to open up, she's trying to close wounds you gave her so letting you in might hurt her more than you'd realize, right now, she needs time, besides, why did you call me, Aria is the romantic one, and if there was a formula to find how you plus something equals Emily talking to you again, you probably should've called Spence."

"Well I don't have much time, I called you because you're her best friend, come on Han, help me out."

"Ummm, okay! I've got it; meet me and the girls at the Grill in an hour, exactly an hour."

And then she hung up before I could even question her; that Hanna, it's a mystery how she thinks, but I trust her, so I went to find an outfit for later.