AN: You guys have probably heard the whole "I've been so busy" speech from many authors. But seriously. In the past week, I've had testing, got 10th place in a county spelling bee, watched Not What He Seems, went roller skating, to a basketball game, a scholastic bowl tournament, youth group, and had homework and piano. So sorry for not updating. Anyways, I hope you guys enjoy! Sorry again for the late update, and remember to leave a review!
Sunday, July 1st:
Okay, so I read through this journal. Here are some things I noticed:
Over time, I've started to like my parents less and less.
I've went from just researching Goth stuff, to having my own (albeit small) collection of Gothic stuff stashed in the back of my closet.
I've become more apathetic while becoming more thoughtful. I feel hurt, and feel remorse, and think things through (too much sometimes), but I'm getting better at not showing my emotions. Well, besides happiness. I still show happiness. And anger. And a little joy. And very few times I'll show sadness (in the form of long silences). So, in reality, I guess I'm not very apathetic at all…
I've made two traditions: Tuesday nights with Uncle Jem (I still miss those) and Tuesday nights with Grandma (which lessens the hurt- I'm not apathetic!- of losing the previous tradition a little).
I'm a hypocrite. On November 13th I wrote that I was afraid of change, but on June 28th, I said I wanted change. I guess I'm afraid of change, because in theory, change takes everything we've ever known and completely warps it. But it doesn't. Most huge changes come all at once, they sneak in in parts, so that your mind subconsciously knows that they are there, and yet you don't really think about them all that often.
On June 20th, I forgot to write a poem. Oops.
I didn't mention my 11th birthday (June 23rd) at all. It went pretty good. I got an ultra recyclo vegetarian (although my parents refer to it as vegan. I don't know why- you can say it both ways and ultra recyclo vegetarian sounds so much more cool) friendly cake. I also got some pink dresses (yay) that will meet my (new) black spray paint (I got it yesterday) ASAP.
I'm really getting sick of being the "chaos in the family." It's like whenever something goes wrong, it's my fault. I will admit that sometimes it is my fault- sometimes on purpose and sometimes accidentally-, but a lot of times it isn't
Mom and Dad get in a fight over some adult thing, and it's my fault, because my negativity put them in a bad mood. I say something sarcastic, and suddenly those two can't go on their anniversary dinner. I close a door harder than I meant to and suddenly I have a delinquent attitude. Seriously: I AM NOT THE CAUSE OF ALL THE EVIL IN THE WORLD!
I try to forget about all of their comments, because I end up depressed if I don't, but it's hard. I don't want to be this evil human being who causes everyone's misery. I want to be myself: not a goody two shoes, but not evil, just me. But when I forget their comments, then I mess up again, because I don't care enough to get better.
I don't want to be perfectly good.
Good has too many restrictions,
You have to perfect all the time
And a good role model too.
But I don't want to be bad,
Bad people hurt others
And I really don't want to cause someone pain.
But if I'm not good, and I'm not bad,
Then what am I; who am I?
I want to be a real person,
A person who tries to do good things
But messes up on occasion.
A person who changes the world for the better
Yet isn't the poster person for kindness either.
I don't want to be perfectly good,
And I don't want to be bad,
I want to be me.
And that was that.
Bye for now,
Sam.
Thursday, July 5th:
Yesterday was Independence Day. I love the Fourth of July: freedom and fireworks for the win.
Colors light up the sky.
Not like the waves of sunrise
Or the hills of the sunset
Or the calm swoosh of the rainbow.
Fireworks are anything but calm,
Bursting into sky in bouts of color
Never boring, never calming.
It's always a surprise to see what's next.
Huge and sparkly, they are anything but discreet
They are noticeable and exciting,
Appealing to everyone, especially me.
That's all I have for today.
-Sam.
Friday, July 27th:
Goth collection:
Leather jacket (made with fake leather, of course)
Combat boots (two pairs)
3 black plain t-shirts
8 pairs of colored jeans: four black, two purple, and two grey
Purple and black headphones
Mp3 player
Black-with-silver-spikes bracelet
It's coming along nicely. The new bracelet I made yesterday with some extra fake leather I found in a pocket in my jacket (I don't know why it was there)and a glue gun. It wasn't all that hard. I just glued two ends of the 'leather' together than glued some plastic spikes (not huge, but noticeable spikes) I found in a craft store on.
Inventing me.
Who am I?
Am I a stereotype,
An archetype?
An original or a copy?
Sometimes it seems like
That my main mission in life
Is simply finding me.
Identity crisis much, Sam?
Oh well,
See ya,
Sam… or is it?
AN: Thanks for reading! Once again, sorry for the late update-I try to update this story weekly. I hope you guys have a great week, and reviews, favorites and follows are greatly appreciated! And GF fans, Not What He Seems was epic. And I didn't even believe in the Stan twin theory. But back on topic. Thanks for reading and see ya next week!
See ya,
InsanityIsClarity… or is it?