SORRY ABOUT THE ERRORS. THEY ARE FIXED.

AN: So I haven't updated on here in a while. I've been grounded. But now I'm not grounded. I'm back, and so is Sam. And so I bring you, Chapter 18, Three Weeks Grounded.

Monday October 1st, Day 1:

Dear Journal,

I got grounded. For a whole week, no TV, no friends after school, and no computer or MP3. Talked back against my mom, then argued with my dad about talking back. So stupid! They just don't get it- I can't live up to their expectations. And I know what they're expecting of me. They told me so. They told me who I was when I was younger, when I was 6 and 7. How I was so full of wonder and curiosity. How they want that girl back. But I can't even remember that girl, much less be her! What do I do? HELP!

Wish me luck,

Sam.

Tuesday, October 2nd, Day 2:

Dear Journal,

I am admittedly nervous to write in you today, mostly due to the fear that what I write in here will only prove what everyone around me already apparently believes to be true: that I am evil. I do not want to be evil, and sometimes I get the hope that I am truly a good person, but soon enough that hope is shattered.

I have read stories about those who take a hit to the head and forget who they are. I wish that would happen to me! To not remember my anger, or hurt, yet retain my personality seems like a dream. Without all of experience clouding my mind, and without preconceived anger and hurt dictating my action, I might finally be me in my purest form. And then maybe I and others would both find that I am not evil.

But then I, in truest form, might truly be evil. Without my memory reminding me of those I love an without reasons for my (admittedly low) self-control, I might truly be a horrible person. I hope not.

In other news, I got in another argument with my parents and am now grounded a week and three days.

Sam.

Thursday, October 4th, Day 4:

I'm now grounded for a week and five days. GRRRRRRR.

Sam.

Saturday, October 6th, Day 6th:

Its two weeks now. And I've stopped caring.

Or at least I hope I have.

Sam.

Tuesday, October 9th, Day 9:

Two and a half weeks.

I want to not care, but I'm so angry. I find that I'm angry a lot. At least I still see Danny and Tucker at school. They're the main reason I have any sanity left at all.

Monday, October 15th, Day 15:

Dear Mydol Pain Pills,

I have used you on leg cramps and stomach aches before. Now let's see how well you work on emotional pain. Don't worry, Journal, they won't kill me. All they'll do is put three cups of coffee's worth of caffeine in me, so maybe my thinking won't be as straight, but still straight enough. I'm sure you'll do fine, my friends, either by numbing my mind with caffeine or sleep depriving me to the point of numbness. Why might I need you, you ask? Well for months my mom has been telling me how sick she is of my behavior towards her and my dad. And for the first time, I see her point of view. I am a horrible, selfish person. And I am so sick of myself right now. Hence I need to numb my brain. Thank you for your service!

Sincerely,

Sam.

Wednesday, October 16th, Day 16:

Dear Journal,

The Mydol pills did work. I'm grounded for three weeks now, although being grounded really isn't as bad as everyone makes it out to be. All you have to do is forget that you are missing whatever it is you are missing and remember what you do have. I miss looking up dark poetry online, so instead I have been writing my own not-so-dark poetry. I was missing my music, so I pulled out a CD player and listened to some oldies music. I'll include some of my poetry in here.

Sometimes it's best not to ask questions,
Out loud or in your head.
Sometimes the answer isn't so easy,
And some things are better left unsaid.

I spend more time in fiction than I do in reality
And tend to zone out constantly
Growing up legitimately scares me
Why be confined to maturity?
You can enjoy the real world, as it's your home
But I live in a world of my own.

One day, one week, one week and a day
Add a day, add a day, never take one away
I regret nothing but know I deserve this
It'll end eventually, I hope
Until then I guess it's just me and my pen,
Grounded with only my imagination.

Not-as-angrily,

Sam.

Saturday, October 19th, Day 19:

Dear Journal,

I'm sick of being angry, sad, and unforgiving. I'm tired of blaming others and pitying myself when really I'm just being self-destructive. I want to be kind, to be considerate. I know it'll be hard, but with the help of God and my friends, I think I might get there someday. I didn't think I could fix myself, but now I think I might be able to. So I'm under construction. Effective now.

Wish me luck!

Sam.

Monday, October 21st, Day 21, Final Day:

I did change, and I haven't been grounded any more days. I get my stuff back tomorrow! I feel a lot better now that I'm not constantly angry. I don't know how long this will last, and I'm still Goth, but it feels good to be happy and I hope it lasts long. Although I know from experience that now that this problem is solved, I'll likely have another problem to deal with.

But I'll cross that bridge when I get there.

Happily,

Sam.

AN: This was partially based off of my 19 days of grounding, that just ended Wednesday. In fact, parts of it are just slightly altered versions of a journal I kept for my self during that time. This one chapter kind of came out as a mini-story almost because it was a mini-story to me. And as Sam does when she learned to let go of her anger, I feel relatively happy now too. Plus I graduate the eighth grade tomorrow, so there's that.

Wish me luck,

InsanityIsClarity.