CHAPTER 11
Alison's POV
"It's because of you okay?" I could hear the tremble in her voice as she almost whispered and in that moment I wanted to make it go away. I came to terms-again-that I had caused her so much pain in a time in her life where she was more vulnerable because she was finding out who she was. I shouldv'e been there to make it easier, not taunt and make it harder. My chest swelled with pain as my body felt waves of regret come over me. She looked in my direction and I felt the air between us turn tense, she was angry now, her words were angry, "I drink to numb the pain that only YOU have ever caused! I drink so I can try and forget you, I don't want to believe that you've changed, it makes it easier, but no matter what I do, or who I'm with, I can't get you out of my freaking head!" There was no doubt about the angst in her voice as she finished, the way it was on the verge of cracking was unmistakable. I was breaking down her walls, and even if I didn't want it to be in this way, it was happening.
I looked up, slowly, in shock, half because of what she said and the other half because how she said it. Realization hit that I had heard her voice, Emily's voice, not the cold tone I was getting used to hearing, but the voice when she had said 'you,' it was the soft voice of my Emily, my sweet Emily. And she sounded like she was in pain. I shouldn't have pushed and I know I should say something, but I couldn't, she realized that and continued.
"Dammit Alison, you still don't get it, do you?! You broke my freaking heart."
Her eyes were glossy and her eyebrows creased above those eyes and I immediately felt my heart jolt and tears form in my own baby blues.
"More than once, too. You broke it over and over and after each time I tried to mend it, I tried, but I was stupid, I let you back in, thinking maybe it'd be different, maybe you would be, but you never were, you broke it again, like the way I felt had never even mattered to you. You laughed in my face Alison, made me feel small and stupid for having those feelings and I believed you, I believed I was the only one who had those feelings and they were dumb. But I was just a game to you right? Your personal practicing buddy for the "real thing" right?! Right?! Answer me!"
I stood there with a steady stream of tears rolling from my eyes to match hers and I had nothing to say, I know a simple 'sorry' wouldn't even scratch the surface, yet she stood there still waiting so I said the truth.
"I-I- don't know what to say, I-"
She just shook her head, slightly disappointed. "God, even after you disappeared I never stopped thinking about you, and even when they said you were -dead, I hoped you were alive. I couldn't believe it, I didn't want to. I pretended that you were playing another game and you were waiting for me to find you, and I hoped that once I found you, I got to keep you. But you didn't show up, not when it mattered anyway, so I thought that if you were really dead, that I should be dead too, just so I'd get to see you again. I would've done it Ali, I would to be with you, but you never loved me anyway, so it wouldn't have mattered…You destroyed me Alison. You don't know how it feels to have the only person you've ever been in love with; the only person that you care about, be taken away from you and out of your life, but I did, and I spent two years feeling that way."
I stood there, looking into the glossy brown eyes belonging to the only person who mattered to me. I felt tears well in my eyes again and I was past trying to fight them off, I let them roll clear down my face to stain my blouse and burn their marks in my skin. I listened to Emily as she let out her frustration and I could see the physical pain she felt while yelling at me this way. The little crease above her eyebrow had formed and stayed there and her voice quivered and she was crying too. I felt my heart grow heavy in my chest and a lump formed in my throat, it was getting harder to breathe with every word she said. And my chest hurt, I could feel my heart aching. She was right though; I thought that by telling her those lies I was protecting her, but all I was doing was making scars on the most beautiful heart there ever was. Emily was right; I put her through so much pain, so how could I ever make it up to her? How could I prove how sorry I am? How could I make her believe in me again, let alone love me? As she finished and I heard her say that I had no idea what it felt like to be shut out by the only person I've ever loved, I realized it was the one time since she's been here that she was wrong, because I do know. I know because I've been feeling that way for weeks.