AN: So, I'm a high schooler now... which means I'm inherently more lazy. So motivate me with some reviews! And enjoy the chapter! Also warning: mentions of death of a character never seen in the show.

Oh, and if you review, let me know if you think I should bump this up to a T or not.

Thursday, January 18th, 2002:

Dear Journal,

You probably noticed how I now put the year with the date. I figure, if I'm going to be writing in you long term, and it appears I will be since I've been writing in you since August 2000, I'd want to add the years. I might change it back later, but for now, it's staying like this.

I've found myself avoiding mirrors lately. And by lately, I mean the past three or four days. I just look in the mirror, and see someone I hate. My glasses, my brown eyes, (someday I want to get purple contacts, but I don't think my mom will ever allow that to happen), my entire face just reminds me of various people. I roll my eyes, and my facial expression looks like that popular girl's that I can't ever seem to remember he name. I smirk, and I look like Dash before he starts wailing on some small kid. I smile, and I look like my dad in his always-happy mode. I frown, and I look like my mom when she's disappointed in me.

I might be stretching some of these a bit, but still, it's scary to look at yourself and see something that's not you. Or at least I think it's not me... am I like those people?

I am glad, on the other hand, that my hair looks so much like my grandmother's, and that my eyes (when I'm not rolling them) don't remind me of anyone. It reminds me that I can be like my grandmother (whom I absolutely want to be like), and, more importantly, I can be like myself. It's nice, to not have to think of yourself as a version of someone else.

And I do think I'm a relatively good person. I mean, I don't cuss (and you'd be shocked how many sixth graders in my class do), I try to be generally polite to people I don't really know and adults, and I don't go out of my way to hurt someone. So I think I'm a good person. Relatively.

Friday, January 19th, 2002:

Um... I think I just broke a universal law. I'm not even kidding. I just woke up this morning, put part of my hair in a ponytail, and looked in a mirror. And I could see the end of the ponytail, and my hair, but the middle of it had completely disappeared! And the end itself was sticking straight up!

I'm legitimately scared right now. It's not everyday that someone wakes up and breaks the law of gravity.

Help!

Monday, January 22nd, 2002:

Dear Journal,

Have you ever gotten the feeling that underneath the world you see is a layer unknown, a layer only seen when a little bit of the mask pulls up and lets you peer through?

Okay, so that was overly poetic, I know. My brain is just so muddled right now... I can't comprehend the news I just heard, and I know that I might never be able to. But let me back up a little and tell you what's happening.

Valerie Gray was always an... okay person, honestly. She rolled with the popular crowd, both her parents made good money, and everyone knew it. She was a cheerleader, a basketball player, and a generally okay person. She'd never been overtly nice to me or my friends, but she was never mean. I consider her to be one of the more decent people in our grade.

It was a running joke- the good kind, the kind that had everyone, including Valerie and the teacher, laughing- that Valerie had the perfect life. Two young, beautiful parents, popularity, intelligence, athleticism, you name it, she has it. That's why I was so shocked when I walked into school this morning to hear whispers in the hall about Valerie. And as I listened more closely: I found out that the whispers were true and what they were about.

Valerie's mom died yesterday.

I... I don't even know what to say about it. No one deserves to lose their parent, especially not someone as... okay... as Valerie. How do you even get over your mom dying? I know I don't have the best relationship with my mom, but I can't imagine just waking up and her not being there.

How do you even move past the loss of a parent? How does one cope? I feel so bad for her.

I feel so bad for her. For Valerie, a girl I always told myself I didn't care about really, and I feel bad for her. I really do. It's... I don't even know how she could possibly be dealing with this.

And somehow... it feels like my world view is shattered.

Somehow I can't wrap my head around
The fact that something bad happened to you.
You always seemed sort of invincible-
Always perfect, always happy,
A picture of American ideals.
Someone most people loved
And everyone at least tolerated.
You're a genuinely good person,
You had a truly perfect life.
But, it looks like life had other plans,
And I am truly sorry.
How could something bad happen to you?

Goodnight, Journal,

Sam.

AN: There was this kid in my class, a kid nicknamed "Perfect Peter" that I never really talked to but never really disliked. And I learned today from my sister, who learned from a friend, that his mom died yesterday. And now, like Sam, my world view, is different. And maybe I shouldn't look at people like they have a perfect life, because no one does.

Goodnight,

InsanityIsClarity.