Thursday January 25th, 2002

I am not even sure how I can convey my anger properly with words, Journal. I have a, in my humble opinion, pretty good vocabulary for someone only in the sixth grade, but I know no words that accurately portray the sheer ANGER! coursing through my veins right now. But I'll try to explain nonetheless.

So there's this new girl, Paulina, who has been here since after winter break. She's the kind of girl who spreads false rumors just to make school more interesting and knows everyone, yet most dislike her. She's popular, but more in the sense where most like what she wears and everyone knows who she is than it is people like who she is.

And you know what she does today in the hallway before lunch? She walks right up to Danny and flirts her little eyelashes and asks him to do her homework for her. And Danny, poor Danny, I could practically see the hearts in his eyes. He stammered out a sure, and stood awestruck as she dropped her books in his hands and sauntered away.

Then Danny goes, "Did you see that? I think she likes me." No, Danny! She doesn't like you, she likes the fact that you're a pushover who can get good grades. But I don't think I can explain that to Danny. And Danny doesn't get it. He doesn't get why I'm so mad about this.

I have seen Danny do homework at lunch, at recess, in class. And it usually it isn't his. Whether by intimidation or guilt-tripping, about a quarter of our grade has gotten Danny to do their homework at some point or the other. I've seen it happen, and it angers me, but I don't have proof and Danny denies it every time. And now freaking Paulina wants Danny to do her homework too!

I CAN'T TAKE IT! I can't take people using my friend, one of my best (only) friends, like that. And I know Tucker can't take it either. And quite frankly, this is the last straw.

Paulina is going down.

Friday, January 26th, 2002

Journal,

Paulina got Danny to agree to giving back her completed homework during lunch today. So being the good friend I am, before first period this morning, I discretely watched Danny put his combination into his locker. Or at least tried to be discreet. Danny noticed me staring and asked if I was okay, but I told him I was and he left it be. 16-36-30.

Then, during English class, my first period, I got myself excused to use the bathroom, everything going according to plan. I walked through the hallway towards the girls bathroom, but stopped at a certain locker first. Stopped and hastily entered a newly-learned combination. Reached in and found a packet of papers with a girl's pink signature on top.

Finally, I went to the bathroom, and put the packet in the sink and turned the water on full-blast. Waited until the papers were damaged beyond repair, then grabbed a paper towel, wrapped the papers up in the towel, and threw the soggy lump away. Returned to class, and waited for lunch.

When I had pictured lunch, I thought it was going to be a momentous success, a victory for everyone who was tired of being manipulated and used. But during my entire planning period and throughout the execution of said plan, I forgot one thing, one key thing:

Danny wanted this.

Maybe he didn't want to do her homework, but he was obviously happy with the attention she gave him, even if it was the wrong kind of attention, in my opinion. In my opinion.

And when lunch rolled around, and Danny couldn't find the homework he promised Paulina, guilt showed up. At first I really didn't understand it, but within a few nanoseconds I deducted why I felt that way.

Danny is his own person. His own being with his own brain, thoughts, wants, and decision making process. It was his decision to agree to do Paulina's homework (even if it was a STUPID decision he made while he was halfway into lala land), and I really shouldn't have interfered with his choice (even if he shouldn't have made that choice in the first place!).

Despite still believing (and I still do) that I had the right idea even if I didn't go about the right way about it, my guilt increased when Danny asked Tucker and me to help him look for the homework. Danny and Tucker searched and I "searched" for about fifteen minutes before the wicked witch herself showed up.

I'm not even going to include what it was like watching Danny flounder around that over-maked up preteen, or apologize an apologize and apologize, because I feel if I did include that, my guilt would only increase.

So long story short, Danny was sad but resilient from that brief mix up, and Paulina probably won't be asking Danny for homework help anytime soon (something I'd consider more of a victory if it wasn't a loss for one of my best friends). Danny didn't figure out that it was my fault that his work went missing, but he didn't have to: my guilt was big enough for the both of us.

Although, even with my guilt keeping me in check, I still want to ward Paulina off. To keep her away from Danny, and Tucker too while I'm at it. Today did that, but with Danny being the science expert of our grade and Tucker being the history genius (I'm the math wiz), it won't hold her off for long.

I want her to hurt. I want her to hurt for trying to use my friend. I want her to hurt like she's undoubtedly hurt others before. I want to hurt her for what she's done and what she's capable of doing in terms of emotional pain!

Calm down, Sam.

Okay, I'm good. I think I just have to remind myself of one thing:

My happiness is more important than her misery.

Sometimes I get so wrapped up
In what others deserve
And how I could go about it
That I forget about myself
(for once in my life)
And my needs and my wants.
Can I not just focus on being positive
Instead of always being angry?

So that's not one of my better poems, but whatever. You get the point.

Sam.