Tuesday, February 26, 2002

Hey Journal.

So I haven't written in here in a month. I'm not really sorry about it either. There wasn't too much that happened. We got snow, St. Valentine's Day happened (and the story of St. Valentine is a surprisingly morbid one- why we celebrate love on his death date, I will never know), the anniversary of Uncle Jem and I's last Tuesday night came around, and we got more snow.

Speaking of Uncle Jem, he's still looking for jobs near here, but he's been looking for months, so I don't think it's going to happen.

Last year that news would've crushed me. But this year not so much so. I still miss him a lot, don't get me wrong, but Tuesday nights with Grandma Mason are really fun too, in their own way. At one time I would've thought that combining the two- going out with Grandma and Jem- would double the awesomeness, but now I think it would just be really awkward.

Really awkward, or worse- Uncle Jem and Grandma would start having an "adult" conversation and I'd be forgotten.

I think I'll just take things the way they are now.

I know I've written a poem before (I just flipped back a few pages and read it) about moving on, but I just kinda want to say something.

I knew moving on would mean being content with where I'm at. But it's only now that I'm realizing that with moving on, I'm learning I never really needed Jem as much as I thought I did. I still miss him, but I don't need him.

Maybe I never needed him.

No, wait that isn't entirely true. He helped me through one of the loneliest times of my life. I will never be able to repay him for that. I may not need him anymore, but I still need the peace he created me with every Tuesday night.

Grandma Manson is different than Uncle Jem, naturally. When she first moved in, she was really sad. Her husband of 30 some years was dead. It was understandable.

It was understandable, but I'm really glad she's gotten better. It was slow going at first, but she's much happier now, I can tell.

It's scary to see someone you love as sad as Grandma was.

There hasn't been anything to write about for the past month, and there still isn't.

Sam.

P.S. My ponytail still defies gravity, and I've worn it quite a bit, but aside from a few offhanded comments, no one has really noticed.

P.P.S. HOW DO PEOPLE NOT NOTICE SOMETHING LIKE THAT? (Oh well, I'm coming to the conclusion that a lot of the residents of Amity Park aren't too smart in the head.)

Friday, March 4, 2002

Dear Journal,

I thought being an apathetic Goth would be fairly easy, considering I'm a very unemotional person.

It's not easy.

And I think it's mostly because I made the decision to become emotionless before I met Danny and Tucker.

Danny...

OH GREAT. Italics, and three dots following his name.

This is just in my mind, just the product of culture constantly telling me that romance is a good thing. I don't seriously have a crush on Danny Fenton, not on my best friend. No.

No, no, no, no, no. Yes... NO! I'm not even sure what a crush is, how can I possibly have one? Where even is the line between friendship and crush-ship? But then, wouldn't crush-ship be the mutual crushing of two people on each other? It doesn't matter! I don't have a crush on my best friend, I just haven't had a friend in a while so I don't remember how you're supposed to feel towards a friend.

(But I don't feel this way about Tucker.)

Okay, so I've been forced to watch enough teenage drama movies with my mom to know that I'm in denial. And I'm not going to waste all of your time, Journal, on arguing with myself over whether I have a STUPID crush or not.

Because I do have a stupid crush. But I WON'T let it make me stupid. I'm not going to giggle or flirt or blush around him. That'd be downright cliché and idiotic.

So what do I do? Nothing. Sounds like a plan, Subconscious!

New thoughts in my head
Make my smile and shake my head.
Oh what a lovely thing young love is...
Wait what?!
Who said anything about love?
This is just a crush!
I don't quite love anyone yet...
And I'm still the same person.
Nothing has changed,
Just my feelings a little bit...
But I'm still the same!
Still the same Sam
Still the same as I always am.

(Okay that last line was cheesy.)

Sam.

AN: So this chapter was a bit short (Sorry, not sorry). REVIEW! Do it... dooooo iiiiittttt. JUST DO IT!