**Hey everyone, so I think I fixed my computer problem! Yay! Also I want to thank everyone who left a review, it really means a lot to me...so THANK. YOU. 3 thanks for understanding, for encouraging me and waiting for these updates...so, taking liberty of the title of my story, "I'm Sorry I Kept You Waiting." Haha that's punny...(if you didn't get this joke then I've seriously failed as a writer...I'm sorry) Anyways, back to what is important, which is this chapter and the next ones that will be uploaded shortly after this. and just a heads up, beware because the next 2-3 chapters are M rated so if you're uncomfortable with some steamy Emison, this isn't the story for you, but if you are like me, and totally ship it...then you're in for a treat. ;) I hope you guys enjoy this, so let me know what you think?**
Chapter 16
Emily's POV
After agreeing to satisfy my hunger (with food, of course), Ali drove us until we were a good 30 minutes out of Rosewood, and suggested that we eat takeout food from this small restaurant that she had been to a few times before. I contemplated questioning her further about this but decided against it because if I was to trust Ali again, I should do just that, trust her, so if that's all she wanted to say, or for me to know, then that was fine. For now. But I won't lie, letting Ali back in is what I'm most afraid of. I'm scared I'll never be exactly what she wants; I don't want to be temporary to Ali. She's like a tattoo on my heart, painful, but permanent, a constant reminder of the hurt, yet the selflessness I had, and know I still have, when I was with her. She's a part of who I am that I can't just erase of try to cover up…I want to keep her with me forever.
It's easier said than done, I know. I know all too well how it feels to get my hopes up and have them let down. It's true that the higher you are, the harder you fall, and when I loved Ali back then, irrevocably and unconditionally, I felt like I was on top of the world, but the worse thing about that was that when I thought she was there on top of the world- our world- with me…she wasn't.
I know I've agreed to go on this spontaneous trip with her, but I'm still trying to come to terms with why. I know I love her, and deep down, I never stopped and maybe I never will but I couldn't deal with loving her in a relationship if she never loved me back the way I love her. I dread thinking of the day, if ever it comes, that she breaks my heart, again, but I'm willing to let her go…as painful as I know it will be, I would do that. I believe that I could, for her, if that what she wants. And even then I'd still be putting her before me. I know people would think about how stupid I could be to love the person who's continued to put me through a great deal of pain, but that's what I know about my love for her, it's limitless, unwavering even in the most violent of storms.
If the day comes that she lets me go, I could let her go too, because that's what they say right? If you love something, let it go? So why wouldn't that apply to if she let me go? I don't know…love works in mysterious ways. Nonetheless, I would shove my feelings for her into the deepest of depths of my heart and soul and put up with whatever illusion of happiness I can find. It's a terrible thing to think about doing…to accept the love of someone else and be willing to love them back, but I know I'd never be able to love anyone the way I do Ali.
No one can set my skin on fire with the slightest of touches the way Ali does, no one can warm my body from the inside out with an embrace the way Ali does, no one will ever melt me with a smile the way Ali does when she smiles or throws her head back lightly while she laughs. No one. No one but Ali causes a million butterflies to flitter in my stomach when I see her. No one will ever take my breath away as our lips touch the way I lose my breath when Ali kisses me. There will never be anyone but her and that both excites and terrifies me, it rattles my bones and I've never felt more alive. But going through one more heart break…I don't know if I'd survive. I could shove the feelings aside, but who would I be? Another alcoholic? Another washed up coulda been? A pathetic girl who never got over a breakup?
Nothing made sense right now. I know I loved her but I know I wouldn't be strong enough to have her leave me again…Or could I be? I don't know. I don't know. I just…don't. I was already completely destroyed by her and it's taken me years to reassemble the pieces. Maybe I should have said no to all of this. Maybe I should have dealt with the excruciating pain of walking away from her. Maybe I should be content with loving her from a distance, growing old, alone, because my heart didn't belong to me anymore, and it hasn't for years…I gave my heart away, or it has stolen, whichever, but my heart stopped belonging to me that very first day I laid my eyes on her.
I sighed deeply and shut my eyes. All the thinking was starting to give me a headache. How could I expect Ali to tell me, show me, prove to me her true feelings, if I couldn't even understand my own?
We arrive at the restaurant, it's the first time that I stopped thinking and opened my eyes to reality and as I wait in the car (another one of Ali's suggestions) while she gets out to order our food, I realize that not only have I been deprived of food, but I've also probably only had a few hours of sleep, so I ease my head back until its cradled in the shape of the headrest on the seat and let my mind rest, trying to take a quick nap before Ali gets back.
Alison's POV
There it is again. There she goes, and wherever the hell there is, that's exactly where Emily has gone. She has barely said a word after the whole playful tease…and that was thirty minutes ago. She doesn't even notice me…is completely oblivious to what's going on around her, just staring blankly ahead, beautiful brown eyes turned emotionless by whatever thoughts are bombarding her mind. I would ask, but it seems too personal…oh, what I'd give (again) to just have a window to peek into her mind. What is she thinking about? Who? Why does she keep turning stoic and back to the sweet Emily I know, into the angry aggressive Em and back again? What internal trigger is she hiding?
It makes me nervous. So nervous, that I feel the cold beads of sweat trickle down the back of my neck, even though it was a relatively cool day outside. I feel the palms of my hand sweat onto the steering wheel and I squirm a little uneasy in my seat. I want to say something, break her out her trance but the words get caught in my throat, never breaking the surface and reaching Em's ears, but rather they stayed, echoing in my head.
I have a feeling, an impossibly heavy one, that sets itself on top my heart, that she is thinking about me, us, if there even is an us and what this trip is all for. She is probably guessing why I'm doing all this, what scheme am I playing at? But I'm not and I'm too stuck to say so. I know too that words won't be enough, Emily can't just hear my feelings and sincerity, she has to see it…she has to feel it, in her heart. I'm hoping this trip will do just that.
I continue to drive, letting my own thoughts carry me away to the depths of my own heart, while absentmindedly driving to the restaurant. As we get there, I suggest to Em that she stay in the car so we can get to where we're going sooner. As I unbuckle my seat belt and turn to close the door, I still a glance at her face and notice that she's just 'gotten back' and I also realize the deep inset to her eyes, the puffiness and darkened areas under her beautiful brown eyes. I don't dwell too long because I wanted to go back into that car and hold her so she could sleep the tiredness away, so I go inside quick, ordering what I thought would be easy to eat in the car, two turkey wraps to go and two drinks.
I waited 15 minutes, glancing every few minutes to check on Em, but my view was never clear, it was always constricted by someone's head, a car, and the people walking on the street outside. They call my order and I pay quickly, say my thank you's and walk with a brisk pace back to my car. I get to the door and see Em, with her seat and chair tilted back, eyes closes and hands folded together across her stomach and I can tell from the slow and steady rise and fall of her chest that she's well asleep. I couldn't dare to wake her up; I know how much she needed sleep, so I get in as quietly as I could and continue the drive.
As I drive in the silence that's only interrupted by a shift in Em's movement or a slight snore, I let my own thoughts roam, loose in my mind. I think mostly about the beautiful woman next to me and question if I'll ever be able to be enough for her, or even if I deserve her. I don't know what made her say yes to this, I was expecting to have to beg and plead on my hands and knees or have yet another door slammed in my face…and on my heart. I was prepared for the worse and this, this was far from it, so I was still in shock, I still question if this will ever work out, as much I want it to. If she doesn't take me back, I think I could let her go, again. But this time it would be different, she'd go and move on but she'd take a part of me with her, she'd take the best part away from me, the only thing that ever made me a better person was her, so if she left, what more would I be, other than some cruel bitch that hasn't changed since high school. Em was, and is the only one to make me feel the way I do when I'm with her; like I can finally be who I want, who I was always meant to be. If she ever left me, I'm afraid I'd turn cold and heartless…I couldn't let her slip through my fingers…not this time around….not ever again.
It's been two and a half hours and Em is still sound asleep. It makes me think; just how long did she stay up on my porch last night? But that doesn't matter right now; I can let her sleep while I find our destination. I'm excited because I know if she manages to stay asleep for just a few more minutes; it'll make the surprise that much better. We reach the edge of the woods by nightfall and I strain my eyes to see the small signs on the side of the road. I know it's here somewhere. Ah, found it. When I see the right sign, I turned onto the narrow dirt path and continue to drive. The path is bumpy, jostling Em's head from left to right. Oh please stay asleep I think and when I stop the car just about hundred feet or so from 'the spot,' and look at her, she is. I cut the engine, retrieve my bag with some of Em's 'surprises' in it and walk those about one hundred feet until I'm at the base of a small hill. Looking up I see it, the place that I'll confess all of my secrets and love…the place that I vow to make Emily Fields fall in love with me all over again: Lover's Peak.