Friday, June 7th, 2002:

Journal,

Sorry I haven't written in you recently... I've been thinking. A lot.

I wonder, is this who I really am? I see all the bad things I do and I wonder if I'm really this much of a jerk. Or am I just wearing a mask? Sometimes I purposely make my opinions and actions over exaggerated... saying things I kind of mean but with much more intensity than I actually do. But I'm not faking... just making myself louder.

But then I wonder if me being loud is a good thing. Maybe the things I'm saying aren't good things and maybe I should just shut up.

Shutting up is hard.

So I keep talking and hope I'm not as much of a jerk as I sometimes can be.

It's worth it sometimes, the doubt and over exaggeration, when I make someone laugh. Like today in science I made a few loud jokes about how I'm shocked Paulina and Dash haven't started sucking face yet. I know that it was a mean comment, and probably was more than a little insensitive to Danny, but then... Danny laughed. As well as Tucker and the few people around us (Valerie, Karen, Jake, and a few others) who heard me tell the joke.

Insensitive? Yes. Mean? Yes. Funny? Yes. Made other people smile? Yes.

Worth it? I don't know.

In other news, I kind of rage quit a computer game today... big time. I got so mad (the player I was playing against IS A FREAKING DIRTY CHEATER THAT SHOULD GO EAT HIS FLIPPING SHORTS!), I punched my computer screen. It fell to the hardwood floor and the fragile glass cracked.

I swear every time I think there's no way I could be more stupid, I get more stupid.

Ugh. My computer's broken, and now I have to come up with a plan to either hide it from my parents or tell them about it... not going to be fun.

On the bright side, the computer still works. The screen glitched a few times after I turned it back on the first few times, but now I'm good. My laptop is working, but still I look at the cracks on the screen and wonder:

Is this what the fourth wall is like? You never really notice it's there, dividing reality from fiction, until it cracks a little and the barrier is oh so noticeable. If it cracks some more, will it break entirely? If I drop my computer again and the whole glass shatters and falls apart, will everything on my computer escape into reality? Can't say I'm not tempted to find out.

Sam.

Saturday, June 8th, 2002:

Hey Journal.

So yeah, I'm in one of those moods. You know, the mood where you're just kind of tired and don't feel like talking? Where you just kind of comply with everything cause you don't feel like arguing? It's the mood you know will pass by the next morning, but boy do you feel like crap when you do experience it.

My own experience with the mood today involved doubting whether my opinion even matters, whether any opinion even matters, and whether, even if they do matter, people even care.

Not fun.

I wonder if this is who I am. If I'm the truest version of myself. If I can't completely forget my biases, the least I can do is not care enough to put on my masks of over exaggeration.

But then... I'm not a quiet, demure person. I'm loud, and opinionated, and mean, most of the time. Just because sometimes I just kind of give up, doesn't mean that that's the real version of me. It's just me being tired. But if I'm not as much of a jerk as other people think, and I'm not quiet and polite... what am I? What version of myself is real?

Is there even a real version of myself, or just a bunch of different versions of myself that all add up? But they are never all in the same place, so no one has seen the "real" me?

I don't know.

Sam.

Sunday, June 9th, 2002:

Guess what?

I figured it out.

I was in the car today, and we had this calm music playing, and I was just looking out the window at the pretty sky and it hit me: this is the real me. I'm not loud and insensitive at my core. I'm not quiet and sad either. I'm calm. I stop to look at skies, and listen to the lyrics in music. I take whatever life gives me, and try to make it funny. I try to be helpful in whatever way I can.

But wait... is that who I really am? I want to say yes, as the person I just described sounds amazing, and yet, I can't say that's quite who I am. Yes, I can be calm and peaceful and helpful, but that's not who I am all the time, or even most of the time.

So that leaves the question: If I'm not loud and annoying, and I'm not sad and quiet, and I'm not calm and helpful, who am I?

Help me figure it out!

Sam.

Monday, June 10th, 2002:

Dear Journal,

Looking back on this I realize, I'm not loud and annoying or sad and quiet or calm and helpful... I'm all three! Just not always at the same time. I am all at different times, and sometimes traits combine. I am all and more too.

I've made a pact to accept myself.

Sometimes I'm loud and annoying, and sometimes I'm quiet and sad and sometimes I'm calm and helpful. And sometimes I'm loud and helpful or quiet and calm or annoying and sad. And sometimes I'm cheerful and quiet and sometimes I'm annoyed and loud and sometimes... I'm a lot of things. But most of all, I'm me.

I'm done going between thinking I"m a good person, and thinking I'm a terrible person at the drop of a hat. I'm just a person.

I'm just...

Sam.

Tuesday June 11th, 2002:

Oh man oh man oh man. I still haven't figured out how to tell my parents about my computer, and I accidentally bumped the bottom of my desk today and...

The cracks are spreading.

AN: Hey look what decided to show its lovely visage in my mind... A PLOT! Stay tuned and review please!

This chapter is dedicated to me and my new (and now newly broken) laptop. Wish me luck either hiding it from or telling my mom about it...