Me: Arrrrr, kelle611 be stoned.

Mims: That she is…

Cautai: Kelle is also in a lot of pain.

Me: Okay…collecting self…hehe. Um…right so I'm a little high right now thanks to some pain killers. They are prescription; I have them for legit pain. I'm having a tiny…huge…joint pain flare right now and even as I type this it's actually going into my hands. Lovely. The purpose of this chapter is that I found out it's talk like a pirate day, thank you radio, and that is unofficially Zack's holiday. But I didn't foresee having to be on pain killers while writing it, so please excuse the crappiness I'm sure is about to follow. And don't give me crap about faking high…Amanda…because I'm not. I have a very high drug tolerance and can suppress the effects for limited periods of time. Anyone else who has been on pain killers for an extended period of time knows that you can do it with enough practice.

Disclaimer: I own vicodine, no Final Fantasy rights.

Warning: Written while stoned and in pain. And kelle611 fails at talking like a pirate in real life, how is she supposed to properly write it?

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Sephiroth stared at the report before him taking in the details of a mission to Junon as fast as he could. It hadn't been a smooth mission, mostly because Zack had discovered he liked the local rum, and now as General Sephiroth had to decide how to deal with his second in command. His PHS went off, the shrill ring cutting through the silence that had surrounded him. With a sigh, the silver haired man grabbed the device. "General Sephiroth," he said shortly.

"Help me," a hushed voice whispered.

"Cloud?" Sephiroth sat up straight at the desperate tone, "What's the matter?"

"It's Zack," Cloud said softly, "He has some more Junon rum and thinks he's a pirate."

"He thinks he's a pirate…"

"Yes! And now he's after my booty!" Cloud said a little more loudly.

"Arr, there ye be!" Sephiroth heard Zack shout, "Get yer lily livered arse over here and let me plunder yer plank."

"SHIT!" Cloud yelled and the call cut off.

"Gaia damn it," Sephiroth sighed as he ran a hand over his face. There was no helping it; he was going to have to deal with an inebriated Zack. Leaving his work on his desk, the General quickly made his way back to his apartment, frowning slightly when the sounds of Cloud cursing could be heard from down the hall. Cracking the apartment door, the silver haired man stopped dead. "What in the name of Odin is going on in here?!" he demanded.

"Arg!" Zack held up what had to be a mangled shower curtain hook, "Ye shalt not take my wench!"

"If you don't kill him," Cloud snarled, "I swear to Gaia that I will tell Hojo that you want to do extra experiments."

"I'm not going to kill him," Sephiroth sighed, "But I'd like to know why you haven't already."

The blond sent Sephiroth a glare that would have had a lesser man shaking in fear of losing some very…precious anatomy, but the silver haired man just shrugged it off. He really was wondering how exactly the blond had gotten into his current predicament. Cloud was currently in a lovely purple dress; his blond spikes decorated with bows and pulled into several pigtails, and tied to a chair. "Stop eyeing me wench!" Zack cried.

"Zack…you're drunk…"

"Arg," the raven haired man stumbled forward and the smell of rum washed over Sephiroth, "That I be."

"Knock his pirate ass out!" Cloud yelled.

"Zack, I'm only going to tell you this once," Sephiroth said slowly, "If you don't untie Cloud right now and go take a cold shower to sober up I will throw you to the Turks for the night."

"Bite me pretty boy!" the first class jabbed the hook at the General, "I be plundering that there booty!"

Not waiting for another word from his second in command, Sephiroth unsheathed Masamune, sliced the bindings around Cloud cleanly, resheathed his sword, and grabbed Zack around the waist, throwing him over his shoulder. "To the Turk drunk tank it is," the silver haired man sighed.

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Me: Short, yes. Do I care? No. I am in pain, my pills wore off, and I'm cranky. Deal with my unplanned short chapter and shut the fuck up.

Mims: ...that translates to, 'I love you for reading and please review'. She's just in pain at the moment and isn't the nicest when that happens.

Me: Yeah, what she said. I'm going to go curl up in a ball and die now. Next chapter of Holiday Surprises really will be Bosses Day and is on October 16th.