A/N: Yes, yes. I know I said that this story was in hiatus, which is why I'm a bit surprised too. I guess real-life family problems can never the stop the fan-writer within me.
Or this could just be my coping mechanism ;w;
Either way, hope you enjoy the fifth chapter!
-…-
Chapter Five: She Will Be Gone
The process has stabilized, Sir…
That's great. We can now be rest assured with a smoother sailing of the rest of the deletion. Good job, Doctor Lani.
…Is there anything else that we can do?
As of now, none. Aside from monitoring the patient. You're free to get some rest for now…
No, it's fine, Doc.
Are you sure?
I'd rather stay here in case you need me, Doctor.
…If that's what you want then…
The night was getting deeper, and yet the Prism Tower was in full life as citizens and tourists alike gather on the highest of its floors, patiently waiting for the much-anticipated annual fireworks display. Everyone was accumulating by the portico, trying to get a suitable spot that can give each one of them the best view.
But all were moving and pushing in vain as the greatest spot possible was already occupied by a young couple, standing next to each other in silence, fingers intertwined as they listen to each other's breathing, waiting for the next words to come.
…Doctor?
Yes, Doctor Lani?
Do you like poetry?
Poetry?
As in… poems… Rhythm and rhyme?
I know what poetry is, although… Why ask all of a sudden?
Well, I've always liked poetry. I find it amazing that some people can actually put in so much feelings and emotions within the constraints of rhyme and rhythm. It's art…
Hmph…
And… While I was watching this boy's expression for the whole of the process, this one poem came to mind.
Oh?
Are you familiar with Ranier Marie Rilke?
I've heard his name from time to time… Why?
He wrote this poem I was talking about. It's called 'You Who Never Arrived'…
"Pretty, right?" X asked, adjusting his hold to the girl's hand. The girl just nonchalantly nodded her head, not taking her eyes off of the breathtaking view of Lumiose—Kalos' capital city—bathed in both artificial and natural light.
X bit his lips, fidgeting with his necklace with his free hand as he tried to find the next words to say. Y was too silent. And she has been this way for the past few days. It made the boy uneasy, as Y was always the outspoken one in the same way that he was always just the listener.
It's either something was wrong, or that he was just overthinking. Again.
"You know," he began, feeling his voice suddenly hitching as Y finally averted her gaze away from the view and into his blue-grey eyes. Y had pretty eyes, he stupidly reminded himself.
"W-When you told me that you've never seen Lumiose during nighttime, I thought 'what a waste', since, for the most part of my travels, this is the second most beautiful thing I've ever seen…"
"Second?" Y repeated with a knowing smile. X awkwardly nods.
The first one is you.
Y suddenly smiles, her shoulders shaking slightly as she let off a giggle.
"Well, I'm glad you brought me here," she said, returning her gaze. "I've been in Lumiose thousands of times, but I never really tried and see its night life… At least, not from its highest point." She looked up at the boy.
"I never really knew you can come in here without having to reserve. I've heard you needed to go through hell and back to even get a reservation here." She eyed the tourists as they struggled around the portico. "And on these days too."
X smiled shyly as he lowers his cap.
He just did.
There was a soft tapping from somewhere, and X turns to one of the higher rooms, and found Clemont, the tower's concierge and a good friend of his, looking down at him. He raised a thumbs-up sign to X together with a wink, and X returns with a nod.
A crucial power outage almost destroyed this city, and Clemont and the rest of the city wouldn't have been able to do anything without X's help. It was thanks to the vast knowledge of interacting with wild animals he's gotten from reading books that he was able to drive the beasts stopping Clemont's team from fixing the plant. And although it was a bit of ease for someone like X, Clemont still insists that X should be thanked appropriately, and so starts X's endless nights of trying to convince Clemont through phone that it was indeed nothing, and no, he does not need to arrange for X to be able to reside in the Prism Tower with him.
And then X found out about the annual fireworks display and the privileges people like Clemont had by actually having easy access in the highest point in Lumiose.
X stares at the small smile forming in Y's face and he couldn't help but proud at himself.
For once, he did something useful.
That sounds like an interesting yet saddening title…
Doesn't it? It's one of my most favorite poems… I've even memorized it!
Really?
Yeah… I can be a geek like that…
No, no! I think… I think that's nice… I would to hear it…
Heh… Okay. It goes…
You who never arrived
in my arms, Beloved, who were lost
from the start,
"Hey…" he called out softly, and despite the noise everyone was making, Y heard it. She turned abruptly, looking up at him with wide questioning eyes. The boy bit his lips, trying to suppress away whatever hesitation he had left before speaking again.
"Before the fireworks begin and we lose the chance to talk, can I say a few things?"
Y looked at him questioningly, but nodded nonetheless.
At that, the boy took a deep breath and placed his fingers around his necklace, and then took it off. He willed himself to examine it one last time before grabbing Y's hand and placing it there.
"X, your favorite necklace…" came Y's breathy voice.
X bit his lips and smiled.
"When I was a kid, there was this brand of cereal I've always loved. I forgot what it was called because you and I both know that I care not for those kinds of things." X bit his lips again as he pressed it even hard to Y's palm.
"All I know was that I loved it, and I always looked forward to when my parents come home from working overseas with truckloads of that cereal, just for me."
His breath was hitching and his voice was failing him. X tried his best to contain himself before continuing.
"Now this brand," he continued, raising one hand to wipe a tear away. "It has this gimmick where one every fifty boxes would contain a prize. And the prizes differed. And I know that you know me well enough to understand that I wanted that prize so badly that I would religiously finish each box with so much bravado that it almost became the only component of my meals." He held her hands tighter.
"But then my parents died, and… things changed. And around that time, I was close to finishing the last box I owned, and the morning before your mom came to my house to deliver the bad news, this necklace fell out of the box." He rubbed the plastic gem with his fingers.
"I really thought it was a stupid thing to win, and I was supposed to throw it away and try again, but then…" He bit his lips as the tears just came flowing.
"Yeah…"
The girl acted immediately, and in gentle, deliberate movements, he enclosed the shivering figure in her slender arms, rubbing her hands against his back affectionately.
"Y…" he breathed, breaking away and wiping his tears. "For the whole part of me suffering at the death of parents, you were there. And even if I am possibly the worst person to be with when emotional, you put up with me. Two years is too much, even for me. But you stayed…" He looked at her in the eyes tenderly as he smiled through the tears.
"Thank you."
I don't even know what songs
would please you.
Y, too, was crying. They both were, and they stayed like that for a few minutes before X was able to clear his voice and finally got what he wanted to say.
"Happy anniversary," he said. "Please never tire of taking care of my heart, and I hope that I am still enough for you despite what I am."
Y looked up at him tenderly, ready for her reply. But as she opened her mouth to speak, loud booms filled the air as the fireworks began.
X was momentarily distracted as his head was turned to the evening sky, mindlessly letting Y's hands go.
I have given up trying
to recognize you in the surging wave of
the next moment.
The lights blinked and danced along to the sound of distant booms mixed with the "ooh"s and "aah"s of people. X's shoulder's jolt every now and then at the sound of explosions, but nonetheless, he couldn't break his gaze away. The lights have hypnotized the boy and it was pulling him towards the edge of the balcony.
"X?"
His eyes widen even more as the fireworks get more intense, and his lips slightly part at the thrill of watching the sparks fall towards them but fade away before he could rech out and catch them.
"X?"
All the immense images in me
"Y!" he cried excitedly, turning his head to the direction of his beloved. It was dark, but still he could feel the sea of faces looking back at him. None of them was Y's.
There was sinking feeling in his stomach.
"Y?"
the far-off, deeply-felt
landscape, cities, towers, and bridges,
The fireworks grow intense even further, and the people around him get over excited, and start crowding to the front, where X was standing, frantically searching for Y. He could feel the bodies pushing against him, making him freeze a little as he tried to excuse himself, shouting for Y's name.
"Y!"
The dark night flashes and dies in a subtle rhythm, giving him only snippets of images of the crowd, making it almost an impossible of a chore for him to find her. But still, he knew that even in broad daylight, he might not be able to find her.
She's nowhere to be found.
"Y!" he cried again, pushing aside a body only to be blocked by another. It was as if everyone at that portico was there to hinder him from advancing.
"Hey," he was shouting. "Excuse me! I'm trying to—HEY! WHY THE HELL ARE YOU PUSHIN—HEY!" A large man lunges forward and pushes him harshly, letting him fall to his bottom. X was about to lash out at the man when the man suddenly disappears as a debris fell to the space between the both of them.
The boy couldn't believe his eyes. He looked around, and saw even more debris falling in scattered places, narrowly missing the tourists. And yet, they didn't seem to mind, and just proceeded in trying to get their own good spots.
Prism Tower was falling down, and none of the people seemed to notice it.
A child was sauntering somewhere with a crepe on her hands, and X watched as she along with the other people paid no heed as a piece of falling metal just hovered above her. He acts quickly and thrusts himself forward, pushing the child away.
The two of them crashes at the tiled floor. The people just walked over them.
"Little girl, are you okay?" he asked as he laid the girl in his arms. The nonchalant look on the girl's eyes confused him.
She gently breaks free and saunters off, leaving X sitting on the ground again, dumbfounded.
and unsuspected turns in the path
and those powerful lands that were once pulsing with the life of the gods
"Y…?"
He tried to stand again, trying his best to find her despite the thousands of unfamiliar faces flashing before him and the rather unending blinking of lights that made his eyes strain.
"Y!"
His head was pounding, making him wince. Still, the people just walked over him. Ignored him. Stepped on him.
Where was she? Y… Y was nowhere… Y was… Y was deleted…
X's eyes popped open.
Y was deleted.
He raised his head, looking at scenery obliterating in front of him.
Y was deleted by the process. Y is gone.
His face contorted into pain.
Y is gone.
He tried to stand, but gravity pulled him back to the ground, and he just lied there, listening as the sound of concrete breaking and metals bending loomed over him like a eulogy.
Y is gone…
all rise within me to mean you
And on cue, his eyes begin to spin and ache and just kill him, but he doesn't move. He doesn't curl up into a ball, nor did he scream. He just focused on the tourists' feet as they move around him, indifferent. Tears streamed from his emotionless eyes as he waits for this memory to be deleted as well. The same way his Y was deleted. The same way his Y from earlier memories, as well as his Y in the memories to come, was deleted.
The same way Older Y was deleted.
He just allowed it.
The same way he just allowed Older Y to leave him.
"Hummingbird…" he moans.
Because he knew that no matter how much he cried or run, he couldn't stop this anymore.
you who forever elude me.
… Doctor? What are you doing?
I'm only resetting a few memories back to re-erase them. The virus has proved to have destroyed a great deal of information—enough to require us to go through them again.
You mean…?
…It has to be done, Doctor Lani.
X opens his eyes, silently wondering to himself if he really did fall unconscious, even for just a little bit. Because he certainly felt like he didn't.
It was as if the whole time he was suffering from another dizzy attack, his whole being was still conscious, still aware of the silent destruction happening around him.
He raises his head a little, and looks around. The place was now covered in complete and utter darkness.
With some effort, he was able to push himself to sit up. He examined his surroundings again, and found that the room wasn't just dark; it really was just an endless space of pure black. The ground he stood on was black. Hissurroundings were black.
Everything… Everything was just pitch black.
"Hello?" he called out. No one replied. Not even his echo.
X involuntarily cupped his hands against his shoulder even though he wasn't really feeling cold. In point of fact, he wasn't feeling anything at all but pure emptiness. It was as if he was at the pit of his own mind.
And what are the chances that he wasn't?
"And how was Unova?"
X's head immediately turns to the source of his own voice. Suddenly, his surroundings began changing. Shrubs, trees, and fields of grass were filling the scenery. The distant blaring horns coming from what seemed like ships can be heard, and the smell of saltwater wafted through his senses.
All of a sudden, he was in Cyllage.
"Unova was fine, albeit tiring. Too urban for my tastes. The skyscrapers were so high, it makes me wonder how planes can even fly over them." It was Y's voice. It was Y's voice giggling happily with his own.
X couldn't believe his ears.
He followed the two voices as he ran through the fields of Cyllage, feeling the sinking feeling in his stomach grow worse.
This was a memory that was supposed to be erased way before. Why were they playing it all over again?
He hurried himself, and it did not take him long to find the X and Y from this memory. And he had come just in time to reach the scene which had made this memory special.
X watched as his other self goes down on his knee and presents a small, red box to Y. He's never seen so many emotions collate into one expression the way Y had done as she looked down at X.
He remembered only seeing the surprise and joy in Y's eyes that time, but now, as he looked at her from where he stood, there were so much more in those eyes.
Distress. Doubt. Fear. Frustration.
They were all there.
X looked to the ground and sighed.
How blinded was he? And for how long?
X sighed as he pushed himself to turn his head away. As much as possible, he wanted to preserve that memory the way he had first remembered it: joyous. But after seeing that, he was just happy to remember that it did happen. Even for a short time, he can tell himself that he was happy.
Before they erase everything for good.
He takes a step forward, and finds the grassy field shift again, from fresh foliage to white tiles. The smell of saltwater was replaced by the smell of antiseptic, and the sound of ships blaring turned into soft murmurs of people in white shouting commands at one another.
X was now in a hospital, in the middle of an almost full hallway, ignored by doctors, nurses, and normal people alike. And he ignored them back. He was too busy reminiscing.
"X?"
He turns, and finds Y looking at him, her eyes wide with surprise and worry as she walked towards him. X had never felt more afraid.
"X, what are you doing out of your bed?" she asked, grabbing both his arms with concern, completely oblivious to fact that she was talking to an X one or two years older than her.
The boy just watched her, a grim look in his eyes.
"Come," Y said again, gently grabbing him by the hand, pulling him. "You need to go back to your room. You're still unwell!"
But X wasn't listening. X was too busy feeling his heart ache even worse as her hand held onto his even tighter. X was too busy forcing himself not to cry.
Y's hand… Y's hold… It all felt so compassionate that it made his chest burn.
At this time, did Y love him? In this very moment, was she sincere? Or was everything, even from the start, just her being trapped in the situation, having no choice but to say the words she had uttered and had kept on uttering to him?
Because her touch… her voice… her… her everything—they all seemed so real. So real that it hurts.
"X, what's wrong?" Y asked, reaching up to brush away his tears. "Why are you crying? Where does it hurt? Tell me…"
"Please, stop…"
Y looked at him with concern.
"Stop. Or I'll believe again."
"What…?"
He raises his hand and gently brushes her hand away so he could wipe away the tears on his own. It was about time he learned how to.
"X…" Y grabs his hand and pulls him to the waiting area where several rows of chair stood. It was almost half empty.
Y leads him to an empty chair at the front row, and pushes X to sit down. It was only then that he realized that he was immensely exhausted and he wanted nothing but to lie down and close his eyes and disappear forever.
"Tell me what's wrong," she said, holding both his shoulders.
"I'm tired…"
"Well, if you're tired, then you shouldn't have…"
"I'm not the real X…"
"What are you talking about?"
X looks up at her, and watches her face, trying to find whatever he could point out that he can use to convince himself that she was lying—that it was all just an act.
But there was none, and X hated himself for even falling, even if it was just a little bit.
He looked down and choked on his own voice.
"I'm not X…" he said again. "I'm not your X…"
Y only blinked in sincere concern. "What are you saying?"
X winced, feeling a lump forming in his throat as he tries to open his mouth again.
"I'm not your X…" he repeated in a constrained voice. "You…You're not my Y…" And with a final choke, he added: "My Y is gone…"
"But X, I'm here…" Y replied, holding his face in both her hands. She lifts it up gently, making him face her. It took the boy more than enough courage to let his eyes meet hers, and what he saw only confused him even more.
Y's eyes were tired no doubt—the dark circles under her eyes were weighing her beautiful blueish grey orbs down, but still, despite the weariness, there was sincerity. There was love.
There was Y. His Y.
X wanted nothing but to throw up.
"I'm here, X… I'm not going anywhere anymore. I'm here. I'll never leave you."
"But you will!" X cried, pulling his face away from her grasp. He almost stumbled off of his chair from the force but was able to pull himself together before he could. However, in the heap, he made a mistake of looking at Y's eyes again, and the pain was just as worse as falling.
Her eyes were filled with so much concern.
"You will…" he said again, softly this time. And weakly. His voice trembled along with the rest of his body.
"One day. You will get tired of me… And all this!" He gestures upon his whole self, trying to see if her expression will change—he knew that she knew what he meant.
But Y's face remained intact. Her eyes barely moved to follow his hands. They remained in his, and it was killing him. It was killing him that his whole body was reacting positively to her stare.
He feared that he was falling too desperately without a fight.
"You'll get tired of me one day, Y… Because you will have to sacrifice everything for me—your dream, your life, your happiness…All of them! For the sake of this broken piece of crap who's never done anything good for you… Who did nothing but complain. And cry. And whine. And hurt you…" He bit his lips as tears began swelling in his eyes. His muscles eased up as he lifted his hands to his eyes and whimpered.
"And you'll want to forget me," he whispered. "Forget you ever made this decision. Forget you ever met me…" He sobbed like a child—something he hasn't done in years. His shoulders trembled and his voice hitched, disturbing his words with occasional hiccups.
Y could only watch, afraid of what he might do if she touches him. X knew it wasn't going to be pretty if she did.
"And then one day, you will. When it's already too late, you'll forget me. And I… I'll forget you, too."
I'm erasing you, and I'm happy!
X bit his lips to stop them from quivering, but he couldn't. It only made him feel worse. It only made his lips bleed, and this time, not with hurtful words of farewell, but with real blood.
And for once, X could finally feel the pain of these lips—the numbness of saying something while meaning another was now gone.
Y's hand was already crawling their way up his trembling arms, and thankfully, X was not acting as violently as anyone of them would have expected. She tried her best to catch his gaze as she did, and when she's finally reached his shoulders, their eyes were once again locked against each other. Before X could say anything, she immediately pulls him in and wraps him in a tight and loving embrace.
"…I love you so much, X."
X could only cry even more as he looked up, trying his best not to give in and hug her back. Because he knew she will leave. She will be gone. Like the rest of his Y's, this Y is going to disappear.
His Y will always disappear. He should've known that.
"I'll never, ever leave you behind. I'll always love you…"
"You don't mean that…"
"It's fine if you think that way."
"You don't… You don't mean that, Y… You don't…"
X dared open his eyes and he watched breathlessly as the walls begin crumbling down and the ceilings begin caving in. He watched the floors crack and doors as well. He watched the posts and the plants sway, and he watched as everyone but himself ignores everything and just go on with their businesses. Just like that. Just like they always did. They walk over him, ignore him, all unaware that his world was crumbling before him.
Only Y stayed. Only Y understood. Only Y…
Y moved a little, but nevertheless regained her hold on him. She lifted her face to free her lips from his shoulder.
And then she began singing.
"Oh my lovely, oh my honey…
Oh my darling Hummingbird…"
He finally looked down at the girl whose arms were wrapped around him, and silently reminded himself that this destruction marks her disappearance as well. They will pull her away from him again, and leave him chasing her shadow until he tires himself. Until he had no voice to call out her name.
"Oh I love you, and oh I need you…"
Tears still in his eyes and his voice still broken, X buried his face in Y's soft, blonde hair, and he wrapped his wiry arms all over her calm and serene body. And there, he continued crying. He continued reminding himself that this may be the last. The first and the last time he will hug Y.
"I don't want this anymore," he whispered. "No more… I don't want to lose you anymore…"
And slowly, ever so slowly, Y's body faded in front of him, and even if X could already feel her body slip away from his arms, he still kept his eyes shut, and his face buried.
"Don't leave me, Hummingbird…"
He remained until everything was gone and all he could see was pure, utter darkness. All there was now was him, the clothes on his back, and the small plastic ruby he was now clutching in his trembling hands.
He made a mistake of examining it and found that it was gaining cracks. Rapidly.
"No," he breathed, feeling his voice hitch again. "No! No! Please no! Not this memory! Not this one, please!" He clutched on to it tighter, pulling it close to his body as if to protect it.
"Please let me keep this memory," he pleaded. "Just this one memory! Please!"
He looked up and screamed:
"Doctor! Can you hear me?! I don't want this anymore!"
He looked down and found that the ruby was still breaking.
"I don't want this anymore…"
He opened his eyes carefully, hoping that something must've changed. But he was still trapped in that endless, dark room, still wallowing over the recent loss of yet another of his Y's. And still fearing of how many times more was he to experience the pain again and again.
Slowly, he let his lips part, and a soft melody escaped them.
"Oh my darling Hummingbird…"
He straightened himself and looked at the plastic ruby. There was no stopping its destruction.
"You were lost and gone forever…"
X has asked himself multiple times in the past if ever he deserved everything that life has thrown upon him, and this time—this is the only time—he was able to actually tell himself, that yes, he did.
He deserved this.
Before his very eyes, the plastic gem shatters, its lusterless remains floating in front him. X's eyes were grim as he eyed each and every one of them before looking down again, feeling numb.
"Dearest sorry, Hummingbird…"
Memory recollection complete. Initiating processing of the final memory fragment.
-END OF CHAPTER FIVE-
Sorry for the possible grammatical mistakes. It's already 11:40 and I have class tomorrow and my muse is screaming at me to post this regardless.