Narration: Previously on "The Mystery of Mysterion". Red and the gang ventured deeper into the wilderness of Canada to make it to North Canada. Along the way they met a giant dick without kraft, a white gangster without a gang and some annoying parrot named Polly who's about as stupid and irrelevant as Towelie was supposed to be. But after seeing a hanging Munchkin they encounter the biggest threat to their journey to North Canada…but this is a Kenny episode so absolutely none of that is important.
Chapter 20: When all else fails
Kenny's P.O.V.
I entered Skeeter's bar and went to the serving table
"2 bottles of Whisky"
I asked
"Uh I'm sorry but just how old are you?"
The bartender asked me
"Nine and a half"
"You have pine and a giraffe?"
"I'm nine and a half!"
"Oh…well look kid I can't serve alcohol to a nine year old"
"I've got 50 bucks"
"Suddenly I can, wait here"
He said as he left only to return seconds later, I was approached by Skeeter
"Aye! Nine year old! We don't take kindly to your kind round here!"
"Now Skeeter he ain't hurting nobody"
"No! No! I wanna hear something for Mr. I'm Nine over here…how come you think your grown enough to come into my bar and order my drinks!"
I took a moment to respond
"Cuz I'm nine and a half"
"Oh my bad sir…Aye! Nine and a half year old! We don't take kindly to your kind round here!"
"Now Skeeter he ain't hurtin nobody"
"No! No I wanna hear something from Mr. I'm Nine and a Half over here…what makes you think you can correct me on your age like some ten year old child!"
I took another moment to respond
"I'm almost ten"
"Exactly almost ten, we don't serve kids who are almost ten years old round here. Get out of my bar!"
"My house is too far from here"
"How far?"
"Nine and a half minutes"
"Oh! Oh so now your being a smart ass about it! Look Mr. Nine and a half you aren't welcome to my bar no mores now get out else imma put my foot nine and a half inches up your ass!"
I got up and just walked out after that statement
"Son of a bitch"
He said after my departure
"Now Skeeter he ain't want no trouble"
"You've seen one nine year old you've seen em all, all they care about is video games and toys. Out in the grown up world we ain't got time for no video games or toys he needs to grow his little punk ass up"
Suddenly there was a loud crash in the back room and the Bartender and Skeeter ran to it.
"All the alcohol…it's gone"
"Now calm down Skeeter it's was probably just-"
He stopped seeing something was still there
"What's this?"
The Bartender said as he picked it up
"Pabst Blue Ribbon?"
Cut back to: Kenny's house
"What are we supposed to do now Uncle Grandpa?"
A pizza with sunglasses said to a character on the tv show I was watching. 5 empty bottles laid around the couch and I was still drinking
"Der I don't know. I'm your Uncle Grandpa not your teacher scientist"
I laughed obviously drunk
"Ha Cartoon Network so funny ahaha"
I said somewhat slurred
"What do you think giant realistic flying tiger?"
The strange looking character said to tiger that was obviously realistic…he decided to maul the characters
"We'll be right back to Uncle Grandpa only on Cartoon Network"
I was in tears from laughter
"Ha I love that show man it's so funny"
"My son…what are you doing here?"
I heard the voice to the left of me and I looked to the right of me and responded
"Whaddya think Jeebus? I'm just watching the best TV show ever man"
He looked at the television
"Uncle Grandpa?"
He asked
"Yeah I love Uncle Grandma, my favorite character is the taco with the sunglasses he's funny"
"You mean the pizza?"
"No, no, no not the pieces Jeebus"
"Have you've been drinking my son?"
"What? No I'm just drinking Jeebus"
I took another sip of my bottle
"Besides don't you watch everybody like all the time dude?"
"I don't watch people waste their time, it wastes my time"
I took another sip
"I think you should stop drinking for now my son"
"Oh yeah and who do you think you are? My dad?"
"My son I'm just saying that because you're drunk"
"What now I'm not" *almost pukes*
"You've been looking at the wall the whole time you have been talking to me"
"I don't know what you're going on about"
"Stand up"
He said and I did so, stumbling
"See?! That was nothing"
"Now walk"
"That's easy"
"In a straight line"
"….straight?"
"Yes my son…straight"
"Okay….here I go"
I took a couple steps forward wobbly before I lose balance and fall
"See I walked in a straight line"
"How many fingers am I holding up?"
"Er 7"
"Wow you actually-"
"Hundred"
"Nevermind"
He spoke again
"But I think you should put the bottles down and help your little sister"
"Who?"
"Karen"
"Oh man I love carrots"
Jesus walked over to me, calmly before picking me up at the scruffs at my parka
"WAKE UP YOU SELFISH MAGGOT! YOUR BABY SISTER IS IN TROUBLE AND YOUR JUST SITTING DOWN YOU'RE YOUR THUMB IN YOUR ASSHOLE WHILE YOUR FRIENDS ARE GOING OUT AND RISKING THEIR LIVES FOR YOUR SISTER AND YOUR JUST SITTING HERE WATCHING THIS DIGUISTING CRAP!"
He swung me towards the direction of the TV
"Knock, Knock Pizza Steve"
"Who's there?"
"Uncle"
"Uncle who?"
"Uncle Grandpa HAR HAR HAR HAR HAR HAR!"
Uncle Grandpa said before Jesus swung me back towards his direction
"PULL YOURSELF TOGETHER, OPEN YOUR EYES! I DIDN'T DIE FOR YOUR SINS FOR YOU TO GET THEM BACK AGAIN!"
He slapped my face twice
"WAKE THE UP! WAKE UP DAMN YOU!"
He slapped me in my face repeatedly until I snapped out of it
"Jesus Christ stop slapping me!"
He put me down before brushing off his attire
"Apologizes my son, people need something to keep them going and there you go"
"Didn't have to hit me so hard"
"Now are you going to help your sister or not?"
I was still dazed from being beat the shit out of from Jesus
"I uh why?"
"Because she is your little sister my son"
"But…but she hates me"
"No she doesn't my son, you just made her mad…all siblings do it at one point or another it's normal you've just got to learn how to deal with it is all"
I absorbed his words
"The truth is even though siblings piss each other off, they need each other and even when you say you hate your siblings, deep down…you still love them. You've been protecting her for so long my son…don't stop here"
"…Jesus Christ you're right, Jesus"
"I know I'm right my son but it's sad I had to go god mode for you to understand"
"Yeah I know….sorry"
"It's fine…but I hope you realize your now a fugitive right? For stealing all those alcohol bottles"
"Yeah…"
"But that isn't important at the moment, you better get to Canada fast because your friends are in grave danger"
"Danger? From what?"
At Canada
Red's P.O.V.
"W-who are you?"
I asked the being in front of me. One thing for sure, it was no Wicked Witch of the West, it's…
"The Canadian Devil, guy!"
Author's Note: Yeeup I decided to put the Canadian Devil in here, guy. I hope you guys enjoyed this chapter of The Mystery of Mysterion and stayed tuned for chapter twani one!...That was from a vine for those who got that…y'know the whole "What's 9+10" thing…and then he was called stupid it-it's sorta last year vine…it had that kid who ran away and stuff…nevermind