Narration: Fuck it…
Chapter 22: The Muffin Man
Red's P.O.V.
"Is this it?"
I pointed out to the gang
"Well Red it says "Muffin Shop" so call me dyslexic but I'm pretty sure that's it"
"Knock it off with the sarcasm you fat dickhead it's getting annoying"
I remarked, he surprisingly didn't say anything afterwards. I walked up to the Muffin Shop, a man popped out with a chef's hat and that long, curly cartoon style mustache…and he was Canadian
"Ah? Yes, yes hello welcome to ze moofin shop what moofins can I serve you today?"
He didn't talk like a Canadian at least
"We were told to come here because you can help us with something"
I explained
"What so you come to ze moofin shop and buy none of ze moofins? What is it?"
"The uh Earl of Winnipeg said you can help us get rid the dire wolves up in Northern Winnipeg"
"Help you with ze dire wolves? Bah! I no kill ze dire wolves I only make ze moofins! I make ze blueberry moofins, ze chocolate chip moofins, ze-"
"Okay we understand you make muffins okay but he said you know someone who can help us with the dire wolf problem"
"Ah yes I do! You want to know?"
"Yes please!"
Wow this was easy!
"Only if you buy ze moofins for 2.99"
Damn it
"No thank you sir we just want to know who can help us okay?"
"Very well, ze person zat can help you is…ze moofin for 2.99"
"No, no we don't want to buy any muffins okay-"
"How about ze 2.29?"
"American money is worthless here anyway what are you going to do with it?"
"Convert it to Canadian money"
"We don't want any of your crappy muffins alright!"
Cartman said as rude as always…
"Very well, zen I no tell you ze person, goobye"
And he closed his muffin shop right afterwards
"Wait, WAIT!...Alright I'll buy ze moofin"
He opened right away after my statement
"Yes, YES! Buy ze moofin! Buy one! Here are ze moofins! Here's ze chocolate chip moofins, here's ze bluberry moofins, here's ze-"
"Tell us the person, please"
"Ha! Ze silly red haired girl said "Tell us ze person". You must buy ze moofin first!"
"…Blueberry muffin"
I said, wilting in defeat
"Ah yes here! One blueberry moofin"
I took it
"5 dollars"
"What?! You said 2.99 then brought it down to 2.29!"
"Yes but you bought ze moofin! 5 dollars"
"Ugh fine here"
I handed him the 5 bucks
"Your light"
"No I'm not! I handed you the five!"
"I said ze 6.25 yes"
"No you didn't!"
"Yes I did"
"No way! Forget it!"
"Uh-oh! My moofin shop is closing now!"
"Alright, ALRIGHT! Take it! God!"
He took it
"….7.50"
"Okay you know what NO! I gave you the damn 6.25 and you're gonna take the damn 6.25 else I'm going to take this muffin and toss it in the trash!"
"No, NO! My moofins is ze art! You don't through away ze art!"
"Uh-oh! I'm heading to the trash!"
"Okay, OKAY I TELL YOU ZE PERSON!"
That definitely worked
"So who is he?"
"I don't know his name alright but, but he is at ze Canadian prison"
"Damn there's a Canadian version of everything! Canadian Hell, Canadian prison-"
"Knock it off Cartman"
I cut him off before continuing
"You don't know his name?"
"Nobody knows his name, I don't think even he knows his own name"
"Where's the Canadian prison?"
"Somewhere in ze Vancouver! West of here! Just don't throw away ze moofin please!"
"Thank you sir. Guys! We're heading west"
I said and took a bite of the muffin before we left the muffin shop and began traveling west
"Or was it in ze east?"
Cut to: Canadian Prison
"Should we really be doing this?"
"Red do you want to get to North Canada or not?"
"I don't want to get to North Canada, I want to save Karen"
"Prisoner 404 you have visitors"
I heard one of the guards say and then he came out
"The fuck are you people?"
"I'm Red and this is Stan, Kyle, Cartman, Scott the Dick, some bird name Polly and Wayne D"
"Actually it's the Wizard King, Red"
"Whatever Cartman"
"What do all need from me anyway?"
"We were told to come here"
I answered
"By?"
"The Muffin Man"
"Ah…and just what do you need exactly"
"We need help with the dire wolves in Winnipeg, they're in our way and apparently you can help us"
"What's in it for me?"
"We will bust you outta of here"
"Red what the hell are you doing?"
Cartman asked me
"What?"
"You don't just tell a prisoner "We'll bust you out if you help us" we have to bust him out for him to help us"
"So?"
"So he could just run off a Scott free without helping us don't you know anything? Let me handle this…"
He said before turning his attention to the prisoner. That was strangely nice of him…
"So -"
"You don't need to know…"
"Right anyway Mr. No Name I don't want any bullshit from you and you don't want any from me right? Here's the deal: you stay with us and help us with the dire wolves not only will we bust you out we will buy you muffins from the Muffin Man"
I quickly turned Cartman right around
"Muffins?! That's your payment?! Muffins!?"
I screamed at him as silent as possible as to not make a scene
"Red hear me out, if he knows the Muffin Man than he must have been to the shop before right?"
"I don't know! I mean I guess so-"
"Right and he makes good muffins"
"How do you know?"
"You gave it to me cuz you didn't finish it"
"Oh..right…sorry"
"I thought you would have it figured out, you're not a blonde"
"Shut up Cartman"
He turned back to the prisoner
"Just how many muffins we talkin here?"
The prisoner asked
"All the ones you want, deal?"
He pondered for a moment
"Why should I trust a bunch of 3rd graders to bust me out of here huh?"
"Because were not 3rd graders we're 4th graders"
"So why should I trust a bunch of 4th graders to get me out?"
"Who else is there to trust huh? I come to you with a serious proposal promising to get you out of jail and you're questioning it. How long have you been here for?"
"12 years"
"12 years of no freedom, 12 years of having to suck a man's fireman to survive-"
"The fuck do mean by "fireman"? "
"12 years of being afraid to drop the soap, 12 years of taking it in the butt, how would you like to make it end tonight hmm?"
"…Deal"
"Good…one question though, how did you wind up in here anyways?"
"Oh I sold some retard a bag of "magic" beans"
"What was really in the bag?"
"Pot, I just told him to sniff the beans"
"Very nice man, very nice"
"I know"
"So we are gonna bust you out at around midnight sound good?"
"Sounds just fine as long as I get out of here"
"Fine good sir…pleasure doing business"
"Whatever"
He walked back over to us
"We get him out of here by midnight everyone got it?"
"How are we supposed to do it?"
"Simple Stan…you just have to do what I say"
Oh boy…
"Let's go"
He said and we decided to leave until I noticed him running back to the prisoner
"Oh and by the way I need help with a little problem"
"Another one? What is it?"
"Here's a hint: Do Jew wanna help me?"
"Let's go Cartman!"
I grabbed him and dragged him out. Time for prison break…
Author's note: Okay that was chapter 22! I hope you guys enjoyed it and watch out for chapter 23! I know I didn't really have much to say here…