Interview With An Idiot
CNN Interview Room, New York City March 2, 2071 AD
Walter Koenig was at a loss for how to handle his current situation. He was a news anchor for CNN, not an interviewer. Walter would sit behind his desk and talk to the camera, when an interview was required he would direct his viewers to whomever was conducting the interview. He did not understand why his boss had insisted he be the one to interview Thurgood Jenkins. Walter was also confused as to why there was an interview taking place at all. Normally, the Collective's PR representative would give a speech and answer any questions afterwords. To Walter's knowledge, Thurgood had never done a back and forth interview before.
Walter glanced up from his note cards to watch Thurgood unsuccessfully try to get the cork out of a bottle of wine. The man was wrenching the bottle back and forth, unable to get his fingers to grasp the cork very well. Walter had to wonder how Thurgood could bring a bottle of wine and two glasses to the interview and yet forget a corkscrew. Walter shook his head and glanced at his watch, the interview was supposed to start ten minutes ago but Thurgood has insisted they have something to drink first. It was a good thing this wasn't going to be a live broadcast. Not that Walter should have been surprised at Thurgood's antics, the man had shown up to the interview in a Hawaiian shirt, bell-bottom jeans, and flip flops. Image of professionalism, the man was not.
Walter understood the basics of what would be covered in the interview and he had been given permission to go off topic if he wished. Then again, it was a well known fact that Thurgood could go off on a ten minute tangent without ever saying anything of value so maybe it would be best to try to stay on topic as much as possible.
Walter's thoughts were interrupted by the sound of glass breaking. He quickly looked up to see that Thurgood had smashed the top of the wine bottle against the table which held their glasses. While a fair amount of wine had spilled onto the floor there was still enough left in the bottle for Thurgood to pour both of them a glass. Walter glanced around at his camera crew, all of which had the same confused should-we-do-something look on their faces.
"Alright!" Thurgood said as he handed Walter a now full glass of red wine. "Let's get this interview underway. Cheers."
"Right," Walter said as he took a sip from his glass and tried not to grimace. He didn't expect Thurgood to have expensive tastes but that stuff was foul. "I am Walter Koenig, here today with Thurgood Jenkins, co-Chief Marketing Officer of the Borg Collective. So before we get into the nitty gritty of the interview, I notice your job title has changed."
"You got that right Dubya, I got promoted. Bigger paycheck, better parking spot and everything. Before, I was a subordinate to Dr. Borg, now we're equal." Thurgood said he fidgeted in his chair.
"Any particular reason for the promotion?"
Finally finding a comfortable position, Thurgood settled down in the chair as he said, "Dr. B is getting old. He's been thinking about retiring, or at least semi-retiring. So I'm slowing going to take his place, kinda like jello. I ooze into position and once I'm there you can't get rid of me...unless you eat me, but that would be cannibalism which is just wrong."
"Yes, I'm sure we can all agree that cannibalism is bad," Walter said while hoping Thurgood wasn't about to make an oral sex joke.
"You know what's even worse than cannibalism? I'll tell you what: the letter Q. It is the most lewd of all the letters."
Walter knew he was going to regret asking but for the sake of moving the conversation along he had to do it. "You think the letter Q is worse than cannibalism...why?"
Thurgood leaned forward in his chair and looked at the camera crew suspiciously, all of whom decided to suddenly look elsewhere when they noticed him. Satisfied that they weren't going to listen in on the conversation (which didn't make any sense since Thurgood had a microphone attached to his shirt which would record everything he said) Thurgood whispered, "Because it isn't really a Q, it's the letter O with its penis out. It's all part of a giant conspiracy by a secret order of nudists designed to make everyone more accepting of not wearing clothing. Do you have any idea how long the English language has been around? And we've been using Q all that time, so many important documents were written with naked letters. It is terrifying what society has come to."
Wondering which one of his bosses he had pissed off to warrant this interview, because there was no other explanation as to why he would get stuck with this assignment, Walter nodded as Thurgood sat back in his chair.
"So tell me Mr. Jenkins, why is it that you decided to conduct an interview instead of a press conference, which has been the standard practice for the Collective when releasing news on their latest developments since the company was founded?"
"Because I wanted to do something different. Standing at a podium looking at a sea of faces is just so boring, none of them are happy to be there. Everyone wants their news quickly so that they can take it back and edit it to get it out quicker than the other guy. This way I have someone to talk to and you don't have to feel jealous about the other reporters, it's a win-win." Thurgood said while sipping his drink.
"And I am very glad to have this exclusive interview with you. Speaking of, let's get to the main reason for said interview. Tell the world about the Collective's most recent discovery."
"Well, the scientists have discovered something amazing, so amazing that I had to tell someone about it before I was technically allowed to. Luckily, the someone I told was the ghost of Ronald Reagan and he promised he wouldn't tell anyone. When the Great Communicator gives you his word, you believe him. But anyway, now I'm allowed to tell people so that's why I'm here. So, the news is that the Collective has discovered another dimension."
Deciding to ignore the fact that Thurgood just said he had talked to a ghost, Walter asked, "Now for the people at home that aren't that into sci-fi, can you explain what makes this such a big deal?"
"I certainly can, well I probably can, depends on how much of this wine I've had to drink." Thurgood said as he drank what was left in his glass. As he attempted to refill his glass with the broken wine bottle he continued, "So this new dimension, which has been dubbed subspace, should allow for faster-than-light travel and communication which would enable us to go out and explore space. I'll give you a minute to let that sink in."
"Well actually, I already knew about it because you guys sent me the notes beforehand so I wouldn't be totally clueless during this interview."
"Oh...I meant your audience, yea that's it, the audience."
"We aren't live, this is going to be edited later for commercials so I doubt anyone will want to watch you just sitting there in silence."
"Fine! Move it along then."
"So as I understand things. You don't know with 100% certainty that subspace exists," Walter said, double checking his notes as he did so.
"That's technically true, we haven't sent anything into subspace yet. It was only discovered when our quan...some drones were going over calculations for the newest impulse rocket engine and they noticed everything didn't add up. The only way they could get the math to work was if subspace existed. Which doesn't make a whole lot of sense to me, when I think about it. How do a bunch of numbers show the existence of another dimension? And what sort of Lovecraftian problems could they be trying to solve that required the use of another dimension to work correctly? Two plus two equals four regardless of where the calculation is done, I don't really see how this is any different."
"I am the wrong person to be asking, I never did well in math classes in school. That sort of advanced theoretical math is way beyond my ability to understand it."
"Man, tell me about it! One time I asked Dr. B why the Fountain couldn't go faster to carry stuff into space. Sure, the elevator is handy to take cargo but for people it's just a pain. He went on this long rant about the math clearly showed it was dangerous because of possible impacts, harmonic vibrations, inertia, and other big words I don't remember."
"So tell us more about subspace and the Collective's plan for it."
"Well like I said, according to the math that the drones did, it should be possible to send messages, people, and even space ships through subspace. Apparently it requires a big amount of power though. Like really big, like one of our mega-power plants big. How we are going to get a power plant into space I'm not really sure, but we'll figure something out. As for our plans, we plan to explore space and set up colonies. Heck, we already have a location on the moon picked out and crews are currently being assembled to start construction on the C.H.E.E.S.E."
"You're referring to the..." Walter glanced down at his notes, "Copernicus Hosting Environment and Experiment in Scientific Engineering, right?"
"Yea, hence why we shortened it to C.H.E.E.S.E. Dr. B wanted to call the base Luna/X but I felt that made it sound like a location in a porno."
"So what will the Collective be doing at C.H.E.E.S.E.?" Walter could not believe he just said that out loud. He was a professional news anchor and had just been forced to ask what an international high-tech development firm was going to do at cheese.
"Exactly what it says on the tin dude. We're going to host various experiments about science in our tightly controlled environments. I have no idea what a Copernicus is though, Dr. B added that part after I vetoed Luna/X."
"Right, so when will C.H.E.E.S.E. be finished?"
"Assuming everything remains on schedule, it will take a little over two years. After that humanity will have its first permanent settlement off the Earth...though I suppose the living quarters in the Zenith could be considered permanent. Sounds like something for philosophers to discuss. 'What makes a settlement permanent?' That is why we pay them after all, to debate important things like whether or not we really exist or if we only think we exist."
"The Collective has philosophers on staff?" Walter asked in surprise.
"What? No! That would be a waste of time and money."
"But you just said you pay them..."
"Yea, with my taxes. Haven't you ever looked at where so many colleges get their money from? Government grants."
"Ah," Walter said, not wanting to start a political discussion. "So C.H.E.E.S.E. is going to be research station for the Collective, have you given any thought to opening a resort of some kind on the Moon? I'm sure there must be thousands, if not millions, of people that would love to go there."
"I suppose that's a possibility, but it seems unlikely, at least at the moment. We're not making a lot of money with the current space tours we offer so it seems unlikely that we would get a lot of customers that would want to go all the way to the Moon." Thurgood said with a dismissive wave of his hand.
"Maybe people prefer having ground underneath their feet? Makes them feel safer I would imagine."
Thurgood shrugged, "I have no idea, that's something for Jeff and the drones to worry about. At the moment I've been spending most of my free time writing my book."
"Oh you're writing a book? What's it about?"
"The current title is 'How To Not Kill Your Teddy Bear and Other Cooking Tips' but I'm feel that's a little long. 'Eating Out With Rasputin' is another possibility I'm considering."
"So...the book is going to be about food...somehow?"
Thurgood stared blankly at Walter, "No. Why on Earth would it be about food?"
"Yea you're right, I don't know what I was thinking there. Thurgood, do you personally, or the Collective as a whole, have any opinions on the collective that was recently formed in China? They were able to create one remarkably quickly after they had announced that they wanted to start one."
"The Chinese live by this funny motto, 'If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.' So if you think they managed to create neural transceivers on their first attempt, you are mistaken."
"Well no...I mean, sure logically this isn't their first attempt but still-"
"Furthermore, the only reason they were able to get anything right in the first place was because they were kidnapping Borg drones! Now I get that I don't often pay attention to the big picture, Jeff tells me that a lot, but I still think allowing all those poor drones to get kidnapped was just mean on our part. Sure, we needed the materials they were giving us and we were assimilating more people in Africa then we were losing in China, but we still allowed them to die! And I kept quiet about it! I'm going to hell and be stuck with people I don't like for all eternity...Adolf Hitler...John Wayne Gacy...Hillary Clinton..." Thurgood finished his rant by putting his head in his hands and staring sadly at the floor.
Walter sat in stunned silence after Thurgood's outburst. He hadn't known about drones in China disappearing, though Thurgood was right that the information was publicly available. After someone got assimilated, it was common for non-assimilated family members to not associate with them anymore. That being said, it was also common for the families to want the bodies back after the drone died so when the body couldn't be returned it would usually cause a bit of a stir and the local police and/or lawyers might get involved.
Finally, Walter decided he had to say something. "You're saying the Chinese government has been kidnapping drones to look at the hardware in their bodies?"
"Yea, Dr. B said it was a cost of doing business in a country with a controlling government which I suppose is true. Can't fault evil for being evil. What I can find fault with is my keeping quiet about it," Thurgood said glumly.
Walter really wasn't sure what he should do. He had never witnessed someone having a mental breakdown before, especially one that sprang up that quickly. Should he try to comfort Thurgood or should he see how much footage he could wring out of this situation? Whose side was the public going to take? After several minutes of inner debate, Walter decided that while the Collective might be viewed as a heartless corporation after this aired, Thurgood would probably end up appearing as a victim and Walter needed place up the sympathy angle.
"There there Thurgood," Walter said as he reached over and patted Thurgood on the shoulder. "There was nothing you could have done. If Dr. Borg knew about the drones dying, then who else could you have told?"
"I could have told the Mr. Sprinkles, my secretary! He always knows how to fix whatever problem I have."
"You have a secretary? I thought only you and Dr. Borg were the only normal people working directly for the Collective..."
"Well yea, Mr. Sprinkles is a drone. He's got this new body armor that is really shiny all over and he never gets dirty. He looks kinda like the liquid metal guy from Terminator."
Walter could feel the gears in his head starting to slowly grind to a halt while he processed what Thurgood said. "OK, wait. Drones are getting killed in China, and you want to tell a drone about that so that he will do something to stop it. Shouldn't he already know about it since he's...a drone? Isn't he on the same neural network as the ones that die?"
"Oh," Thurgood said with surprise. He looked up from the floor and stared at Walter for several seconds. "Wow! You're right, I totally forgot about that. I guess there really wasn't anything I could have done. Actually, that totally explains why I overheard Dr. B talking to Mr. Sprinkles about installing a self destruct feature in all the drones. Alright, lets get back to this interview." As he finished speaking Thurgood straightened his shirt and leaned back in his chair with a smile on his face.
"Uh...well OK, moving on then." Talk about mood whiplash, how did people stay sane around Thurgood? Walter was going to need a strong drink when this interview was over. "Let's step away from the Collective for a while and talk about you as a person. Tell me, what does Thurgood do on his days off?"
"It really depends on what drug I'm on. If I smoked some weed, I ain't doing nothing except philosophizing. Well, there was that one time my house caught on fire, then I did something though I don't remember what. Probably called the fire department. But yea, philosophizing is what I usually do. For instance, did you know if you spell Oreo out loud it sounds like you're actually saying Oreo? I didn't, until one day I did. You can't unlearn something like that, it sticks with you. Now if I've been drinking heavily then I'm not a very nice person and don't like philosophizing at all, apparently I'm an angry drunk. Heck, one of my favorite things to do while drinking in the summer is to go watch marathon runners."
"You go there to...yell at the runners?" Walter asked, confused as to what an angry drunk would do at a marathon.
"Nah, I just like watching the reaction of the runners when they grab my plastic cup of vodka."
"Wow, that's...vicious. Let's talk about something less, well less evil. Is there anyone special in your life right now? I understand you made it onto People's most eligible bachelor list last year somehow." The last word was said under his breath, Walter hoped Thurgood hadn't caught it.
"Nah, I don't have much luck with women. They have a nasty habit of breaking my heart. There is only so many times you can take that kind of pain before you just give up. It's almost as bad as the pain you get when you accidentally staple your tongue to a wall which, I don't need to tell you I'm sure, is REALLY painful."
"How did you accidentally staple your tongue to a wall?" Walter asked in shock.
"I was putting up wallpaper in my house and wasn't paying attention. It's not big deal, those sorts of things just happen. Like when I was trying to overclocked my microwave and I kinda irradiated the apartment complex I was living in at the time."
"Maybe home repair just isn't for you. Perhaps you should just hire an expert next time you want something done around your house," Walter suggested.
"Hey, amateurs built the Ark but professionals built the Titanic. You should never be afraid to try something yourself," Thurgood said defensively.
"I suppose that is one way to look at it," Walter said. "But then again professionals don't typically damage a microwave to the point that Environmental Control gets called in."
"I know! And how boring is that? If it wasn't for people like me, those guys would get lazy sitting around in their offices. I made sure they earned their paychecks that day."
Deciding he didn't want to lose any more brain cells, Walter changed the subject. "Let's go back to the Collective. I understand there is talk of building an asteroid repulsion system of some kind, care to comment?"
"At the moment it's a lot like our subspace research in that we don't have a working prototype. We have blueprints for a giant magnet...thingy that would allow us to repel anything that comes near it, but its has limited range and giant power requirements. We would have to build tons of them in various locations around the globe to fully protect us. It's really just an idea that got tossed around the office and some drones decided to look at it a bit closer to see if it was worth constructing. As it is, I doubt we're ever going to see widespread use of the whatchawhosit."
"Have you not decided on a name yet or do you just not remember what the project is called?"
"...yes," Thurgood said uncomfortably while not looking directly at any of the cameras.
Walter noticed he was fidgeting in his seat quite a bit. Huh, apparently Thurgood could get embarrassed though Walter had no idea why, out of all the things that had been said during the interview, that that question would be the cause of it. Maybe Thurgood was used to be considered an "expert" on the Borg and didn't like people knowing he was apparently just as clueless as everyone else? No, that didn't make any sense because Thurgood has always been a cloudcuckoolander whenever a camera was on him so he clearly didn't care what other people thought...and Walter's musings were suddenly interrupted when Thurgood lifted a leg up and loudly farted.
"Whew, glad to finally get that out. I was worried it was more than a fart but it nice to see I don't know what my own body is doing," Thurgood said as he stretched in his chair before settling back down into a comfortable position.
OK, so Thurgood hadn't been embarrassed, he just needed to fart. Walter couldn't contain the sigh that escaped his lips, maybe it was time to think about retiring.
"Alright," Walter began. "So...so...so let's take a break. I need to go...eat something."
"Fo shizzle my rizzle. I'll be here, chatting with the camera men till you get back." Walter noticed some of the crew got terrified looks on their faces at Thurgood's proclamation.
Walter got out of his chair and walked out into the hallway. He could only stand there and stare at the wall. Technically, Thurgood was answering his questions and some of the answers even made sense but damn that man was driving him nuts. Walter was curious as to whether Thurgood was acting this way just to get reactions out of people or if he really was this nuts. Walter honestly wasn't sure which one he preferred it to be. If it was the former then Thurgood deserved an Oscar because he sold the part, you really believed he was that scatterbrained. If it was the latter Walter had to wonder how someone that stupid could survive for so long. Could Thurgood walk and chew gum at the same time? Did he ever forget to breathe? What kind of parents did he have growing up? Walter just shook his head and stared at the wall, hoping it would explode or something, at least then he wouldn't have to go back in and continue the interview.
Suddenly a deep voice jarred Walter from his thought, "You finished the interview already?"
Walter turned and saw his boss, Michael Dorn, stepping out of the elevator. "Uh no sir, just stepped out for a bit to collect my thought while Thurgood took a bit of a break."
Michael nodded, "Very understandable, Thurgood is not an easy person to deal with. Just don't stand out here too long, we need an hour's worth of footage and it's hard enough keeping Thurgood on subject, even harder if you aren't in the room with him."
"Yes sir, I know. Before you go though, I have a question."
"Certainly."
"Why am I the one conducting this interview?" Walter asked. He was upset at how whiny the question sounded coming out of his mouth. He hoped Michael wouldn't comment on it.
"Because everyone else refused. When the Collective contacted us saying they were willing to have a one-on-one interview, they gave us a list of people they approved to do the interview. If you had refused then they would have gone to Fox or CBS or someone so that why I didn't give you the option of refusing. We could not lose an exclusive interview to one of the most powerful men on the planet," Michael answered sternly.
"Don't you think you're exaggerating a little? Sure, Thurgood works for one of the most important companies on the planet but to call him important just seems a little much."
"Oh I'm sorry, do you know other non-assimilated people that work for the Collective with access to their high level plans? Because I was only aware of Thurgood and Dr. Borg. Please, enlighten me as to your secret sources that no other news agency is aware of so that we can bring them down here for an interview," Michael finished his little speech by crossing his arms over his chest and staring down his nose at Walter. "Well? I'm waiting."
It was at times like this that Walter really hated being so short and having such a tall boss. Michael was built like a linebacker and when he got angry it was intimidating. "No, sorry sir. I just meant-"
"You meant that you had wasted enough time out here in the hallway and were going to go back and finish the interview."
Walter sighed, defeated. "Yes, that was what I meant."
"Glad to hear it Walter," Michael said as he walked down the hall, probably to his office. Walter enviously watched him go. Michael got to go sit in a fancy office and drink whiskey; Walter had to sit under hot camera lights while drinking horrible wine and talking to a man that probably did not possess a functioning brain stem.
Walter pushed open the door to the studio immediately noticed the camera crew looking anywhere but at Thurgood, who was glancing confusingly at the various men in the room but otherwise looked just like when Walter had left the room.
"Alright, Thurgood you ready to get back to the interview?" Walter asked as he sat down.
"Totally, though while you were gone I was thinking to myself, 'this interview has been going really good, but it ain't quite awesome yet.' So you know what I decided would make this even better? Freeballin' it."
"I...er, wait...what?" Walter glanced around at the camera crew all of whom were avoiding eye contact. "You stripped down and took off your underwear in here? That isn't sanitary! And the cameras are still on! Plus there's broken glass all over the place!"
"You need to chillax dude, it ain't no big thang. Though I will concede the point about the broken glass, probably should have thought my plan through a bit more. Pretty sure the sharp pain in my foot is a shard full of owie." Thurgood said he stretched his left leg out and wiggled his foot.
Walter couldn't even form words at the moment. He just sat there and glared at Thurgood while trying to keep his left eye from twitching too much. This was probably how aneurysms happened. Walter was reminded of a motivational poster he saw at his first job at McDonalds however many years ago, 'Stress: A condition caused by repressing the body's desire to strangle the living daylights out of some jerk who desperately deserves it.'
"Well I figure why be difficult, when with just a little bit of effort, I can be impossible?" Thurgood said while smiling at the cameras.
If he killed Thurgood, how many years would he have to spend in prison? If it was less than twenty it would be worth it. Maybe he could get the camera crew to help him hide the body. Except, if Walter did that he wouldn't be able to finish the interview and then he would get fired. The responsibilities of being a responsible adult sucked. Actually...now that he thought about it, maybe that was why Thurgood was the way he was. Thurgood had been working for the Collective for decades now, they paid him well and took care of his expenses and all he had to do was deflect questions in press conferences. Thurgood had never learned how to take care of himself or how to be an adult. He was a middle-aged man-child.
"Besides, there ain't nothing wrong with the cameras seeing a little skin. Something to consider: you are what someone, possibility several someones, out there thinks about when they masturbate. I figure I might as well do them a favor and show off the goods, even if you don't put it on the air now if they are willing to work hard enough they can find footage of my dangle."
"That is...sort of sweet and really really creepy to think about," Walter said after several seconds of thought.
"That's what I'm here for."
Walter wasn't sure what Thurgood meant by that. Maybe if he tried to hurry Thurgood through the interview that would force him to stay on topic so that there could get enough footage to end the interview early.
Walter got his note cards out of his pocket to see where they had left off. "The Collective has opened quite a lot of banks in America over the past decade and they have done quite well, care to comment on the success of that franchise?"
"That sounds like it would require a very mathematical answer, money and big numbers. Maybe it's because we're based out of Brunei or maybe its because the drones talk to each other so they don't make mistakes when making calculations. I don't really know, its too complicated. I don't even have an account with our bank, its easier to keep my money in the sofa for safe keeping," Thurgood answered with a shrug.
"You probably shouldn't do that Thurgood."
"Why not? It gains pretty good interest."
"What? How does that even work?"
"When people come over, they keep losing their change in my couch."
With a shake of his head, Walter asked his next question, originally he had planned to skip the political discussion but now Walter decided to test the water and see what happened. "There is a bill currently in the Senate, which has already passed through the House of Representatives, that would greatly increase welfare benefits and well as provide housing for those in need. Both you and Dr. Borg have publicly come out again that bill rather vocally. Why are you against helping the poor?"
"You know," Thurgood began, "if you think you have a right to food, a place to live, and medical attention you should be aware the slavery does provide for all of that. Though I seem to remember that America fought a war to end it. I can't speak for Dr. B but I fail to see why I should pay for someone else to live comfortably if they aren't going to work."
"Didn't you arrive in a limousine driven by a drone? Come to think of it, you live in a Collective provided apartment complex and they don't all your shopping for you?" Walter asked incredulously.
"Yea, and you will notice that I have a job, I contribute to society. Those are perks that I get because I work. Similarly, if instead of sucking up tax dollars all those people came to the Collective and got jobs then they would be getting all of the same things as they get in the bill PLUS they would be working."
"Well I suppose that's true, but then they would have to get neural transceivers implanted and not everyone wants to lose their individuality."
"So instead I have to cut down on my weed smoking because they insist on stealing my money?"
"Well yes...wait what do you mean stealing?"
"If I don't pay my taxes the government will come and lock me up. They then use the money they took from me and give it to someone else. If I threatened to lock you up unless you give me money so that I can give it to someone else, I would be arrested for theft. I say we arrest the government for stealing."
"The legal system doesn't quite work like that."
"It should! If the law said that if you don't work then you don't eat then we would have one heck of a productive society. Just think about it, everyone hard at work because if they didn't then they starve, that is motivation. And don't tell me it wouldn't work, Jeff said it would and he's a lot smarter than either of us."
Ah, so Dr. Borg is responsible for Thurgood's opinions. That explained a few things. Still, the conversation had not gone in the direction Walter had hoped so he had to move things forward if this interview was ever going to end. "Where do you see yourself and the Collective in the future? Say twenty years, what is your plan?"
"Hmmm," Thurgood said while stroking his chin in an overly dramatic fashion. "Well the Collective will probably be doing the same thing it's doing now, looking for ways to help humanity expand past our limitations. As for meself...if I no longer work for the Collective then I think world domination sounds like fun."
"World domination? You would try to take over the world?" Walter paused as he let what he just said sink in. Thurgood didn't seem fazed by Walter's sarcasm. "You? Thurgood Jenkins?"
"Well if I took over the world I obviously wouldn't keep that name, not nearly bad-ass enough. I'd change it to something like 'Lucrezia von Morgenstern' or 'Luke Kane Cypher' though I'm kinda leaning towards 'Lord Nergal, Master of All That He Sees' at the moment."
"Somehow, I just can't picture that happening"
"Oh well let me help you with that," Thurgood said with a big grin on his face as he began gesturing widely. "I'd wear big spiky cybernetic armor that the Collective would design for me with a big flowing black cape. I'd speak in a deep booming voice and carry a scepter that shoots laser beams and stuff. I'd ride an evil war horse named Nightmare Moon and my second-in-command will be a giant talking gorilla named Killbane. And when the hero finds my one weakness and stops me I'll shout 'COOOBRA' because that's what you do when you rule the world."
"I see," Walter deadpanned. On the one hand he didn't want to encourage Thurgood's delusions since the man did wield a fair bit of power and could do some serious damage to the economy if he ever went nuts, on the other hand this was the first time during the interview he had found Thurgood genuinely entertaining instead of annoying. Thurgood seemed like a little kid that wanted to take over the world so he could abolish bedtime, outlaw girls, that sort of thing. "Where would you get the army necessary to take over the world? And how would the logistics of all this work exactly. Ruling the world would require a lot of managerial skills."
"You shouldn't let small details like armies or skill get in your way. I mean look at me, I don't even know where I'm going with this argument! That's how dedicated I am to ignoring little things and focusing on the big picture. Namely, that I will one day be the Evil Overlord of Earth."
"You certainly don't lack for confidence."
"Aim for the moon, that way even if you miss you at least land among the stars."
"That almost sounded profound," Walter said suspiciously.
"I read it in a fortune cookie."
"I see, that explains that then. Well for my next question-"
Thurgood continue as if he hadn't heard Walter, "Which didn't make any sense to me. A fortune cookie should have a fortune in it. 'You will find true love on Flag day' or something. Instead, I get some weird feel-good motivational poster saying. That's not a fortune, that's advice, and I don't want my food giving my advice. What right does my food have to judge me? I saw that cookie's yearbook, it was a slut in high school and yet it has the nerve to tell me how to live my life? Screw that, food is supposed to tell me my future and fill my belly, nothing else."
"Are you done?"
"Not quite. So airline food, what's up with that? Amiright? Eh? Eh?" Thurgood finished speaking with an overly cheesy smile and repeatedly jabbing his elbow at Walter.
"You're actively trying to be annoying and create a bunch of footage we can't possibly use, aren't you?" Walter said as he rubbed his eyes in frustration.
"That doesn't seem like something I would do. Jeff certainly, but not me."
Walter sighed, he wasn't going to get out of this anytime soon. No matter what he tried to do, Thurgood's mind would wander off in some odd direction. Might as well stop fighting it and just accept the hand that fate had dealt him. What was the worst that could happen?
"So Dubya, have I told you about the new fad diet I recently tried? It's the Coney Diet, you can only eat something if a rabbit would eat it. I did it for two months but I quit when I realized I was never gonna get back down to my original weight. I suppose seven pounds two ounces was an unrealistic goal anyway."
Walter hated his life.
Author's Note: So I tried to give Thurgood a couple of lucid moments in this chapter to show that he has (somewhat) matured. Any thoughts? Did it work or is that taking away from his goofball antics?