Chapter 7

Despite not believing that sleep was on his register he still found himself waking up hours later to the sun streaming in the living room window. He was stretched out on the couch, a blanket laying over his body. He had woken up during the night with Emma stretched out next to him, so he knew she hadn't gone back to her room. It wasn't until he heard a string of curses coming from the kitchen that he knew where she had gone to. He got up from the couch, stretching as he padded his way towards the cursing. He leaned against the wall next to the refrigerator gazing at the woman moving around as though her feet were on fire. It was amazing that she looked so refreshed given the fact that the couch couldn't have been all that comfortable and since he knew he snored he had to imagine that the created an even more trying night of sleep for her. "What are you getting up to in here lass?" She jumped, startled by the sound of his voice. "Killian, I didn't know you were awake."

"That's because I just woke up love."

"Always with the love and the lass." Her lips tilted upwards in a half smile and he couldn't resist going over to her and placing a gentle kiss on her lips as he gripped her hip. "Is there something else you'd prefer I call you?" She took a moment and he saw thoughts pass across her mind but she simply shrugged her shoulders. This thing between them was new and still awkward. He longed for her to be able to be completely herself with him but he knew that that was a reward that he hadn't yet earned. It would come in time. "I like love. Although I get the feeling it's not just reserved for those you actually do love."

"It means something different when I say it to you. Perhaps not love yet but definitely more than it means when I say it to someone else."

"That's good to hear." She smiled before looking back down at the ingredients lined up on the counter. "I was going to surprise you with breakfast, as you can tell, but you woke up and ruined my plan."

"My apologies."

"No need. How about you grab a place on the deck and I'll meet you out there with breakfast. We can usher the day in gazing out at the water." She had found him out there many times since they got married. The water seemed to be where he went to find solace and peace. After the events of the evening before she was certain that he could use some of that. He sauntered to the deck while she finished putting together a tray of fresh fruit and yogurt and champagne flutes filled with orange juice. Truth be told she needed a moment away from the intensity of the last twelve hours. She had wanted to make him breakfast this morning but she also needed a moment to process all that had occurred the night before. Not just the information regarding his family but falling asleep in his arms, and waking up feeling like it was exactly where she was always meant to be. This marriage was meant to be lifelong. She knew that but what she hadn't expected was how quickly she had adapted to it. It felt naturally to ask him what he wanted to eat for dinner that night, even though they both knew that he was most likely going to end up cooking the meal. The mundane had become something of a comfort for her. She enjoyed folding the laundry, and picking up around the house. Watching him take out the trash or vacuum the living room made her smile, knowing that the domesticity of it was something she had sought in her life for too long. This life she had stumbled into was everything she'd dreamed of and part of her felt guilty. She could still see the knife being shoved into Bobby's stomach, hear the sound of his pain as he cried out. She didn't think she would never really be able to forget that night. "Love? Are you coming out?"

"Yeah, sorry. Just got to thinking. I'm coming right now." She grabbed the tray and carried it out to the deck, setting it on the table they kept on the deck before settling into the Adirondack chairs facing out at the ocean. They ate in comfortable silence for a while, just watching the waves roll onto the shore. It was new for her, not having to speak. To have someone to just sit with and not have to fill the silence with meaningless words. She found peace with him in the moments where she caught his eyes on her while she wasn't looking. "Tell me something about your childhood Killian. Something that you've never told anyone."

"My childhood?"

"Yeah, tell me something about who you were as a boy."

"Okay. Something I've never told anybody. Hmm. Well, when my adopted dad left I was relieved. He was never as interested in adopting me as my mom was. I think she wanted another child so badly that he just went along with it. Liam was always his son and I was always just the other one. My mom and Liam both accepted me, no questions asked, but for some reason my adoptive father could never find it in him to love me the way he loved Liam. I think he gave it his best shot but a child can sense those things. He kept a roof over my head, food in my stomach. But he rarely put my on his lap, hugged me, or told me he was proud of me. The things he provided I could have gotten from a foster home but there was no warmth from him."

"How was that for you?"

"I can't really complain. My life with my mom and Liam was great. All the things that my adopted dad wasn't they were. When I did well Liam and Mom always made a big deal out of it. They compensated for his lack of interest in me but when he left a few years after my mom died I was glad. Liam had always been more father than him and I was grateful that I no longer felt I must act like we meant something to each other. He adopted me and gave me my family. For that I will forever be grateful. But losing him meant nothing because I never had him to begin with. I don't know why he never cared for me. I just know that he didn't. I never told Liam I was glad he left. Regardless of my issues with him that was Liam's dad and it was different for him. He didn't just leave me. He left Liam without a father and the fact that he was eighteen didn't change the abandonment he felt. When he left Liam was young and his life was just starting and then he had to bear the burden of raising me. I'd hear him pacing in the living room at night, and I knew that he was struggling to find a way to care for me. Whether it meant monetarily or by sacrificing his youth so that I could stay with him. His father never thought of that. Never thought of what that would mean for his own child." His eyes left hers and went back to the waves crashing on the shore. These memories were too painful. Buried too deep. She knew that feeling of not being wanted. She knew the feeling of being a burden. In more ways than one it seemed that they were kindred spirits. Without thinking her hand reached out for his his, linking their fingers together on the arm of his chair. "I'm sorry my question took you back there."

"This is what marriage is Emma. You get to see my ugly gaping scars and I hope in time you'll learn to love me in spite of them."

"I think I'll probably love you because of them." The words were quiet, barely above a whisper, and they escaped her lips before she knew what she was saying. It was too much too soon. The word love seemed like a promise she couldn't possibly know that she would keep. They were just getting to know each other. Just getting to be comfortable with each other. Now the word love was out there and she feared that it would make him feel something had happened that hadn't yet. Their friendship was deep and so was their attraction. It wasn't love yet though and she didn't know if she could feel that. She wanted to. It just wasn't something that she had a lot of experience with. Her heart was something she kept closely guarded. To his credit he didn't comment on her slip, choosing instead to stand pulling her up behind him. "I think, Mrs. Henry, that we have spent quite enough time cooped up in the house. What do you say we go take a look around this city that we live in?"

"Sounds like fun. Give me twenty minutes to get ready?"

"Sure. You look great but I know that I probably won't be able to convince you of that."

"I'm wearing the same thing I wore yesterday so no, you won't be able to convince me of that. You're lucky that you're not getting an hour wait while I shower."

"If you feel you need a shower love don't let me stop you. The city will wait for you to be ready."

"We're not going anywhere fancy that I'm aware of. Twenty minutes will be fine." She smiled before patting his chest and heading in the direction of the slider leading into the house. "Swan?"

"Yeah?"

"We may be Colin and Jen today but no matter what I'm calling you I hope you know that there's no one I'd rather be with than you." She smiled the little half smile that he was coming to love and made her way into the house. She was looking forward to exploring their city but more than that she was looking forward to going out and experiencing the city with him.

An hour and a half later found them standing in the middle of Battery and White Point Gardens park enthralled by a squirrel running around on the grass. At sixty degrees the locals were bundled up in their winter wear but for them it still felt like spring. Boston at this time of year was brutally cold. "That squirrel is hilarious. It just keeps running back and forth, never grabbing anything."

"I'm quite amused by the things that amuse you love."

"What? I can't help it that the squirrel is adorable." He smiled and grabbed her hand, staring up at a gnarly old tree in the middle of the park. They walked quietly, holding hands and occasionally pointing something out along in the park. They took their time walking along the waterfront, in awe of the architecture. Staring out at the water, like they always seemed to do, they saw a group of dolphins jumping in the distance. "Jen, do you see that?"

"I do. They're beautiful."

"There's all kinds of shells down there on the beach. What do you say that we go grab a few?"

"Do you see this bar in front of us? It's meant to keep us off the beach. Seems it's a private beachfront."

"Doesn't meant that we can't go down there."

"Actually, I think that's exactly what it mean."

"Live a little lass. Come along." Before she could say another word he lifted his leg over the railing and climbed over to the other side. He jumped to the ground and stared up at her, eyes sparkling as he beckoned for her. "What about your job Colin?"

"I think my career in marketing is safe." She shook her head before making a decision and going over the railing herself. She jumped down to him and grabbed his hand, pulling him towards the surf. Just as her feet were about to hit the water he pulled her back in his direction. "As appealing as splashing in the tide with you sounds love it's December, just sixty degrees, and our car is several blocks away. Getting wet would not be in either of our best interest."

"Always so rational."

"I just like you being healthy love." He held both of her hands in his as they faced each other, the wind whipping her blonde hair across both of their faces. The smell of the sea assaulted her and she felt intoxicated by the sound of the waves crashing on the shore. Without a second thought she found herself stepping towards Killian and linking her arms around his neck. Her lips sought his and she felt herself falling in a way that she had never imagined. The kiss intensified as his hand tangled in her hair. After a moment he stepped back, a little breathless. "That was amazing love but I'm thinking a from here to eternity moment would be less than amazing."

"You, sir, are a spoilsport." She giggled before linking her fingers with his and guiding him down the beach. In the distance they watched the dolphins dancing to the song of the birds overheard. It was a perfect moment in time. The kind of moment neither of them had even dared to dream of when everything had started. "Killian, can I ask you something?"

"Of course love."

"If we weren't forced together by these circumstances do you think we would have ever met?"

"I like to think so. We were both in Storybrooke and I can't help but feel that we would have met at some point."

"Do you think something would have happened between us?" He stopped and turned so that he could look her in her eyes. For all of her strength he knew she lacked in confidence, particularly confidence in the fact that someone might care for her. "I never told you about the first time I saw you did I?"

"No, but I can't imagine that it was anything great. I was an absolute wreck. And not at my kindest."

"Physically the first thing I thought when I saw you was that this woman was gorgeous. I mean hair a mess, eyes swollen from crying, and you were still the most beautiful woman I'd ever seen. More than that thought I felt a connection. I tried to stay all business at first with you because I didn't want to frighten you but I wanted to protect you from the instant we met. There was something in your eyes that reached out to me. A familiarity that I didn't understand. I do now. I believe what happened between Gold and my brother was a tragedy but I also believe that it brought me to where I was supposed to be. By your side. For that reason I have to believe that if this hadn't happened somehow we would have still met and I would have felt that irresistible pull towards you." He expected words back but she didn't speak. She just turned her eyes back to the water. The waves crashed on the shore for minutes on end but still no words. "Emma? Is everything okay?" Her eyes never left the water but finally she spoke. "It took years for Granny and Ruby to get to know me. Starting over all the time I just built up an immunity to people. I learned the right things to say to get people to let me be. People rarely are interested in the answers when they ask questions anyway. They just want to feel good because they showed an interest. Before Ruby and Granny there was only one other person. A guy. We were into some small time petty theft and he convinced me that he loved me, and I believed because what did I know about love. I'd never experienced it. I realized sitting in a jail cell holding a positive pregnancy test that I still didn't know about love."

"You have a child?"

"Had. I had a child. I was in jail for a year. A pregnancy is only nine months and I had no family to take the baby until I got out. Can't keep a baby in jail so I had to put him up for adoption. His name was..."

"Henry?"

"Yeah, his name was Henry." He heard the break in her voice but he knew that she had been crying throughout the recounting of her sad tale. The desire to say something was strong but the desire to relieve just a bit of her pain was stronger so he pulled her close, tucking her head under his chin. After her tears abated she lifted her head and bit her lip. "Do you think less of me?"

"Why would I think less of you lass? Because you did some jail time or because you gave a baby up for adoption?"

"Your adoption didn't exactly go great. You're not at all angry about it."

"My adoption was what it was. You're never promised a perfect life love. Not if it's with your birth parents and not if you're with adopted parents. At the end of the day love people are just people and we're all flawed. If I had not been adopted I would have been raised with Robert Gold as my father. I think it was all for the best." She nodded and looked down at her feet. He wished there was something he could do or say to help her see that she wasn't going to drive him away. That he was with her for the long haul. "Emma, we all have pasts. Yours doesn't define you any more than mine defines me. In regards to you putting your son up for adoption it doesn't seem that you had much choice. Even if you had had a choice you put his needs ahead of your own. That is the mark of a good parent. That simple act made you a good mother. You have lived with the loss of him in your life every day because you wanted to give him the best chance. That kind of selfless love is awe inspiring to me." In all the years since she had put her son up for adoption no one had seen her as a mother. Most she didn't tell but even Ruby seemed to feel that because he was gone from her life that the mark he left on it should have diminished, at least some. Granny was a mother so she understood what loving a child really meant. "You're too good for me Killian. Truly."

"Not at all love. It is you who is too good for me."

"Or perhaps we're just perfect for each other." She laughed and immediately some of the tension that had fallen over them let up. The joy from earlier in the day returned and she grabbed his hand again as a grin split across her face. "I'll race you back up the wall. And I'll win" As she said it she shoved him backwards and made a dash towards the wall and was up over it before he was even able to get his bearings. Moments later though he ascended the wall as well and grabbed her by the waist before pressing a light kiss to her lips. "Love, that was not good form at all."

"All's fair love."