Natsu felt lousy.

Natsu normally felt lousy. Being weak made him feel lousy. So did being unwanted. He knew Gray had at least come down Lucy's street the day before, but not stopped in to so much as say hi. He could smell Gray when the window was open.

Lucy didn't say anything about it, which made Natsu all the more certain that Gray had decided not to stop by. He didn't know why Gray would do that. The part of Natsu that still clung to any little hope he could find that he might be at least kind of wanted thought that maybe Gray had wanted to visit, but was afraid that Natsu was mad at him after everything that happened. The other part of Natsu, the part that hated how weak he was and what a burden he placed on others and hated everything in his whole stupid, weak life, was sure that Gray probably had some errand to run, and it just happened that taking Lucy's street was the fasted way to get wherever he was going.

Natsu felt tremendously lousy, so he snapped at Lucy when she asked for help preparing food.

"I can't even stand over the kitchen counter long enough to do all that!"

All she'd asked for help with was slicing lettuce, and hearing Natsu call that impossible made Lucy freeze where she stood. She'd known it got to him that he couldn't do much for himself anymore. You'd have to be an idiot not to see that. But that was a whole new level of defeatism. Especially coming from Natsu.

And seeing Natsu sink that low was intolerable.

"I'll pull up a chair for you," she told him. "You can help pack the rice balls too."

"This is too much," he protested.

"You complained that it was too little when Mira asked for help with more than this," Lucy reminded him. "Do you want me to help you into the chair, or can you manage on your own?"

Natsu crossed his arms and leaned back further into Lucy's sofa. For his efforts, he was unceremoniously yanked into the air when she summoned Taurus, who Lucy had decided could be the one to carry Natsu from place to place if he insisted he couldn't walk for himself.

"I like it better when everyone treats me like a fragile flower," Natsu decided when Taurus dumped him into the chair Lucy pulled over.

"Only when you're caught up with feeling sorry for yourself," Lucy told him. "Come on. This will be a good night. Let's get a good picnic prepped for it."

Grumbling to himself, Natsu leaned forward and grabbed a pickled plum, packing rice around it.

When Lucy originally proposed that Natsu make a meal for himself and Gray, over a month ago now, she'd envisioned him doing it all himself. Now, fearing that even the little things might wear him out, she tried only to give him enough room to feel like he contributed. She laid out standard rice ball fillings and seasonings, and looked over frequently to make sure Natsu continued to work. When she saw him abandon the seasonings and salmon and plums to sneak in things like tomatoes, chocolate spread, jam, and one terrifyingly large glob of wasabi, Lucy stopped looking. She didn't want to see what Gray's tongue might be subjected too, and that Natsu was grinning as he made his prank rice balls meant he was into the task enough that she didn't need to force him to keep going.

She needed to push Natsu to do more, Lucy realize. And maybe start a running journal of how well he did, too. Gray had tried to track Natsu's status to see if those pills were helping, but Lucy hadn't kept track at all. Whether they were or weren't, for Natsu's sake, he needed to be encouraged to do more to help out. They'd done everything for him while he sulked the last few weeks, and it had only reinforced the idea that he could no longer do anything for himself.

When he ran out of rice, Natsu moved on without prompting to mixing mayonnaise and potato, although Lucy grabbed the celery to mince before he had the chance. She wanted Natsu to be more involved again, but she also wanted him to be able to stay awake when he met up with Gray that evening. With no way of tracking his energy level, she didn't want to take chances.

In the interest of keeping Natsu energized, she pushed a light nap before dinner, which Natsu agreed to with a much suffered sigh.

Helping out earlier in the day had gotten him enthused to be up and about again, but he'd grown familiar enough with people fretting over his health that he didn't fight it anymore when the insisted he rest. It meant a lot to Lucy that he go and see those shooting stars, for reasons Natsu couldn't fathom, and he would abide by every precaution she insisted on to keep him from having an attack staying up that late at night. As it was, he would need help getting to the hill she claimed was the perfect spot for stargazing, much less getting up that hill. Another attack, and he might be completely bedbound.

While the thought of how flustered Lucy would be if she needed to help him with a bedpan did give Natsu a chuckle, he knew she'd get used to that situation eventually. After all, he was used to being weak now, and a year ago he'd have laughed if anyone told him he'd ever feel weak, even in his old age.

But it had been nice to help with food preparation. Maybe he would ask to help Mira in the kitchen again. Running orders back and forth was too much for him, but if there was something—anything he could do to feel like he was still a real part of the guild, he'd take it.

-o-

To Natsu's relief, it was Loke that Lucy summoned the next time he needed to be carried. Not that he particularly wanted to be carried by Loke, but it beat Taurus. In particular, it was nice not to be carried by a giant, perverted cow all the way out of town and up the hill Lucy deemed perfect for stargazing.

"At least one of us is happy with the arrangement," Loke said when Natsu rested his head against the spirit's shoulder. "I'd rather be carrying a fair maiden."

"I don't need carrying," Lucy said.

Loke threw her a wink, and Happy snickered, rolling his tongue as he said, "They're in llllove."

"Shut it, cat!" Lucy snapped.

It had been a long time since Natsu heard that exchange, and the familiarity of it warmed his heart as much as it made his chest ache. He still saw Lucy plenty, but with his condition being what it was, the number of situations he saw Lucy in were limited. He missed all of the teasing they subjected her to while they were out on jobs. Even if Lucy wrote everything up to make him feel like he'd been there, the absence of all their old connections could be felt in her stories as much as it could in Natsu's daily life.

"I wanna go to the guild again tomorrow," Natsu said. He'd let too many relationships fall to the wayside since falling ill. He could count the number of times since his last attack that he spoke with Erza on one hand.

"We'll see," Lucy said.

"That means no, doesn't it?"

"It means we'll see, since it isn't up to me."

Thinking she meant he was likely to throw another fit the next day and decide he didn't want to go anywhere, Natsu huffed and crossed his arms. "If I say I don't want to go, then drag me there."

"I'm not dragging you anywhere."

Natsu was a little skeptical of that, considering that Lucy was the one who pushed the idea of the meteor shower so hard, and especially considering how she did have him dragged over to the kitchen counter to help her prepare for the event. But Natsu would have plenty of opportunities to goad Lucy about that at a time when Loke wouldn't be around to give him grief in return. Lucy had already promised that Loke would be elsewhere. (Not that Natsu had asked he be, but since he just knew Lucy was going to bring Gray up somehow, he was grateful to hear that he'd have a little privacy)

Thinking of Gray instantly killed Natsu's mood. He still didn't know what was up with Gray passing by that morning. And come to think of it, the star gazing had initially been proposed as an event that Natsu and Gray could go on together. Some silly romantic moment that Lucy had hoped to set up which was never going to happen. Because Gray didn't want to see him. And even when Gray was around all the time, Gray didn't love him back.

Lucy didn't notice the change in Natsu's mood until after she cleared the snow from her ideal spot, rolled out a foam barrier for insulation, laid a blanket over that, and then gestured to Loke that it was safe to put him down. By then, Natsu had been sulking for a good couple of minutes, and Lucy having put up with his sulking for days on end, he wasn't surprised when she excused herself.

"I think I dropped something," she said, which was a lie. Natsu's eyesight wasn't as good as it used to be, but his hearing was as stellar as always, and he'd heard nothing fall. "Loke, come help me look. I'm going to need your light."

Natsu didn't questions that, given how dark it had already gotten. In the darkness, he almost didn't notice Lucy grab one of the baskets they'd brought, although it was hard to miss that she and Loke set off in the exact opposite direction they came from. That Happy ran after them snickering only drove the point home. Natsu thought it was weird that Loke didn't try once to insert himself into a stargazing event with Lucy.

Well, if that's how they wanted to play at it, then fine. He hoped they got the riceball packed full of wasabi. Natsu even grabbed a fistful of snow in his glove and hurled it towards them, although it landed halfway across the picnic blanket.

Hissing in frustration, Natsu flopped over on his back. After making such a big deal of how this was going to be a special event for him, Lucy let him be a third wheel.

That's all he was ever going to be for the rest of his life. That extra person who someone or another was stuck with because he couldn't manage on his own. He couldn't even throw a freaking snowball on his own, and the fact that he hadn't just been horsing around when he tried to hit her made his throat clench. Last year, every snowball Natsu threw had been for fun. Since when had he become such a bitter person?

After all that time telling himself not to get his hopes up with Gray, prepping for rejection, telling himself nothing would come of his feelings… After all that time, it was like he'd still expected butterflies and rainbows, and when the rejection he'd known was coming arrived, Gray turned his heart to ice.

He needed to get his mind off of Gray. Gray was gone. He didn't visit at all after Natsu moved out, left town the day Lucy resolved the affair with taking days to pick him up, and even after coming home, hadn't stopped by once. Even if their separation hadn't been something Gray chose, prolonging it had been.

Natsu scrunched his eyes shut to try and keep tears from falling out, cursing himself and covering his face with his scarf. He needed to stop. He was so obsessed with Gray that he even thought he could pick up the man's smell everywhere now, and he needed to stop that.

"You know, I like it better when you pull that scarf up to hide when you're blushing."

Natsu knew that voice. Eyes snapping wide open, he tried to scramble to sit up, but fell on his side instead.

"Whoa! Careful!" Gray pulled him back up. "Don't move that fast."

"I missed your nagging," Natsu said, voice barely a whisper as he tried in vain to blink back tears.

"I was hoping you missed the rest of me more, but I'll take what I can get."

That hadn't been the first thing Natsu wanted to say, and he choked on a laugh at Gray's joke before breaking down in sobs.

"Hey there. It's okay." Gray scooted closer, wrapping both arms around Natsu and holding the boy against his chest. "It's okay, Natsu. I'm here."

Natsu hiccuped and pulled his scarf over his face completely. This wasn't how he'd wanted to handle their reunion at all. Gray was trying to take care of him and it had only been a few seconds. He'd wanted it to be a situation where he didn't feel like a load. If not something happy, he'd at least wanted a reunion filled with him giving Gray an earful for leaving him for so long. Never mind that delay getting him from Sting, he'd wanted to see Gray since the second Makarov decided he needed to move.

"Come on, now." Gray pulled the scarf down and brushed a tear from Natsu's cheek. "I haven't been allowed to see you for so long. Don't hide from me."

"H-how c-c-come you're n-not crying?" Natsu asked, embarrassed with his own outburst. All his pent up anger and worry and despair had bubbled out with his burst of relief, and he couldn't help himself one bit. He didn't like being the only one in that position.

"Believe me, I've had more than my share of outbursts lately. Besides, why would I cry right now? I have you by my side again."

A chuckle slipped in between Natsu's sobs. "That s-sounds really corny. Did y-you steal that line fr-rom Loke?"

"Hey. Come one now. I spent all day preparing what I was going to say to you."

"You should have had someone proof-read your speech," Natsu said.

"I thought you were supposed to go from the heart when you said this kind of stuff. Go easy on me. I'm not used to doing this."

Reaching up to rub his own cheek, Natsu sniffled and said, "You talk a lot, though."

"This kind of talk," Gray clarified. "Do you always talk from the heart? That's cute."

Natsu thanked the stars above that his flushed cheeks could be discounted as a sign that he was cold. Gray thought he was cute. But no doubt he meant that in a kiddy way. Maybe Lucy had been right after all about Gray staying away because he was forbidden, but it didn't change the fact that Gray didn't love him.

They were just friends. Anything romantic was all in Natsu's head. It was just his fantasy run wild when Gray leaned down and kissed him. And what a vivid imagination Natsu had. He could feel the details of Gray's lips pressed on his and everything. Even the peppermint taste of Gray's tongue in his mouth.

It wasn't until Gray pulled back, with a little bit of saliva caught between his lips and Natsu's, that it occurred to the dazed roset that he might not have imagined what just happened.

"Did we kiss?" Natsu asked.

"That's what I would have called it," Gray said. "Was it bad? You didn't seem that into it."

"We kissed?" Natsu verified. "I didn't imagine that?"

"No. Was it bad? Juvia's made me a few times, but she'd never tell me if I messed up. I-I messed up, didn't I? Sting lied to me."

Natsu shook his head vigorously. "No! No, wait! Let me try again. I didn't realize that was really happening."

"What did you think was happening?" Gray asked, face still pale from concerns that Natsu hadn't actually wanted to be kissed.

"Um… That… uh…" Natsu looked down at his hands, fiddling with the fabric of Gray's impressively still present scarf. "That I was turning into Juvia and my imagination got away from me."

Normally, Gray found such fantasies extremely annoying. It was an unending frustration in Gray's life to say something as simple as "Let's work together" and have Juvia hanging from his neck sobbing about how she would happily marry him. This, however was new. Despite Natsu's embarrassment, Gray couldn't help but throw his head back and laugh at the notion that someone might mistake that which had really happened for a fantasy.

"Jerk," Natsu murmured.

"Sorry. Sorry. I'm just used to that going the other way around." Gray ruffled Natsu's hair, which Natsu responded to by ducking away from his hand. "Alright. Take two. Keep in mind this time that it's really happening."

-o-

Had he thought it would have any impact, Natsu would have smacked Gray when he learned how he'd agreed to Lucy's plans to make their night a surprise. He really had thought that morning that Gray gave up on seeing him. It took heavy assurance from Gray that it was only a single day that he held off on visiting Natsu for the surprise night. Any other rejection Natsu might have felt from their extended separation was pacified when Gray explained his reasoning for complying with the visitation restriction. If the guild didn't want them together, they would have to run away to avoid everyone, and not only did think that Natsu wanted not to be separated from the guild, but Gray had also hoped that the most diligent of obedience would convince Makarov that he could indeed be trusted with Natsu's care. Besides, for most of their time apart, Gray was under the impression that Natsu was the one who'd wanted them separated.

"You were pretty pissed with me over Sting."

"You were pretty pissed with me over Sting," Natsu corrected. "I didn't get upset until you went crazy and got all weird and controlling. And I thought I was the one turning into Juvia."

"Juvia isn't controlling. She's just… invested."

"Didn't she force her way into your house once and refuse to move out?"

"I'm not controlling."

"Sure. Sure." Natsu nuzzled his cheek deeper into Gray's chest.

The meteor shower had yet to really get going. The occasional streak went across the sky, but that didn't interest Natsu. Really, nothing but Gray interested him, which was why he was surprised when Gray glanced down at him, worried, and asked, "Are you cold?"

Natsu had to give that a moment's thought before nodding.

"Here. I practically sewed myself into this thing to make sure I'd be able to give it to you."

Gray shirked his own coat and hung it around Natsu's shoulders, then pulled his scarf over his head and wrapped it into a makeshift hat for Natsu. Knowing how much effort it must have taken for Gray to make sure he remained clothed just for him, Natsu felt truly special.

But despite that, something felt wrong.

It had been some time since Natsu felt that, and he only identified it after several minutes leaning against Gray's bare chest (which was tragically difficult to see in the dark, but Natsu knew he'd have more opportunities to look than Gray intended come morning). Natsu bit his lip, weighing his options. His health was already thoroughly screwed up from trying to power through that sensation before, but he wanted this night.

As if he had a sixth sense for Natsu's wellbeing, Gray asked just then, "How are you holding up?"

Natsu hesitated a split second before he said, "I'm a little tired."

Gray produced a box of, of all things, an opened pack of candy canes from his pocket. "I thought you might need a little sugar boost. Lucy didn't say anything to me about you guys bringing food. Do you think you need anything to make it through the shower?"

Natsu hesitated again, and this time Gray caught on.

"Let's go."

"It's fine," Natsu insisted, which earned him an exasperated look from Gray. "Really. It is. I'm just sitting here. I'll doze off if I get too tired. I haven't done anything since I came home from Sting's. And I haven't even lain around and done nothing with you."

"There will be plenty of opportunities to do thing together later," Gray said. "Do you want me to take you back to Lucy's? I have permission to bring you home with me again, if you'd prefer that."

Natsu looked around for some excuse to get Gray to let him stay, and his eyes fell on the picnic basket.

"Food first," Natsu said. "I made rice balls and there's sandwiches and some weird potato salad Lucy put together. We can go home after it's all gone."

It was a compromise that he hoped would satisfy Gray. So long as Natsu didn't eat like pig, it would take at least a little while to empty the picnic basket, but not so long that Gray would go into full panic mode over the idea that Natsu was in danger of having an attack.

Natsu's heart almost broke when Gray looked disappointed by this, but then Gray looked away and awkwardly muttered, "And by we can go home you mean… um…?"

He was only worried about what it meant that Natsu hadn't answered his last question, and Natsu grinned and said, "Your apartment."

It occurred to Natsu that Lucy would need to know where he was if went home with Gray, but before he could ask if she was aware of the possibility that he wasn't returning to her apartment, Gray lunged forward and pulled the basket over. He flipped the top off and grabbed the first rice ball.

"Dig in," Gray said, obviously eager to get Natsu to bed as soon as possible.

A sharp scent hit Natsu's nose, but he didn't register what it meant in time to warn Gray. He'd made sure to leave the wasabi stuffed rice ball at the top so Lucy would grab it right away. What was meant to be a silly prank on her, payback for making him go along with her evening plans when all he wanted was to sit and mope, now went into Gray's mouth.

Natsu expected the result to be immediate, but for three agonizing seconds, nothing happened after Gray sank his teeth into the wasabi bomb. When the reaction hit, it felt to Natsu that it transpired in slow motion. Gray's eye widened as the angry burning sensation hit his tongue, then the hand that had been resting on Natsu's shoulder went up to Gray's mouth, twitching as he fought the urge to spit everything out. Natsu was impressed when Gray forced himself to swallow what he'd already bitten into down, but unsurprised when his willpower gave out and he tossed the remains of the rice ball, abandon his post holding Natsu, and scrambled to the edge of the picnic blanket to shovel snow into his mouth.

"The candy canes just make the heat worse," Gray sobbed, and Natsu shrank back with guilt.

Even if Natsu hadn't declared himself the rice ball maker, that one would have obviously been his doing. He tucked his knees in against his chest and waited for Gray to return to his side, nose and eyes both streaming, face scarlet, before saying, "Lucy was supposed to eat that one."

"What did Lucy do to make you hate her?" Gray asked.

Unable to think of a mature response, Natsu pointed skyward and cried, "Look! A shooting star!"

Gray glanced up despite himself, and when he looked back down Natsu had stuffed his face with a salmon rice ball.

Shaking his head in amusement, Gray put his arm back around Natsu's shoulder before grabbing an easier to inspect sandwich. If only one of them ate, they weren't going to get Natsu home within a reasonable time.

-x-

STA: I'm not a fan of the idea that someone just tastes like something. Y'all taste like saliva. If you taste food when you kiss a person, they probably haven't brushed their teeth since the last time they ate.

Supernova888: I'm not going to lie. I thought of all the times you tried to call it when I wrote that author's note.

Ryuu91: After dragging you guys out for half a year, I hope I met expectations '-'

Asuka1920: Sorry! I missed you when I was first posting. I don't generally write sex scenes, but I do like to imply things.