I'm replying to reviews here cos I have been an ass lately and not replied at all and my email is being a bitch when it comes to sending the things out, it always seems to lose the signal as I'm doing it and I never know if the message has been sent or not… stupid hacked wireless internet…
Knux33- I'm glad I'm not the only one! I love it when bad things happen- after all, being good is severely over-rated! *maniacal evil laughter*
- hehe I'm glad you liked it! Knowing that people are reading this stuff makes me more inclined to skip lectures and write more… which may not be a good thing…
Fallendemise21- Why thank you, I aim to please!
Signrain- I'm very glad you do! I hope my strangely erratic updates keep you interested long enough to reach the end!
Author owns not the –man, though she DOES own this storyline AND the final chapter of it that she is desperate to post… must write faster… (LOL not had a disclaimer for a while, have we?)
Chapter 21- What now?
Last time-
Allen raised the mirror to his face and gaped in shock, small tears gathering in his eyes. Only, they didn't look like his eyes anymore. The predominant colour was still the soft grey of a rainy day, but the irises also held a tinge of gold- the barest hint, but anyone who had looked into his eyes before would notice the difference. His skin, usually slightly tanned, but still pale, looked ghastly- grey tinged and like death warmed over. And his hair…he frowned and fingered a lock of once pure white hair, feeling oddly upset and angered by the change.
Five or six streaks of the darkest ebony ran through the entire length, with a couple of half-changed, two-toned locks mixed in.
There would be no hiding it now- his secret was out.
"Shit."
0o0o0o0o0
There was nothing but a stunned silence. Allen hardly dared to look up, afraid of what he would see on the faces of his closest friends. Out of the corner of his eye he saw Kanda's hand still clenched around Mugen, which, while it was reassuring to know that he wasn't being blindly trusted despite the fact that he seemed to be himself, albeit with some cosmetic changes, it did make his heart clench a bit knowing that not even the person who knew him best trusted him completely anymore.
After a few more minutes of strained silence, Lavi cleared his throat. "Well, that explains what was off about you when you came back from the ark" he stated matter of factly. Allen glanced at him questioningly, but couldn't quite meet that all-too-knowing green eye. The fact that Lavi was unconsciously grasping the handle of his hammer wasn't helping either. "Oh come on, you think I'm that stupid? It's my job to notice these things" Lavi said, perhaps a little harsher than he intended, but he was shocked, and honestly disappointed that Allen hadn't shared this with him. Then a thought hit him. "You told the Panda, didn't you?" he asked, his tone suddenly frigid. "And you asked him not to tell me" he stated, seeing the resignation on Allen's familiar-unfamiliar face. "What's the matter Allen? Don't you trust me enough to tell me when something's going wrong?" Lavi clenched his fists at his side, feeling betrayed and wronged. Allen had gone behind his back instead of sharing his problems, despite the number of times the redhead had reminded him that they were able to tell each other anything. Or they should have been. "I thought you were my friend" he hissed angrily, momentarily forgetting his audience and the fact that as a bookman, he shouldn't even be feeling these emotions, let alone expressing them in front of witnesses.
Allen didn't say anything, hunching his shoulders as though trying to make himself as small as possible and flinching a bit at Lavi's sudden unexpected verbal assault.
"That's enough" Kanda interrupted firmly, at last letting go of the blade and moving closer to the other general, but he hesitated before touching Allen gently on the shoulder, trying to encourage him to stand. He had hoped that his reluctance to make contact hadn't been noticed, but the way that Allen curled in on himself tighter told him he wasn't that lucky.
"Don't" whispered Allen, leaning away from the man crouched at his side. "Don't force yourself to, it isn't helping anybody."
Lenalee tutted angrily and knelt at Allen's side, slinging her arms around his stiff shoulders and drawing him closer to her. "Don't worry Allen, I know you're still you. We'll think of something." She brushed the oddly two-tone hair from his eyes, frowning slightly at the sight of the changed irises and the very faint outlines of the crosses on his forehead.
Jim crouched beside her, a lopsided grin on his face as he looked at his general. "Like you weren't odd looking enough" he laughed, giving Allen's forehead a playful flick before offering his hand. "Come on, we can't sit around moping all day, we need to get somewhere safe and decide what we're going to do now." He stood, drawing Allen to his feet as he did so, and throwing a dirty look at the two older men. It was painfully obvious that Allen was still Allen, and the last thing he needed was his friends to treat him any differently. "Are you two coming?" Jim asked coldly as Allen hung listlessly between him and the Aviran, Lanel having silently taken his place at Allen's side. Allen's eyes were hollow as he stared blankly into the distance, barely paying any attention to what was going on around him.
Kanda was the first to pull himself together. After all, he'd already known that the Noah was lurking inside Allen's mind. He had just never thought that the presence was anything but a benevolent force, as intent on stamping out the Earl as the exorcists were. How wrong he had been. He stood gracefully, glancing back at Lavi who still looked furious. The Japanese exorcist never thought he'd have said it (and he knew he wasn't going to do it out loud anyway), but perhaps Lavi had a right to feel the way he did. The redhead and Allen had always been close, far longer than himself and the white-haired man had been (although in a total platonic, fraternal sense, of course) and the added sting of going behind Lavi's back to talk to the elder Bookman, and to ask that Lavi be kept out of the loop… He'd have been furious as well. He cocked his head to one side, wondering what was going through the bookman apprentice's head right then, raising an eyebrow in question. After a moment Lavi's shoulders slumped and he huffed out a breath, following after the others with stiff, awkward movements, as though restraining his anger. Kanda allowed himself an almost silent sigh as he followed the redhead. Lenalee had said they'd work something out, but for the life of him, he couldn't think of anything they could do to make this better.
0o0o0o0o0
"How do you feel?" Jim asked, handing over the mug of tea before taking a seat opposite Allen.
The general looked at him. "How do you think I feel?" he asked, but there was no venom in the words, only a deep, intense tiredness.
"You look pretty crappy" agreed the younger man with a small laugh. "Why didn't you tell any of us?" he asked after a few minutes. "We might have been able to avoid this."
Allen looked away, worrying his bottom lip with his teeth before sighing. "I know, but I thought…" he sighed again. "Well, you haven't reacted in the way I thought you would" he admitted after a pause. "And by not telling you, I've hurt you all, it's just that… I thought I was protecting you by not saying anything… If Central Administration thought you knew anything about it, ad hadn't reported it…"
"Then why did you tell Kanda?" asked Lenalee curiously.
Allen shot an ugly look at Lanel, who regarded him sheepishly. "It wasn't through choice" he growled, glaring at the angel. A thought occurred to him. "Lanel, if you're an all-knowing guardian, then why didn't you know that the Noah was actually my evil side?"
Lanel gulped, and the most human expression Allen had ever seen the angel wear crossed his face- fear.
Allen's glare intensified. "You knew?"
The Aviran cleared his throat. "Well… the Noah might be your 'black' side, but it isn't evil. In fact, it has no opinion one way or the other regarding the outcome of the war…" he paused for a moment as though to gather his thoughts. "All I knew was that for the Black Order to win this war, the powers sealed in your Noah form needed to be awakened. That was what I was sent to do."
Allen grit his teeth. Now that the transformation had begun in earnest, he had already felt the strange pull of the Noah's… his powers. The abilities he had worked so hard to conceal and control were right there assessable and asking to be used. He closed his eyes to ward of the headache that was beginning to pound at his temples, remembering the same sensation when he had first opened his mind to the presence that had apparently always been lurking there. Would he suffer the same now if he did not use his powers?
Lanel was still watching him intently. "You are very strong… it is likely that unless you utilise some of that strength on a daily basis, the power would built up" he said as though he had read Allen's mind. Remembering that the Aviran had his powers back, Allen realised he could well have done.
"What abilities do you have?" asked Jim interestedly, leaning forward a little.
"Anything he wants to happen, does" Lanel said simply.
Allen rolled his eyes. "I'm not sure how it works, but if I want something to happen, I can make it do it."
Lenalee and Jim looked at each other, confused.
"Look, if I want that wall over there to turn pink with orange polka-dots, if I will it to happen…" Allen blinked as the push of power left him, feeling far easier than it had before and the wall became a lurid shade of pink with ghastly orange dots over it.
Jim covered his eyes dramatically. "Argh, make it go away, I'm going blind!"
Allen laughed indulgently and the wall returned to its original puke-yellow colour.
"On second thoughts, I preferred the pink" muttered Jim with a disdainful look at the décor. "Can you do anything else?"
Allen shifted uncomfortably, not really wanting to carry on this conversation, but he'd already learned where lying had got him.
"Allen?" prompted Lenalee, sensing the shift in Allen's thoughts.
"I can… I can make people do things…" he said quietly, still very uncomfortable.
"What do you mean?" the female exorcist asked, a frown marring her features.
"I can change things to suit me… and that includes people's minds…" he finally admitted. It was something he had never tried to do beyond discovering he could but when Bookman had asked whether he was able to, he had found his curiosity roused and knew he needed to know if such a thing was possible. Turns out it was. He would never use that ability on his friends or innocent people, of course, but it was a handy talent to have in his arsenal. He finally looked up at the two stunned faces opposite him. Lanel already knew about this particular ability… it had been on the angel that it had been tested, after all, so he was not surprised, but Jim and Lenalee were looking at him in a way that made Allen suddenly wish he hadn't told them anything. "I don't want this power! I've never used it! I never want to!" he exclaimed, suddenly feeling the need to defend himself.
Jim shook his head, swallowing tightly. "If you can do that, then why don't you change the minds of the people who sent you out here? Stop the inspectors from distrusting you?"
Allen shook his head violently. "No! That's exactly why I don't want to stat doing things like that! NO one will trust me again if they knew. And it would start off with one person… and lead to another…" he scrubbed his face with his hands. "Tell me the first thought that crossed your mind wasn't that I might have already used that ability on you." There was no answer, just an awkward shuffle from both of the exorcists. "See? Already you don't trust me. Whatever I do know, I'm doomed."
0o0o0o0o0
Kanda watched as Lavi stomped around angrily. The redhead had some strange ways to work out anger problems Kanda thought as Lavi kicked a hapless pebble viciously. If it had been him, he'd have killed something and have done with it.
"Dammit!" snarled Lavi as he missed the pebble the second time he went to kick it.
Kanda raised an eyebrow as Lavi spun around and kicked a tree. "You do realise that you're doing more damage to yourself doing that?" he asked sarcastically as Lavi hopped on the spot a moment while the throbbing in his foot died down.
"What, so I should take your approach and just chop the bloody thing down?" Lavi asked with a sigh as he sat at the foot of the tree he's just assaulted.
Kanda said nothing, but came to sit beside his… friend. He gave a little mental cringe at that, since he'd spent half his life trying to deny he even knew the bookman apprentice. He didn't ask what was wrong, he didn't have to. Lavi knew him well enough that the question wasn't needed.
"I just wish he trusted us more. What was he afraid of?"
Kanda considered this, thinking back to when he had first learned about the Noah.
XxXxXxXxX
"Moyashi, you can talk to me instead of yourself you know."
Allen cringed. "Sorry" he gestured to the shirt "I was just think what to do about this."
"Liar. You're worried about going back because you don't think people will treat you the same when they know."
Allen shook his head. "No, I really was thinking about the shirt, but I guess you're right. All this is going to take some getting used to." He leaned back against Kanda's bare chest with a sigh. "You are sure about this aren't you?" he asked, still unsure. "I know you; you're dedicated to the Order. It must be hard for you to keep a secret like this. I'll understand if you change your mind, I won't fight you."
Kanda's hands, which had been gently rubbing along Allen's shoulders and upper back stilled suddenly as he realised that Allen was offering to surrender himself to Kanda so he could turn him in. Kanda's throat constricted- he knew in his head that it was the right thing to do. This way he could make sure Allen was taken care of properly and he would not punished for keeping the existence of a new Noah secret from his superiors. But his heart, something that only Allen seemed to be able to get him to listen to, told him that doing so would break something between them that would not easily be fixed, if it even could.
Over the last few years they had suffered many hardships, yet they had been the one constant in the others life and he knew neither of them would be able to make it through this war without the support of the other. Even as he thought it, Kanda was surprised to learn that he wasn't embarrassed by it- it was just one of those simple facts of life that he accepted as truth and lived with.
Allen swiped at his eyes, assuming Kanda's long silence meant the worst, and dressing himself in his newly repaired clothes allowed the Noah to come forward. He sensed in the Noah the same sadness he felt within himself, and for the first time he truly understood how deep their bond went. It was true- they had grown together, shared experiences, and even fallen in love with the same man.
When he was ready, he turned back to Kanda who was still sitting on the bed deep in thought. It didn't even look as if he'd realised Allen had moved. "Yuu, I'm ready" Allen said quietly. "You can take me back now."
Kanda looked up sharply, staring into Allen's golden eyes. Though alien in colour, they were still very much Allen's eyes. He was still Allen, testified in the way he stood, the angle at which he held his head, and the strong, unflinching way he met Kanda's gaze as he waited to be taken as a willing prisoner.
With a wordless distressed cry Kanda grabbed hold of Allen's arms and pulled him down onto the bed, grasping his shoulders and shaking him a little.
The sudden violent motion startled Allen and he only just managed to keep his cool- one stray thought could easily become reality in this room of his own creation.
"Dammit Moyashi! Why do you have to be so self-sacrificing all the time? You can afford to be selfish sometimes too!" Kanda shook him again, his voice strained by emotion. Allen remained silent. "I thought you knew by now! I might be dedicated to the Order, but nothing is higher on my list than you."
Allen swallowed a few times, too overwhelmed by Kanda's confession to speak. Eventually in a light, half-joking manner he said "you can't go around saying things like that! The Order would consider it heresy! You might accidentally cause your innocence to turn on you!"
Kanda scoffed. "You are the Order's best hope for winning this war. As far as I see it, by helping you, I'm helping the Order."
XxXxXxXxX
Cringing a little at the recollection he relayed the memory to Lavi, who listened intently, a faint frown creasing his face.
"He thought he was helping us by keeping us in the dark?" asked Lavi incredulously when Kanda fell silent again. "Is he crazy? What sort of twisted logic is that?"
Kanda shrugged helplessly, but his thoughts were running along a similar track. Allen had thought that he was protecting his friends by not telling him what was going on, choosing to shoulder the burden rather than share it.
"I don't know why I expected anything different" Lavi said eventually, sounding more tired than angry now. "He's always been like that. I can understand that he was afraid of what we would think, what would happen if the higher-ups heard about it, but Goddammit I thought he trusted us! This about not telling us so our loyalty to the Order wouldn't be questioned is bullshit! He was just afraid that none of us would treat him the same! Well screw that!" Lavi leapt to his feet and stormed in the direction if the inn where the other four exorcists were currently sitting.
Feeling slightly worried about what the redhead had planned, Kanda followed swiftly.
0o0o0o0o0
Lavi flung the door open so hard it hit the wall and bounced back, almost taking out Kanda who was hot on the redheaded bookman's heels.
He practically stomped up to the table, grabbing the back of Allen's chair and hauling it backwards, tipping the very surprised Noah-exorcist onto the floor before grabbing him by the collar and dragging him to his feet, letting fly a punch that knocked Allen back onto the table, nursing a rapidly swelling jaw. "You" Lavi said, levelling a finger at Allen who flinched slightly as though expecting another blow, "are the biggest Goddamn idiot I have ever met, and I know Kanda!"
Allen blinked, though whether it was from the insult or the fact that Lavi had referred to Kanda by his surname nobody knew.
Eventually Allen dropped his hand, revealing a large red mark that would normally bruise forming on the right side of his face. "You should've hit harder Lavi, if you wanted to really leave a mark" Allen said quietly as the swollen area began to shrink, the Noah's healing ability wiping the blemish away.
Lavi tensed, and for a moment Allen though he was going to get hit again. It seemed that everyone else thought Lavi was going to swing for Allen again too… Jim and Lenalee were on their feet, Lanel was tensed for action and Kanda had half-drawn Mugen from its sheath, but the blow never came. Instead the redhead made a frustrated sound and grabbed Allen by the shoulders, pulling him into a crushing hug. "You are so stupid!"
Allen tensed for a moment before relaxing. "Yeah, I know."
0o0o0o0o0
I'm giving you chapter twenty one today, cos I'm nice like that, and would like to make the following announcement. Because I am not the most… consistent of authors with my updates, I hereby announce… an update schedule. I promise that I will post at least one chapter a week, with said update being Thursdays. So you have this one today, and another later this week, 'kay? *grins* and with that thought I direct your attention to that (still) fugly green button down there. See it? Good… you now what to do!