While Paramount would never be smart enough to do with these characters what I'm doing, I, alas, do not own them.

Chapter 3: A Stroll

by Lelila

The next morning, Kathryn made an appearance on the Bridge at the beginning of Alpha shift and then promptly shut herself up in her Ready Room. She buried herself in work in an attempt to keep herself from thinking about kissing Chakotay.

She really didn't know what had possessed her to do that. She had been so startled and confused when Chakotay had woken her all she really knew was that something was wrong about waking up in his arms. She'd followed her fight-or-flight response and made for the door. But when he'd caught her, and she'd looked into his eyes, seeing such concern there, something inside of her melted. The ache she'd felt a few nights prior pulled at her again, and the only thing that had made any sense to do at that moment was to kiss him.

But the bright light of Alpha shift had left her terribly confused. Everything she'd ever said, everything she'd been trained for, everything she believed in, everything she'd promised herself and this crew told her she couldn't go down that road. Then why had it felt so right?

She was jarred out of her reverie by the sound of her door chime. She sucked in a breath and shook her head, pulling herself back to the here and now. "Come in," she called.

Chakotay came in as he did every day about this time to deliver the morning reports. "Repairs are about complete," he said as he handed her his PADD. "We should be back to 100% late today or early tomorrow."

"Good," she replied, plastering a fake smile on her face. "Any surprises during the repairs?"

"Not really," he answered. "Oh, and that 'unholy racket' you heard last night was the spraying of insulation between the inner and outer hull. I guess the application gun can be quite noisy." He paused, his friendly demeanor evaporating a bit as he became a little hesitant. "Speaking of last night," he said softly, "you left your boots in my quarters."

Kathryn felt herself blanch. "So that's what happened to them," she rasped, barely above a whisper. "I wondered why I couldn't find them this morning. I had to replicate a new pair."

"Do you want them back, or should I recycle them for you?"

Kathryn chewed her lip for a moment. "I think I'd like them back. They're all broken in the way I like."

Chakotay nodded. "I'll bring them over." He hedged a moment, then dropped his voice even lower. "About…how you said goodnight…"

She held up a hand, daring to look up into his eyes. "Not now. I promise you we'll talk about it, but not now, not here."

"Alright," he acquiesced, dropping his eyes in an expression of both disappointment and thoughtfulness. "Tonight?" He flicked his eyes back up to hers. "Dinner. My place. I'll cook."

Kathryn released a breath she didn't realize she was holding. The look of expectation and hope in his eyes was a little frightening, but was also something she couldn't say no to. "You mean actually cook?" she challenged as she tried to take control of the situation again. "Not just hope the replicator doesn't butcher your request?"

He smiled, the appearance of his dimples making her insides warm a bit. "I mean actually cook. 1900 hours. Civilian clothes; no uniforms."

That made Kathryn swallow a protest, but she realized he was right. This was more about Kathryn and Chakotay than about the Captain and Commander. She nodded. "I'll see you then."

Chakotay flashed his dimples again and took his leave, leaving Kathryn with the morning reports and a head full of jumbled thoughts.

She scrubbed her hands over her face. It was obvious she wasn't going to get any work done; she needed to sort this out in her head.

After a moment of pondering, she struck on an idea. She tapped her comm badge. "Janeway to Chakotay."

"Chakotay here."

"Commander, I'm going to take a walking tour of the ship. Just comm me if you need anything."

"Acknowledged."

Kathryn tried to do this once or twice a month: take a stroll through the ship. It was a kind of informal inspection and it took her to areas she didn't normally go to and gave her a chance to talk to crew members she didn't see often. She felt it helped her keep in touch with her ship and crew.

Something she'd discovered early on was that it was a good thing to do when she needed to think. Much of the stroll was spent walking alone from place to place. She'd worked out quite a few problems while taking these tours of her ship.

She wandered aimlessly for nearly an hour, not actually stopping anywhere, her thoughts and feelings a jumbled mess. She could admit being attracted to Chakotay; he was tall and strong and handsome with an adorable smile, and, perhaps more importantly, he was smart, well-educated, honorable and kind. And he could make her laugh; that was a big plus.

She could also admit that, especially since New Earth, she had a strong bond with him. He was certainly the best friend she had on this ship, maybe the best friend she'd had in a very long time. And being with him was easy. At least it usually was, when she wasn't wrestling with her feelings about him.

She found herself in the Airponics bay, pondering some daisy-like flowers. She couldn't say she was really looking at them; it was just something pretty to put in her field of vision while her thoughts jumbled around in her head.

"Captain?" Kes's honey-smooth voice gently pulled her back to the present. "Is there something I can help you with?"

Kathryn forced a smile. "No, thank you. I'm just taking a walking tour of the ship." She paused, taking a moment to really look around the bay. "I must say, you've done a wonderful job down here."

"Thank you. Do you like the bachelor buttons?"

"I'm sorry?"

"The flowers," Kes smiled. "The Doctor calls them feverfew; we're growing them because the leaves have anti-inflammatory properties, but my research tells me that they're commonly called bachelor buttons."

Kathryn's smile was genuine now. "I didn't know that."

"Really? It's from Earth."

Kathryn chuckled. "As I'm sure your research will show, there are a lot of different flowers on Earth, and I'm no botanist. I honestly thought these were some type of daisy."

"Daisy?"

"Another type of Earth flower."

Kes nodded, smiling but looking a little embarrassed. The Ocampa's posture changed after a moment, and she looked directly into Kathryn's eyes. "Maybe it's not my place, Captain, but, is something bothering you?"

Kathryn dropped the girl's gaze. Kes was so perceptive about such things. Certainly some of it had to do with her telepathic abilities, but Kathryn knew she was also a very sensitive person. "It's personal, Kes," she answered after a moment. "But thank you for your concern."

Kes shifted her weight between her feet. "Again, maybe it's not my place, but…do you have someone you can talk to about personal things? You seem somewhat…removed from the crew at times. I know I don't have your experiences, but I'd be happy to listen."

Kathryn gave her a genuine smile. "Thank you again, Kes. That's very kind." She was about to decline the offer when an idea struck her. "Could I ask you a personal question?"

"Of course!"

"Are you happy here? On Voyager?"

"Yes!" Kes's face lit up. "I've seen so many wonderful places and made so many wonderful friends. It's so far beyond what I'd dreamed of when I left the settlement…I can't tell you how incredible and exciting it is to be here!"

Kathryn couldn't help but laugh in delight along with Kes. She had to admit, there were still moments she felt that way, though they were few and far between anymore. She quickly sobered and pushed a little closer to her point. "And you're alright with the idea that you might spend the rest of your life on this ship? That you may have to make important life choices like marriage and children while you're here?"

"I honestly couldn't think of a better place to do it."

"You wouldn't want a more permanent home? A real community?"

"But this is a community," Kes enthused. "Maybe more so than most because we know we all need each other."

Kathryn nodded. "I suppose you're right."

Kes canted her head, considering the woman in front of her. "Captain…are you thinking about starting a family?"

Kathryn snorted a surprised laugh. "I wouldn't go that far. But…" She lowered her voice and started to pace away from Kes. "I have been thinking about…" She paused, unsure how to phrase this feeling. "About…life passing us by."

"Captain?"

Kathryn turned back to face the young woman. "Maybe you feel differently because your species is so short-lived, but I have every intention of getting this crew home with a lot of their lives left to live. I really expected to have us home by now, to tell the truth."

Kes spoke slowly, betraying her thought process. "And you're worried that the things that you're waiting to get home to won't be there because it's taking too long?"

Kathryn nodded and continued on in a whisper. "And I'm worried that I want now the things that I was waiting for." She shook her head. "Am I being selfish? I feel like I'm being selfish."

"Of course not," Kes's voice was firm, but reassuring. "If a pair of crew members came to you and told you that they wanted to get married, would you tell them 'no, you have to wait until we get home'?"

"That's not my place."

"Then why should it be any different for you?"

"I'm the captain. My job is to keep these people safe and get them home as fast as I can."

"That's everyone's job," Kes pointed out. "Is there some reason we can't all be happy while we're doing it? And suppose it does take seventy-five years to get to the Alpha quadrant. Why should anyone on this ship, you included, put their life on hold for all that time?"

Kathryn heaved a sigh, feeling her normally stiff posture deflate. She dropped her chin to her chest and sagged against one of the shelving units. She could hear Chakotay's voice speaking Kes's words.

"Captain," Kes circled into her field of view. "Certainly I don't know what's best for this ship or its crew or even for you, but I do know this: you'll only find happiness if you listen to your heart." She reached out and put a hand on Kathryn's shoulder, waiting to speak again until their eyes met. "What is it telling you?"

"I…" Kathryn hesitated, unsure how to answer. But something in Kes's eyes gave her strength and, for a brief moment, she was able to analyze her emotional state. "It's…it's being shouted down by my head."

Kes's lips turned up in a small smile. "When I first met Neelix, everyone told me I should stay away from him. And what they said made sense: he was Talaxaian, not Ocamapa, he was a trader and gone much of the time, and he didn't exactly have the greatest reputation for being honest. But somehow, as soon as I met him, I knew he would never hurt me. And despite everyone's advice, despite my own common sense, I listened to that inclination and found one of the sweetest, most loving, most wonderful people I've ever known. And following him brought me here." Kes's smile grew broad.

Sweetest, most loving, most wonderful… Kes could have been describing Chakotay. Kathryn's heart constricted with longing again. "Thank you, Kes," she rasped out after a moment. "You've given me a lot to think about. And listen for." She managed a small smile.

"Well," Kathryn drew a breath and squared her shoulders, pulling the Captain back to the fore. "I need to be going. But, thank you again. It's good to know I have someone I can talk to." She smiled at Kes and squeezed her shoulder before turning to go.

"Captain, wait!" Kes called after her. "Take a bachelor button." She held one out. "Maybe it will brighten your day."

Kathryn smiled brightly and accepted the small flower. "Thank you," she said as she tucked it into the center of the swirl of hair she had pinned to her head. "It just might."

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Kathryn continued her stroll around the ship, turning her conversation with Kes over in her head. What was her heart saying?

Her wandering brought her to the Mess Hall, empty and dark and quiet, absent even of Neelix for a brief time between breakfast and lunch. She didn't bother calling for the lights, just replicated herself a cup of coffee and settled into one of the sofas pushed against the wall. She sipped her coffee and stared out at the stars, hoping they would bring some kind of an answer.

After a few minutes the lights came on. Kathryn squeezed her eyes shut at the sudden assault.

"Captain! What a pleasure it is to find you here!" Neelix's cheerful voice sounded from behind her.

Kathryn jumped.

"Oh, I'm sorry Captain! I didn't mean to startle you!"

Kathryn held up a hand as she turned to face him. "It's alright. That's what I get for sitting alone in the dark."

Neelix leaned around as she turned. "Is that a flower in your hair? It's lovely!"

Kathryn reached back and ran her fingertips over the petals. "I stopped in airponics and these were in bloom. Kes gave it to me."

"That's so like her, my sweet dear," Neelix smiled to himself. "But I must say, Captain, it really does set off the color of your hair. You know, that's one of the first things I noticed about you; that color hair is very rare in this quadrant."

"Really? How interesting." Kathryn did her best to feign attention.

"Really. I always have a hard time taking my eyes off you when you wear it down, it is so beautiful!"

"Flattery will get you nowhere if you're angling for something, Mr. Neelix."

"Can't a man compliment a beautiful woman, even if she is his captain?"

Kathryn shook her head. "Neelix…"

"No, Captain, I mean it. You hide it behind that uniform and severe hairdo, but you are an attractive lady. Your ears are a bit small for my liking, but if I were single…"

Kathryn couldn't help but smile.

"And that smile! It really does...what's the phrase Tom's used?" He snapped his fingers. "Light up a room. That's it. An apt description."

A flush of embarrassment warmed Kathryn's cheeks and she looked away. "Tom said that about me?"

"Well, about your smile, anyway," Neelix answered. "May I offer a bit of advice Captain? From your Morale Officer?"

Kathryn did her best to put her Command face back on. "Yes, of course."

"You need to find more reasons to smile. When the Captain is relaxed and happy, so is the crew. That's one of the first things I noticed when I took this position."

"That's good to know, Neelix, but there's only so much someone in my position can..." She trailed off, the whisper of her heart finally becoming loud enough to hear. What it said was still a bit confusing, but at least she knew what direction to look in now.

"Captain?" Neelix prompted after she sat in silence for several moments.

"That's...actually very good advice, Neelix," Kathryn answered. She squeezed his arm and favored him with a smile. "Thank you. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have some things I need to do."

Here's a twist on my normal cliffhanger! Just what did Kathryn's heart say to her? And what things does she need to do? (Would you kill me if I told you it was just catching up on reports?) Find out next chapter...

Eeep! Only two weeks since my last update! I told you, this one just will not shut up. I can't tell you the last time I've been able to get something done this fast.

It's really interesting to me how much this chapter changed. It actually started out as a discussion with Tuvok about fraternization protocols, but I realized most of what she said to Tuvok she'd say to Chakotay next chapter, so it seemed redundant. Ditto with the discussion with Kes; it originally was much more personal. And the bit with Neelix just came to me a couple of days ago; it was like a light going on. That might be my favorite part of writing: coming up with new ideas that fit into the puzzle of what I've already come up with.

Off to work on chapter 4...please let me know what you think so far!