Star Trek and all related characters and concepts belong to Paramount and whoever else can claim them. I, alas, am not one of them.

Chapter 4: Memories, Admissions and New Parameters

by Lelila

Kathryn went back to her Ready Room and somehow managed to get through the most pressing of the reports for the day. She even paused to have a cup of broth for lunch. Still, she was antsy all day, and her mind kept wandering, formulating what she was going to say to Chakotay.

Finally, about a half an hour before the end of Alpha shift, she gave up. She wasn't going to get any more work done and she knew it. She stole out the back door of her office without bothering to inform anyone.

She went straight back to her quarters and decided she would start with a nice long bath. It would give her a chance to relax and clarify her thoughts. She soaked for nearly an hour, rewarming the water several times. As she sat there, she had a strong sense-memory of sitting in the bathtub on New Earth. She remembered the first time she'd gotten into it: she'd felt as though she were sinking into Chakotay's care for her. She hesitated to use the word 'love' even now, though deep in her heart she knew that's what it was.

New Earth. That's where this all started, hadn't it? She'd considered him a valued colleague, even a friend, before that, but during their time there, he became so much more. Exactly how much more she'd always been hesitant to quantify, but maybe…maybe it was time to start the process.

After figuring she was as relaxed as she was going to get, Kathryn stood in front of her closet pondering her meager wardrobe. She kept very few civilian clothes; if she needed an outfit she just replicated it, and, unless she was very fond of it, recycled it soon after she was done with it. As a result, there wasn't very much to choose from, and what there was all seemed much too formal for a dinner with Chakotay.

She wanted something that was feminine and nice but that was also relaxed and comfortable. Again her thoughts wandered back to New Earth. She sat down at her desk and called up the replicator records of the clothes she had created when she was there. The list was small, mostly consisting of comfortable dresses in breathable fabrics. She focused in on a dark green sheath with elbow-length sleeves and a small flared collar. She knew that was a good color for her, and with a little tinkering, it might be just what she was looking for.

She started by changing the material from knitted cotton to an Andorian wool tweed, a light but sturdy fabric used for everyday clothing on many worlds in the Alpha quadrant. The original fit of the dress was relaxed and she changed the bodice back to standard to make it slightly fitted. She made the skirt fuller and put a couple of unpressed pleats into it to give it some shape. She made the short, v-shaped neckline a couple of centimeters deeper and then sat back to inspect her work. It looked good on the computer model.

A few minutes later she stood in front of the full-length mirror in her bedroom, examining herself in the dress. The adjusted neckline fell open a bit farther than she'd expected, but it was far from indecent. She decided it would do. Now, what to do with her hair?

As Kathryn fiddled with her long mane, trying to decide what would be best, it occurred to her that she was acting as though she were getting ready for a date. She certainly felt as nervous as if she were. She mentally shook her head. This was Chakotay, her First Officer, her Best Friend, her…

She wasn't quite sure what that last definition was. Maybe that's why she was nervous. Maybe that's why she was trying to make herself look nice.

She finally decided to tie her hair into a French braid, a style she wore often on New Earth. She put on just a touch of make-up, much less than she wore on the Bridge every day. Puffing out a long breath, she examined herself one last time and decided she would do.

She replicated a bottle of wine to take, but as she removed it from the device and felt its weight in her hands, she paused. Again she felt the urge to re-create what they'd had on New Earth. Impulsively, she ordered one more thing from the replicator.

00000OOOOO00000

Chakotay stirred the simmering entrée and then brought the spoon to his lips to taste the sauce. He still hadn't gotten it quite right. He eyed the herbs and spices he had on the table; he really didn't think any of them would make a difference, and he couldn't think of anything to replicate that would make the change he needed, either. He sighed; this would have to be close enough; he didn't have time to do any more experimenting.

He gave the dish a final stir and decided it was ready. Just as he was putting it in stasis, the door chime sounded. "Come in!" he called. He heard the door open but not close again. He turned to see a figure in the doorway, backlit from the corridor. "Kathryn," her name escaped with the breath he lost at the sight of her. She was stunning, and all Chakotay could do was stare at her and try to remember to breathe.

She wore a simple green dress, the color making her skin glow. Her hair was tied back and a couple of tendrils curled around her cheekbones. A nervous smile played at her lips, but overall her face seemed soft. He saw her pull a deep breath, her bosom pressing against the fabric of her dress. She took a step forward, coming fully into the light of the room as the door cycled shut behind her. The glow of her skin dulled a bit, but she still looked radiant.

"I took the liberty of bringing some wine," she said without preamble. "I hope it goes well with what you're preparing."

Still mesmerized by her, Chakotay managed to propel himself forward. Unable to make his voice work, much less knowing what to say, he gently took the bottle from her hands. For the longest time he stood, just staring at her, drinking her in, before he was able to drop his eyes to the label on the bottle. It was an earthy chardonnay. He smiled, struggling to regain at least some of his faculties. "This is perfect." He looked back up into her eyes and needed to say it: "You look beautiful."

She blushed, the color in her cheeks making her even lovelier. "Thank you," she said softly, the familiar husk breaking her voice. "You look pretty good yourself." She grinned as she swept her eyes over his dark gray pants and cream tunic decorated with native designs. "I've always liked that color on you."

He returned her smile and ushered her in, the odd feeling that this was all some kind of dream clouding his brain. "Please, come in, sit down. Dinner is nearly ready."

He held her chair for her, and as she settled he was pleasantly surprised to see small flowers tucked into the plaiting of her hair. She had often picked a wildflower or two and worn it behind an ear or in her hair while on New Earth. If he found an interesting one in his exploration of the forest he would bring it to her and delight in her smile as she'd examine and sniff it before adding it to her hairstyle for the day.

"You wore flowers," he noted with a smile as he came around to gather the salads.

"Oh! Yes!" She patted her hair, seemingly surprised. "They're bachelor buttons. Kes has some growing in the Airponics Bay, and, well, I just thought they were pretty." She smiled sheepishly.

"I like them," he said as he poured water into her glass, the smile never leaving his face. "They bring out your femininity."

Kathryn cocked an eyebrow. "Are you accusing me of not being feminine?"

"Not at all," he assured her. "You just…hide it sometimes. It's nice to see you display it. It's one of your more attractive features."

Kathryn smiled shyly and then took a long drink of water. Blowing out a deep breath, she asked: "Am I the only one who's nervous?"

Chakotay took stock of the butterflies in his stomach. "Honestly? No." He returned her hesitant smile.

Kathryn shook her head. "This is silly. Here we are, two mature adults who've been around the block a few times, command team of a Starfleet vessel no less, who've known each other for nearly two years now, who have a good relationship, and yet…I feel …"

"Like you're fifteen and out on your first date?" Chakotay supplied, relaxing a little.

"Yes!" Kathryn banged her hand on the table and bent over laughing for a moment. "All the same things keep going through my head: 'Will he like me? Does he think I'm pretty? What if I say something stupid? What if I spill something on my dress?'"

With Kathryn's admission, the spell seemed to break, and this began to feel like any other dinner to Chakotay. He ticked off answers to her questions, doing his best to further lighten the mood. "Um, yes, yes, I doubt you will but if you do we'll just laugh about it, and you'll just have to take it off." He shrugged innocently.

Kathryn glared.

"And…put something else on, of course," Chakotay ad libbed.

"Nice save."

"Thank you."

Kathryn chuckled, shaking her head again.

"I know how you feel, though," Chakotay soothed. "I've had a lot of the same thoughts going through my head all day too: 'What will she say? Will she like the food? Do I have any zits?'"

Kathryn barked out a laugh. "Zits? Fifteen indeed!" She took a sip of water. "Although, now that I think about it, I don't think I've ever seen any blemishes on you."

"I don't get them too much on my face anymore. My back, on the other hand…"

Kathryn stabbed at her salad, a smirk pulling at her features. "I don't know whether I wanted to know that or not."

"Don't ask me about my feet, then."

Kathryn looked aghast.

Chakotay laughed. "I'm kidding! I promise you, I have good hygiene. We lived together for three months; did I ever disgust you?"

Kathryn looked thoughtful as she chewed another mouthful of salad. "Not because of your bathing habits."

Chakotay frowned. "There were other things?"

"Just the way you took your coffee."

"Well, if you find that disgusting, I'm afraid I'm going to I'm going to continue disgusting you."

"Just drink tea; we'll be fine." She waved a hand dismissively.

"Ah, compromise, the sign of a master diplomat," Chakotay teased.

"That's why they gave me this job." Kathryn winked.

Chakotay chuckled as he pushed his salad plate aside. "Ready for the main course?"

Kathryn sipped her water. "Please! I've been wondering what you were making." She reached for the corkscrew at the end of the table to open the wine while Chakotay went to the replicator. He set the serving dish in between them and Kathryn's eyes lit up. "Is that what I think it is?" She leaned over and inhaled the steaming dish.

"As close as I can come, anyway," Chakotay replied, his heart warming at her obvious delight. "I just can't seem to find a good substitute for that citrusy herb we found." He ladled a generous helping onto each of their plates of the mushroom pilaf he had first created on New Earth with local mushrooms and herbs.

"So, tell me how much of this was your doing and how much was replicated," Kathryn asked while studying the food.

"The rice was replicated, as were some of the sauce ingredients. The mushrooms and all of the herbs and spices either came out of the Airponics Bay or Neelix's larder," he answered. "All of the preparation and cooking was done by yours truly."

Her eyes flashed with anticipation and mock-dubiousness before blowing on a forkful and taking a bite.

"Well?" he asked as he watched her chew.

"Not bad," she nodded. "You're right, it still needs…something, but it's not an unreasonable facsimile."

"Thank you." He lifted his glass in a toast. "To…fond memories."

Kathryn touched her glass to his. "And the people you share them with."

He smiled, his insides warming again. "I'll drink to that."

They settled into a comfortable silence to eat their meal, catching each other's eyes over their wine glasses now and again. Chakotay finished first and savored his wine as he watched Kathryn. The color had risen in her cheeks again and he knew something…something was going to happen tonight.

"So, Kathryn," he broke the silence as she scraped up the last of her pilaf, thinking maybe she needed a little nudge. "Why did you kiss me last night?"

Kathryn's face grew hard as she slapped her palms flat on the table and pushed up from her chair. She paced away from him, her body language, voice and gestures all very captain-like. She waved two fingers in the air as she often did when making a point. "You know…I could talk my way out of this. I could. I was stressed, over-worked, over-tired, was mostly asleep, had too much coffee, God knows what you put in that tea." She sat down on the sofa and crossed her legs, all business. "I could even order you to forget it ever happened."

Chakotay frowned at the twinge of disappointment that flared through him. "Kathryn…"

She held up her hand to stop him. "But I'm not going to do that. I'm an adult, and a Starfleet officer, and I am responsible for my own actions. And the truth of the matter is…" She heaved a deep breath and when she continued her voice was softer, both in volume and edge. "I wanted to kiss you."

A jolt of surprise shot through Chakotay. He hadn't expected her to admit it. In a bit of a daze, he rose from the table and went to sit next to her on the sofa. "You did?"

She nodded marginally. "Granted, being mostly asleep was a big factor in my deciding to actually do it, but, yes," she looked away shyly, "I've wanted to kiss you for a long time."

Chakotay's heart swelled in his chest, making it hard to breathe. "You have?" he managed to rasp out.

That crooked half-smile of hers appeared and she placed her hand over his. "That surprises you?"

"No," he replied as he calmed himself a bit. "I just never thought I'd hear you say that. Or have you do it."

Kathryn hissed out a deep sigh. "Me either, actually. But we've been so close lately, and I…" She paused, and Chakotay watched her eyes flick back and forth as her brain worked out what she wanted to say. "Do you know what Neelix said to me today?" she settled on as she met his gaze again.

Chakotay was tossed off-balance for the second time in five minutes; that seemed so random. But she was obviously going somewhere with it, so he went along. "What did he say?"

"He said I needed to find more reasons to smile. That the crew is happier when I'm happy."

"He's right." He paused, turning that over in his head. "Wait. You talked to Neelix about this?"

She waved a hand dismissively. "No. He just caught me brooding and did his duty as Morale Officer."

"Ah."

"Anyway," her voice grew softer and she looked down at where her hand rested on his. "Since he said that, I've been thinking a lot about it, and about us, and about what happened." He saw her visibly swallow. "And I realized that one of biggest frustrations in my life is the fact that I have to hold back my feelings for you." She raised her eyes to his, but seemed afraid of what she might see there.

Chakotay couldn't help but smile. He'd suspected as much. He turned his hand over under hers and threaded their fingers together. "It's one of my biggest frustrations too. What do you propose we do about it?"

She chewed on her lip, looking everywhere but at him. "We…stop fighting it."

Almost involuntarily, he squeezed her hand. He felt his heart bang against his ribcage and his breath grew short with excitement and anticipation. Was she really going to take that step? "Are you sure?"

Her eyes finally met his. "No," she replied, barely above a whisper. "But I do know that when I let myself relax around you, do and say what comes naturally, I'm the happiest I ever am on this journey." Her eyes dropped again, and her voice became even softer. "Maybe the happiest I've ever been."

Filled with hesitant joy, Chakotay put his free hand over their joined ones. But before he could say anything, Kathryn plowed on. "So, I guess what I'm saying is: I don't want us to hold back anymore. If we feel like touching or kissing or making our relationship something more than it is, then, let's do that. But," she stood, pulling her hand from his and standing to pace away, "we need to set some parameters."

Chakotay's ears literally stung at the word. Before he could protest, Kathryn barreled on. "I know you don't like that, but there's no way I'm going to be remotely comfortable with this if we don't. First:" she continued pacing. "Getting this ship and her crew home quickly and safely is always going to be my first priority. Anything else is going to be a distant second."

Chakotay nodded. "I understand. And I agree."

Kathryn's captain voice pushed to the fore again. "And because this is a Starfleet ship and a romantic relationship between the Captain and First Officer is against protocol, this has to remain between us. Outside of our quarters and maybe the occasional locked holodeck, we have to be totally professional."

"I agree," Chakotay repeated.

"The crew can't know," she continued pointedly, almost as if she were giving him an order.

That rattled him. He wanted to broadcast over subspace how much he loved this woman, and she wanted him to keep it from the people they worked with every day? "Kathryn…"

"I mean it, Chakotay," she cut him off. "I don't want them to get the wrong idea. Aside from the breach of protocol, I don't want them to think that they can't come to one of us about the other. And on top of that, I don't want them to think that my drive to get them home is any lower. Just because I've decided to have something of a personal life doesn't mean that I'm going to work any less hard…"

During the midst of her explanation, Chakotay stood, stopping her by placing his hands on her shoulders. "Kathryn. Stop. I've heard all of this before. And if that's what it takes for you to take this step, then, alright. This will stay just between us."

Kathryn was fired up, ready with more reasons, and it took her a moment to relax. "Thank you," she said softly, her demeanor fading back towards the shy.

He smiled at her, raising his hands to cradle her face and gaze into her beautiful eyes. He still saw a bit of apprehension behind them but also hope and anticipation; all things that he felt. Finally having permission, he gave in to an urge he'd had so many times before and softly pressed his lips to hers.

Chakotay's spirit took flight as he felt her return the affection and tentatively place her hands at his waist. The kiss only lasted a few moments, but time seemed to stop. As they slowly separated, she favored him with that gorgeous smile of hers; the one that showed her first molars and made her eyes twinkle. The butterflies in his stomach all took flight again, but this time it felt as if they might carry him away.

Returning her smile, he slid his fingers down her arms to take her hands. As he caressed her dainty fingers, the butterflies suddenly settled into a cold ball. Those delicate fingers weren't always bare. "Kathryn," he whispered as he pulled her back towards the sofa, "come sit down. I need to ask you something."

"What is it?" Her face was open, and her eyes were searching his.

"Before we go any further, we need to discuss the elephant in the room."

"Elephant?" She made a point of looking around the room, a humorous smirk on her face.

"Mark."

"Mark." Her good humor evaporated and she collapsed against the back of the sofa.

"You were engaged to him."

"I was," she acknowledged. She paused, eying him. "You didn't bring Mark up when we were on New Earth."

"I didn't expect to get off that planet; he wasn't a factor. But now that there's a possibility that we might get home…"

"We will get home," Kathryn cut him off, her eyes turning steely.

"…then there's also the possibility that he might be waiting for you. The question is: are you waiting for him?"

"No," she said firmly. "In the beginning I was; in the beginning of this journey I missed him terribly. But as time went on, I missed him less and less. And as I slowly accepted our fate on New Earth…" She sighed and looked down, not really focusing on anything. "I let him go. I don't know when, exactly, I just know that when we got back on the ship and I saw his picture on my desk, I knew he was something that was in my past, no matter how quickly we got home."

Her head still tilted down, she peeked up at him from under her brows. "I don't dream about him anymore, Chakotay. I dream about you."

The ball in Chakotay's stomach warmed and began to flutter again and he felt his cheeks crease with a smile that grew of its own volition. He hooked a finger under her chin and raised her face to his. "Kathryn, I…"

"Don't," she pressed her fingers to his lips. "Despite my…forthrightness in this, I don't want to just jump into a… torrid relationship. This is going to be hard enough for me – for us – as it is. I just…I want to take things as they come, one step at a time, instead of pushing them where we think they should go."

Chakotay wrapped his fingers around the hand pressed to his mouth and softly kissed it a few times before grinning at her. "Did you think I was going to give you some grand declaration, or suggest we take this into my bedroom?"

Kathryn looked a little sheepish.

He squeezed her hand, lowering it onto his knee. "Kathryn, you know how I feel about you. But, I agree, this isn't an easy or simple thing, for either of us. I like your idea; let's stop fighting ourselves and just see where this takes us."

Kathryn puffed a relieved sigh before leaning in and pressing another brief kiss to his lips. "Thank you."

He answered her gratitude with a soft caress to her cheek.

They gazed into each other's eyes for a long few moments. "So…" Kathryn broke the silence. "What shall we do now?"

"Um…dessert?"

"Coffee?"

Chakotay laughed. "Yes, coffee. And biscotti."

Kathryn's dazzling smile returned. "I like the way you think."

I struggled a bit with this one. I knew what I wanted and needed Kathryn to say, but it never seemed to come out the right way. That bit about Mark still seems a bit forced to me. And I'm not a hundred percent sure I kept them both in character the whole time; I think I did okay...be sure to let me know if you thought I did. :)