Star Trek and its characters and situations belong to Paramount. Nothing so awesome belongs to me.

Chapter 7: Self-Admission

by Lelila

The next few weeks were thankfully pretty quiet, though they did have a few more contacts with Lu'ushen vessels. They were all peaceful, and Kathryn noted that none of them were anywhere near as jumpy as the crew with the engineering problems had been.

As a result, shifts were routine, and Kathryn noticed that Chakotay had put himself on Alpha shift for a longer period than was usual. That meant they worked at the same time and had the same time off.

Kathryn knew she should have called him on it, but things seemed to be going well, and from a command position, she could find no logical reason to question him.

From a personal position, she was really enjoying her time with him.

As the days passed, they began to fall more and more into a routine. They'd meet for breakfast either in the Mess Hall or in her quarters. If he came to her quarters, he usually brought a piece of fruit or a pastry so she'd actually eat something along with her coffee.

They'd report for duty, sometimes together, sometimes apart. Aside from perhaps a slight uptick in their on-bridge flirting, duty shifts were professional.

Evenings varied; sometimes they dined together, sometimes they didn't. Kathryn would sometimes go looking for him and find him on the holodeck shooting the bull with some junior officers. Sometimes she would leave them to it, other times she would join them and she and Chakotay would exchange glances from across the room. Other times he would come looking for her and would usually find her in her Ready Room well into Beta shift. He could usually coax her back to her quarters with promises of food, wine, and literature.

Regardless of how the early evening was spent, they always wound up together at the end of it. Even if Chakotay had spent hours playing Parisi squares with Tom and Harry, he always showed up at Kathryn's door showered and in fresh clothing.

Inevitably, they'd end up on her sofa. Sometimes they'd just discuss their days, other times their conversations would range in topic from the mundane to the profound. They often had to remind each other they needed to get some sleep.

While this wasn't that different than the relationship they'd had before they'd agreed to be more than collogues, they were becoming more and more comfortable with touching and being physically close. If they were having a discussion, generally they would face each other, but Chakotay would now take her hand or Kathryn would rest her fingers on his knee. When they read together, he would tuck her against his side, his arm resting comfortably around her shoulders.

Still, they were both skittish when it came to actual physical intimacy. They each seemed to know that once they took that step, there was absolutely no going back.

Not that either of them were against it, or that sex was a taboo subject between them. It came up fairly often in non-personal ways, and they were always adult about it. But while their physical affections had gotten rather heated a few times, something had always stopped them.

That thought was in the back of Chakotay's mind as they settled in to read a short story one evening. It wasn't romantic; in fact, it was rather sad. Still, the language was lovely, even a bit florid, and it seemed to roll off of Chakotay's tongue as if it had been written specifically for him to read.

Before long, Kathryn laid her head on his collarbone and snuggled against him. He squeezed her shoulder as he continued reading. Lost in her warmth, he sank back into the cushions, his reading task going on autopilot as he enjoyed their closeness.

He came to the end of the story just as he felt Kathryn breathe against his neck, raising the hairs at his nape. "Kathryn?" he questioned softly.

She didn't respond, but he again felt her breath against his skin.

"Kathryn?" he asked again, this time shifting his vision to look at her. She was cuddled against his shoulder, her eyes closed and her breathing steady. Smiling to himself, he tried one last time. "Kathryn?"

She responded by nuzzling his collarbone.

His smile broadening, Chakotay carefully slipped his arm under her knees and picked her up as he stood. He'd only taken a few steps towards her bedroom before he felt her stir. "Chakotay…?" he heard her mumble.

"It's all right, Kathryn," he answered gently. "You just fell asleep."

"Oh," she murmured as she wrapped her arms around his neck and nestled further into his embrace.

He'd made it nearly to her bedroom door when he felt her breath on his skin again. This time it was quickly followed by the touch of her lips. Chakotay turned his head towards her again, and before he could say anything, she kissed him.

It started softly, but very quickly became heated. Kathryn flicked her tongue against his lower lip and his mouth opened to her before he realized it was happening.

The smell and the taste of her was overwhelming. His knees grew weak. Tightening his grip around her waist, he slid his arm from beneath her knees, setting her on her feet. Her fingers were suddenly in his hair, sending tingles cascading over his scalp and down his spine as she pulled him down to her level.

Heat filled his belly as her tongue swirled over his. Not to be outdone, he pushed her up against the doorframe and pressed his body to hers, feeling blood rush to his extremities – all of his extremities.

Conscious thought left him as he gripped her shoulders and sucked her lower lip between his teeth. Her throaty moan buzzed against his upper lip. Images of his mouth on other parts of her body flashed through his head…

And then there was an odd pressure behind his eyes and he pulled away, panting. Kathryn was breathing heavily as well and her face was flushed and pupils dilated. "Chakotay?" she asked breathlessly.

"I…I have an early day tomorrow," he fibbed.

The glitter in Kathryn's eyes dimmed a bit as she pressed her lips together. "Alright," she said after a moment. "I should probably be getting to bed too."

Not wanting to disappoint her, Chakotay tried to voice his feelings. "Don't think I don't want to stay, Kathryn, it's just that…"

"No, it's alright," she interrupted as she slid her hands down his chest before dropping them to her sides. "I'm obviously pretty tired too. I was asleep just a few minutes ago." She flashed a sheepish grin.

He returned the expression. "So you were." He kissed her forehead for a moment before smiling into her eyes. "Good night, Kathryn."

"Good night, Chakotay," she returned. "Sleep well."

He nodded his acknowledgement and then headed towards his quarters.

Once back in his rooms, Chakotay collapsed into his easy chair and let his head fall into his hands. Why was he so tormented about this? His bones ached to make love to Kathryn; he'd dreamt about it and was occasionally driven to distraction by the very pull of her.

But the reality of it made him nervous. It wasn't that he didn't think he could please her; he was sure when the time came that it would be wonderful. No, he was worried something might change. Everything had been so wonderful lately…a change in that was the last thing he wanted.

After several minutes of brooding, he came to a decision. He would do what he always did when he was conflicted: he would talk to his spirit guide.

Retrieving his medicine bundle from its drawer, Chakotay spread the objects out on his bedroom floor and sat down in front of them. Activating his akoona, he pressed his fingers to it for a few moments until he felt the familiar tingle run down his back. He picked up his prayer stone and called to the spirits: "A-koo-chee-moy-a, we are far from the lands of our people, and far from the bones of our grandfathers, but I would ask my chosen spirit to find and speak with me to help me understand the confusion I have in my heart."

A swirl of color appeared before his closed eyes. It resolved into a small clearing in a deciduous forest. It took a moment for his eyes to adjust to the dusky light. A cool breeze ruffled through the leaves, breaking the silence. He looked around, mildly surprised to see no one. Usually his spirit guide was waiting for him. Uncertain how to proceed, he pulled a deep breath and sat down on the cold leaf litter, crossing his legs and resolving to wait.

Before long, he heard the underbrush rustle behind him and turned to see a powerful-looking female puma stride into the clearing. She came very near Chakotay before lying down next to him. Her eyes pierced into his and he heard in his head: "Chakotay. It is good to see you. Of what do you wish to speak?"

"My heart is confused, Koh."

Koh cocked her head, twisting an ear back as she regarded Chakotay.

"There's a very special woman in my life."

Koh huffed through her nose and shook her head, her version of a laugh. "How many times have we had this conversation, Chakotay?"

Chakotay frowned, indignant. "Not that many. And certainly not recently."

Koh stared at him a long moment before lowering her head to her paws. "You are correct. It has been some time." She looked up at him from her prostrate pose. "Why does this special woman confuse your heart?"

Chakotay heaved a sigh. "I want her so badly, and yet…"

Koh picked her head up. "And yet…?"

Chakotay looked into the golden eyes. "She's my best friend. Maybe the best friend I've ever had."

"So it is Kathryn of whom you speak."

Chakotay smiled, a little embarrassed. "Yes."

"Your relationship has evolved since we last spoke."

"Yes, for the better, largely. We've both decided to stop denying our feelings."

Koh began to purr, her eyes narrowing in pleasure and the low rumble filling the clearing. "That is excellent news."

"It is, and overall I'm very happy – "

"And yet something troubles you," Koh finished for him.

Chakotay puffed out a breath and let his shoulders sag. "We haven't made love yet."

Koh's purring ended abruptly and she blinked several times in confusion. "That surprises me."

"It surprises me too, a little, but, whenever we take a step in that direction, I can't help but pull back."

Koh cocked her head again, looking askance at him. "Why is that, do you think?"

Chakotay raised an eyebrow, but forced respect into his voice. "I was hoping you would have some insight into that."

Koh huffed at him. "You already know the answer to that. That is not why you have sought me out."

Chakotay had to smile at himself this time. She knew him so well. "As usual, you are correct." He pulled a deep breath. "Things have been good; we've been enjoying each other's company so much…I'm afraid that our making love would change the dynamic of our relationship."

Koh idly licked a forepaw. "Of course it will do that. You seem afraid that it will not be a good change."

"I am," he admitted plainly. "Kathryn is a…complicated woman. And while she's been very good about keeping our personal and professional lives separate, sex involves power. At the end of the day, she is my commanding officer. I'm worried that taking that step would…confuse things. I like where we're at. And while I have moments where I just want to throw her on the bed and have my way with her, most of the time I'm happy just being with her."

Koh looked up at him now, her golden eyes boring into his. "Do you know what her wishes are?"

Chakotay spread his hands in defeat. "No, I can't say that I do."

"Has she shown interest in you in that way?"

Chakotay paused, thinking back on what had just happened. "I think she's like me," he finally answered. "She wants it, but she's not sure of the consequences."

Koh continued to stare at him. "To this point, how have you been proceeding?"

"We've been doing what feels right."

Koh blinked slowly. "Then you have your answer. Do not push her, do not let her push you, but do not be afraid of moving forward. Do what your heart tells you is right."

Chakotay bowed his head reverently. "Thank you, Wise Spirit."

Koh growled softly and then the forest began to fade away.

Still uncertain of his path, but more confident that he could find it now, Chakotay re-packed his medicine bundle and headed for bed.

00000OOOOO00000

The next day started out ordinarily enough. Chakotay greeted Kathryn on the bridge at the beginning of Alpha shift. She returned his "good morning" but seemed a little absent. Being in front of the bridge crew, he didn't question her and just went about his duties.

She excused herself to her Ready Room after a very short time. Chakotay watched her go, noting a stiffness in her shoulders. His fingers twitched with a desire to massage the tension away, but he turned his attention back to the readouts on the center console.

The shift went on normally, if quietly. About an hour and a half in, he left the Bridge to Tuvok and headed towards the Ready Room for his daily discussion about the state of the ship, First Officer to Captain.

When the door opened, he found her seated at her desk studying a PADD. He came to parade rest two steps inside the door, clasping his hands behind his back. "Good morning, Captain," he repeated.

She didn't look up. "Commander," she replied absently. "Anything to report?"

"Nothing that isn't in the morning reports, I'm sure," he replied, all business.

"Mmm hmm."

Frowning, he widened his stance and moved his hands to his hips. "Kathryn, is everything alright?"

She glanced at him briefly. "I'm fine."

"You seem very distracted this morning."

"Just a busy day."

"Anything I can help with? I am the First Officer, after all."

She really looked up at him now, briefly flashing her brilliant smile. "No, thank you Chakotay. This is something I need to figure out. I'll let you know if there's something you can do."

Chakotay raised his eyebrows. "Professionally or personally?"

Kathryn cocked one of her brows in a very good Tuvok impression before smiling again. "Either. Both. Just not at the same time."

Chakotay returned her smile. "Spoilsport."

Kathryn's smile fell. "Chakotay…"

He held up a hand, conceding that he had stepped over the line. "Is there anything else I can do for you, Captain?"

Kathryn's expression went back to all business. "No, thank you, Commander. Dismissed."

Chakotay gave a curt nod of acknowledgement and headed back to the Bridge.

The rest of the shift was fairly quiet, and Chakotay spent much of it musing over what was bothering Kathryn. She couldn't be that upset about his leaving last night, could she?

Towards the end of the shift, he got an invite from B'Elanna to join her in the Mess Hall for supper. While he usually had dinner with Kathryn, he decided to accept. Maybe it would help clear his mind.

He hadn't heard much from Kathryn during the shift, though that wasn't unusual. Still, he was a bit surprised to find her already in the turbolift when he entered it to head for the Mess Hall. "Captain," he greeted her.

"Commander," she nodded in return.

"Deck two," he called as the door slid closed and he took his place beside her. "I'm heading to the Mess Hall for dinner with B'Elanna," he said after a moment. "Care to join us?"

Kathryn smiled politely. "No, thank you. I'm sure I've been taking up too much of your time lately; it will be good for the two of you to spend some time together."

Chakotay couldn't stand it any longer. "Halt turbolift."

"Chakotay?" Kathryn looked up at him, her eyebrows pinched.

"You've obviously been distracted today, Kathryn," he started. "Is this about what happened last night? This is the first time I've been worried that our relationship might interfere with our ability to command. I've never known you to brood on a personal matter like this, especially while on duty. And as much as I care about you, as much as I want this relationship, as your First Officer I can't…"

He was stopped as she firmly pressed her lips to his, digging her fingers into his sleeves.

Before he could respond, she stepped back, a wicked smile on her face. "You're talking in circles," she told him.

"Perhaps," he replied, "but the fact remains that you were the one that insisted we keep our personal relationship off the bridge…"

She silenced him again, this time by raising two fingers and putting on her command face. "You're right; I have been preoccupied today, but it's been about our dwindling paludinium stores." Paludinium was a heavy metal alloy, ions of which were necessary for the holodeck to function. Chakotay was aware of the issue, but since holodeck function wasn't a top priority to keep the ship running, there hadn't been much discussion about it.

"The paludinum stores?" Chakotay repeated incredulously.

"Yes, we'll talk about it later," she dismissed it with the wave of a hand. "But since you brought it up, why did you leave last night?" She crossed her arms, but then cocked an eyebrow flirtatiously. "I've taken men to my bed before, you know."

Chakotay couldn't help an embarrassed chuckle. "Yes, you've told me. It's not that. It's…" He paused. How to put this?

"Chakotay?" Kathryn prompted, her eyes softening with concern.

"I'm…worried about ruining a good thing."

Kathryn's smile turned a little shy. "In truth…I've had that thought myself. But I've had other thoughts, too." The smile turned naughty.

Chakotay's belly filled with something warm and a shiver ran down his back and into his pelvis. Without thinking, he grabbed Kathryn's shoulders and roughly pushed her against the wall of the lift, searing his lips to hers for a moment before insinuating his tongue into her mouth.

Initially, he felt her stiffen, but she quickly relaxed and snaked her arms around his shoulders. Chakotay's breath was loud in his ears as he pressed the entire length of his body to hers. The warmth in his belly spread to his fingers and toes and up to his hairline. His groin twitched as she swirled her tongue over his.

Knowing he wouldn't be able to stop if this went on much longer, Chakotay stepped away from her as suddenly as he'd grabbed her. Both of them panting, they stared at each other for a long moment.

"Trust me, I've had those thoughts too," Chakotay finally said, barely above a whisper. "We'll get there when it's right for us."

Kathryn's luminous smile returned. "I look forward to it."

I've had most of this written for a while (I'm actually quite a way into the next chapter), but I wasn't sure how far I wanted to take the love scene in the middle. I think I'm finally happy with it…I think.

I made Chakotay's animal guide a cat partly because I'm a cat person and that helped me inform her body language, but also because I see Chakotay as more cat-like himself. A lot of fanfic writers make her a wolf, but I don't see that. Wolves are pack animals that are constantly trying to gain favor with the Alpha, sometimes to the detriment of others in the pack. Cats are loners, much more contrary. Yet they are also fierce protectors of their families, again, much more like Chakotay.

"Koh" is the Mayan word for puma.