Worst Party Members Ever

The following takes place when Sora (S), Donald (D), and Goofy (G) meet:

Sora is running into the Third District of Traverse Town

S: Dammit! After all this running around, and I've gotten nowhere!…Wait a minute, what was I even looking for in the first place?

(He hears screaming)

What the hell--(looks up) JESUS CHRIST! IT'S A DUCK AND A…THING! GET IN THE CAR!

(Yes, I did combine two memes into one statement. Now would be a good time to facepalm…)

(He tries to run, but too late; Donald and Goofy land on him)

S: Owww…

D&G: The key!

S: Great. My back is almost fucking broken, and all you care about is my ridiculously oversized key, Thanks a lot, assholes!

(Donald quacks in surprise. A group of Soldier Heartless appear)

S: Wow. As if being crushed by furries wasn't enough, I have to fight more of these emo transvestites!

(C'mon, you know that's what they look like!)

D: Well, Goofy, you know the drill!

G: Right, Donald! Let's dig these motherfuckers a new grave!

S:…

(They defeat all the Soldiers--)

S: Whoa! Whoa! Hold on a minute! What's this "they" business! I had to kill them all my goddamn self!

G: Hey! That's not true!

D: Yeah! We helped out a lot!

S: Uh-huh. Using up all your magic on weak enemies, then wasting all your ethers, and you barely even killed any. Yeah, great job there. Well, at least you did better than Bozo the Clown here (points to Goofy). All he did was dance around with his shield like a retard.

(Before Sora can berate them any further, Guard Armor appears)

S: Oh, for the love of--

(Guard Armor knocks Sora back, hitting him hard)

D: Hey! Are you okay?

S: God dammit! I'm just being battered to all holy hell today! Hey, retard thing! (points to Goofy) I could use a potion right about now!

G: Gawrsh, sorry, but I don't have any more.

S: What do you mean you don't have any more? What happened to them all?!

G: Well, I used them in our battle with the Soldiers…

S: ARE YOU TELLING ME YOU USED ALL YOUR POTIONS AGAINST THE HOOKER-LOVING TRANSVESTITES?!?!?!!?

(Goofy looks at him sheepishly)

S: Okay, whatever. Let's just kill this thing and get it over with…

(They fight the Guard Armor. Well, Sora fights the Guard Armor. The other two flail around like epileptic meth-addled fish out of water and score hits out of pure luck. Eventually, the Guard Armor falls)

S: Man! Fighting a giant tin can is much harder than it looks! Wouldn't you say so?

(Looks to Donald and Goofy, who are still acting spastic) Hey! Dumbasses! The fight is over!

(They stop and look toward him. They then walk over toward him.)

D: Well! Looks like we make a good team!

G: Yup! We sure showed him!

S:…Um, "we"? I could have taken him on by myself, and not suffer any ill effects!

D: Don't be silly! We worked together to bring him down.

S: Well, let me put it this way: If I were to record your little performance back there, it would get about a million hits on YouTube the first day.

G: Gawrsh, we were that good? Thanks!

S: (sigh)

D: By the way, my name's Donald Duck--

G: And I'm Goofy!

D: --and we're on a quest to seek the keybearer, which appears to be you! What's your name?

S: Sora.

D: Great! Now that we're introduced, you can come along with us!

S: Hmm, let me think about that: Hell no!

G: But--

S: Screw you! I'm looking for my friends, and you two idiots would only get in my way! I'm going off by myself!

(Leon (L) shows up)

L: Sora, go with them.

S: Uh, where the hell did you come from? And why should I?

L: Because due to convenient plot devices, these two are the only ones you can go with to look on other worlds, since they have a ridiculously-named spaceship.

S: (sigh) Fine. (walks away with Donald and Goofy, presumably toward the exit)

D: Our ship runs on smiles!

S: Dear God, just kill me now…

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I apologize in advance for the craptastic quality of this. This is what happens when I don't draft in longhand first. Oh well, hopefully this will open the gate for better stories to come!

Note: This was not insignificantly influenced by NCHammer326's "Kingdom Hearts: The Short and Honest Version." Hopefully there is a discernible distinction between his story and mine (HINT: Mine's the crappier version!)