$%!& Twilight Town! (Part 1)
The following takes place during the first day starting out in Twilight Town:
(Roxas (Ro) wakes up from a weird dream, apparently one of many.)
Ro: Man, why do I keep having these dreams that are just like opening sequences to video games?
(Still pondering this question, Roxas heads out to the unnecessarily capitalized Usual Spot to meet up with Hayner (H), who is the very epitome of the dumb jock; Pence (P), the token fat kid of the group; and Olette (O), who may quite possibly have the worst name in the history of female characters. Also, showcasing how far Japan has progressed in casting female characters, she's obsessed with shopping.)
Ro: Okay, why do I hang out with them again?
(Because believe it or not, they're not nearly as big of douchepickles as Seifer's gang, and apparently, including the aforementioned Seifer's gang, the eight of you are the only teenagers in the whole of Twilight Town.)
Ro: Oh.
(Anyway, Roxas arrives to the Usual Spot, where the Usual Gang of Idiots were discussing the recent thefts and consequent frame-up of their group.)
Ro: Wait, the "Usual Gang of Idiots?" Are you implying that I'm somehow an idiot?
(Not necessarily, but unfortunately you hang around them, I can't think of any other name for this group, and you have to admit that the name's pretty apt for them.)
Ro: …Point taken.
(Now, are we done? Fourth walls aren't cheap, you know.)
Ro: Fine.
(Sooo, the Usual Gang of Idiots were talking about the thefts.)
H: Seifer can think that what he wants, that's not what bugs me. What really bugs me is that he's going around telling everybody we're the thieves!
P: Man, what a douche!
O: Shopping!
(I apologize in advance to anybody who might possibly take offense to the caricature of Olette in this story. I only calls them as I sees them.)
P: We've been hit, too. Our -- are gone!
Ro: Wait, our what?
O: You know, our --!
H: And not just --, the word --! They stole it, too!
Ro: …Okay, whatever. We should probably try and clear our names.
P: Hey, that's a great idea!
H: I was totally going to suggest that next.
Ro: I wanted to save your three ounces of brain the extra effort.
H: Huh?
Ro: Never mind, let's just go around the shops and talk to people.
O: OMG Yay! We're going shopping!
(Roxas facepalms.)
(The Usual Gang of Idiots head for Tram Common and talk to the various shopkeepers.)
H: Okay let's go over to that dude over there (points to the armor shop).
(Out of nowhere, a black text box appears, telling the player/Roxas how to walk.)
Ro: Oh you've got to be kidding me…Do the game developers honestly believe that people are so stupid that they need to be told how to fucking walk?!
(Apparently so.)
Ro: Jesus Christ on an iron cross… (walks over to the shop window)
(Another text box appears telling the player/Roxas how to talk to people using .)
Ro: I'm sure I could've figured that out on my own, thank you very much!
Shopkeeper A: Roxas, why'd you do it, man. You were my best customer.
Ro: I swear, we didn't do it!
A: I wish I could believe you…
P: Man, he's a tough nut to crack!
Ro: But we only exchanged three lines of dialogue! Surely if we continue--
H: Let's talk to the woman who owns the accessory shop!
Ro: But we haven't really--
H: Onward!
Ro: God damn it…
(They go to the accessory shop. After an unfruitful attempt at persuasion, thus continuing to showcase that they couldn't sell a glass of water to a person dying of thirst in the desert, they are referred to the candy shop to talk to the old woman there.)
Ro: You know what, this part's taking too long. Let's just say that I targeted the cat, talked to the woman, and now we're in the sandlot, okay?
(Fine with me. Anyway, they go to the sandlot, where who should be waiting there but Seifer (S) and his "Disciplinary Committee." To reflect the truth more closely, I shall refer to them as "The Usual Gang of Assholes.")
Fuu: Thieves.
Rai: That was low, you know?
H: Oh yeah?
Ro: Wow, Hayner, your creativity with comebacks never ceases to amaze me.
Master Chief: Ur m0m nevar seesez to amaiz meh in b3d! LOLLOLLOLOLLOL!!1!1!!eleven!!!
(Hey, get out of here! you're not in this story!)
Master Chief: :( (pronounced "sad face")
S: (walks in) Nice comeback there, blondie.
Ro: I believe I already handled the insult, thank you very much!
S: That evidence was undeniable proof that we totally owned you lamers!
Ro: Lamers? Is that the best your writers could come up with? Okay, let's just get to the fighting so as to save everybody the discomfort of tepid dialogue.
S: …Er, fine then! I'll kick your ass a second time!
(Yet another series of text boxes appear, telling the player how to attack)
Ro: Oh, come on already! I'm sure that there's a good chance that the player played the first game! I doubt like hell that they've forgotten how to attack!
(After the unnecessary series of text boxes, Seifer gets his ass handed to him by Roxas in about 30 seconds, proving that his bark is much worse than his bite)
Rai: Seifer's not feeling so hot, you know?
Fuu: Tournament decides.
Ro: Yeah, whatever. Run away from the fact that your leader is pathetically weak. Seriously, Dusks are more challenging than he is!
(Um, Roxas? You're not supposed to know about those yet…)
Ro: Whoops! Forget I said that, then!
(Pence takes a picture with a camera that he apparently pulled out of his ass. Seriously, where the hell was he hiding that thing? Anyway, a Dusk appears out of nowhere and steals the camera.)
H: What was that?
O: The thief?
Ro: Gee, I wonder.
H: After it!
(Cue a cutscene where the Usual Gang of Idiots minus Roxas run after the thief. After that, Roxas somehow magically appears in the forest, minus everybody else)
Ro: Okay, now how the blue bloody hell does that work?! You know what, never mind, I don't think I want to know…
(Roxas chases after the Dusk, which stops at the front of the Old Mansion, another unnecessarily capitalized location.)
Dusk: (with what must be telepathy): We have come for you, my liege.
Ro: "My liege"? What--
(The Dusk's face unzips, prompting the start of a battle)
Ro: Okay, you weird white thing, prepare for an ass-whoopin'!
(He swings his struggle club, which was also apparently pulled out of his ass, at the Dusk. To his surprise, the club has no effect on it.)
Ro: The hell? I'm hitting it with a freakin' club! I should be doing something to it!
(The club suddenly turns into a Keyblade)
Ro: Okay, struggle club suddenly turns into a giant key. That makes perfect sense!
(The Keyblade points to the Dusk)
Ro: All right, Michael Jackson caricature, prepare to die!
(With Keyblade in hand, Roxas proceeds to own the Dusk, which drops a bunch of photographs after its defeat. Afterward, Roxas takes the photos back to the Usual Spot, where the Usual Gang of Idiots are waiting. After some pointless bullshitting, Pence brings up a valid--and disturbing--point.)
P: So, does anybody else notice that all the stolen pictures are of Roxas?
O: Oh, so that's why everyone thought it was us!
Ro: Wait, are they really all of me?
P: Every single one.
Ro: Dear God, I have a stalker! Must be one of those numerous fangirls!
(Once this revelation is made, the Usual Gang of Idiots head home, leaving Roxas by himself to have another dream-like experience)
Sora (So): Where am I?
Ro: Who's there?
So: Who are you?
Ro: Here's a more important question: How long is all this crap going to take?
(Judging by average gameplay time, and allowing for the fact that cutscenes aren't being skipped, I'd say about 4 hours.)
Ro: …Son of a bitch!
(The scene fades out into the snow and white noise of a nonfunctional TV)
Computer: Restoration at 12%.
(DiZ is in his lab working on his computer, while the "Ansem" (An) walks in.)
DiZ: Organisation miscreants! They've found us!
An: Wait, why did you spell "Organization" the way you did?
DiZ: Because I'm British. That's how it's spelled in Britain.
An: Makes sense, I suppose. Anyway, why would the Nobodies steal photographs?
DiZ: Apparently they're too retarded to tell the difference between photos and the real thing…We're running out of time. Naminé must make haste.
An: Yeah, the length of time this is taking is ridiculous.
DiZ: Well, you'll have to wait a little longer, this is only 1/6 of the beginning part!
An: …
END! (for now)
Okay, wow, this is turning out to be a lot longer than I had previously thought it would be. The scary thing is, I cut out quite a bit! This isn't a tidbit so much as a bite big enough to choke a horse, but hopefully I'll be able to give the other six days their due…
C3PO4