Chapter Four

The first year of High School was the hardest on us friendship. We had all assumed we would stay as a group and continue to hang out with each other, any change that we had. But somehow over time, we went our separate ways. We boys and girls separated into different groups. It wasn't like Primary School where boys and girls played together.

We stopped seeing Angel and Gazzy on the weekends and started doing our own things. Nudge took up dancing and became really serious about it. Gazzy played Football. Fang started art classes. Angel joined her Primary Schools drama club. Iggy made friends with other blind kids from a family support group, and me…well I locked myself away from the world.

First it was, we were all busy so we hung out every second weekend. Then it was once a month, and then finally we stopped seeing each other all together. It wasn't planned, it just…happened, slowly but surely. I went from being with them every day all day, and from talking to Nudge on the phone for hours, to never seeing them, except from across the corridors at school or from a distance in the school ground.

It didn't help that none of us had classes together. Well except from English I had with Fang. But we would sit with different people at opposite ends of the class room. We wouldn't talk except from saying hello and goodbye awkwardly.

And the sad thing was it didn't really bother me, well not at first. I didn't even seem to notice. Until my Mum lost her battle. Before that I had lost my zeal for life. It was a night I wish I couldn't remember. The night she died. Because then I wouldn't relive those last moments over and over again in my mind. She had been in Palliative Care for just over two months. Two excruciatingly, long months. At the end Mum was unrecognizable to me. She was thin and ghostly pale. The light her eyes usually had were gone. She was too weak to talk. Too weak to do anything. In those months, the months I needed my friends the most, I didn't have them. It's funny when you lose something you didn't know how much you relied on.

I had been trying to prepare myself for months that she was not going to be in my life for much longer. I thought it would make it easier. To lose someone when you knew it would happen. Rather than lose someone in a freak accident, you never expected. But it didn't. It was still a shock. It still hurt more than anything. It still took my breath away.

She died on a Monday night. It was at end of Year Seven. Ella was in Grade Five. Dad, Ella and I were by her side.

Lana, Mark and Fang had come up to the hospital to support us. I didn't know how they had found out, but I was glad to see Fang. We didn't talk; he just sat next to me and held my hand. I didn't cry. I was numb. I knew I needed to stay strong for Ella and Dad. Dad was a mess. He just kept saying over and over again. 'My Valencia, My Valencia…'

Age Thirteen

I roll over at the sound of my alarm clock going off. And rub my tired, sore eyes. Dad, Ella and I had gotten home at five this morning. Lana and Mark had offered to come with us, but Dad wanted to be alone. I was glad they didn't come back.

I pulled myself out of bed and pulled off the clothes I am still wearing from last night. I hadn't bother changing out of, and pulled on my school skirt and white shirt from off my floor. I walked over to the mirror and looked at my reflection. I have dark circles under my eyes. I hadn't slept at all. How could I. I look closer at my eyes. I can see my Mum in them…I turn my head quickly, almost giving myself whiplash. I pull my, too long for my liking, dirty blond hair into a ponytail. After, pulling on a clean pair of socks and putting on my black converse shoes, I make my way down stairs. On my way I look in Ella's room. She's asleep on her bed; on top of the covers her clothes still on. I'm glad she's getting some rest. I walk over to her and take her ballet flats off her feet and pull a throw-rug over her sleeping form. She stirs but doesn't wake up. I leave her room quietly closing the door behind me.

Dad's sitting at the kitchen bench when I walk into the room. I stop to look at him. His eyes are red and puffy. He's starring out the window, a blank expression on his face. Do I hug him? Do I act normal? What is normal?

I walk over to the fridge and pull out a carton of apple juice. Noticing there's not much left, and not bothering to take a glass out, I finish it off straight out of the carton.

"Max." Dad says my name with surprise. "You're not going to school? Are you?"

"Of course I am. It's a school day." I say. It came out harsher then I mean. It surprises me.

He frowns. "You don't have to." He stands up from the chair and takes a step towards me but then stops.

"Dad, I need to. Just- leave it, okay." He doesn't say anything else.

I take my jacket down from the rack by the backdoor and leave the house. I forgot my school bag. I pause momentarily. Oh, I won't need it. I continue walking.

I walk through the forest at the back. It leads out to a main road that I walk down as a short cut to School. It's a ten minute walk.

As I go I try to keep my mind off... scary things. I think of school instead. Reliable school. I have a test in English today. I also have one in Maths and Science…my Mum use to help me with Science. She was really good at it. Was. Was is a horrible word! Great! Good job keeping your mind off scary things.

"Max! Max!" I'm interrupted from my thoughts by Dylan a boy in my English class. I try walking faster, pretending I didn't hear him.

"Hey, slow down." He says, running slightly to catch up to me.

"How are you doing?' He asks. "Man you look terrible." He smiles. "What are you so cross about?" He adds in a joking tone. He doesn't know yet. I frown and keep walking. Violence is not the answer, violence is not the answer…

"Hey Max. What's up with you?" He asks. He looks concern. That makes it worse.

"Nothing!" I say, shortly.

"You ready for the English test this morning?" He's trying to make conversation. I can't put up with him on the best of days. There's no way I'm going to today.

"No! Who cares about English!?"

"Oh? Want me to help you? You're usually really good at English. It's nice being the one helping you." He laughs a little.

"I don't need your help! LEAVE ME ALONE!" I yell. He looks taken aback. I feel sorry for him for a moment.

Finally! I can see the school up ahead. I quicken my pace leaving him standing there by himself.

I make my way to my locker.

I take a spot on a table at the back of the class room. I'm late. Which I'm glad for. I don't want to talk to anyone.

I can see Fang glancing at me from over his shoulder. I try ignoring him.

"Good morning class! Books and pencil cases on the floor beside you. Nothing is to be on the tables but a pen. I'll come around with the test paper. No talking." Mr. Mayer our teacher says loudly. He starts moving around the classroom. What a normal day.

Our test is on the class text. We are to do a creative writing piece on the theme Passion and Protest. I try to focus on my work. But it's impossible for me. I don't know why I thought coming to school today was a good idea. It's a really stupid idea. It's not going would keep my mind off scary things! All I can think about is Mum. It can't be real. Surely last night wasn't real. I won't ever be able to hug her again. I won't have her through my teenage years. She won't meet my first boyfriend. Won't see Ella graduate Primary School… Ella's only eleven! Mum won't be at our weddings. I don't even know if I want to get married! But the idea of her not being there is almost unbearable.

"Max? Are you alright?" I hadn't even realized I was crying until Mr. Mayer speaks to me. Am I alright? No. I stand up with so much force I send my chair flying backwards. All eyes turn to me at the sudden noise. I need to get out of here. I can't breathe. I need out!

I run out of the room feeling so much, it's overwhelming.

"Max?" I hear my name being called out after me.

I run straight for the toilets and once inside sink to the floor. I'm physically incapable of holding myself up.

I'm half aware of the door opening and closing, but I am surprised when I feel strong wiry arms wrap around me. They're familiar, yet so foreign. I know who it is immediately. Fang. He pushes my head against his shoulder gently, burying his face in my neck, and stroking my hair.

I cry harder. "I'm so scared! I don't know what I'm meant to do now!? I don't know what to say to Ella or Dad. I don't know how I'm going to live. What happens now?" I sob.

"Shh. I'm here for you. You don't have to go through this alone."

"I can't breathe!" I try to move away from him. Taking in fast shaky breathes. He grips onto me tighter.

"Shh. Take deep slow breathes." He instructs me. I take in a deep breath, but it hurts my chest. I release it with a cough.

"Oh Max!" I hear Nudge's voice. I pull back from Fang and look up at her. Her brown eyes are sympathetic and caring.

"Max I'm so sorry." She says in tears herself. "Fang rang me this morning. I went over to your house. Your Dad said you were at school so I came straight here. I saw you running." She bends down in front of me pulling me into a hug. I hug her with one arm, my other hand still gripping onto Fang. I sob into Nudge's shirt.

"I wish I was an adult! That way I would know what to say. And what to do." Nudges says desperately.

I look at her for a few moments not sure if I should say 'me too'.

Half an hour later and we're still sitting on the floor of the girl's toilets. Our backs are up against the wall. Any time a girl walks in Nudge shoves her out, saying the toilets are closed.

She pulls out her hot pink phone now.

"What are you doing?" Fang asks in a quiet calm voice.

"I'm leaving a message for Iggy to come here. It's about time we were all friends again. Max needs us. All of us." She looks me in the eyes. "I'm sorry Max."

Once Iggy gets to the toilets, running out of class even after his teacher said he couldn't go to the restroom like he asked, Nudge and I had pulled ourselves together. Almost. Somewhat.

"Why aren't we friends anymore?" Nudge asks, her voice strained. She looks from face to face. Searching.

Iggy looks thoughtful for a moment. "We just needed some breathing space. We are still friends. That'll never change." His pale blue eyes looking just over Nudge's head. She nods her head, then responds. "Yeah. We have been so stupid. Max can you forgive me?" Nudge is close to tears again. "I'll quit my dancing and spend every second with you to make up for the time we've missed spending with each other over this year."

"No Nudge. I don't want you to quit dance. I'd be mad if you did that because of me." I look into her face. She doesn't smile when I attempt to smile at her. I wonder if it looked like a grimace, not a smile.

"I'm sorry Max." She says, not talking about our friendship anymore. "What can we do?"

What can they do? Nothing. There is nothing Nudge, Iggy or Fang could say to make it better right now. That has nothing to do with whether they are good friends or not. I search for what to say. But I don't have to say anything.

Iggy laughs slightly. It's a little forced. But that doesn't matter. "I am in the girl's toilets!" He exclaims. I laugh at the randomness of what he says. "I always wondered what it felt like in here, I'd rather see it but...you know. It isn't the way I imagined being in here." He wiggles his eyebrows suggestively. Nudge makes a noise of disapproval and hits him in the arm. Iggy mocks hurt. Fang smirks, rolling his eyes.

"That was me hitting you." Nudge tells Iggy.

He scoffs. "I know! I know a Nudge slap when I feel one." He smiles in her direction.

A comfortable silence falls over us. It feels like we had never been apart. It feels like it used to.

A girl walks into the toilets and stops in her tracks when she sees us.

"These toilets are closed sorry." Nudge says loudly. The girl just turns and walks straight out. No questions asked.

"I am mean." She says after a pause.

"Yeah, we know." Fang agrees. I catch his eye and we exchange a small smile.

"You're sleeping at my house tonight." Nudge tells me, looking determined.

"Am I?" I ask. I don't want to be anywhere but my own house. I pull my legs in closer to my body, resting my chin on my knee.

"Yep." She says popping the P.

"And us?" Iggy asks.

"If you'd like to be killed by my Dad?" Nudge says seriously.

Iggy shakes his head. "Hey. I have an idea. Why don't Fang and I meet you at the cubby in your backyard Max, tonight at, oh I don't know, let's say midnight." Iggy suggests. I smile at him, lifting my head up again.

"Perfect. So I'll sleep at yours Max. Is that okay?" Nudge squeezes my knee. I nod my head at her. She moves in closer to me, resting her own head against my shoulder.

"I'll call Angel and Gazzy." Nudge says after a minute.

"Do you think we'll all still fit in there?" Fang asks me.

"The cubby? We'll find out tonight."