Chapter Eight

Six months. Six months was the amount of time it took Ella and I, too be able to talk about Mum. It was in May, at the end of autumn, on a particularly windy night.

Dad was away on one of his business trips. Ella and I were sitting on opposite sides of the couch in front of the TV, when the power went out. The power going out was quite a common thing to happen in the winter, with us living in such a hilly, tree covered area. There was always a tree falling down on a power line or across the road. On really stormy nights in winter we would have candles ready just in case there was a black out. But in autumn it took us off guard.

We were watching the news, neither of us really paying much attention, when all of a sudden it was pitch black. I don't know why she had decided to confront me then and there. Maybe it's easier saying the hard things to someone when you can not see the person you're talking to, and they can't see you. Or maybe it had been bubbling away in her for so long; she simply couldn't hold it in any longer. Either way, it was time.

Ella and I hadn't really spoken to each other for weeks and when we had it usually resulted in us fighting. It had seemed the more time that passed the farther we drifted away from each other. I didn't hold any resentment towards her. I just didn't know what to say. I wanted desperately to say something to her. Some words of wisdom that would make her feel better, to take her pain away. But when ever I tried talking to her, she'd get all defensive and I'd get angry, and well...It never turned out how I wanted.

Age Fourteen

"Max?" Ella said. Ella always hated when the power would go out. I on the other hand, always found it exciting.

"Yeah, Ella I'm here." I say holding out my hand in her direction in the darkness. I feel material under my fingers, and then I feel her hand push mine away. Why'd she do that? I try to make out her face.

"Why don't you ever include me with your friends?" Ella asked. It was so unexpected; I was stunned, and couldn't find my words. We sat in silence until I spoke again. Not really sure what to say.

"What? I don't," was the best I could come up with.

"Yes, you never include me! You have never once asked me if I want to hang out with you guys. Never! You haven't even asked me to come with you on the yearly camping trip. I always go on the camping trips. It was our thing. Or did you only ever let me go because Mum made you? What? Now that Mum's dead you don't have too."

"Where is this coming from?"

"You spend more time with Fang and Iggy and Gazzy and Angel and mostly NUDGE, then me your sister!" She screamed.

"Ella I didn't know this is what you thought. I didn't know you wanted to hang out with us."

"You never asked me! All I ever wanted was to be included. Ever since we were little you always treated me like a baby. I'm only a year younger then the twins you know." Ella cried. "You never asked me." She said again, this time in barely a whisper. I think it hurts more her whispering then yelling.

"Ella. I'm sorry. I'm sorry that I left you out. I'm sorry I made you feel this way. And I'm sorry Mum died and I wasn't there for you." I say. She doesn't answer me.

"Ella?"

Ella laughs softly. I stare into darkness and can just make her out, now my eyes have adjusted to the darkness.

"Do you remember the time Mum took us to the Lake Park and fell into the lake while she was trying to get your elephant stuffed toy out, after you through it at me, and I had ducked?" Ella asked.

I am surprised at the sudden turn of conversation, but laugh at the memory. I don't think the whole issue was really about the fact that I didn't include her, at all.

"Of course, my Ellie the Elephant. I loved that stupid thing. I use to take it every where with me… until Iggy pulled its trunk off. I was so made at him."

"Yeah you punched him in the stomach."

"I wouldn't have had too, if he hadn't messed with my stuff. I had warned him."

She laughed. I had missed that laugh, so carefree, filled with happiness. I hadn't heard it in a while, not since Mum died. It kind of felt wrong laughing. It felt wrong to be happy, when she was dead.

"Remember when you punched Fang and he fell backwards into the lake in our backyard? Why did you do that?" She asked.

"Oh… he tried to kiss me." I said shaking my head. "But in my defense, we were only eight." I laughed. Ella snorted.

"I remember the time I got to school late in grade five and Mrs. Simpson my teacher started yelling at me when I walked into the classroom, in front of the whole class and Mum was standing just out side the door, so she came in and told Mrs. Simpson off, saying it my wasn't fault I was late, that car had broken down. Mrs. Simpson hadn't known what to say. It was incredible. I went into that class with the biggest grin on my face that day. She was my hero." I told Ella. I can hear Ella moving and the next thing I know I feel Ella's head against my shoulder.

"I miss her so much Max..." She says in a tone that breaks my heart.

"I do too."

"Do you think we'll ever get over this?"

"I don't think anyone can get over something like this...but eventually...we'll learn to live with out her. And day by day it'll get easier. I know it doesn't feel like it right now."

"I fell so hard when she died. I thought it would be easier, we had so long to say good bye, but it wasn't."

"I know Ella."

"She was so brave. She wasn't afraid of dying, she was afraid we wouldn't keep on living."

"How-how do you know that?" I ask.

"She told me. One day when I was alone in the hospital with her, I don't remember where you and Dad were." She says. I don't reply. I know I shouldn't be hurt, but I am. Of course Mum wouldn't tell me something like that; she knew I wasn't the heart to heart type. Ella and Mum always talked about everything, they were really close that way. Mum always said I was more like my Dad and Ella was more like herself. I'm saddened by this now.

"She was amazing. I don't think we told her that enough." Ella said.

"I think she knew."

"That she was amazing?" She asked with a little laugh.

"That we thought the world of her."

On that May night Ella and I began living again. We weren't afraid to talk about Mum anymore-but we wouldn't dare mention her to Dad. We let ourselves feel all the emotions we had locked up in side of our selves. It helped remembering all the good times. We had so many memories to talk about. We sat in the dark that night and laughed and cried. The power came on again at three in the morning; we had still been sitting on the couch.

We didn't go to school the next day. We went to Mum's grave. It had been the first of many times. We took flowers and lied then down in front of the tome stone. We had sat for hours and talked to her. I knew she couldn't hear us. But the thought of her being about to listen to us, some how comforted me.

It became a regular thing, to go and sit in front of Mum's grave and talk to her. I would tell her about my life, what was going on. I told her everything. I could never be this honest with her when she was alive; it had been as if I was making up for lost time. I regretted not opening up to her more when she was here. I regretted everything. I hated myself for not hugging her goodbye, before going off to school angry at her after a fight. I regretted going off with my friends the day she wanted to hang out with me. Sometimes it just all got too much, all the regretting I was doing.

Thank you for reading, I hope people are still reading this story. Please review if you want. :D