Author's Note: At one time I actually had a regular update schedule (Mondays and Thursdays). But then December and computer problems happened. And now I'll be lucky if I actually get to update twice a week.
Author's Note #2: Yes, I know it looks like I'm avoiding dialogue from the movie in places. I am, because I'm getting tired of it.
Chapter 16-Fish and Toilets
Dwalin leaped forward, grabbing a branch to defend himself against the archer. Karra stepped back, trying to hide herself behind Fili and Kili. The notched arrow flew, and buried itself in the thick branch. Kili impulsively picked up a stone, but it flew out of his hand, hit by another arrow.
"Next time I shoot to kill," the man said, and his voice was almost menacing.
There was a moment of silence. Everyone stared at the man. There was no doubt in anyone's mind that he meant it. The next dwarf that tried to harm him would get shot, and that was that. Karra resisted the urge to glare at him harshly. What right did he have to come in like this and interfere? He didn't even know who they were.
Balin began to walk forward, his hands above his head. "Excuse me," he said, his thick accent softening the words, "but you're from Laketown, if I'm not mistaken?" He nodded to a boat that sat in the water behind the man. "That barge. It wouldn't be for hire, by any chance?"
Karra was rather surprised at Balin's forwardness. The man was pointing a weapon at them, and he just went right up and asked if they could use his boat! She bit back an untimely giggle. She wouldn't interfere here; she might just get herself shot.
Balin and the man went back and forth and back and forth. The man refused to help them at first, saying no one was allowed to enter the town except by permission of someone called 'The Master,' whoever that was. He wouldn't circumvent the law—which seemed like a pretty silly law to Karra—for any price—supposedly. She stood in the background watching, hoping they wouldn't just stand here all day bargaining and losing valuable time, and resisting the urge to say anything at all. She had a bad habit of messing things up at critical moments, which she wasn't about to do now.
Karra would have never expected Balin to be so good at this bargaining thing. The old grandfatherly dwarf with a big white beard and pleasant Scottish accent had some skills. Karra suppressed another giggle as the thought of Balin as a salesman popped into her head. Now that was a funny image.
By the time it was over, Karra wanted to sit down and take a nap. Standing there on the beach reminded her of how tired she was. And wet and cold, too. A slight mist rose off the water, chilling her. Her hair still felt heavy, and so did her clothes. She had to resist the urge to put her arms around Fili's waist and lean her head on his shoulder again—not in front of all the dwarves and a stranger.
They finally came to a sort of agreement. The man was to sneak them into town hidden in his barge. He finally had agreed to circumvent the law, though reluctantly, his unwillingness probably arising out of a wish to protect his family. And with the way he spoke of the Master, it didn't seem as if he held too much fondness for this personage. How they were supposed to hide in the man's open barge, Karra didn't know, but she figured someone here had a plan. Somehow she had a knack for ending up out of the loop on plans, so it was certainly possible. And if they didn't…well, could this 'master' be any worse than anything else they'd faced on this journey?
The man motioned for the dwarves to follow him. They loaded themselves and their barrels—though what exactly he wanted with the barrels Karra didn't know, maybe he just thought they were nice barrels?—aboard the boat, and then they were off.
The trip across the lake was fairly quiet. Everyone seemed keenly aware that they were on a secret mission now, and when they spoke, they spoke in whispers.
A fog rolled over the lake as they moved silently forward. The mist that Karra had felt earlier now clung in little droplets to her clothes and skin, preventing her from drying. The cloud of fog seemed to stifle all conversation even more, and it felt like they were hiding, even though as yet they had no one to hide from. Every time someone made a noise, it seemed to echo slightly, and then be swallowed up by the mist.
Karra shivered. She peeked over the edge of the boat and saw that they were pushing through large ice floes. It seemed as if they had suddenly stepped into winter.
A couple of large, shadowed rock formations loomed up before them. The cloud of fog obscured their tops, so they seemed to stretch endlessly into the sky. The barge seemed to be heading straight towards one of them. Karra pulled back from the side of the boat as it approached, huddling against the wall. Something about them seemed eerie.
"Watch out!" Bofur cried, heedless of the fact that they were supposed to be 'hiding'. His voice was swallowed up in the fog once again, and at the last moment, the boat swerved and pulled away from the formation. Karra raised her head and saw that it was, in fact, an old ruin of something, and not a rock formation at all. She shivered again, feeling as if they were in the middle of a ghost town.
"What are you trying to do, drown us?" cried Thorin indignantly. Or more like scare us, Karra thought.
"I was born and bred on these waters, Master Dwarf," the man replied without looking back. "If I wanted to drown you, I would not do it here."
Dwalin sent a glare at the man's back. "I've had enough of him," he grumbled, just loud enough for the man to hear, it seemed, though he didn't respond. "I say we just throw him over the side and be done with it." He glanced around at the other dwarves as if gauging their reactions to his scheme. Karra looked away.
"Bard!" said Bilbo a little angrily. "His name is Bard!"
"And you'd better be careful what you say around him, too," Karra said in a hushed voice. "You saw how good he was with that bow, and he knows this lake like he knows the back of his hand."
"How did you know his name?" Bofur's question was addressed to Bilbo.
"Fine, ignore me then," Karra humphed.
"Um…I asked him," Bilbo replied, as if the answer was obvious. Which it kind of was.
"And just when did you…" Karra began, but stopped. Bilbo was getting very good at sneaking around and doing things the others didn't know about. He was their burglar, after all.
"Well, I don't like him," growled Dwalin, picking up the conversation where Bilbo had left it, once again ignoring Karra. She sent him a glare, but he didn't seem to notice.
"We don't have to like him," Balin replied. "We simply have to pay him. Alright lads," he said matter-of-factly, "turn out your pockets."
Karra gave an apologetic shrug. She didn't have any pockets, and even if she did, any money she would have had in them wouldn't have been Middle-Earth currency anyway. Her hand went to the gold necklace that hung around her neck, but she pulled it back. She didn't want to give that up. It reminded her of her mom.
She watched as the dwarves piled their money in the middle of the circle. As the last coin dropped with a clink on the pile, Balin gave a slightly irritated look. Karra wasn't used to seeing him irritated, and it almost made her laugh.
"We…we have a slight problem," he said. "We're ten coins short."
All heads turned to Gloin. Karra didn't quite understand why—was this some sort of inside joke or something?
"Come on," ordered Thorin. "Give us what you have."
Gloin gave a mildly apologetic shrug. "Don't look at me," he said. "This quest has bled me dry." Karra thought she saw a yeah, right look on several of the other dwarves' faces. "And what have I seen for me investment?" he complained. "Naught but misery and pain and…" his voice trailed off. Above them, a bit of the fog cleared, revealing clearly the outline of the Lonely Mountain.
"We're really close," Karra said quietly, almost to herself.
"Bless my beard," Gloin said, his voice laced with emotion. "Take it. Take all of it." He piled several bags of money in the center of the circle. Karra stared up at the outline of the mountain. They were so close, yet not close at all. They had a dragon to deal with, one that could wipe out an entire kingdom. And they were just thirteen dwarves, a hobbit, and a half-dwarf woman who wasn't really good at anything.
The sound of heavy footsteps approaching broke the moment. "Give me the money, now," Bard ordered.
"We'll pay you when you've done what you promised, not before," Thorin said.
The man narrowed his eyes. "If you value your freedom," he said, "you'll do as I say. There are guards ahead." He looked up and they followed his gaze. The misty outline of a town stood in the near distance. The houses seemed to float above the water, and rivers ran through as if they were streets. This must be Laketown.
The dwarves stared up at Bard for a moment, then Thorin scooped up the money and handed to him, his face expressionless. Bard stuffed it in his pocket and nodded at the barrels. "Get in," he ordered.
The dwarves stared at him again. "In the barrels," he said again.
"Do as he says," Thorin ordered. Bilbo was the first to obey, crawling into the nearest barrel and crouching down. The other dwarves followed suit. Karra glanced around at one barrel then another, realizing they were one short. She peeked in a barrel and found it already occupied—by Fili.
"Can I…" she began.
"Certainly!" Fili took her hand and helped her in beside him. She squirmed around to find a good position and found herself practically sitting in his lap. She flushed.
"Sorry, I—" she began, but he cut her off.
"It's fine," he said with a laugh. "We're one short, and it had to happen to someone." He chuckled again and shrugged. "And I'd rather have you sitting in my lap than another dwarf." Karra laughed awkwardly and wiggled into a more comfortable position. She understood now why Bard had wanted them to get in. Though how he was going to prevent the guards from just looking right into the barrels, she didn't know.
There was a jerk, as if something had bumped the barrel. Karra was knocked out of her comfortable position and found herself face to face with Fili again. "Quiet," hissed Bard, and she realized he must have kicked their barrel.
"Sorry," she mumbled.
Karra wasn't sure how long they rode like that, only that, after a little while, they finally came to a stop. Karra had to resist the urge to peek over the top of the barrel to see what was going on. Instead she whispered to the dwarf in the next barrel, "What's happening?"
The whispered message was passed down through the line of barrels, and "Bilbo says he's talking to someone," eventually came back to Karra and Fili.
"He's pointing at us!" the message came through a couple of moments later. Karra strained to hear who Bard was talking to and what he was saying, but she was in the middle of the large group of barrels, and all she could hear was the other dwarves' faint breathing. "They're shaking hands." The message came through the barrels again. Karra thought she heard someone grumble something about 'selling us out,' but she wasn't sure. She strained to listen again.
Suddenly a dead fish came falling down on top of her. She spluttered and looked up just in time for a whole load of them to be dumped on her face. "What in the world?" she cried, pushing one of the slimy things away. As best he could through falling fish, Fili clapped a hand over her mouth. "Sorry," she mumbled. How many times had she said that today?
The fish finally stopped, but they were completely covered. Dirty, wet, slimy, smelly dead fish all over her face, hair, clothes. Karra shuddered. She was going to be a huge mess—and smell bad.
The boat moved forward again slowly. Karra squirmed, but she just couldn't find a comfortable position. Everywhere she tried to sit was a fish. She felt like she was going to be smothered. She wriggled into the best possible position she could, disgustedly moving a fish out of the way so she didn't have tail sticking up her nose, and found herself staring straight into Fili's eyes.
"Um…hi…" she mumbled. Then she began to giggle as she pushed another fish out of the way so she could see his whole face.
"What's so funny?" he asked, obviously thinking the situation was anything but funny.
"Has it even occurred to you how weird this is?" she giggled. "We're sitting inches apart in a barrel with fish on top of us." She pushed another fish out of the way and it landed back on top of her with a splat, which made her laugh even more.
Fili grinned and put a finger to her mouth with a "Shh." She realized they were probably making too much noise, but she couldn't resist one more giggle as she noticed a fish right next to her staring at her. She pushed it out of the way, but it fell right back into place. She looked away to avoid making eye contact with it, because, seriously, that was just weird.
A moment later, she felt the boat come to a stop again. She heard muffled voiced coming through the layer of dead fish on top of her.
"What are they saying?" she whispered to Fili.
"I'm not sure," he replied. "I think I heard something about the Woodland Realm."
Karra tried to hear more the conversation, but it was just muffled enough that she couldn't quite make out the words. She wished she could pass a message through the barrels again to someone who could actually hear, but she doubted even the dwarf in the next barrel could hear her through the fish.
She sat there waiting tensely for who knows how long. She heard voices raised as if in an argument, but still couldn't quite understand what was being said. And then someone grabbed her barrel and tipped it sideways.
She fell forward on top of Fili. He caught her around the waist and they sat there for a minute like that as the barrel tipped further. She heard fish sliding off the top. Had they been betrayed?
"Stop!" She heard the command, and their barrel was set down with a jerk. She let out a sigh of relief. A moment and a brief exchange of voices later, they were moving again. She wiggled into a better position and wormed out of Fili's embrace. He sent her a grin as a couple of fish fell in between their faces. She swiped them out of the way and they fell back. She giggled slightly and let them sit there.
The boat stopped again, and Karra wondered what it was this time. She heard the thump of feet approaching the barrels again, and some other sounds she couldn't identify, and then her barrel was being tipped to the side again.
This time all the fish were dumped out and Karra and Fili tumbled out onto the deck of the boat, spluttering. Karra was relieved to see that Bard was the one doing the dumping. She got to her feet, disgustedly wiping fish slime from her clothes and hair. She glanced around and saw that the rest of the company felt pretty much the same way. She wrinkled her nose. They all smelled like fish. Dead fish.
Bard motioned for them to follow him, and they obeyed silently. Everyone seemed to sense that he knew best.
They snuck around behind crowds of people in what seemed to be a marketplace of sorts. Karra found herself tensing every time someone looked their way. It was obvious several people saw them, but no one said anything. So what was the point of all this sneaking around, anyway? A moment later, Karra found out. Because they bumped into a guard. Two guards, actually.
"Halt!" one of them ordered. The entire group did just the opposite, taking off running, pushing their way through the mass of people. Karra bumped into at least one person, apologized, and then realized that she probably shouldn't be drawing attention to herself. She found herself at the back of the group and grabbed onto a dwarf's hand to keep up. She was pulled around a corner and they ran into another guard. Like, literally, ran into him. Again.
The company came to a halt, all bumping into each other one after another. One of the dwarves lunged forward and attacked the guard, picking up something from the ground to aid him. The company swarmed forward onto another guard who had just appeared. Karra grabbed a piece of wood and attempted to trip the man, but only succeeded in tripping another dwarf. Mumbling an apology, she dropped the wood and looked around for something less problematic. But before she knew what was happening, both guards were down and the company was shoving them behind a building. Karra crouched with the rest of them behind a wall, breathing hard. Had they seriously just knocked out two guards? Gosh.
A moment later, as if at some signal, they took off running again down a back alley. Karra was still out of breath when Bard met them again. They slowed their pace but were still watchful as they continued.
Finally they came to a stop in front of a house. Karra assumed it was Bard's house, for a young man, still almost a boy, ran up to him. "Da!" he cried. "Our house is being watched!" Yeah, by us, Karra thought. The boy didn't seem fazed in the least that there were fifteen strangers with his 'da'.
Bard looked at the boy for a moment, then back at the dwarves. Motioning for them to follow him, he led them around the back of the house. "You must do exactly as I say," he instructed, then laid out his plan in a low voice.
Karra just couldn't keep quiet when she heard what the plan was. "Through the toilet?" she exclaimed, though still keeping her voice low. "Excuse me, but we have royalty in our midst! I don't think—" She felt a jab in her side and turned to see Fili mouthing, stop. She snapped her mouth shut and stared defiantly at the man, as if daring him to make her do it.
Before anyone else could protest, Bard turned and strode around the corner. They all looked at each other. Then, as if on cue, everyone began to talk at once.
"I can't believe he's asking us to go through the toilet!" Karra exclaimed.
"First dead fish, then this?" cried Bombur.
"I simply will not," said Nori matter-of-factly, as if that settled the matter.
"I must say—" began Balin.
"It's an affront to my dignity!" cried Kili.
"What dignity?" Karra shot back.
"Everyone, please!" cried Bilbo. "I think it's our best chance!"
"He's right," agreed Thorin. "We must do as the lakeman says." Thorin's word was law, and everyone quieted down and waited nervously. The tension was almost palpable, and Karra felt as if someone must have heard their little argument and was coming to arrest them and throw them in jail simply for being here.
Presently, there came a knock on the wall, then another, then another. They all looked at each other. That was the signal. Dwalin happened to be standing in the front of the group, and all eyes turned to him. He glowered back at them, then with a growl, climbed under the house. As soon as he was gone, Karra let out a loud giggle. She clapped a hand over her mouth, then looked around to see that some of the others were snickering too.
She wasn't laughing when her turn came. With a don't-you-dare-laugh-at-me-when-I'm-gone glare, she took a deep breath and dove under the house. She found the opening quickly. Trying to think of something other than the fact that this was, um, a toilet, she swam upward and popped out of the top in a couple of seconds. The young man she had seen earlier was there to help her out.
She flushed slightly as she stumbled out and shook the water off. A total stranger had just seen her come out of a toilet. What a strange day this had been. Here she was, standing in the bathroom of a stranger's house, dripping wet and covered in fish slime. At least she was safe from orcs. For the moment, that is.
I swear, something other than the movie happens in the next chapter. And the next, and the next, and the next. Actually I guess I've pretty much altered everything somewhat from here on out. So yeah. Fair warning. ;)