Chapter Thirty-One

Did Fang say this to Max in FANG? I don't want to make any more mistakes. "I love you. I love your smile, your snarl, your grin, your face when you're sleeping." Or was it Dylan? I hope it was Fang.

As my and Fangs relationship disintegrated, Nudge and Iggy's grew stronger. They were always together. Iggy had managed to get into Melanie- Nudge's mums- good books, which was incredible since Melanie was always so protective of Nudge. Iggy stayed at our place more then he stayed at his own home during the winter school holidays. The three of us would sit on the couch and watch movie's or play cards and board games. I liked the time the three of us spent together. I started to not ask Dylan because I didn't want him to spoil the time Iggy, Nudge and I had together.

Dylan would come over a couple times a week and hang out with us, but he had a part time job at the local Chinese restraint in those days and that occupied most of his time that wasn't spent at school.

I didn't see a lot of Fang in that time either. Nudge tried to get us all together, but either Fang or I wouldn't go. I thought things with us all being friends and comfortable with each other would go back to normal after some time. I hoped Dylan and Fang might even be friends. I wasn't sure if the others even liked Dylan and I being together. It was always hard for us seven to except 'outsiders'-as we called them- from the group, and as the school holidays drew to an end, I worried things would never be normal between the seven of us. Things were a little awkward when Dylan was with us just like when Nudge dated Daniel.

Out of the fourteen days of holidays Ella and Angel slept other six times throughout the break. Iggy, Gazzy and Fang got together on the days Nudge and I spent with Ella and Angel. I don't know what they were getting up to but Iggy told me one night when no one else was around that Fang 'wasn't coping very well with everything at the moment'. I couldn't believe this. Fang, Mr cool and collected, wasn't coping?

I had a sentimental moment on the last day of the holidays as I was sitting by the window in my bedroom looking out at the foggy, rain covered city outside. It reminded me of a day ten years ago.

Iggy, Fang, Gazzy, Angel, Nudge and I had been playing in my backyard when it had started to rain, we had run to the cubby house and spent one of the best days of those school holidays huddled together under two stretched out old sleeping bags- I kept in there- doing nothing put making inappropriate noises on the backs of our hands, liking them to peoples bodily noises; don't ask, Gazzy started it. We had all laughed so hard we were snorting and crying.

Another rainy day memory was of Fang and I last year. We had gone down to Marks place for the weekend and had been spending the day on the beach.

"Arr. It's freezing." I cried turning and running back out of the water and back up the beach.

Fang laughs at my reactions to the cold water. He runs after me and snakes his arms around my waist. "Scared of a little cold water are you?" He whispers into my ear. I struggled out of his arms and turn around to face him.

"A little cold water? More like a lot of freezing below zero water!" I protest, exaggerating. I can't help but smile back at Fang smirking down at me.

"Come on, you'll get use to it." He grabs my hand and starts walking back towards the water.

"No!" I laugh, not moving.

He turns back to me. "What? It'll only be cold for a minute. This was your idea remember?"

"No." But I do remember and it had seemed like a good idea when we had been inside Mark's house looking down over the sea.

Fang grins at me, and I see something in his eyes that makes me take a step back.

"Fang, NO-" I yelled, but he's got a firm grip on me and the next thing I know he's thrown me on his back and is holding me upside down holding my feet and running back to the water.

"No!" I shriek, wrapping my arms around his waist in fear that he'll drop me.

He goes in the deep enough so that the waves reach up to his hips so my hair is in the water. He throws us into the water letting go of me when we hit the water. As soon as we come up for air I hit him hard in the shoulder. He's to busy laughing to notice.

"Not so bad aye?" He says pulling me towards him.

"Worse." I wrap my arms around him.

"Well we're in now, can't get any colder-" He doesn't even finish his sentence when it starts raining. We look up at the sky, then look back at each other and laugh.

"You were saying?" I ask. He just pulls me tighter to him and kisses me. I feel him smiling against my lips.

I had gotten sentimental sitting there thinking of all the great times that Fang, Iggy, Angel, Gazzy, Nudge, Ella and I had and the time Fang and I had together, that we may never have again. Had Fang and I ruined everything?

I look out the window and see it's still raining quite heavily. Nudge should be home soon. She and Iggy went out to the car dealership to look for a new car for herself. Nudge's last car was always playing up and was costing her too much money to always get looked at. She needs some new parts that would have cost her more then the cars worth.

I'm meant to go out with Dylan today to go to his parent's house for lunch I'm going to drive home and spend an hour or so with dad and Ella before Dylan picks me up from dad's house. I'd rather be spending time with Iggy, Gazzy, Angel, Nudge and Fang.

All I want is for things to be like they were six months ago. But I'm with Dylan now, I made my choice. I miss spending all my free time with them. I miss the movie nights and the midnight runs to Maccas- yes we were those people- and our stupid competitions and our sleepovers. Hm, I just had a thought; will we have our camping trip in summer? We can't not have our camping trip, but we can't have us going and things being awkward either.

I never really realised just how much I loved those five people who weren't really my family, but who I loved more then anything, until things changed. I was thinking about this last night when I couldn't sleep. I loved Ella my own sister, but Nudge- the Nudge channel- was something special to me. She was that close friend that you only have when you really know yourself. That person who can know what you're going to say before you say it. That friend, I would have forever, my adopted sister.

And Iggy was the brother I never had. I've said that before. Brave Iggy with his sightless eyes. I know I can always count on Iggy.

Gazzy was a sweetheart, always tough and protective of his own, us. Hi twin sister Angel, who knows what she wants and how to get it.

They're all annoying as heck sometimes and know just what to say to get me blowing smoke, but they're mine. And Fang, gosh, I miss him. And still love him. I don't think I can ever stop loving him, try as I might, and I have tried. My anger towards him lessoned over the last week. I thought about why I had been angry at him in the first place, because he had known my mum had been sick before I had, and then never told me. I had forgiven Lana, why not Fang?

Because I had trusted Fang with my life, I trusted that he and I were a team and that I knew everything about him and him me, and then suddenly I was looking at him and he was a stranger. And I was mad. Mad that he didn't tell me about my mum. And mad that maybe, at the start, he was told to be my friend. But most of all, I was mad that I couldn't stop loving him, and that I don't love Dylan like I loved Fang.

I wasn't being fare on Dylan. He deserved to be with somebody who could give them their whole heart and I wasn't that somebody. I tried to be, because for a while I thought I could be that person and we could be as happy as Fang and I had been, but I was kidding myself.

I stand up off the window ledge and put my shoes on, grabbing my keys as I head out the door and out of the apartment. I have somewhere I need to be, I have someone I need to talk to.

I am nineteen and still figuring things out. I'm stuck between child and adult. But if there's only one thing in my life I'm sure of, it's that Fang and I are meant to be together. I love Fang with my whole soul. I can't control it. My heart is Fangs, and that is that.