Insignifigant Child

Jazz:

Georgie Porgie pudding and pie.

Kissed the girls and made them cry.

But when the boys came out to play …

'GEORGIE PORGIE RAN AWAY!'

You know, they've been singing that since my time. And that was a while ago. I don't think it's struck anyone yet, that after Carlisle, I'm the oldest vampire in this family. But they even had nursery rhymes in his time. In our times, they were all very moral about being good and whatnot. Patience is a virtue, and all that …

But today, good old Georgie Porgie could be taken as such attempted rape, or something. The world of today is odd. Often, in my mind I still wander down the softly lit avenues of so many years –

'Jesus CHRIST, Jasper! Hurry UP!'

'GEORGIE PORGIE PUDDING AND –'

'I'll hurry up when you can keep your wife under control!'

'MNAAAAAGHHH!!!'

Emmett launches himself at me, but being thoroughly inebriated, he misses, and just rolls around the floor. Rose thinks this is all good fun, and leaps screaming to tap dance on his torso and chest. I sigh, clutching something cold that I had stolen from the new refrigerator to my head. I don't like sobriety. It's not fun.

But, I was taking one for the team. One massive headache, that was. I cast a longing glance at the vodka bottles Emmett had tied together and was now wearing as a sash. One sip wouldn't hurt …

No! Focus. Fo-cus.

Emmett crawled to my side, and blinks puppy-dog-like up at me.

'Do you think it'll work?' he whispers, and leans on me, less in the way of comradely, and more in the way of I'm-so-far-gone-I-can't-even-see.

I flex my fingers and survey my handiwork, pressing the cold thing to my head again as something pounded there. It seemed unlikely that I actually had a head-ache … there was no blood to pump around my head. It was probably a mental thing …

But if I did say so myself, I had done an awesome job. Carlisle's new laptop was just like his old one, except with the racing stripes down the side that Emmett had carefully layered on. It was shiny, small, and I had retyped documents out, with as much accuracy as could be expecting. All I had to go on were the titles Emmett had read as they deleted. But they were, as Emmett said,

'Awesome.'

FAMILY TREE

The Cullen family tree is big. And tall. And tree like. There's Carlisle (he/I'm the daddy) and Esme. She's so pretty. Yay. Esme. She's the mommy.

Then there's Eddie/Edward/Emo who's my first oldest (eldest?) son. He was born (reborn) in 1918. (??) In Chicago. In a hospital. His mommy was called something or other.

Then there was Rosy. Rosalie Hale. She was pretty and blonde and supposed to marry a dude, then became a vamp and killed him instead.

Em was next. Rose didn't have the guts to change him her self cuz she thought she'd rip him throat off if she tried, so she made Carlisle/me do it again.

Then, best of all, Alice and Jasper came. Alice is pretty, and can tell the future. She's English, originally, but doesn't have an accent. She's really pretty. And Jasper is the best of the bunch. And the handsomest. He's from Texas, and was a solider. But now he lives in Forks with pretty Alice, and is the best.

The END.

I think it was pretty good. But I was tired, and sick of sobriety by this point. I tried to swipe the vodka from Rose, but couldn't. She had a death grip on it. Alice flew in like a hurricane into the room, and started hissing.

'Jasper!' she hissed, which was nice. She says my name nice …

… but then she slapped me a few times and it wasn't so nice. Not that it hurt, it was just … unpleasant. Like lots of other things in life …

'Bella Swan will be here in five minutes, Jasper! And you like a cave-man! I WILL NOT HAVE MY HUSBAND LOOKING LIKE A HOBO!'

And then she fastens her little hands around my upper arm. The warm, mushy feeling I always get when she touches me didn't have time to properly set in before I was half-way up the stairs, being dragged to a wardrobe.

But I had bigger problems. I was unfortunately terribly, horribly sober by this point, and aware of a worse fact – hungry, too. Bella was mortal, ergo, Bella would smell really, really good. And apparently Edward thought a lot of the girl. I didn't want to rip her throat out. It would hurt him. Edward had enough (fictional) problems as it was.

'Alice,' I whisper, as she whirls like a tornado through my wardrobe. It was filled with things she had bought, but she knew me well. Dark colours, sandy shades of taupe, boots and jackets.

'Yes, Jasper?'

She sounds terse, but it's just Alice panicking. I can feel her panic as clearly as my own.

'What if I hurt her?'

My words are quiet – I don't want to embrace the thought too fully. But of course, she hears. Her pale forehead furrows, and she desperately searches the future.

She opens her eyes almost dazedly.

'Three minutes, twenty-two seconds. You can't hurt her, Jasper. I can't see clearly; her coming changes too many things, but she will change his life. Our life – as far as my failing foresight sees, the life of every vampire. But it's strange, and cloudy – she's dangerous. To us all, she's going to test us. But Edward – he … he loves her. He really does.'

She looks agonised, and I forget the little nudge in my mind that is craving liquor as I try to comfort her. My arms are enough to make her feel safe, even if the safety is imaginary.

'He loves her. The idiot worships her. But she's so dangerous … why? Why is being so stupid? He's going to ruin everyone's lives …'

If Alice was mortal, she would be sobbing. With her almost-tears comes a terrible realisation, made more terrible by the fact that it comes calmly to present itself to me.

'I'm going to kill her. Aren't I, Alice?'

'I don't know. I just don't know, okay?'

Dear God, I have accepted this as hell. Why are you making her suffer too? Why can't you just leave her alone?

'Two minutes, eighteen seconds,' she sniffs, and points silently to my clothes. I change hurriedly, as she sits and blunders through the mists of the future.

'Okay. There's something odd going to happen – SHIT!! EDWARD, STALL! STALL!' she screams, and is dragging me down the stairs again. Her whole aura is changed again, from despair, cool and cloying to panic, hot, pulsing and terrible.

'EMMETT CULLEN!' she screams, which is completely unnecessary, considering our entire family's stellar hearing. I think she did it for dramatic effect.

Emmett appeared at the door of the sitting room, looking slightly lost, the vodka close to his heart. His useless heart.

'Bella Swan will be here in thirty seconds. You are drunk. So is Rose. WE NEED TO HIDE YOU!'

She was screaming again.

'But Ed – mind reading –'

I knew she was going to cut me off, so I didn't bother trying to form the full sentence.

'Too busy concentrating on not killing Swan. Rose. Get up. Now.'

She frowned again.

'Twenty-three seconds.'

'NOOOOOOO!' Rose screeched, and I wondered if the Swan kid would hear her. Hmm. Edward Swan. Now there's an idea. Eddie Swan. Ed. Good old Ed.

God, I was starting to think like Emmett.

'I'm celebrating,' Rose pouted, and began jazz-squaring.

'I bought a casiiiiiiino!'

Emmett grinned indulgently, and began jazz-squaring next to her. I resisted the urge to join them with one look at Alice.

'Eighteen seconds,' she screamed in a whisper.

'Jasper! Help!'

In a flash, I was no longer Jasper Hale, vampire of the 21st century. I was Captain Jasper Whitlock, fighting in the civil war, and organising troops.

'Emmett Cullen!' I barked, and he snapped up, looking surprised by his reaction. I glowed inside.

Jazz, you still got it.

'Get your ass in gear and drag that wife of yours somewhere where you can't be seen. Pronto! We are going to be civilised if it kills us in front of the human. Kills us more, I mean. YOU – STAIRS – NOW!'

Emmett felt compelled to follow my orders. And Rose felt sleepy. It was hard to keep my concentration up, especially with Alice groaning, 'They're almost at the door,' beside me, but I managed.

'We can't ruin this for Edward! He's our man!' I cried, as Emmett finally took me seriously and dragged a giggling Rose up the stairs. Alice gasped, and whispered, 'They're at the door!' as for the third time today, I was dragged along the stairs by her. Carlisle and Esme stared curiously at us, as Alice hissed, 'Rose and Em aren't home, 'kay?' before pulling us out of sight into the nearest room as the front door opened.

It was Edwards's room. Emmett looked around guiltily from where he stood in the middle of the room, holding Rose three inches off the floor in an attempt to still her feet, with a hand clamped over her mouth the still her squeals.

Well, it's not like she needs to breathe, or anything.

My heart would be hammering if it was functioning. I can hear Carlisle and Esme's gentle welcoming of the mortal, and Alice straightens her clothes and hair beside me, before turning on a shiny smile even I can hardly see through, and dancing forth to greet the girl, as Edward asks, 'Where are Alice and Jasper?' casually. I slope behind her, all too conscious of the noise.

Boom.

Boom.

Boom.

It's a heart-beat. And it's worse here without others of her kind. Like the ticking of a clock, urging me to fail.

I hang back, and concentrate on not diving for her throat. Edward is glaring at me; I can feel it. I catch his eye, as my thoughts scream, don't worry. I'm not coming any closer. I'm sorry. I'm doing my best, okay?

He nods infinitesimally, raising an eyebrow, and I drift a little away. She's a pretty girl, pale, dark haired and eyed. Smells appetizing, but then again, they all do. Alice chatters cheerfully, and I realise I should speak.

'Hello, Bella,' I managed, and try to soothe the panic latched onto her. She relaxes at once, and compliments our home. It's funny to think of all the fuss this small, mortal child has caused in our home, and, according to Alice, how much more she will cause. She seems so nice. So – average.

Well, all that hassle, and she's already taken by the grand piano. I can hear Rose struggling and Em grizzling from down her, but, after sharing an alarmed glance with Carlisle, it's obvious she can't.

We drift away to give them privacy, but I can hear Edward spinning smooth lies about Rosalie and Emmett's whereabouts. Even I get a mention – the murderous one, who can't control his own thirst. Alice smiles sweetly at me, and pulls me away to our room.

'I have a present,' she whispers to me, and when she gives it to me, I burst into laughter.

A bottle of vodka. Gift-wrapped. With a bow on it.

Alice, my darling. Where would I be without you?

xXx

Signing in as : Wraithlike

Well, it's here at last. A little rushed, and long! Much longer than before, but I wanted it even longer! I had to stop, though. Thought I might be attacked by readers in the middle of the night yelling, "TOO MUCH!! TOOOOO MUCH!!"

Ye-eah. A little insane. Anyway, that's the mocks for you. AND THEY'RE OVER!! AT LAST!! I'm pretty sure I only failed maths. Possibly Science. But then again, my brother is a physicist. One is enough in the family.

So. Next up, possibly Em. Possibly Jazz. And ... possibly ... OUR SUPER ULTRA AMAZING JOINED CHAPTER!

But I have a present for you all. On the homepage is the link to a video for the FF by yours truly. Give it a look, and comment, if you like! I'd love to hear what you have to say. But now, I'm tired, and need to call ShiverySox, so ... away!! AND REVIEW!! xxx