Author's Note (Part 1): I am so sorry. All I wanted when I started writing this chapter was angst. I had three goals in mind:

1. Make Ellie's character so heroically heartbreaking that people will wonder how she has moved/will move on from it all.

2. Give Craig a few really great jackass moments.

3. Find some believable and remarkable way to bring Jay back into the story so he and Emma could get back to loving.

Yeah, I met the goals. But…God, I'm just so sorry it happened like it did.

At the pizza place Emma picked the most secluded table she could find. Craig was running his fingers through his hair, "You're creeping me out, ladies."

I smiled at him softly, "Just…you missed out on a lot of stuff. And, not all of it were we comfortable filling you in on at the time."

"See the shaking," he said holding his hand up to my eyes, "that's a sign I'm about to scratch my retnas out."

We sat down and I looked at Emma, "No time like the present, right?"

She nodded and looked back to her menu, "I think I want the taco pizza, any takers?"

Craig scrunched his face up, "No…but I'll do buffalo chicken pizza."

"Okay," Emma replied, "order me lemonade and water…I'm going to the bathroom."

I watched her walk away, "Craig, promise you won't fly off the handle."

"Oh my God…you…it wasn't about me driving. You wanted to get me to a public place so I couldn't cause a scene."

I looked down at my plate, "No, I didn't want to tell you until we were in Virginia. But Emma got you all interested so…I'm bumping up the date for you."

"So what is it…is it about Sean?"

"No. I…you remember senior year? Jimmy did that mural and he and I bonded over art and everything."

"No…Jimmy? This is about Jimmy?"

"Craig…just listen, okay?"

"I don't know if I can…but I'll try."

"Thank you. So…Jimmy and I, we stayed close. He helped me with a few other design projects I took on sophmore year to help with bills. We went to the same college benders. When I got back together with Sean, he was my biggest supporter. He got sick a couple of years back. They didn't know what was wrong…"

"I remember, it was in the alumni newsletter."

I laughed, hollow, "Go figure. You read about one of your best friends in the newsletter. Was one of the paragraphs all about how he asked to see you? I hated you. I hated you for being so oblivious to other people…they're lives, they're pain…Jimmy was your opposite. He had all of your good qualities but he also genuinely cared for people."

"When you say people, you mean you, right?"

"No. Well, yes, but other people too. You cut us all out so easily."

"I CALLED YOU," he shouted then reajusted his tone, "I called you all the time. I wrote letters, I sent packages…I kept in touch."

"You kept us updated…but you didn't stay involved Craig. Not with me or Jimmy or Marco. With Emma, yeah…but that had more to do with Manny than anything else. Anyway, that's not really the point. The point is, when Sean and I were going through everything after Manny's book…Jimmy was there for me. Sean started spending his nights at Emma's and Jimmy started stopping by, bringing me cupcakes…watching movies with me all night when I couldn't sleep. I couldn't bother Emma with my pain because she was going through that horrible mess. When she went to the States, Sean went to Montreal. He said he wasn't coming back until he got over his issues. It was two weeks and I really thought…I thought he wasn't coming back at all. Jimmy started getting sicker and I moved him into my place. His girlfriend had left him when it got too hard; she couldn't do it, I guess. I took on less hours at the clinic so I could take care of him."

"Ellie, Ellie…stop," Jimmy said stilling my hands at his sides.

"What is it? Does it hurt?"

"No…I just…wanted to tell you: I always knew it would be like this. You and me, to the end."

"This isn't the end, Jimmy. Don't talk like that, okay?"

"Ellie, I can't breathe…"

"I'll the oxygen—"

"No, call 911…"

He started wheezing and Ellie jumped to the phone following his orders. The ambulance arrived ten minutes later; Ellie had Jimmy on his oxygen tank already. They pulled him out of the chair and laid him flat on the gurry, "Are you coming with us, or driving behind."

She looked around and, not seeing her keys anywhere, followed them out the door, "With you."

"You have to ride up front. You'll be able to talk to him, he'll know you're there. But…for safety reasons."

She nodded, "We've been here before. I get it."

She climbed up front and the EMT riding with her started talking to her, "He's going to be fine; that's Rich and he's the best MedTech there is. You can relax, he's never lost a patient."

Ellie scoffed, "At least not before they get to the ER."

The technician beside her quieted at that and she turned back to look at Jimmy, "Jim, baby, you're gonna make it. I know you will…you've beat too much not to pull through this too…this is just a little bump."

At the hospital they made her wait until he was stable. It was a good sign, it made they had hope. If they didn't think he would get better, they would have let her in immediately. She clung to hope; it was all that kept her alive most days. She dug her cell phone out of her purse and called Marco, "Marco, it's Ellie. Jimmy and I are at Mercy again. They just took him back, they don't know what it is. I'll call you once I get to see him." Then she called Gavin and then Hazel leaving the same messages. She was surprised when twenty minutes later Hazel showed up. "Hazel? I didn't…expect you to come so soon."

"He's one of the best friends I've ever had, Elle…this is Marc, I'm not sure you ever met him."

"No, no, I'm Ellie Nash…it's a pleasure."

"Same," he said before turning back to Hazel, "I'm gonna get you some juice, okay…Ellie, you want anything?"

"No, I'm…I'm alright," she replied distracted by the opening doors to the ER.

"Ms. Nash? You can go in now, he's asking for you."

Ellie nodded and turned to Hazel, "Coming? Or do you want to wait to see…you know, what he's condition is."

She hesitated then stepped forward, "Now's not the time to get scared, I suppose."

Ellie waved to the nurse who pressed opened the door for them. She quickly found Jimmy's room and stepped in, "Jim, Hazel's here."

"Everyone wants to say good-bye, eh?" he crackled through the machines.

"No, Jimmy, stop talking in finalities, okay?" Hazel urged stepping into the room.

"Do they know what it is?" he paused to look at us, "I didn't think so."

"They know it's an infection…they just haven't found it yet," Ellie whispered taking his hand in hers.

Just then a doctor knocked on the door, "We'd like to run a few more tests, Mr. Brooks, see if we can't track down this monster."

"What kind of tests?" he asked.

"CT scan, and a MRI to start with."

"You think it's in my brain?"

"You stopped breathing…but there's no pressure on the lungs or heart. That leads us to believe that it wasn't a flow problem, it was a command problem."

"Haven't you run these tests before?" Hazel asked.

"Yes but, perhaps the infection wasn't advance enough to show up on the machines. This isn't an exact science…but this is the best guess we've got."

Ellie turned to Jimmy, "You should do it,"

"What if you don't find anything?" Jimmy asked brushing off Ellie's request.

"I'd like you to sign these forms. They give us permission to do a brain biopsy. We would find it…"

"If it was there," Jimmy scoffed.

"Sir, I understand your trepidation."

"No, no you don't. I can't walk, I can't run…I've already lost so much of who I was. Now you want to cut out a piece of my brain. And if the operation goes wrong…or hell, even if it goes right I could wake up with serious neurological damage. I might not be able to control my bowels or my speech…I might not be able to keep my spit in my mouth."

"With all do respect, if we don't find this infection and it is in your brain, all those things are going to happen anyway. I'll let you think about it." He turned and set the papers on the table before walking out.

Ellie rubbed her fingers across Jimmy's arm, "Jim, I think you should do it…at least the CT and the MRI. We'll talk about the biopsy after those two…if they don't find anything."

He sobbed quietly, "Ellie…Ellie I don't want to die."

"You won't, not on my watch…I promise."

Hazel took in the sight before her and walked over to Jimmy's side, "Jimmy, you've got a real live guardian angel here. She's been through it all with you, and she wouldn't lead you astray…you owe it to her to fight for yourself as hard as she is…"

Jimmy nodded at Hazel, "You're right Haze…you're absolutely right. Bring those papers over here…let me sign them."

Ellie exhaled sharply and leaned over to kiss his forehead, "I love you, you know that, right?"

"As surely as I know anything…"

"Jimmy? Jimmy? I'm looking for Jimmy Brooks man?" a male voice floated through the doors.

Jimmy pulled himself further up in the bed, "Marco? God Nash, is there anyone you didn't call?"

"She didn't call me," a deeper voice said walking into the room.

"Dad…" Jimmy whispered

Marco followed shortly behind him, "The nurses, apparently, frown on people peeking through the curta—Dr. Brooks…oh."

"You didn't think I'd want to see my son?"

"With all due respect, sir…you haven't been too interested in seeing him healthy. You carried on with your life like he was just one little part of it…and I do mean little." Ellie brandished standing just slightly taller.

He laughed coldly and stared down at her, "You call that respect?"

"I said DUE respect…I don't happen to think you earned much."

"Ellie…" Jimmy whispered wrapping his fingers tighter around her, "It's okay, it's okay. How'd you find out I was in here if no one called."

"This is my hospital, Jim…I passed your doctors in the hall talking about brain biopsies. You know, those are very dangerous procedures, son."

"I'm well aware. I also already signed the papers."

"And if you come back brain damaged?"

"I'll still be alive."

"Even your precious Ellie isn't going to stick around to change your diapers, James."

Ellie stepped forwards sharply, "Don't you ever speak for what I will or will not do. You don't know anything about me."

"I just don't want Jimmy to make choices without thinking everything through."

"I have thought it through, Dad…they think they can find what's been doing this to me…that's a strong enough motivator for the risk."

"You never said anything about Jimmy in any of your letters," Craig said as I took a break for some water.

"You never asked, Craig. Of course, you never asked about ANYTHING, so I should have just assumed."

"You spent all that time with him…all your energy on him…you'd think you'd have something to say about it."

"I did…but what good would it have done? You were an addict, Craig. Worse than that, you were addicted to drugs that altered your mental state. Sometimes your letters, your phone calls…they didn't even make any sense. We never talk about it, because we know you were trying to get clean…we gave you your support. But Craig, you were impossible to know. The drugs changed everything about you…or maybe you were the same and they just brought out the worst. The details don't matter, the facts are the same."

Emma covered my hand with hers, "That's for another day, Nora…this is about the—finish your story."

The waiter dropped off the pizza and I ate a couple of slices before continuing, "The MRI showed these dark spots in the back of his brain. They were tiny growths inside the nerve endings…little tumors. Or, that's what they thought. In actuality they were cysts formed by parasites. He had neurocysticercosis. That's a condition where tapeworm larva travels to the brain and build tiny cysts in the infected area. That's why he was so sick, they were feeding on parts of the brain…"

"That's awful…and disgusting…but mostly just awful."

"Yeah, and since they were just starting when he first got sick the CT didn't catch them…and they didn't do an MRI. It—he's lucky they figured it out. They gave him drugs to kill the parasites and he started getting better right away. But he was so scared. And there was still lasting damage from the parasite. He kept saying God had it out for him. And, I believed it, you know. There were little things he wouldn't ever get back, parts of his memory, the ability to close the fingers on his right hand. He seemed so…out of it. He stayed in my house even when Sean moved back. Emma came up to visit a couple of times each month…she stayed with us too. It was like some sort of disfunctional Degrassi reunion."

"Ellie"

"What, Em?"

"The reunion parts…not really necessary. Unless you're just trying to make him feel guilty."

"Which I already do," Craig whispered smiling softly.

"I…it's just how I tell the story. I'll speed it up, okay? Jimmy asked me to have his baby. Just like that, right out of nowhere. He gave me a list of reason…I'd already cared for him through his illness, bathed him, fed him, the works. He wanted to have a child before it was too late. I thought about it for a long time. I told him he should wait to have a child with the woman he was going to marry. But he didn't believe there was one…"

"Ellie, you're the closest I'm ever going to get to that kind of love."

"Jim—"

"No, I get it, that you can't love me like that…I'm not talking about that. Ellie, you're the most beautiful person I know, inside and out. I want my child to have your qualities. It's a lot to ask…and you're the only one I ever would trust. I—it's harder for men. Woman can decide they want to be single parents and pick a donor. I can't pick a surrogate and eggs and all that without intense screening. And who would give the cripple the right to raise children by himself?"

"Are you telling me there's a little Jimmy Brooks running around with your eyes?" Craig asked clutching the table so hard his knuckles turned white.

Ellie shook her head sadly, "No, Craig…we were…we were trying. But nothing was working. Sean couldn't understand why I was doing what I was doing and he left again. I had gotten used to it by then. Craig…you have to listen, okay? We started fertility treatments. Months later, there was still nothing to show for it. I took it really hard. Then Jimmy asked me to marry him…"

"How did he react when you said no?" Craig asked leaning towards her.

"I said yes" Ellie replied.

"WHAT? YOU GOT MARRIED? TO JIMMY?" he voice rose and the other customers looked over with wide eyes.

"Craig, calm down…" Emma mumbled reaching out to him.

"You didn't think this was important? You didn't think to MENTION a marriage in one of your letters? Fuck. Fuck."

One of the mothers from a nearby table glared at him, "Excuse you? This is a family restaurant."

"We're sorry ma'am," Ellie said before turning back to Craig, "Calm down, Craig. You're being a jerk. Let me…let me finish."

"There's more? Great. There's more. Just tell me why you didn't think any of this was relevant."

"Honestly? I didn't think you were going to stick around. I didn't think you needed to know everything about my life because you never asked follow up questions, you never took a genuine interest. I thought you kept writing letters because it was the polite thing to do and rehab was boring and eventually you'd find something else to entertain you and they'd stop all together."

"You were wrong," Craig spit. "You were wrong about what I thought, what I did, who I was. You don't know me at all, Ellie. I thought about you everyday. I thought about your hair, your eyes, your encouraging words. I loved you more than anythign else in my life. Your words, your memory…it's what got me sober." He stood up abruptly, "I'm leaving in ten minutes."

Emma sighed and pulled me into her, "It's going to be okay. I mean…he was gone from your life for three years…he…he has to readjust, to learn you all over again. Parts of it are going to hurt…but it'll be okay eventually."

I wiped the tears from my eyes, "He has to get over himself. I'm telling him about the hardest thing I've ever been through and he still manages to make it all about his pain? He's ridiculous…I don't know how you put up with him."

"I'll grab the bill and meet you outside," Emma said in response.

"I'm not going out there without you," I whispered.

"Yes, you are. Don't drag this out. Don't let him drag this out. For God's sake, you haven't even gotten to the part where Jay—"

"Yeah, I get it…" I walked outside and saw Craig leaning against the car, cigarette in hand, "Emma will kill you if she sees you smoking."

"Good, if I'm dead I don't have to deal with you."

"Quit acting like a child, Craig."

He scoffed, "Christ, is there anything about me that doesn't repulse you."

"At this particular moment, or in general?"

"Screw you, Ellie."

"Haven't you done that enough, Craig? Screwed me and screwed me over…time and time again. You're pissed that I have such a low standard for you. But you aren't mad at yourself for meeting it for all those years? That's a little hypocritical, don't you think?"

"Who says I'm not mad at myself? Huh? What do you know about it?"

"I know what you tell me, Craig. That's all, no more, no less. How is it you still manage to make everyone else's pain about you?"

"What's that supposed to mean?" he shouted throwing the cigarette onto the floor and stomping over to me.

"Exactly what it sounds like, asshole. This isn't about your feelings…it's about me and Jimmy and…God…the most horrific experience of my life."

"So Jimmy got sick…he got better? What's so horrific about that? What? You couldn't make a baby together? The marriage fell apart because you couldn't conceive? Please, Ellie, break my heart some more."

I looked at him, tears falling down my face recklessly then turned away abruptly. I couldn't handle the contempt I saw, "He died."

Craig froze and I felt him soften, "What? Who? The baby? Jimmy?"

"Both," came my stiffled reply.

"What do you mean he's not going to make it?" Ellie asked standing from her chair.

"Your husband contracted neurocysticercosis a year ago."

"Yes, I'm aware. But they said that he was going to be fine."

"The pills they gave him to kill the parasites restrict the vessels in the brain. That's how they kill the larvae; it suffocates them."

"I don't understand. What does this have to do with the vomiting? I—he said it was just the stomach flu."

"The vomiting was a symptom of the seizures."

"Seizures?"

"Yes. The seizures were a symptom of the strokes."

"What? Strokes? You mean—oh God."

"There were a series of small clots in his body. Who knows how they got to the brain. It's most likely that they originated in his legs; paralysis in the legs often triggers something called P.A.D. Peripheral Artery Disease. He was prescribed a blood thinner but it probably made him weak. You two were trying to conceive, yes?"

Ellie nodded slowly, "I—he wouldn't go off his meds."

"I'm sorry…but he did. The clots were probably small enough to pass through the rest of his bloodstream but because of the restriction in the brain's vessels, too large to move on. He had a series of minor strokes then, one large one. That was the seizing you witnessed down in the ER. The MRI showed a substantial amount of brain death. It isn't likely that he'll wake up. If he does…he won't be able to communicate. It'll just…I'm sorry to say that it's actually better if he doesn't wake up at this point."

Ellie looked at the doctor with cold eyes, "You're saying he's dying? Absolutely?"

"Yes. I'm sending a nurse down within the hour to discuss palliative care. I'm sorry. I wish there were more I could do." The doctor turned to leave and Ellie stopped him.

"Dr. Gunther?"

"Yes?"

"His father works here…the 9th floor. Dr. Brooks…will you tell him?"

"Of course."

As soon as the doctor left Ellie began to call their friends. "Hazel, I understand wanting to be here. But really…all there is to do is wait. I'm not going to stop you from coming. But he won't be able to tell."

"I'm coming as much for you as I am for him, Ellie…"

"Okay…yeah…okay."

Marco she didn't even debate with just smiled sullenly and said, "Okay, I'll see you in an hour." Emma would fly up as soon as possible. She was still tending to Craig's apartment but she said she could find someone else to water the plants while she was gone. "You selfish bastard," she muttered brushing her fingers across his forehead. "How dare you make the possibility of a child more important than yourself. How dare you make this choice without me. If you had—if you had told me I would've known what to watch for. I would've known what was happening, what to tell them to treat. You'd still be here." She cried climbing into the hospital bed with him, "How could you leave me like this…"

"If he had told you, you would've stopped trying to conceive," a voice said from the doorway.

"Dr. Brooks?"

"Yes…I'm sorry Eleanor."

"It isn't your fault."

"It isn't your either."

For the first time since she had met Jimmy's father she looked at him with something other than hate, "It is…I…I pushed him. The doctor said so herself. If he hadn't been so pressured to conceive—"

"Ellie, he chose this. He chose this way to die over any of the other options. That's all…he wanted your baby, he chose this. He knew the risks and he decided you were worth it. He didn't ask your opinion; he didn't give you a choice. He was truly selfish in this moment. But it was one of his few, wasn't it?" Dr. Brooks said with a heartbreaking sigh. "He was so gentle and forgiving…so in love with the world."

They sat together in the room reminscing until Marco and Hazel showed up, "Are you okay, babygirl?" Marco asked pulling her into a hug.

"No…no…the nurse was here from the hospice. They're gonna do everything they can to make him comfortable. They started morphine…I—I think I'm going to throw up," as she said this she rushedherself into the bathroom.

When she made her way back out Hazel was talking, "—the best presents for Jamie. He loved those girls like they were his own."

Ellie laughed hollowly, "So, you mean more than he loved himself, then."

"Ella, you're okay, right?"

"Yeah…just sick to my stomach over all of this. I'm so disgusted by his choices and yet…I love him so much." She broke down, "I love him so much." Hazel rocked the smaller girl in her arms as she cried, "Thank you for coming, Hazel. Thank you…"

"I'm so incerdibly sorry, Ellie…I was being such an ass."

"Yes you were. In a classic Craig move. But, go ahead. I know you're chopping at the bits to ask: why didn't Emma tell you when she was leaving? It's simple…I told her not to. I didn't want you to take time out of rehab and have one of your classic meltdowns. I didn't want you to have to start all over again with the program."

"I understand. I do…I just…wish I could've been there…for you, for Jimmy, for Emma, for Marco…I wish I had been better than what I was then."

"There were enough people there I didn't know…didn't need. Everyone came out of the woodwork."

"Ellie? Are you okay? You look pale?"

"Marco? Get Emma…I…I can't believe this."

"What? What is it? Tell me?"

"Come on, you don't already know? The vomiting, the irritability…"

"That could be anything…you just lost your husband."

"It's not anything. Jimmy's stupid plan worked; I'm pregnant."

Marco rushed down the stairs sending Emma up. She pushed the door open and climbed onto the bed with Ellie, "Sweetie, you can't be sure until you take a test…"

"Then I'll take one. There are boxes under the sink. But I don't need it, Emma. I know I'm pregnant."

The test confirmed it and Ellie sat back on the rocking chair in her living room just staring at her friends, "I can't decide if this is a blessing or not. I have a piece of him now…but, on the other hand, I have a reminder of what I lost…I—I don't know what to do. The baby…this was all for him. Before it's too late, he said."

"The best things in life are always too late," Marco whispered.

"It's not fair," Ellie cried, "I needed him."

"Ellie, maybe you want to tak a break," Emma suggested wrapping her arm around me.

"No, if I stop now I'll never get it out. I—Craig, are you still listening?"

"Yes, Ellie. God…I couldn't block this out if I tried."

"Your compassion is inspiring," I bit throwing the wrapper from my hamburger at his head.

The car swerved as he ducked, "Do we see how throwing things at the driver is not a good idea? Ellie…we're ten minutes out of the city. Are you even going to be up for a night on the town when we get there?"

I shrugged and ran my fingers through my hair, "Nothing could cheer me up more than broadway and shopping. If you're still promising broadway and shopping, I'll make it through. I mean…I survive well enough."

"Okay…but even the slightest feeling that you want to bow out we do so. I'll scalp the tickets and we'll try again later, okay?"

"Okay. So…I was definitely pregnant. I wanted to just stay in the house and greive but I knew I had to get back to work. I was two months along and soon enough there would be a baby to care for. Emma stuck around and made sure I did all the normal things, eating, sleeping, showering. It got pretty quiet for a while. Then I started having these dreams. Jimmy and I would be sitting on the couch and he would turn to me and say what he'd said that first week he moved in, "I always knew it would be like this: you and me 'til the very end." I couldn't sleep through the night. And Dr. Brooks stumbled upon the drawing books he'd kept through the years. They were full of pictures of me, us, our old school gang, him and Ashley from that year they were together. He drew everything. Then there were these beautiful sketches of a babies.

I began to feel like I was whole again, like Jimmy really was there in spirit and I could get through it all. Because I had this piece of him. I felt like I was finally coming out of the other end of it. Then I lost the baby. The doctors said it was to be expected, all the stress I had endured, all of the turmoil…but still, I had lost the last string connecting me to Jimmy. I went to his gravesite and…and I just lost it. I started screaming at God about how selfish He was being. I couldn't believe God had the nerve to take my husband, my best friend, and the only memory I had left of him.

Jay—Jay was at the cemetery too. He was planting flowers at his sister's grave. I remember that he walked up to me and put his hand on my shoulder. I wanted to beat the hell out of him but I couldn't. He pulled me to him and let me cry."

Author's Note (Part 2): Congratulations to anyone who made it through that all in one sitting. I promise that will (probably) be the saddest chapter ever. Also, I have no medical knowledge at all so I just put pulled some stuff together. The brain tapeworms were from an VERY scary lecture my nuitrition professor once taught on pork. And my mother died from small vessel disease and undiagnosed TNAs. So I just found a way I could throw them together. Hand to God, I will never kill Jimmy again. It just hurts too much. (Okay, secretly I enjoyed it. But only because of my love for angst...sigh.)