Sorry this update took so long. I was having a hard time getting into Craig's head for this chapter. I didn't want to back him into a corner: "the addict", "the adulterer", "the overall jackass." Somewhere, inside this story is Craig's softer, abused-puppy side...and I WILL find it...eventually.

Craig pulled over to the side of the road and switched seats with Emma. He curled his legs up over my own, "Ellie, Ellie, it's okay," in my ear over and over again.

Moments later he found himself being pushed away, "No, Craig, stop. Go away."

"Ellie?" he questioned turning into her even harder, "Stop. STOP!" he shouted as she clawed at him.

I looked down at where bright red flesh was raising angrily at me and flattened my palms against his forearms. "I don't want…I don't want to be one of those girls."

"What girls?" he asked letting me back into the other window.

"Your girls…that fall apart without you and let you piece them back together like nothing has changed. Everything has changed, Craig. You don't even know me anymore."

"And whose fault is that?" he asked mouth bending downwards in anger.

"Yours. You could spend every day with me for the next thirty years and you still won't know me like you SHOULD and it will still be your fault. Pull over, Em. Pull over."

Emma glided the car over to the shoulder as I pushed the door open and threw up my lunch. She gasped and turned back to me, "Nora, you need some water?" Even as she asked she was headed towards the trunk to get me a bottle of seltzer water.

I nodded and looked over my shoulder at Craig. He moved himself over and began rubbing my back, "You loved Jimmy?"

"Do you really need her to answer that? Out loud? Does this have to be about you?"

"It's not about me, Emma. If you loved Jimmy, Ella…and I know you did…then you have to look at this in the bigger picture. Jimmy didn't want to tie you to him…ever, Ellie. He always wanted you to be able to live. Of course his first choice was to let you live with him, that would be anyone's first choice…you're a remarkable woman. But he wouldn't want you to let this ruin your life. You know I'm right…everything Jimmy did was his life was to teach others not to give up theirs. Jimmy was a part of you. A huge part, and most of that part died,yes."

"You're helping, really Craig. I feel loads better already," I snapped.

"Remember that purple and blue print he made Sophomore year of college? The one that sold at his show for more money than God? It had those golden bullets with the words written on them? The wall piece? "Parts of us die, and it's sad. But those parts have to die so we can continue to grow. That's the process of life. And everyday that we're alive, we owe it to ourselves to grow, and laugh, and live until it hurts. And then, years from now, we will be able see that part of us didn't die, it just changed…became part of a larger, better us." You have to remember that."

"I remember the print."

"Remember the words. You're never going to forget him, Ellie. He is always going to be inside of you…hell, he'll be inside all of us. Jimmy Brooks changed the world."

He starts to rock me softly and I let him. Later, while the three of us are riding a horse-drawn carriage through Central Park he turns to Emma, "So Jay walked Ellie home and, what? You took one look at his totally ripped abs and had to have him?"

Emma laughed; it was a hollow sound, "I wish it were that easy."

"None of the good things come easy," Craig whispered. It follows Emma's words…but he is looking at me. I shivered as he continued, "True love requires war and heartache."

"So we're authentic then," Emma laughed grabbing my hand, "we have Craig's stamp of approval."

I put my head on her shoulder, "Do you think it gets easier? Or is great love always hard to maintain?"

She pressed her lips to my forehead, "Hard. Always. We laugh, we make love, we move on…but we never forget. We never forgive. I'll always hate him for what he did to me. And he'll always hate me for what I did to him."

"That's not true," Craig mumbled turning towards us, "it can't be."

After the show we headed back to the car, tired and worn. My head hurt from all the tears and I could see the same defeat on everyone else. Back at the hotel Emma's words with Jay are tense. I try not to let her see me listening, but it's obvious, "We change; it's a condition of life. If we don't keep up we'll lose eachother." She doesn't say, "Again," but I can tell she's thinking it.

I don't get to hear Jay's response because Craig is poking me in the shoulder, "Give her privacy, Nash."

"If she wanted privacy she'd have gone into the bathroom, Manning."

"What do you want me to say, Jay? I am his friend and if he needs me I'm going to be there. Just like I'm here for Ellie and Craig and Alex…just like I'm here for Melanie and Shoop…people depend on me…I'm not going to talk about it again."

"What do you think they're fighting about?" Craig asked laying down behind me.

"Sean."

"What? Because of the story?"

"No, because of the voicemail I got this morning. Tracker was in a car accident."

"This morning? Before we left the hotel?"

"You think she brought up the Sean thing randomly? Because of your Manny thing? She wanted to give you a heads up. Sean'll be coming down here soon. Probably this weekend."

"No one thought to ask me?"

"You'd say no, shocker…you hate him."

"He hurt you."

"So did you…"

"I hate me too."

I arched my eyebrows, "That's not healthy, Mr. Manning."

"Don't call me that…Mr. Manning was an abusive jackass."

"Too bad he didn't know about the mood-altering drugs."

"You've turned into a real bitch, you know."

I squinted alittle at his words, "I had heard that…but then, I'd also heard I was sleeping with some famous rockstar type." I looked up to see Emma walking out of the room, cell phone in hand. "Look at that, make your own privacy."

"Ellie, what Manny did was horrible. But…you were, at one point, sleeping with me while I was with her."

"Not while I was with Sean."

"Right, so it's less horrible because only one of us was in another relationship."

"That's what Dr. Phil says."

"Right, Jay, this visit is definitely about the sex. See our MARRIAGE VOWS just aren't working out for me."

Craig looked over to the door just as Emma slammed her way back in, "Sean can't stay with us."

"I agree," Craig smirked, "I don't want anything to come between you and Jay."

I rolled my eyes, "You already told him he could go to Philadelphia with us. He can't afford to fly there and the driving schedule fit perfectly. Let me talk to Jay."

Emma handed the phone over, "Jay…look, I get that you don't like him much. But he isn't coming to be with Emma. Besides, you knew you'd eventually have to let them be together without you again. She loves you. Trust me, I have to hear about it all the time…in explicit detail…would it make you feel better if I told you I'll sleep with him? Personally. I mean, it'd be a sacrifice but, if it would ease your concerns about his soothe-seeking sexcapades, I'm always willing to help a friend."

"Golden gem, you are," Craig snickered frowning into his pillow.

"Right then, he'll drive the thirty and what hours with us. I'll be in charge of cheering him up, Emma will only ever wear your old baggy t-shirts and say things like, "Jay is my Lord and Master." I'd call it a win-win…right so no "Jay is my Lord and Master," but no free thought either…I'm taking notes right now. What all is she allowed to do while Sean's with us? Mhm…I was just having this conversation with Craig. Really, I've always been a bitch, secretly…I was just hiding it from you all so you'd vote me prom queen…yeah, yeah, here's your girl."

Emma mouthed thank you to me while she took the phone back. He said soemthing that made her laugh and and smiled at Craig as I sat back down on his bed, "So, you and Cameron want to share a bed?"

"Cameron and Hogart can—"

"Did you not just hear me promise Jay she wouldn't?"

"See, I thought he was refering to the sleeping done naked and breathless."

"These are the options: you and him, me and him."

"You did this on purpose."

"For what purpose?"

"You know I hate him."

"Yes, because he hurt me. You know what's funny? He hates you too. Because, and I quote, you hurt me worse."

"That is funny. Notice the laughing I'm doing on the inside. Is that true? I hurt you worse?"

"Now isn't that kind of like admitting I loved you more than him?"

"It's exactly like admitting you love me more. Now get to it."

"You did…hurt me worse. I loved you more back then. You tore me into millions of pieces…and Sean had all of that to pick up after when he decided he loved me—"

"He loved you…just not when you were broken? Just you, whole, rising from the depths."

"What the hell does that mean?"

"You moved in with him to escape the bad…to get better. And then, once you were…he ditched you. After Jimmy? Same thing. You, the dove with the broken wing. He nursed you back to health and then he took off again. He didn't need you, he just needed to be the hero."

I stared back at his blank eyes, "What is it inside of you that makes you say things like that to people? People you're supposed to care about."

"It's the truth."

"So what? You don't need to tell every truth every moment. How fucked up are you that you have to see everyone else's pain too."

We stared at eachother for what seemed like hours. "I don't want to fight with you."

"You have to. There's too much between us." I whispered finally looking away.

"What does that mean? What does that even mean, Ellie?"

"It means my wounds…from you…they're too fresh to go digging back into. I don't want to end up hating you."

"So, it's all set, Sean will be joining us Friday," Emma said walking out of the bathroom and tossing the phone onto the bed.

"No one even asked me," Craig pointed out once again.

"You said I could invite anyone I wanted to join us for a few days, any time. You think I don't remember that?"

"Sean Cameron doesn't count."

"Why? Because Ellie loves him?"

Craig's eyes went dark like coal, "No."

"Right," Emma said, "I forgot how well adjusted you are. You aren't going to have nightmares about her getting back together with him before she even gives you a chance to explain."

"What gives, Em? I thought we were friends."

"We are. That doesn't mean I'm going to let you take out your personal shit on Sean."

"Ellie…can you take a walk or something?" Craig asked turning to me.

I looked back and forth between them both, "Seriously? You're kicking me out of the room so you can talk about me and Sean?"

Emma sighed, "Nora…this is about him, not you or Sean…"

I shook my head in disbelief, "Fine. You get ten minutes. Then I don't care what I walk in on."

As soon as they heard my footsteps fade away Craig spoke up, "Sean Cameron is the reason I'm not with Ellie today."

"That's ludacris. Of all the problems, drugs, Manny, Jesse, Jimmy, Brittany, et all, you can't pick Cameron out of the mix and pin it all on him."

"I was stopping the drugs…for her. I was leaving Manny, for her. And those other girls…they…they meant nothing."

"Ellie thought so too. Until Manny's book came out and she had photographic evidence that Ellie was just one of the women you were extramarrital affairing. It's like you were cheating on her too…because if it was just Ellie then, yeah, you had a reason. Manny had duped you into the marriage and, of course you really loved Ellie. Instead, she came off looking like just another bimbo…another girl Craig picked up and dropped off in the name of rock."

"She wasn't…not any of that."

"How is she supposed to know? You lied to her, Craig. About the drugs, about the other women. The last time you two slept together, you were high. Did you think she wouldn't find out?"

"I—I don't know. How did she find out?"

"Well, aside from reading Manny's book and, I don't know, being able to DO MATH, there's the fact that you admitted it. In one of your letters from rehab. The only time you were EVER honest with her about it."

"I didn't want to hurt her."

"No, you didn't want to hurt her so much that she left you alone. There's a difference. YOU are the reason she isn't with you today. And until you admit that, until you act on that knowledge, she never will be."

Craig stared back at her silently but Emma's determination didn't break. When I walked back into the room they were both sitting on opposites sides of the bed staring eachother down. "This is why I had to leave the room? So you could stare bitterly at eachother and NOT talk about me?"

Emma just stood up and walked over to her bag, "I'm going swimming. In the pool. For an hour." She didn't say anything else but Craig's response told me there were words I hadn't heard.

As she left Craig went to the window and opened his guitar case. He sat the guitar on his lap but didn't move to play. I looked him over intensely, "Play me something?"

"What do you want to hear?"

"Got anything new?"

"No…I don't…I don't write anymore."

"What? You have such a gift—"

"I've done it all…rock, pop, jazz, emo, blues…there's nothing left."

"So invent. Or…reinvent."

"I meant the music inside of me."

I blinked a few times and frowned at him in confusion, "The music inside of you is dead?"

He laughed, mirthlessly, "I think it ODed."

I pushed my hand through the hair by his ear, "Craig…the drugs…how'd you start?"

"I don't know…it just happened, Ellie."

"Before or after you went off your meds?"

"Thousands of people are misdiagnosed bipolar each year."

"You weren't one of them. Stop avoiding the question."

"Why? Because if it was before I stopped my meds I delibrately chose to hurt you and if it was after, then I didn't know what I was doing?"

I narrowed my eyes at him but didn't answer.

"Do us both a favor, Ellie, forgive me either way."

"No."

"Oh, for fuck's sake…"

"What, Craig? What now? Just tell me. Were the drugs fucking with your mood stabilizers or were the mood stabilizers fucking with your highs?"

"They're all drugs, Eleanor. Or didn't you get that far into the thought process when you were laying awake at night wondering when my next letter would come."

"Craig, I never wondered when the next letter would come. I only worried that it wouldn't come at all. Instead, I'd just get some random phone call in the middle of the night from Manny…or someone even less interested in hearing my voice…saying "He's gone. Just wanted to let you know before the story broke." I—nevermind."

"No, say it. Don't go soft now."

"I want to know why, Craig. I have to. It's the only way I'm going to be able to forgive you."

"Why what? Manny?"

"That too, someday. But let's tackle the myriad of illegal substances first."

"At first, the amphetamines…they were just to keep me up, you know. For shows, for parties…for avoiding Manny by being a million places other than at home, with my wife. Then…I don't know…this guy said there was something that could make all the staying awake more fun."

"But why? I mean…you know how I feel about drugs. YOU AGREED WITH ME…for so long."

"You weren't there. You didn't see how…empty everything was. I missed you."

"Don't put it on me, Craig. That's not fair."

"That's not what I'm saying. I'm saying…it hit me, one day, that everything I loved was in Toronto and I was chasing shadows through the States with a woman I couldn't stand. I thought, maybe, if I pushed hard enough…I could learn to love what I had. Or…at least forget I didn't love it."

"Instead you lied to, manipulated, and hurt the EVERYTHINGS you DID LOVE? Does that make sense to you?"

"Not now…but it did. It did then. I was depressed."

"So, after the meds…"

"No…but…the stabilizers…that's all they do, stabilize…they aren't a cure all. There are still highs and lows…"

"And instead of talking about it you decided to chemically alter it?"

"I TRIED TALKING ABOUT IT. All anyone ever said was "Then come home." I couldn't…I couldn't."

"Why the hell not? Did you ever think that maybe we KNEW you wouldn't get the help you needed where you were?"

"I did…I did think that…that night in Kansas. When you were…when I was…under you. And you…were crying…"

"Ellie," Craig gasped lifting his hips off the mattress in a slow circular motion, "What are you doing?"

Ellie pulled her mouth away from his hip bone just long enough to answer, "Marking you."

"You—oh, God…stop…Manny will—"

"Forget Manny! She doesn't make you feel like this. You know why?" Ellie asked positioning herself eye level with Craig.

He moaned and reached out to touch her and she carefully nipped at his hand before pinning it back to the bed, "Because she CAN'T, Craig…she can't." Ellie lowered herself back onto his torso and looked over at the clock on the wall.

"Elle? What is it? Where are you right now?"

"You're…you're never gonna leave her, are you?" Ellie asked moving with a start towards the wall.

He put his hand on her thigh to stop her, "Elle…please, don't do this." She turned back towards him and he saw tears on her face, "You're crying? Oh, Ellie…"

She brushed at his fingers until they fell away from her. Then, gathering her clothes in her arms she clicked the bathroom door shut. Moments later he was there, knocking, "Ellie…open up."

"Craig, it's over…it's done. Let it go."

"What's over? Are you…are you leaving?"

"One of us has to…"

"No…not YOU. I'll—I'll talk to Manny."

She laughed as she opened the door. He eyed her body; she looked extremely well-put-together for three minutes after tearfully interrupted sex. "Yes, you will. And when the conversation is over you'll both have decided you REALLY love eachother and you're going to try to work things out. I'm not seventeen anymore. I've been around the block."

"Yeah, with my bass player. I remember."

She reached out quickly with her hand and he expected to feel the slap. Instead, her hand stopped suddenly and landed against his cheek softly, "I will love you, always,"

"So what changed, Craig? What made you decide Toronto WASN'T the place for you?"

"You left."

"Oh, of course, that makes perfect sense. Forget the fact that you had been cheating on your WIFE with me for five months at that point…"

"Oh please, I've been cheating on Manny with you since highschool…we just never knew."

"Are you serioues with that line? My God…are you high right now?"

"You're being a bitch."

"The affair had to stop. You know that, Craig. Even if you hated Manny, even if you loved me, even if you were too coked out to know it then…you know it now. If we were every going to…it had to stop."

"If we were ever going to what, Elle?"

I shut my eyes at the sound, "Don't call me that; you know I hate it."

"You don't…you used to like it."

"No, I used to tolerate it when I was young and stupid and thought life's secrets were in getting you to fuck me hard. Turns out, the secrets are hiding elsewhere."

"Fine, Eleanor…If we were ever going to what?"

"Move past it. If we were ever going to get on with our lives, it had to stop."

"That's not what you were going to say."

"I promise you, it is. No doubt I wanted to get on with my life WITH you. But, either way…I knew…the second you pushed me off of you…we would have to lose eachother to find our way back again."

Craig blinked, then scowled. Then he stood abruptly, dropping his guitar onto the bed with a thud, "Then why are you so fucking pissed off now, huh? This was all part of your plan. Fuck. FUCK YOU, ELLIE! How long have you been manipulating me? Huh? Since highschool? What the fuck was with that stupid, "This isn't me" bullshit anyway? Did you just KNOW that was how to get to me? Give me the false hope that someone thought I was worth changing for?"

I closed my eyes to his hurtful diatribes, "I wasn't manipulating you. I—"

"Sure you were. You left me, hickeys on my hipbones, my torso, inner thighs. No way my wife wouldn't notice SOMETHING. And then, I'd have to lie to her. Name some other girl that wasn't as important to you. Thus proving your point. Thus forcing me to think about the one that got away every.fucking.second. Of everyday."

"Oh, SORRY, Craig…didn't mean to turn your world upside by saying, "No," to your manwhore ways."

"Well, it certainly backfired on you. You know why Manny hated you so much? The one thing she never wrote about in her book? The girls…all of them…they were all redheads. They were all scarred…physically…they were…as close to you as someone else could be."

"Is that supposed to make me feel better? Or just guilty, Craig? Tell me so I know how to react. Because I don't think blind rage is what you were going for. Just…tell me something Craig…was it really a manipulation? I mean…just look around. I—I HAVE changed…not all for the better, but if you ask around, the consensus would probably be that at least part of it was for you. You're the one that doesn't change. God, your parents really did a number on you; you wouldn't leave your wife, who didn't love you, who was practically married to your manager for a good three years of YOUR marriage because you were afraid to be your mother…giving up when things got tough. And the other half of the time you're smiling sweetly at your loved ones saying, "I won't hurt you again. It was a mistake. I love you," just like dear old dad. Tell me, does begging for forgiveness ever get old? Do you ever consider becoming a better person so there's less to forgive?"

I watched the facial ticks in his face while I spoke to him. I stepped away from him because he looked like he was about to lose it. Instead, he bit back, "Well, it's good to see you didn't inherit your mother's inability cope or, I don't know, to trust anyone or how about your father's willingness to hide…to cut out when the going gets tough." I caught the double meaning…I bit my tongue so hard I could taste blood. Game. Set. And match. "Tell me, Eleanor, who will your hurt next? When I stop being your whipping boy? When you run out of ways to hurt yourself? How will you get that steady dose of destruction and chaos you've learned to depend on?"

So, what do you think? Where do they go from here?