So, thanks everyone for the reviews. I want to mention that I have big, HUGE, COLOSSAL, plans for Manny's character. Who will actually join the cast of characters via flashbacks soon. And you can all look forward to more of my oh-so-pathetic attempts at songwriting because when they crew hits Philly next chapter, there will be open mic nights and angst. And someone will be stealing Craig's guitar and spiting out the words, "Well you aren't using it, hot shot."
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Eventually Sean ran out of spiteful things to say, "Look Craig, I loved them too."
I saw the question in his eyes before he asked it, "Them?"
"Ellie. Emma. I…I still do."
"I know you still do. That's why Jay doesn't want you within fifty yards of Emma these days and I…I would never choose to leave you alone with Ellie. Such an intense love, yours is, full of infidelity and abandonment."
Sean trained his eyes on Emma until she spoke up, "Fine, Sean."
Sean shook his head, "No, Em…"
"Why not…look, Craig, it's not Sean that Jay doesn't trust. It's me. And it isn't about the sex. It's about the lies I told him."
"About Sean?"
"Sure, about Sean. And about Peter, about my father, you, Manny, about everything. It's about Sean knowing me better than Jay does and Jay not being able to get over it."
"You lied to Jay about—"
"For a while. A long while…until he figured it out."
"Emma, what's wrong with this house?"
"Nothing. It's perfect. I just…you're shipping out in six months. I don't want to settle down with you just in time to say good-bye. Let's just keep the apartment a while longer."
"That lease is going to be up."
"After you leave."
"You still won't have anywhere to live, Em."
"I'll go stay with Ellie. Or Craig. Or…Alex and Kayla, they just bought a place."
"Yeah, they did. Because they're growing up, settling down together, you know. What married people do."
"I don't want to live in this stupid house all by myself, Jay. Christ."
"Why are you less alone with Craig or Ellie?"
Emma shrugged her shoulders and blinked slowly, "I'm comfortable with my friends around, that's all."
"I understand Ellie…she's always been there for you. But Craig…he was so selfish for so long. At yet you sacrificed your relationship with Manny for him? Why?"
"I didn't sacrifice anything. Manny and I are still friends. That marriage. That marriage was awful for both of them. They both made the same mistake and they both didn't have the guts to get out of it. Am I pissed at her for breaking up Ellie and Sean with all the garbage? Yes, of course. But we forgive, we move on…or at least, most of us do."
"Subtle, Emma."
"You forgave Sean. So why do you always throw it back in MY face. Am I somehow more to blame than his was?"
"YES. GOD YES. You were my girlfriend. MINE. You have obligations and promises to fulfill. Sean loved you…that was his weakness…and there's nothing I understand more than that. But you…your weakness…was being afraid. Being afraid to love someone. Being afraid to be loved. With all your daddy issues and emotional bullshit I'm surprised you didn't end up with Man—ohmyGod."
Jay's words ended abruptly and Emma looked up at him with shallow breaths, "What Jay?"
"When you went to the States and stayed in his apartment…he was in rehab the whole time?"
"You want to talk about that now? A year and a half later? What's gotten into you?"
"Just answer the question."
"No. He started a month after I got there. He bounced in and out the entire time I was down there."
"Did you sleep with him?"
"Does it matter?"
"That's a yes. And, YES, Emma. It matters. He was in our wedding party. Of course, so was Sean. Was there anyone in our wedding party you haven't slept with? Anyone at the chapel at all?"
"It was once, Jay. And it was horrible. I wanted you. Not him. You. He was high and I was high—"
"You let him get you high, Emma? What the fuck? I feel like I've been tricked. Tricked into marrying you. You didn't tell me on purpose. Did you think I'd change my mind, Emma?"
"Aren't you changing it now?" she whispered scared, broken. She turned away from him and slumped over. "I make mistakes. I've made mistakes. It doesn't mean I don't love you."
"It's not about sleeping with him. Or…or even the drugs. But…when we first got back together I gave you the opportunity to tell me all these things and you said nothing. I tried to give you a clean slate but it's like…it's like you don't want one."
"I don't. My imperfections make me better. My wild, egregious past makes me love you more. I didn't tell you. Because I knew it'd effect the way you look at Craig. But I didn't lie for me, Jay. You are going to love me no matter what. And I know that. And I feel safe here, with you…"
"Doesn't it bother you that I don't feel the same?"
Emma flinched at his words and moved to get into the car, "It kills me, Jay. KILLS ME. But why…what reason have I ever given you not to believe that I love you unconditionally?"
Jay put his hand on her shoulder, not harshly, but firm, "You are never satisfied, Emma. You are always looking for better from the world. From me."
"If we're satisfied with life, Jay, we're content…we're bored. Without dreams, aspirations, there's nothing to live for."
"What if I'm not good enough? What if one day you wake up and find someone better? Someone that knows you like Sean does, or makes you laugh like Craig. Or, I don't know, can spoil you like Peter did? Can forget your sins the way I haven't?"
"You don't know me at all, Jay. Fuck. I DID find someone that knows me, that makes me laugh, that spoils me. You, you idiot. You are all of the one thing they gave me rolled into one. And you don't have to forgive me, or forget my sins. Because it means more to me. SO MUCH more, that you don't forget them, and love me anyway. Yeah, I have dreams. Yeah, I want better. But I want better from US. FOR US. I want the best life we can have, together."
She wrapped her arms around his waist and burrowed into his chest and sighed softly, trying to calm herself. Jay moved his hands up and down her back in soothing circles, "I love you, Emma."
"I know, that's never been questioned. What has yet to be determined is if you know how I love you."
"You slept with Craig," Sean asked when Emma was finished with her story.
"You're still friends with Manny?" that was Craig.
"You never told Sean you slept with Craig? Or told Craig you talk to Manny? Bad Emma, bad."
"Ellie," Emma laughed looking back at me, "don't you start too."
"Sorry. It's just nice when they're fighting about something other than me. For a while I didn't think they had anything else to hate eachother for."
"Excuse me, girl talk later. You told ELLIE that you slept with Craig but you didn't tell me? What the hell?"
"I figured you'd get angry. I also figured that, in your anger, you'd tell Jay."
"I would have, to both. But. Jay knew…months ago. So…why still keep it from me?"
"Well, I thought about it. But really, it was nearly two year ago so…I didn't see any reason to bring it up."
"I don't understand. We were. Are. You know how I feel about…" he trailed off reaching his hand out to touch Emma's arm.
"Feel about what? About me?" Craig asked from the driver's seat. :And how's that, Sean? Aww…do I make your heart sing?"
"You make my blood curl, jackass. What did you see in him?"
"He's a good guy, Sean."
"No. He is a cheater, and a liar, and he hurts people just because he can."
"Oh, you never hurt them, Sean? How about when you walked out on both of them after the shooting? How about when you came back and swept Emma off her feet just to leave her again at the first sign of trouble? Did you ever think about how much it hurt Ellie when you jumped into bed with the girl who was, for all intents and purposes, her best friend? For that matter, did you think about how much losing Jay would hurt Emma when you decided to take her out for a romantic evening and woo her pants off?"
"SHE IS THE ONE THAT CAME TO ME THAT NIGHT, CRAIG. Emma was the one spouting grand declarations of love. I should've stopped it, I know that. But I didn't start it. And I certainly didn't take advantage of her."
"Emma isn't. She wouldn't."
"I did, Craig. I did. And I knew Ellie still loved him, and I still loved Jay and I did it anyway. There aren't enough apologies for the mess I made. But I'll keep trying."
"Why? Why would you willingly—knowingly—hurt your friends. Yourself. I don't get it, Em?"
"Of course you do, Craig. You did the same exact thing. That's why I went to the States, to be with you—someone that understood. But then I chickened out. And I couldn't tell you about all my what ifs and the bullshit I put everyone through back home. I…you were fucked up, way fucked up. So I just relished in being the normal one again."
"I tried to fix her. But…it isn't me."
"What? Who are you talking about?" Craig asked, eyes softening at Sean's desperate tone.
"Pick one. You can't go wrong. Neither of them…neither of them would choose me…"
"Sean,"
"No, Ellie…don't. It took me forever, but I'm finally okay with it. Ever since that day at your apartment…the first day Jay came back."
"Nora, Christ. I was so worried about you," Emma said as the door fell open.
"I was at the cemetery."
"We went there," Sean muttered incredulously.
"I ran into someone. We went for coffee. And to—"
"Ellie, your umbrella," Jay said rushing up the stairs.
"Jay?" Emma asked backing away from the doorway.
"You ran into Jay?"
"He was visiting his sister's grave. I'm sorry Em…it wasn't anything but friends being there for eachother."
Emma nodded but didn't step any closer to the figure in the door.
"You should come in, Jay," Sean tried bouncing on his feet nervously.
"I'd rather not…wouldn't want to discourage the Emma/Sean vibe."
"We're not together, Jay. You know that. She told you that at the restaurant. Many months ago."
"So you aren't bored with life yet?"
"It's not like that, Jay. Sean is…he's always there for me when I need him."
"Are you kidding me? How many times does he have to walk out on you before you see him for what he truly is?"
"He tries, Jay. Which is more than ANYONE has ever been able to say for you."
Jay scoffed bitterly and contorted his face, "Then again, how many times are you going to pick him over me before I learn? I guess love is just blind."
"I don't love him, asshole. Not like that. Not like I love you, or even close, really. Sean was my first love. But he wasn't my best, or my favorite…or my all-consuming passionate, can't-breathe-without-you love."
"This is why I hate having female friends," Sean muttered spitefully. When everyone turned to look at him he shot his arms up into a shrug, "Kidding, of course, because this isn't about me right now. And. Um. I can totally see that."
Sean made eye contact with Emma, then turned back to Ellie, "It's okay that it wasn't me for either of you. Because, out there, somewhere, is a girl that will feel like that for me. And thanks to the two of you, I'll be able to recognize it when it comes."