Chapter 5
I laugh as I stand outside the school gates with Avril and her friends. I was becoming part of their group now, it had been two whole weeks since this all started; And to be honest, I was enjoying myself most of the time. I puffed on the cigarette in my hand and then rolled my eyes when Emma and Cleo seemed to be approaching us, I missed them so much, but I couldn't let anyone know that; Not even them. They were my best friends, and I have just left them, I feel bad but they are better off without me holding them back, it's better this way. It's better for them, I just ruin everything for them, I always have, I never should have let myself get close to them, I didn't deserve friends like Emma and Cleo, I never have and I never will.
"Rikki... You didn't come to English yesterday, I copied out some notes for you if you want to go over them later?"Emma looked at me hopefully, I looked at Avril,helpless for a moment, but she just laughed to herself and turned away from me. I took one more look at her and then back at Emma and Cleo,
"Screw English, screw your notes and screw you." I filled my words with such venom, as much as I could find, just so they would leave it, leave me. I was trouble, that's all I was, I was turning into the people their parents have warned them to stay away from, I just want them to be safe; And sometimes the only way to make them give up on me, is to be horrible to them. And I don't feel like bringing them down with me, it's not fair on two such amazing people. I didn't ever deserve them before, I see that now. I sigh as I look at their faces drop, and they walk away quietly.
"Yes walk away losers!" I shake my head at Avril,
"Don't rub it in." She just shrugs and lights another cigarette for herself. I watch as they walk away, I had everything before and now I have... nothing. I have the one thing I wanted and that is about it; I don't feel anything, no pain and no upset anymore. But it doesn't feel as good as I always thought it would... I miss them. I miss the life I made for myself. The life I have ruined because of my weakness.
"Hey want to get out of this prison after?" I nod at Avril, we were both sitting at the back of Science, doing nothing really as per usual. I sigh as I look at the board, not really understanding anything the teacher was going on about; I never did anymore. When the bell finally goes, I grab my bag and walk out as fast as I can.
"We have to run.." Avril whispers, winking at me,
"Oh God."
"Simon is meeting us by the gates, the teachers won't care once we get past them and then they will probably phone home if they see us." I shrug,
"Nobody is home anyway." Avril laughs as we look around us quickly,
"Just walk for a moment, and then when I tell you, run!" I nod at her and grin, the adrenaline rush was amazing sometimes, the excitement of it all was something I had been yearning to feel for so long.
"RUN!" I nod at her and laugh as I see the French teacher start walking towards us, Avril gets there before me and jumps over the pointless school gate, I soon follow, grinning widely when I see Simon, with more drugs probably..
It was all a blur after that, I had never felt so good but so bad at the same time. We ran from the school, along with Simon, ending up in town, then Avril started taking stuff from all the shops. I soon got the hint and copied her, with her informing me she wore some of it and sold the rest for money for pot. I nod at her as I grab stuff, ignoring the looks of other customers as we giggled.
It wasn't long till we almost got caught, I remember running as fast as we could, away from it all. I remember walking to my house, well trailer, but the bits in between fade into one misty memory (Something that seems to happen a lot when I am around Simon and Avril)
I giggle as we enter my bedroom, collapsing on the floor, soon joined by Simon. Avril sits on my bed, lighting her fourth batch of pot "Don't be so selfish." I giggle loudly as I hold out my hand to her, Avril quickly hands me my own and I don't take anytime in lighting it with the help of Simon. I watch him as he moves to one side, looking at me, watching my every move.
"I will be right back, I need to pee." Avril giggles as she trips over my leg on her way to the bathroom, I just shake my head at her and then look at Simon, who is still laying next to me with his head on his hand, laying on one side. I don't think anything of it as he leans in to kiss me on the lips, I let him, not even thinking properly, since hanging out with them, I have kissed a lot of guys, and done more. It's no big deal anymore. I laugh as he lays on top of me, and he grins,
"You're very beautiful." He whispers, I look away blushing, not noticing him pull something out of his pocket.
"Try some of this. It's a lot better... It does exactly what you want it to. It makes you forget everything. I promise" I look at the packet in his hands, containing a white powder, I nod at him as I take it from him, staring at the perfectly white powder in wonder. He giggles a little as he lifts up my chin and kisses me again,
"How much do you want for it?" I say as we both pull away for a moment,
"This is enough." He looks at me and then down at the position we are both in, I grin at him, nodding and then kissing him full on. I hear the door open but I don't look up, I don't care anymore. I feel his hand crawling up my stomach, but I don't think anything of it. I close my eyes for a moment, remembering a time when I would be shaking with discomfort, a time when I would feel nervous about it; Even with Zane, the person I think I love. I don't know what's happened to me, I am not even sure if it's a good thing or not. I don't know anything anymore, I don't even recognize the mirror image looking back at me anymore... I don't know who I am, who I am becoming.... I don't think anybody does anymore to be honest.