Finally, right? I agree. So, before I get to the real reason you're all here (ah, the story, right?) let me make a few announcements:
1. I'm still not a song writer.
2. Jay still hasn't sent Emma a care package. I know, I mean, what the hell? Isn't he supposed to love her?
3. I gave cocobuta04 permission to use this story as a catalyst for her own. I'm reading it, and …if you like my story, keep reading. If you like her story, keep reading. I could talk for days over my reasons for this but I'll keep it short: I bring my world into the characters I write, but they aren't my characters…just someone else's with my personal touch. In a sense, they become my characters when I take them down paths Degrassi wouldn't. So, I gave another writer permission to add her personal touch to those characters too. And I CAN'T WAIT to see who they become under her thumb.
If anyone has anything to say about this matter specifically I ask that you message me personally instead of spamming my replies section with it. That said, it meant a lot to me that you all defended me when you thought I needed it. THANK YOU FOR YOUR LOYALTY.
4. I desperately need to figure out if I want Craig to confront Ellie about the song immediately or ignore it for a while. (Say, until he gets drunk at, ironically enough, his sobriety party.) YOUR THOUGHTS ON THIS ARE GREATLY APPRECIATED (and heavily weighted. Let's just say: winner takes all.)
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"So…this club Marco told you about…when are we heading out?"
"We? No, I thought I made it perfectly clear that—"
"You said you didn't care if we went. This means you don't care if we're there or not. So, CLEARLY, you won't mind if I tag along."
"Ellie…I just want a night out by myself."
"I know you're thinking about leaving."
"What?"
"You're thinking about ditching us, the whole trip…the journey of a lifetime."
"Why would you think that?"
"Because the thought of Emma holding Manny while she sobbed about how bad you hurt her kills you."
"I'm—"
"I know, Craig. I've been there too. I was there for Emma through everything. And. When I found out she was still hanging with Manny I lost it. I wanted to never talk to her again. I screamed and screamed about how hurt I was. How much pain Manny had caused me. But she. She had her reasons, I guess. I just had to trust that. Manny has helped her through a lot. A lot, Craig. I know nothing eases the pain you two went through because of, or with, each other. But. I've been where you are with Emma, over this, and…I don't know…if you need to talk…I'm here. And, you can guarantee I hate Manny just as much as you do."
Craig smirked and put his hand on my shoulder, "Thanks, that means a lot."
"Good. Now, I'm gonna go get dressed. Emma's trying to schedule some appointment at the free clinic for the baby. Just…try not to forget that she hurts too, okay?"
"Yeah, yeah. Everybody hurts, got it."
I laughed at the music reference before turning back to him, "I'll meet you in front of your room then?"
"My room? Don't you mean our—"
"Emma wanted to surprise you. Three separate rooms. She said it was incase you wanted to make any friends in Philly. But I think it's so she and Jay can have phone sex, loudly, the way God intended."
"How…" he paused looking for the right words, "nice of her…"
"She says she feels comfortable with us. And I know she wants to be here. But deep down, Craig. She feels completely alone without him. I know, because I've watched her go through it before. I mean. It was different then, they were broken up. But a lot of it is also the same."
"Ellie, stop."
"What?"
"I get it, alright. Make nice with Emma. I'll work on it. But…for as much as you can comprehend my anger with her and my pain with Manny…there's a lot of it that isn't yours. So just. Let me work through this my own way. Christ. I thought Manny was the love of my life at one point. And every moment I spent devoted to her she just proved to be further and further away from who I trusted her to be."
I looked at him with narrowed eyes. The love of his life? Funny…here I thought that's what he was calling me. Manny said he left her, over the baby. But maybe it really did happen like Craig had said in his letters or on his answering machine…maybe she had walked out on him. And that's why…that's why he was claiming to love me now. Because Manny wouldn't have him. It certainly made more since than the whole, "I've been pining after you since highschool but was so afraid of how far our love would take me that I married someone else and only ever talked to you in fifteen minute intervals" theory he'd been feeding me. "Right then. Just…don't leave…you're the only one that knows where we're going. And how to read those lines you drew all over the maps," I said walking towards the elevators, "In front of your room at nine? Okay?"
"That's in two hours! How much time do you need?"
"Hello, I have to make myself beautiful," I taunted as the elevator dinged open.
"Make herself beautiful. Of course. I am so screwed," Craig muttered running to catch the elevator."
"What about getting screwed?" I asked holding the door open for him.
"Nothing. Just. Let's try not to get into any trouble tonight, okay?"
"Me? You're directing that at me? You're the king of trouble, Manning. I'm little miss innocent compared to you."
"Wait. I don't have a room key. Fuck."
"Craig, stop saying that word every four seconds. It makes you sound stupid."
"Stupid, pa-sh. I'm a rockstar."
"I think you just proved my point. Anyway, Emma has the room keys. She's upstairs right now. She claims to have a surprise for you."
"Me thinks she's trying to get back in my good graces."
"She had this planned way before she even knew Sean was coming on the trip. Think really hard about what's just around the corner."
"I assure you that I don't have a single clue."
The elevator dinged showing we had reached our floor and Craig's eyes flickered over to me, "Look who has all the secrets now, Nash. You and Emma did a little planning of your own it seems."
I laughed and waved Emma over, "Open his door, Em."
She swung the door open and looked to see Craig's face as he was met by a woman dressed as a belly dancer. "Craig, you have been sober for one hundred weeks today. And we," she motioned between my body and her own, "couldn't be prouder of you."
"So you got me a stripper? I have to say, hanging with my ex aside, you're a pretty awesome chica."
"She's not a stripper," Emma said in a stern drawn out voice. Craig's face dropped a little and Emma smirked, "she's a dancer. There's a difference."
"Right. Dancer. So. You ladies coming into the party or what?"
Emma laughed and followed him into the suite, "Only because I'm confident that you shouldn't be left alone with her."
"I'm going to get ready for the club."
"You still want to go?"
"Yes, so don't blow all your money on the lovely lady's g-string."
I wandered away from the door shaking my head softly; of course Craig would forget everything when a beautiful woman was waved in front of him. Once inside my room I unpacked a few things and hopped in the shower. After I finished drying my hair I did a quick run through of my clothing options. Settling on nothing, I took a break and made a call back to my mother just to let her know how it was all going. I told her about the dancer Emma had gotten and she laughed, "The feminist inside of her must be feeling awful."
"She finds it humorous more than anything else. She has a huge bash planned for next month, when it'll officially be two years. I guess they've been eachother's sponsors or something. Him with the drugs, her with the eating disorder. They've been celebrating these little milestones since forever. But two years, that's a big one…she's gonna do it right."
"He's lucky to have the two of you. Ellie…I know you still care about him. I don't want to see you get hurt again."
"Mom."
"No, just listen. Those Degrassi boys…they're dangerous. I've watched too many boys hurt my little girl. And I'm tired of watching you have to be strong. Just once, I want you to be able…to be treated like you're fragile…because you are, Eleanor…even if you don't want to be."
"I know, Mom. And, truthfully, part of me wants that too."
"Wants what?" I heard a voice behind me ask.
"Craig?" I asked turning around.
"Yeah. We sent the exotic dancer home. Well compensated, of course. Who's on the phone?"
"My mother."
"Oh. OhGod. I'm so sorry," he flushed a bright red.
"It's okay, I already told her about the stripper."
"Ellie!" Craig yelped backing away like my mother could see him.
"What? What does she care? We're adults now. She's proud of your one hundred weeks too."
"Tell her I said thank you."
"Tell her yourself, I have to find an outfit."
"What's wrong with what you're wearing?"
"Aside from the fact that it's sweatpants and my bra? Stop avoiding my mother, asshole," I snarked pushing the phone at his ear.
"Hi, Mrs. Nash…" he trailed off, "…thank you for your support…no, I didn't know that Ellie had my poster on her wall!" he smirked looking over at me.
"Mom!" I shouted loud enough for her to hear.
He chuckled deeply, "Well, I admire her talents too…" he put his finger over the phone's receiver, "In fact, I'm admiring them right now," he grinned slyly.
My eyebrows disappeared into my blush. "I swear, Craig, if my mother can hear you."
"I covered the phone. Anyway, Mrs. Nash, did Ellie mention to you that we're going to the club of one of our old school friends…his name is JT Yorke…trouble, eh? I suppose us Degrassi boys are trouble…you were? I see…and what exactly was she saying about me?" Craig laughed but I looked nervously over at the phone. My mother wouldn't give up our secrets…would she?
I sprinted over to him, "Give me the phone." She would. In a heartbeat; if she thought it would help me along.
"No, Ellie. Your mom and I are talking," Craig said taking long steps away from her.
"Craig, this isn't funny."
"I'm amused. Are you amused Mrs. Nash…you're mom's amused, Elle…" as he spoke he dodged into the bathroom and shut the door. "Majority rules!"
When I put my hand to the knob I discovered it had been successfully locked. "You are so immature."
He didn't respond to my diatribe and I pounded on the door, "Quit it, Nash. I'm on the phone."
"Oh, that's it, Manning. You and me are THROUGH. You hear me? THROUGH." I shouted storming back over to my bed. I hoped the smile on my face didn't sound through the door, otherwise he'd never believe me.
Moments later he came sputtering through the door and tossed the phone at me, "I wasn't. It wasn't anything serious—oh, you! You're smiling! That's was MEAN."
"Yeah, well," I smirked, "you're mean."
"Your mom hung up. Said she had better things to do than listen to love struck twentysomethings bicker long distance."
I laughed when he said "love struck" and it sounded bitter…hollow. Craig looked up at me sharply, "Right. So, playtime's over. I'll um. Be in my room when you're ready."
"No, Craig. I wasn't…I didn't mean—"
He cut me off with a flick of his wrist in the air before shutting my door behind him. I sighed deeply and looked down at my hands, "My mother, calling it like she sees it…and being right. Finally knowing me…that's what I was laughing at," I told the empty room before heading back over to my bag. Somewhere in there was a skintight purple halter dress. I was going to find it. And Craig Manning was going to eat crow.
Five minutes into my search I found it, rolled into a ball, at the bottom of one of my duffels. It was wrinkled, but when I slid it on most of the wrinkles faded away. A few stuck, and I liked it; it gave me the not-trying-too-hard look. I checked my makeup and stacked my purse with all the essentials: room key, cell phone, lip gloss, pen, post-its...you never knew when inspiration was going to strike. And Craig may have hit pay dirt waxing poetic about his sex life…but my readers looked for a little more than lipstick on the collarbone. I found myself actually feeling anxious when I knocked on his door. What would he think of the dress? Maybe it was too much. I didn't even know what kind of club JT was running.
"Damn, Ellie! Shake it!" Emma said opening the door.
"Emma? What are you doing in here?"
"Making nice that's what—holy shit, Ella. Eleanor. Goddamn." Craig fumbled as the door fell open the rest of the way.
"So, that means the dress works, right? Cause I wasn't sure. When I turn to the side I—"
"No, the dress definitely works," Craig replied checking me out yet again. In case you were keeping track, that made the score Nash-2, Manning-0.
"I can't believe the two of you are leaving me all by myself. Scared, pregnant, alone…"
"Hey, watch the guilt trip. We said you could come."
"Right, unless I don't want to expose my child to constant cigarette smoke."
"Emma," Craig muttered, "we've been over this. JT's club is smoke-free."
"What? When were we over this? I want to go. Oh! Let me go get dressed."
Craig covered his face with his hands, "Really? Really? Are you going to take more than twenty minutes?"
"No. I just want to put on a tank top. We'll let Ellie be the flashy one tonight."
"By flashy she means slutty, right? I should go change."
"You will do no such thing. There are only two conditions under which that dress is coming off tonight. And you feeling insecure is not one of them," Emma said before shutting the door behind her.
"So, are you excited?" I asked Craig, anxious for the small talk.
He sputtered and looked down at the carpet, "No. What? I wasn't even looking at you."
I laughed loudly, "I meant about the club." Nash-3, Manning-0.
"Oh, right. Yeah. I mean, I looked up the club's website. Tonight is open mic night. I thought I'd take the guitar. It's been so long since I've played. I just…thought I'd give it a shot."
"Put all those amateurs to shame?"
"No, it's not like that. I just…in LA there was all this pressure. But…out there, a random club, fellow artists…there's nothing but love."
"Okay, I'm ready," Emma said walking back into the room.
"That's was fast. Give up on the girly tendencies?"
"Not quite. But, you know, I've already got my man. I don't need to dress to impress."
"Ouch. Was that supposed to hurt?"
"No, Nora…sorry."
Emma split away from us as soon as we got there. I knew she was trying to find JT. I grabbed a seat at the bar and ordered some bourbon. "So, Manning, what're you gonna play?"
"I don't know…haven't thought about it much."
"You better start thinking. Cause the spots are filling up fast," the bartender said as she laid down my drink, "What can I get you?" She asked staring into Craig's eyes.
"Whatever's on tap. And could you let me see what the spots left are."
She dropped the clipboard on the surface in front of us, "Mostly after one a.m. But there are a couple coming up, right at the beginning…no one likes to take the beginning spots. Especially not this late into it…"
"I'll take one. The 11pm."
"Craig, that's in twenty minutes."
"Yeah, so, flutter away, Elle…I need to think about my song choice."
"Don't call me Elle, Craig. I'm not kidding. I'll see you up there." I made my way over to the VIP section where Emma was catching up with JT.
"Sorry I couldn't make it up for the wedding but I—"
"Didn't really want to be there? It's cool, JT. I get it…Jay really fucked you over in highschool."
He sighed, "I know he's changed but. I'm not ready to let go. I'm. If I let it go, Em…if I forgive…if I forget what happened Junior year, maybe I'll find myself that desperate again…and I'm not ready to take that chance."
"I did it," she whispered, "I really do…so well."
I made small talk with him for a while, about Craig, about the trip, about his girlfriend. "Craig Manning? Is there a Craig Manning?"
JT looked up, "If he doesn't get up there soon they'll give his spot away."
I did a quick sweep of the club and found him exactly where I'd left him. I walked over, "You aren't going up?"
"I can't think of anything. There's no song. No statement."
"Whatever, Craig…"
"Look I'm just…not ready."
"For what?"
"I haven't played in…one hundred and one weeks…what if…what if I need the drugs?"
I scoffed, "That's the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard." I snatched his guitar off the floor beside him.
"What are you doing?"
"Well, you aren't using it, hot shot," I smirked walking up to the stage. "Hi, I'm Ellie Nash. Craig Manning is a big wuss, so I'll be taking his air time." I sat down on the stool, smiling at the cat calls, and pulling out the guitar. "This song is called "I can't think of anything.""
You are always in my bed
At night, you are always in my head
I can't think, can't think
Can't think of anything but you.
It used to be that you and me
Could talk for hours,
About the sky, the stars,
The sheer amount of power
Reflected in our song.
Needing me to need you
That's what my would has come to
And I can't shake the feeling
Can't think of anything but you
It used to be that you could
Tell me anything, not just jokes
Or anecdotes but real things
Like, "I've never been this afraid."
And I'm not used to feeling this way.
I think about the night I left
I think about the boy
I think about the words he said
I wring my hands,
And pray to die in bed,
Cause I can't shake this,
Can't shake him,
Or the way his eyes meet mine,
The way his words run through my mind
You are always in my head,
At night, you are always in my bed
I don't think, don't think
Don't think of anything but you.
I walked off the stage to the scattered applause and went straight to Emma, "I think I should head back to the hotel."
"Are you kidding me? That was amazing! You should stick around and see if you won the two hundred bucks," JT said, eyes wide as saucers.
"I don't think she's worried about the money," Emma whispered watching over my shoulder.
"Give him his guitar back, okay?"
"Nora…I'm not. I'm not doing your dirty work,' she said but her face showed no conviction.
"Just once more," I begged but didn't stick around for an answer.
As I neared the exit I heard Craig talking to Emma, "I guess that makes the score Ellie-one, Craig-zero." Apparently, he hadn't been properly keeping score.